DH has suggested division of childcare/housework unfair...

[ooooopsididit]

Just that really!

DH works full time, from home until recently, but is now back in the office two days per week.

I am a SAHM of two nursery age children.

Both children are at nursery four half days and one full day per week.

DH and I split the morning get up and ready routine, and bedtime routines between us.

The housework is also split about 50/50, although I do more cooking and all laundry.

I also do all lunchtime pickups of DC.

For the complete picture I do have a little cleaning job of about four hours a week, but I could give that up if I wanted the extra time back.

I thought this was fine but DH his just said he thinks it's a bit unfair... I suspect he may be right.

AIBU to expect this to be fine
YABU to split this way as he works full time

Wow, that does sound really unfair. Well done for accepting it OP.

@Perfect28

Why does he have to be at work full time so you can live? Clearly you have an excess as you can afford to not work and pay for childcare whilst you're at home for two children. Couldn't you both work part time to make things more equitable? You said you've worked for 20 years so what's stopping you going back to that?

I’d gather because her DH doesn’t want to envisage going part time? Because it would mean a lower wage for him Less career progression Of course it’s NOT possible for him to find a part time job with what does And actually looking after 3 dcs on your own, and doing some tidying up etc… just like the OP is doing is hard work.

Let’s be honest, how many men have you seen that CHOOSE to go part time whilst their dcs were little?

Exactly TravellingForm. It totally suits him to have a wife at home. Yet some posters on here seem to believe he’s doing her a great favour!

And what kind of jobs do people have where they can ‘just go part-time?’ Very few jobs work like that. As if he’d want to go part-time anyway.

I think many men would love that option. Women also don't want lower pay or career progression? I don't get your point. The op asked how to make it fairer. Both working inside and outside the home makes it fairer.

Anyone has the right to request flexible working, including reducing hours or days at work.

yep, that's the crunch isn't it...solution to him feel hard done by is to reduce his hours at work so that he can cope with his domestic duties, if it is all too much for him. OP can increase her working hours to makeup the financial loss.

If he earns significantly more than her, both ‘just going part-time’ could well be essentially cutting off your nose to spite your face. More hectic lives and more juggling for less money. Both parents kind of stuck as ‘Jack if all trades, master of none,’ for any of a better description. Nobody gets to progress career-wise, just working on a part-time basis (well they’re much less likely to), so that’s it. Fixed income for life. How is that helping the children in terms of their future options? There is far more to life and a family than obsessing about 50/50 housework!

@Perfect28 the DH hasn’t asked for that though.

What he asked for is to do less in the house/with the dcs.
He hasn’t asked to spend more time with them.
He also asked for the dcs NOT to be in childcare full time., that means the OP can’t have a full time job (or even a part time one to fit around him).
That’s what HE wants.

So yes there are probably some men who would be happy to go part time. This particular man hasn’t given any signal that this is what he wants.

@saraya7 he can go 80% or 90% then.

what nose? what face? what's the goal?...earning as much money as possible? if they can manage a decrease in income, why not?

There is far more to life and a family than obsessing about 50/50 housework!

well there is definitely more to life than doing everyone's housework and looking after the kids

Of course that is not fair you should be doing much more

Yeah your husband is right. I'm a sahm of school aged kids and I do all the domestic stuff and 98% of the kid- related stuff. Dh grafts and pays all the bills. I wouldn't dream of asking him to clean the kitchen or cook. If you go for traditional roles you've got to crack on and get everyone fed and the house sorted. I'd still far, far rather be us than them, but of course it wouldn't suit everyone.

“@saraya7 he can go 80% or 90% then.”

How on earth can you know this? Do we even know what he does?

You must know that unless you work in a factory job or something where you clock in and click off, most jobs don’t work like that.

‘Going 80 or 90%’ - what does that even mean in actual reality?

Saraya it means reducing your working days or hours. You seem very confused by the idea. This couple currently have spare money to fund two children through nursery even whilst a parent is available to care for them. That suggests he could afford to reduce his hours doesn't it. And if she has free time that suggests she has time to work outside the home.

There are some jobs where it just isn't possible to go part time - it just doesn't suit the nature of the work. And the employer isn't obliged to agree if it's going to negatively impact their business.

I think the dh is being a bit petty tbh - he is getting to keep his career and all its benefits (progression, pension, not being looked at as a layabout who sponges off their spouse). OP has lost all that. Looking after children is boring, has no social value and disadvantages women in career terms. It also saves the family a lot of money in childcare fees and makes day to day life easier (no losing all your annual leave on plugging childcare gaps). It is a financial contribution, just not a direct one.
And it is a sacrifice even for women who willingly choose to do it because there are costs to her.
And he resents her having a day to herself? Seems mean to me. She's probably not sitting on her arse all day anyway - she's probably doing the shopping or doing little bits and pieces.
The husband wants this arrangement for his children, I just think he also fancies not doing so much in the house.

@TravellingFrom why is pleasing him the goal exactly? Aren't they a team?

If working is so great why can't she work outside the home in this free time she has? I think so many people are failing to realise that most people with young children simply do not get free time or me time. That's just how it is. Starting to think this post is more about a money/class divide than anything else. The fact is, having free time is a luxury most can't afford. If one person in a couple has free time then so should the other.

Even if it is possible for him to reduce his hours (which I doubt), how does it help the family to have the OP working in these hours for less money?

If you don’t want your kids in full- time childcare, then you don’t want your kids in full time childcare. End of story. You don’t change your children’s lifestyle to make sure you can do this 50/50 housework business and both be part-time. Where is their future in that?

She's free 2.5 days per week.

He's free 2 days per week (the weekend).

She's got a baby and a toddler and does the lion's share.

Sounds fair to me. No one really has any down time with two very small kids.

Let’s be honest, how many men have you seen that CHOOSE to go part time whilst their dcs were little?

My husband did. He went to a four day week and I did the same. As a result I have had two significant promotions since having my first baby which I wouldn’t have had by working a three day week. He has also been promoted in that time. Both of us working four days has meant we both get career progression whereas him working five days and me three would have been no better for him and my career would have stalled. He loves his day off with the kids and is incredibly close with both of them and more than capable of looking after them in a practical sense because he’s done it just as much as I have.

Several of my male colleagues work some part time or flexible pattern and share childcare with their partners. Of those that have kids, more work part time than don’t.

It can be done and many men want to.

It can be done and many men want to.

@madmomma

Yeah your husband is right. I'm a sahm of school aged kids and I do all the domestic stuff and 98% of the kid- related stuff. Dh grafts and pays all the bills. I wouldn't dream of asking him to clean the kitchen or cook. If you go for traditional roles you've got to crack on and get everyone fed and the house sorted. I'd still far, far rather be us than them, but of course it wouldn't suit everyone.

School aged kids very different to tiny kids doing 3-4 hours at nursery.

Put it this way, when I became a SAHM, my husband was extremely grateful because he wanted his children with their mother. That’s all there is to it. Yes they went to nursery a couple of mornings a week when they were about three. Just like all the other kids tend to do round here, so they learn how to be apart from you before school. So what? My husband wasn’t instantly on my case, wanting to know what housework I was doing in these amazing free hours of 9am to 12pm. If anything, he wanted to know why I wasn’t doing more for myself in this time because he appreciates young kids are relentless. Why on earth would he want a wife who feels she has to be a domestic drudge - while he jetted round the world building up his business interests with no worries at all about his kids because she was taking care of that for him? Does that sound like “equality.” No. When he wanted me “at home” it wasn’t to do housework. Let make that clear. I always had a cleaner. If I needed any extra help, then I would ask her. Not him. I understood his time is better spent on his work and we all benefit from that. You don’t make your money, faffing about part-time. His salary has put three kids though independent school; bought the home I always wanted; and secured all of our financial future. What would be the point of me trying to stifle that? Do this is why I say, if OP is not happy, she should just get some help in the form of a cleaner and he should be on board with that, as she’s supporting his career. I bet she’s as educated as him. They are equals, right? Why should she become a housework skivvy, just because he is the higher earner and they have young children who need their mum around?

"She's free 2.5 days per week.

He's free 2 days per week (the weekend)."

She is without the kids for 4 mornings and 1 full day when they are in the nursery.

So in the week she has 4 half days (2 days) and 1 full day to herself. 3 days in total.

They both have the weekend, so she has 5 days and he has 2.

I would suggest that all house cleaning etc should be done in the 3 days in the week, weekend should just be meals and tag teaming the kids.

I would expect all adults to pick up after themselves.

@Aderyn21 employee IS obliged to consider the request. most reputable employers accommodate PT working these days.

@saraya7

Good for you guys but the real world doesn’t work like that for most.