DH has suggested division of childcare/housework unfair...

[ooooopsididit]

Just that really!

DH works full time, from home until recently, but is now back in the office two days per week.

I am a SAHM of two nursery age children.

Both children are at nursery four half days and one full day per week.

DH and I split the morning get up and ready routine, and bedtime routines between us.

The housework is also split about 50/50, although I do more cooking and all laundry.

I also do all lunchtime pickups of DC.

For the complete picture I do have a little cleaning job of about four hours a week, but I could give that up if I wanted the extra time back.

I thought this was fine but DH his just said he thinks it's a bit unfair... I suspect he may be right.

AIBU to expect this to be fine
YABU to split this way as he works full time

@ooooopsididit

Given you have DC most of the time, and work a few hours & do all the cooking & laundry plus all the 'thinking'. I don't actually think it's unfair! Plus he gets 'perks' like adult time for drinks after work etc.

Don't be beaten down by the 'woman should do it all' posts

Has DH said what he wants to palm off onto you?

@TheBareTree

You don’t do nearly enough. It’s unfair on your DH.

Rubbish.

I think you should def do more than him as practically, you're just at home more; and you can do jobs/laundry etc with the kids in tow to keep your 1.5 days free for you with weekends for family time. What a luxury to have spare time - if you can afford it on his salary as well as nursery fees, then enjoy it. But as others have said, no one really knows the ins and outs of everyone's set up. The fact he's raised it though is worth listening to as he is clearly feeling like it's unfair. As the kids get older it would be good to reassess every once in a while

Have you discussed with DH what he thinks he should do less of / you should do more of?

I think the mornings & bedtimes should still be split but that more of the housework should be down to you on the days the DC are in nursery.

“And who is paying for the cleaner? DH's salary is already paying for nursery”

Please don’t be ridiculous. The DH is not ‘paying’ for anything. How can a man ‘pay’ for his own family. What a depressing attitude.

OP, I really think you should get a cleaner and have at least one morning / afternoon to relax in whatever way suits you. You kids and husband will be better off for it. Happy mum, happy family. No point running yourself into the ground. Being home with kids takes it’s toll - especially if you’re trying to be a housework martyr as well. What is his job anyway? Unless he’s literally down a mine, it’s probably much less taxing than two kids day in day out, with no change, for years on end. He should know this. He should want you to look after yourself.

@snowdropsanddaffodils

Childcare isn't a job compared to.....a job.

Your a STAHM with kids in nursery most of the week. If I was your husband I'd be expecting you to do the lions share.

So going by that, childminders are not working.

I’m wondering why we paid them.
Or why something that we would normally pay someone else to do is t enough effort to be considered a job….

@saraya7

Nothing MN lives more than to tell a SAHM what she should be doing.

OP, if I were you, I’d get a cleaner on the Monday morning or the Friday when both are in nursery. As a SAHM, you need your ‘me’ time and a mental break. When the cleaner is there, this should be your three hours if whatever to take yourself out if the house and do something just got you. Don’t neglect yourself.

I think there is very little danger of this OP neglecting herself! I'd pay good money to see her husband's face if she suggested getting a cleaner. That would be cheeky fuckery at a whole other level

Tbh I think people should still take some responsibility for keeping the house tidy and running even if they work full-time and someone else is not working outside the home.

OP what exactly is it your DH is no longer happy doing?

I think if he has allocated chores that you'd never touch because they're 'his' even if he's working late and you've had the morning to yourself, that's understandable. But if you're both just generally mucking in and he's expecting you to keep on top of everything while he does barely anything then that's not on.

I work 4 full days a week and only have
until 2.30pm on my day off. I still do ALL cooking and housework drop off and all pick ups.

Dh does the garden DIY bins

I think it's fair as I am quicker at cooking and organised and have a shorter day. In your case I woukd pick up more work when you are off so financially it's not all on your husband's back

@saraya7

“And who is paying for the cleaner? DH's salary is already paying for nursery”

Please don’t be ridiculous. The DH is not ‘paying’ for anything. How can a man ‘pay’ for his own family. What a depressing attitude.

OP, I really think you should get a cleaner and have at least one morning / afternoon to relax in whatever way suits you. You kids and husband will be better off for it. Happy mum, happy family. No point running yourself into the ground. Being home with kids takes it’s toll - especially if you’re trying to be a housework martyr as well. What is his job anyway? Unless he’s literally down a mine, it’s probably much less taxing than two kids day in day out, with no change, for years on end. He should know this. He should want you to look after yourself.

I'm trying to figure out if this is satire but sadly I think not! A man's place is clearly in the wrong.

Your DH is right. You're at home the majority of the time, and your children are in nursery for at least half that time. What are you doing when they're in nursery and you're not working?
The morning and evening routines absolutely should be split, but as a sahm with children in childcare settings, you could easily do most of the housework in an hour (if not less) then still have a couple hours to yourself until you get the children.

@saraya7

“And who is paying for the cleaner? DH's salary is already paying for nursery”

Please don’t be ridiculous. The DH is not ‘paying’ for anything. How can a man ‘pay’ for his own family. What a depressing attitude.

OP, I really think you should get a cleaner and have at least one morning / afternoon to relax in whatever way suits you. You kids and husband will be better off for it. Happy mum, happy family. No point running yourself into the ground. Being home with kids takes it’s toll - especially if you’re trying to be a housework martyr as well. What is his job anyway? Unless he’s literally down a mine, it’s probably much less taxing than two kids day in day out, with no change, for years on end. He should know this. He should want you to look after yourself.

Day in, day out. Right. Apart from the days they’re at nursery.

This post is honestly embarrassing. Gives women and SAHMs a bad name when people come out with guff like this.

What about dad, when does he get half a day a week to please himself to the benefit of his wife and kids? Or is it just the delicate little woman who can’t cope with a week’s labour like 99% of the population? Embarrassing, sexist nonsense.

Please don’t be ridiculous. The DH is not ‘paying’ for anything. How can a man ‘pay’ for his own family. What a depressing attitude.

Not sure of your point. Of course men pay for their own families. So do women. Sadly (unless you have a benefactor) no one else tends to do this. OP has already said they pay for their nursery fees.

It’s also depressing to have it pay electricity bills but in the real world where women behave like hard working grown ups, it has to be done.

Thanks for all the constructive comments.

I will be speaking with DH to establish what he's after in terms of division of housework and free time etc.

The split of child related duties will not be changing. DC want to spend time with him, and he did have 50% input in creating them after all...

I'm happy to take on more, but I'm not here to martyr myself. I won't be spending my free day scrubbing skirting boards.

And as for the comments about "his money" We're a family, and I have facilitated his career since we had children, to the detriment of my own.

If I went back to work we'd be fractionally better off financially but he'd be doing far more than he does now in terms of pick ups, drop off, childcare in holidays, doctors appointments, sickness cover...

@FrustratedTeddyLamp

Am I doing laundry wrong? Like I'm not saying it doesn't build up and many loads etc but apart from loading it and then putting it somewhere to dry it's not a strenuous job like you're actively doing the washing for 30-60 minutes or whatever whilst the machine is actually cleaning the washing.

If you are, I am. It takes me minimal time and effort to do the laundry. I put a load on either before bed, or in the morning, then unload and hang once I've finished nursery drop off with dd. It literally takes 15 minutes out of my day. To fold is another 5/10 minutes max. I do laundry 2/3 times a week ... so out of my whole week it's a max of 1 hour 15 minutes... out of 168 hours a week, I wouldn't say that's a huge job.

So going by that, childminders are not working.
I’m wondering why we paid them.

I hate seeing this on mumsnet. I’ve been a sahm. I’ve also worked for years in childcare. They’re nothing alike.

Being at home with my own child is nothing like going into work at a nursery school. Can I catch a half hour kip while my key group naps at nursery? No. Can I stick on an episode of the latest box set while feeding babies in the baby room? Nope. Can I decide to chuck the babies in the pram and go a walk round the shops when the day is monotonous? Of course not.

Being a sahm isn’t all roses but it’s not comparable to working in childcare. It’s a totally different situation.

And as for the laundry, this is another of the mumsnet ‘life admin’ things, where people painstakingly list out everyday tasks as if they are huge undertakings.

Go upstairs, lifting foot onto each step
Gather laundry, picking it up and putting it into basket
Go back down the stairs
Lift the bag of washing pods down, select one
Open washing machine door
Put pod in
Transfer laundry from basket to washer using arms
Close washing machine door
Select correct cycle and press button to start washing machine

Whereas the majority of us just put a washing on. Same with bills, birthday gifts etc. These are not huge gargantuan tasks in my life, where I need a day and a half where I do absolutely nothing to sort normal things.

@Kanaloa who said I do absolutely nothing?

I do stuff for myself, outrageous I know, and stuff I can't do when my children are with me.

Like the diy my husband doesn't do, or going to the tip because he doesn't, or a dental appointment so my teeth fall out, or the doctors to have that odd mole checked.

And even if I did no nothing, so what. Is it because I'm a mother that it's unthinkable that I might want some time alone or to myself. My husband is More than welcome to do the same on a weekend.

@Pegasussnail

I work 4 full days a week and only have until 2.30pm on my day off. I still do ALL cooking and housework drop off and all pick ups.

Dh does the garden DIY bins

I think it's fair as I am quicker at cooking and organised and have a shorter day. In your case I woukd pick up more work when you are off so financially it's not all on your husband's back

This is grossly unfair too. I wouldn’t want to live like this. 4 days a week is almost full time work, and you’re still doing EVERYTHING? Apart from bins and garden. That wouldn’t be sustainable in our household.

I didn’t say you do absolutely nothing. I said I don’t agree that it’s a fair divide and I don’t get the thing on mumsnet of overdescribing small jobs as if they take up a whole day when they don’t.

If you take the day and a half to do nothing or hobbies you enjoy them obviously that’s fine. But then it does mean the split of labour is unfair. Unless DH then goes off to be alone every Saturday and half of every Sunday to do nothing.

Same with ‘dentists so your teeth don’t fall out.’ I don’t see how that’s relevant to housework split as presumably your husband also manages to visit the dentist while working full time and doing 50% of all housework plus childcare when not working.

@ooooopsididit

DC want to spend time with him, and he did have 50% input in creating them after all

he did NOT. He provided sperm, that is not 50%. give your body credit for the months/years of gestation/birth/breastfeeding.

My husband is More than welcome to do the same on a weekend.

But presumably your children are all home at the weekend? So unless he buggers off somewhere, he's at home, being the hands on husband/father that you know and love?

So it's not quite the same, is it?

Unless this is some kind of weird reverse ?