DH has suggested division of childcare/housework unfair...

[ooooopsididit]

Just that really!

DH works full time, from home until recently, but is now back in the office two days per week.

I am a SAHM of two nursery age children.

Both children are at nursery four half days and one full day per week.

DH and I split the morning get up and ready routine, and bedtime routines between us.

The housework is also split about 50/50, although I do more cooking and all laundry.

I also do all lunchtime pickups of DC.

For the complete picture I do have a little cleaning job of about four hours a week, but I could give that up if I wanted the extra time back.

I thought this was fine but DH his just said he thinks it's a bit unfair... I suspect he may be right.

AIBU to expect this to be fine
YABU to split this way as he works full time

I'm a sahm with a 7 year old and a 3 year old. I do 100 percent of the mornings and bedtimes, all the admin (appointments, parties, presents and knowing where we're meant to be at any given tjme), 90 percent of the housework and 100 percent of the cooking. He's been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs whilst he's working from home but once he's back in the office, I'll be doing all that again too.

We split taking them to activities at night/weekends. I'd be uncomfortable with 50/50 if I'm being honest.

@TrufflesAndToast you know that when you drop kids in nursery, you have to take the kids don't you?

The 10 % who found working from home less productive were those with small children at home with them.

Getting housework done while keeping small children occupied suffers similarly.

Just for clarity, it is incorrect to say I get significant amounts of time every day to myself.

Out of the seven days in a week I get one full day and one half day per week.

That is 9-4 one day, and 9-1 the other. While granted it's more than DH it's not like I'm spending 90% of the work week child free.

Outside of those 11 hours I have one or both of my children with me.

until recently did all the meal planning and shopping by myself, taking my 2 & 3 year old with me when they weren't in nursery

OP, you make it sound as if this is something big and major. It's what all SAHMs do, all the time. Only they mostly don't get any time off at all.

The very fact that you think this completely and utterly mundane activity is noteworthy does indeed suggest that your expectations are not in line with anything that's 'fair'. Though I do remember from when my DC were toddlers that the SAHMs who did it 'properly' (i.e. who did everything, all the time) found it weirdly easier than the ones who had 'time off'. If you're doing it all the time, it's just life.

@girlmom21, I would hope so.

Because otherwise he is taking the piss.

I would assume the person doing 90% of the cooking also keeps the kitchen clean, though sometimes people play to their strengths - one cooks well and one cleans up thoroughly afterwards

And I would hope everyone does their best to keep the bathroom nice for others as they go along. However, if someone has a habit of missing the loo when they pee then I would expect that person to be the one to clean the bathroom. Toddlers excluded of course.

Also, having only one child with you almost counts as a day off, IME.

@GemmaAlone

Also, having only one child with you almost counts as a day off, IME.

😂

You are home and therefore should take care of all home responsibility etc and the children...it's a full time job...your husband has his

OP I get no time to myself. I either work, or look after my child. I think this is most people's experience. If I got a half day every month I would count myself lucky...

@Perfect28

OP I get no time to myself. I either work, or look after my child. I think this is most people's experience. If I got a half day every month I would count myself lucky...

Are you a single parent? If not you should get time to yourself.

@Perfect28 I think that is DH experience also

@ooooopsididit

I think we're both a bit envious of the other tbh.

I'd love to swan off to the office, leisurely lunch and drinks after work.

He'd love to spend more time with the kids and have no financial responsibilities..

But we are where we are!

Both of you should work part time then...

I'd love to swan off to the office, leisurely lunch and drinks after work.

Is that what he does? Let's be honest most people at best tolerate their jobs if not actually hate them. You make it sound like he is off to some country club during the day.

@foreverandalways

You are home and therefore should take care of all home responsibility etc and the children...it's a full time job...your husband has his

Agree - during working hours.

Outside of those hours its not her job, its 50/50 both adults

I'd say the division of labour is in your favour, I don't personally think it is fair on your husband.

I get splitting mornings and evenings but don't really understand why everything else is 50/50 like housework wise. I work 3 days a week and do the lionshare of housework and cooking (cooking is my preference, DH would probably like to do more). Morning routine on the days I work are split but DH has always done bath and bedtime in the week whilst I cook regardless if I'm working or not.

Think as the sahp that's the payoff in more time with your children but equally more time to do chores imo.

I use to be a SAHM when my two children were youngies. They never went to nurseries at all, I did all the usualy household things, also did all the decorating and diy stuff, and landscaping of gardens etc. My late Husband just went to work, came home,usually quite late, and everything was done . I never had, or needed any childcare help, both our parents lived miles away. Never any debates about who had to do what in the house,, it all worked out well with us,

@ooooopsididit

Maybe you need to go to work to see most jobs don’t involve swanning around lunching

@Perfect28

Man I get so annoyed at parents putting kids in childcare and then sitting at home doing nothing. I guess they are over 3 and getting funding? I don't understand why all kids get funding at 3 regardless of what parents are doing when that money could be better spent funding younger babies who's parents need to work.

We pay for our children's hours 👍🏻

@DillonPanthersTexas

I'd love to swan off to the office, leisurely lunch and drinks after work.

Is that what he does? Let's be honest most people at best tolerate their jobs if not actually hate them. You make it sound like he is off to some country club during the day.

I bloody love the office days. Uninterrupted time on the train to read, grab a coffee, lunch alone or with colleagues. Bliss!

[quote OnceuponaRainbow18]@ooooopsididit

Maybe you need to go to work to see most jobs don’t involve swanning around lunching[/quote]
I worked for 20 years before my children were born thanks. I'm very much aware of how much swanning off for lunches took place in may of my workplaces.

I haven't always been a SAHM.

I don't think it's fair either

You could get all the housework, washing and ironing done whilst he's at work. I'd also be expecting you to do the lions share if cooking didn't the week too. It's healthy for your sc to have mum and dad do the morning and bedtime routines and is expect 50/50 during the weekend, but as you'll have done most of the housework didn't the week it will give you lots more family time

Sounds fair to me. Childcare IS a job!!

I'd love to swan off to the office, leisurely lunch and drinks after work.

Get a job then?

As the children are in nursery a fair amount then nope doesn't sound overly fair, if they were home all the time then yes sounds reasonable.

I feel sorry for your DH tbh and that he's tolerated that set up for however long. If my husband had 1.5 days a week alone at home and the general housework and laundry was not getting done in that time, I'd be very annoyed! As it is neither of us have ever had time like that. When I switched to WFH due to covid (4 days a week), I basically got all the general housework, food shopping, and laundry done myself then over my lunch breaks and the half hour or so each morning I would get after dropping DD at nursery before I had to log on. Unless you live in a huge mansion I can't see why you couldn't do the same easily with the amount of free time you have, exception might be laundry but you can definitely do a load on the days you only have 1 kid anyway.