DH has suggested division of childcare/housework unfair...

[ooooopsididit]

Just that really!

DH works full time, from home until recently, but is now back in the office two days per week.

I am a SAHM of two nursery age children.

Both children are at nursery four half days and one full day per week.

DH and I split the morning get up and ready routine, and bedtime routines between us.

The housework is also split about 50/50, although I do more cooking and all laundry.

I also do all lunchtime pickups of DC.

For the complete picture I do have a little cleaning job of about four hours a week, but I could give that up if I wanted the extra time back.

I thought this was fine but DH his just said he thinks it's a bit unfair... I suspect he may be right.

AIBU to expect this to be fine
YABU to split this way as he works full time

I think you owe your husband an apology, OP. He seems to be doing far too much. The way I see it, if you don't have a paying job so are not contributing to the household in that monetary way, then your responsibility to the family and household is to take on the lion's share of the practical side of things instead.

When mine were little we were lucky enough to have the choice of whether I stayed at home to look after the kids or not instead of sending them to a childminder or putting them in nursery. So I stayed at home FT for 3 years until DS1 got his half days at nursery. DH has a full on job and is out of the house from 6am. He doesn't come home until at least 6pm, often later than that and used to work away a lot too. I've always done ALL weekday morning get ups and nursery/school drop offs and pickups till I worked more hours later on when they went to a childminder or afterschool club 3 days a week. I did all night wakings too as his job role at the time meant he would have been unsafe at work it overtired.

My role during the week was mainly childcare. My days were filled mainly interacting with them or taking them to toddler group or soft play, to the park most days, to the library, to the shops, or to visit family. I didn't plonk them in a playpen while I did bigger/longer chores such as ironing, no way was I going to that as I wouldn't expect that a childminder or nursery worker would so why would I? (DS2 wouldn't have let me anyway, he was extremely demanding as a baby and toddler).

When they were pre-nursery age I did:

• the breakfasts and lunches and the cleaning up after that.
• putting laundry on, drying and folding it.
• sorting and acting on post/bills/booking appointments etc
• all food shopping.
• preparing bottles and washing them (but sometimes DH would do these if I'd had a particularly bad day)
• feeding the kids their tea
• bedtime routine including bath

DH generally got home from work on a good day sometime during bathtime, between 6 and 7pm. ,He got stuck straight in helping however was needed. So if I was already upstairs bathing them he'd clear up downstairs a bit or start doing our own evening meal or washing botttles or emptying the dishwasher. If I hadn't started bathtime yet he'd run the bath and then bath them. Then the 45 mins after bathtime was his bonding time with the kids while I could mentally switch off a bit. He'd make us both a cuppa and we'd relax for a bit watching kids bedtime TV with them.

I did bed time when we just had DS1 and DH started cooking. When DS2 was born he helped with bedtime and then started cooking. So we ate later when both kids were settled and asleep.

It was at the weekend when we did proper housework like hoovering or cleaning the bathroom, with one of us keeping an eye on the kids and then swapping over. He hoovered and I did the bathroom. The kitchen we did kind of between us. I did mine and the kids' ironing and he did his own. He mowed the lawn in summer while I minded the kids, then when they got a bit older I could get on with weeding/planting while the kids pottered about with us.

When I did finally have some proper child free time during the week for a couple of hours a day while they were in nursery I took on the hoovering, did some ironing and more deep cleaning/sorting kind of jobs. I honestly laugh at those suggesting I should have sat on my arse for those 2 hours, how lazy! Yes, if I was feeling under the weather with a cold I may have done that. But honestly why should have I just had that as leisure time while I knew that DH was at work doing a demanding stressful job all those hours and paying all our mortgage and bills without me having to pay anything towards them? I'm astounded that people somehow think that SAHMs "deserve" this "sitting on their arse" time while their other half is at work earning so that we could all have a home and food on the table.

Re weekend lie-ins, DH got up one day, I got up the other.

Now we both work FT and the kids are mid-late teens so much more independent and need us a lot less, obviously. Unfortunately, DH's had a couple of promotions the last couple of years so he's often working a lot on his laptop in the evenings and at weekends now just to keep up with his workload so our house is a bit of a shit tip as I'm buggered if I'm working FT AND spending all my weekend doing household chores. (I haven't got the energy anymore to do much housework in the evenings so just the bare minimum gets done which means it builds up). DH does enjoy cooking so he does that mostly. He ignores his ironing pile and irons one outfit daily instead .

Christ, what a long and quite boring post, actually, now I look at it.

@ooooopsididit

There are, obviously, no easy answers here.

It sounds as if part of the problem is that part of you doesn't actually enjoy being a SAHM and have sort of become one as a result of circumstances rather than positive choice.

My suggestion (which you won't like) would be to embrace this phase fully, on the grounds that it's just a phase. I know any SAHM is vulnerable in terms of future employment prospects - but from that point of view, it makes no difference whether you are finger painting or sitting on your own with a coffee and the newspaper. You are currently out of the job market and, should you ever wish to return to it, you and your husband would both have to try to find ways for this to happen.

For the time being, though - and, again, it's a very short time in your and your children's lives - I would, if I were you, simply accept that your role, at the moment, is to do stuff for everyone else. If your children are nursery age, they are presumably in bed early enough for you to spend evenings meditating/talking to your husband/reading/watching TV/having a bath/doing whatever you find relaxing and that's just for you.

If you spent the 1.5 days when the children are both at nursery doing all the pretty shit stuff that most SAHMs have to do whilst also looking after their children, the four of you could then do more enjoyable family things at the weekends. Do the DC do any weekend activities yet? Assume not, as they are clearly still little, but that will come - and then you'll probably find that one of you takes X to swimming (say) while the other takes Y to a party. And so on.

I think it can all be renegotiated once they both start school and if/when you think of returning to work. But at the moment, your husband is getting the rough end of the deal - working all day and not seeing the children much. Parents of young children generally have to accept that 'me time' isn't really going to happen. But it will come later.

I think you owe your husband an apology, OP

FFS

So you are saying he gets time to himself in the evening when you put the kids to bed, but you don't count the time he puts the kids to bed in your free time?

@saraya7

Nothing MN lives more than to tell a SAHM what she should be doing.

OP, if I were you, I’d get a cleaner on the Monday morning or the Friday when both are in nursery. As a SAHM, you need your ‘me’ time and a mental break. When the cleaner is there, this should be your three hours if whatever to take yourself out if the house and do something just got you. Don’t neglect yourself.

Good grief! So DH has to work full time , do 50% of the chores AND pay for a cleaner so op can have even more ' me' time . Surely not

My advice OP would be get a cleaner in at least once a week. Take your chances to relax when you can in the day, but then use that energy to take the pressure off him in the evenings. Make an effort with dinner a few times a week and make him feel valued. This is all most men want. He will really appreciate what you do. Don’t worry about the people in here telling you you’re lazy because you are just normal (obviously). Wait until your kids get to school - the same posters will no doubt be telling you to clean the house inch by inch with a toothbrush 24/7. As if. Take no notice.

I'm sorry to say it's definitely not fair. I think you should be doing quite a bit more as you appear, from what you say, to have considerably more free time than him.

Also can someone please explain what this 50/50 housework split actually looks like in reality? . How do you know if you have done 50/50? Do you put some sort of rota up and tick of tasks? Perhaps each partner keeps a log on the other one or times then with a stopwatch?

It sounds very weird to me. Outside of MN, couples obviously just gravitate towards certain tasks and get on with it. Nobody thinks “hang on, it was 70/30 this week. I am outraged.!”

Apologies OP, I've just read more of your responses and you don't have as much child free time as it originally sounded like you had, however you are just at home more and I suppose it seems unusual to be splitting it so rigidly 50/50 when you are there and he's not. However, you both sound like very nice people and great parents and I'm sure you'll come to a happy arrangement

@Perfect28

So you are saying he gets time to himself in the evening when you put the kids to bed, but you don't count the time he puts the kids to bed in your free time?

Just about sums it up

The double standards from the OP are beyond belief.

She thinks she’s too good to do domestic chores but also refuses to work outside the home. She thinks her husband’s full time job is some kind of leisure pursuit. She seems to resent him for working despite it paying for her not to.

And why start a thread if you’re so convinced you’re right and the world owes you more me time and leisure time than anyone else? As a PP said, you might get a shock if your husband tires of funding you to sit on your backside because you’re too good to clean your own house.

How is that fair? I work full-time and DH is a SAHD. One primary aged child. He does all the cleaning and almost all of the laundry/ironing. All the school drop offs/pick ups as I'm not available then. Most of the morning get ups (I do the weekends) and we take it in turns to do bedtime routine. I do more meal prep, although he does more meals for DD as I'm not home in enough time quite often. Shopping is online. Gardening split 50/50.

We found it helped to look at your whole week and his, then work out a fair division of who does what, so you both have some free time.

The person working full time doesn't usually also have 50:50 chores! Kids in nursery a full day and 4 half days as well... too much to him and not enough to you @ooooopsididit

OP appears to be the lazy one in this set up

I haven't gone back to work because I can't find anything that wouldn't impact his work, and will work Around our children's nursery hours. He doesn't want them to go full time and neither do I.

I went back to work when mine were tiny. You just use a childminder a few days a week.

To even things up you would do more round the house & do morning drop offs every day.

Put both in nursery at same time.

Do jobs like shopping when you have the children with you & keep your free day for relaxing.

@Butteryflakycrust83

For what its worth, I do not think your husband is getting quite the sweet deal everyone thinks he is?

Why wouldnt he help in the morning and evening?

I agree.

I don't think it's that unreasonable OP

You have a day and a half to yourself every week, something most parents, working or not, could not imagine.

I would be very annoyed if I was your DP. What do you do with your time?

If being a SAHM doesn't suit you then look at returning to work. If the cost isn't worth it, look at using your free time to study or upskill in some way.

I can't imagine having that much time in the week and nothing to show for it.

Your DP is right to be annoyed.

Also you have a cheek referring to him 'swanning' to work for 'leisurely lunches'. Usually it's 30 minutes to an hour at most, and he's unlikely to chose when it is. He can't have a bath or a nap or go for an appointment or watch a movie or do any of the things you can do during the two significant stretches of free time you have in your week.

One hour, sandwiched between two halves of a work day, based around the location of your workplace, is nothing like being able to plan your day and free time as you can.

I couldn't be a SAHM, I prefer to work, so my hat is off to you, but I likewise trekking into work isn't the bed of roses you seem to think it is, and doesn't allow for the luxurious amount of genuinely free time that you have every week.

A fulltime SAHM should do all the mornings in my opinion, to leave the earner to get on with it. And about 80 percent of the housework.

I disagree.

Anything involving the children needs to be shared 50-50. That way the children know they are cherished equally by both parents, and both parents show that they respect the work of parenting and value time spent with the children. This is an important life lesson to impart to the children and an important way for the parents to show they respect and care for each other.

The alternative gives the children the idea that the WOH parent's job is more important than parenting.

I haven't gone back to work because I can't find anything that wouldn't impact his work, and will work Around our children's nursery hours. He doesn't want them to go full time and neither do I.

@ooooopsididit
If he doesn't want them to go full time then you need to spell it out that you are left with the potential of a significant loss in your lifetime earning power unless he is willing to contemplate different hours, a different level of commitment to being on the job at all times. You are facilitating the advancement of his career by your sacrifice, and he needs to know that, ditch the resentment, and get over himself.

If he wants to see more of the kids then he needs to start looking at his hours. And surely doing morning parenting and evening bathtime and bedtime involves seeing the kids? Does he want to play fun dad and leave all the hard slog to you?

He needs to examine how he truly feels about housework and status. Ask him to do some deep and honest soul searching about this.

I would definitely use your spare time to get a qualification that would enable you to get work - maybe in a school? Or work at enlarging your business.

I think if you were at home with the kids all week then no it would be fine but given the kids are at nursery and he is working then if I was the full-timer I would expect the other half to do the house work then.

You don't get to do the housework one day a week and then leave it for the next six days when you have children of nursery age, @Changeee15467. You would end up living in a bear pit by day 3.

With small children you have to keep up with it every single day.

It IS unfair! When I was working part time (school hours) I did the majority of house work, plus mucking out ponies and running around to drop/pick up from clubs. My ex was working full time as I was around so I did it! When he was home, he did a lot of childcare, housework etc. It's whoever is home isn't it?

@mathanxiety

You don't get to do the housework one day a week and then leave it for the next six days when you have children of nursery age, *@Changeee15467*. You would end up living in a bear pit by day 3.

With small children you have to keep up with it every single day.

You still have to run the hoover round downstairs and clean up after meals every day but you can certainly do the bulk of the house work - cleaning bathrooms, mopping floors, changing beds, cleaning bedrooms - once a week.

@mathanxiety 👏👏👏👏👏