DH has suggested division of childcare/housework unfair...

[ooooopsididit]

Just that really!

DH works full time, from home until recently, but is now back in the office two days per week.

I am a SAHM of two nursery age children.

Both children are at nursery four half days and one full day per week.

DH and I split the morning get up and ready routine, and bedtime routines between us.

The housework is also split about 50/50, although I do more cooking and all laundry.

I also do all lunchtime pickups of DC.

For the complete picture I do have a little cleaning job of about four hours a week, but I could give that up if I wanted the extra time back.

I thought this was fine but DH his just said he thinks it's a bit unfair... I suspect he may be right.

AIBU to expect this to be fine
YABU to split this way as he works full time

@Kanaloa laundry is a gargantuan task in my house tbf

“It’s also depressing to have it pay electricity bills but in the real world where women behave like hard working grown ups, it has to be done.”

Oh get over yourself.

I think time doing laundry also depends on whether you iron or not. That is what takes most time in this house when it comes to laundry

@CandyLeBonBon

My husband is More than welcome to do the same on a weekend.

But presumably your children are all home at the weekend? So unless he buggers off somewhere, he's at home, being the hands on husband/father that you know and love?

So it's not quite the same, is it?

Unless this is some kind of weird reverse ?

I do take my children out so he'd be perfectly able to have the house to himself for the day, if he wanted, or he could go out. He'd be free to chose, like I am on my day off

@Kanaloa

Same with ‘dentists so your teeth don’t fall out.’ I don’t see how that’s relevant to housework split as presumably your husband also manages to visit the dentist while working full time and doing 50% of all housework plus childcare when not working.

And get his moles checked! 🙄

@Kanaloa

*So going by that, childminders are not working. I’m wondering why we paid them.*

I hate seeing this on mumsnet. I’ve been a sahm. I’ve also worked for years in childcare. They’re nothing alike.

Being at home with my own child is nothing like going into work at a nursery school. Can I catch a half hour kip while my key group naps at nursery? No. Can I stick on an episode of the latest box set while feeding babies in the baby room? Nope. Can I decide to chuck the babies in the pram and go a walk round the shops when the day is monotonous? Of course not.

Being a sahm isn’t all roses but it’s not comparable to working in childcare. It’s a totally different situation.

I don’t know… I see DH wfh and he spends quite a bit of time browsing the Internet, watching stuff on YouTube etc… When I was in an office, there was some coffee break, smoking breaks (do they still have those?). I could still catch up with the news etc…, have a one hour break at lunch time (and have a kip or go to do some exercise at the gym) DH when the office was open had a gym onsite so many people were going there at lunch time etc…..

That’s nit that different.

@ooooopsididit are weekends not family time though? Given he does 50/50 house work split, when we he see his children and spend quality time with them if you take the children out without him on the weekend?
I feel like you've had one poster who has said you aren't unreasonable, and now your backtracking on the fact that you previously agreed that perhaps he was right and you just hadn't though of it that way.

The solution to historically unfair divisions of labour between men and women, the disproportionate share of housework and childcare still done by women when they work full time is NOT to take revenge by taking the piss out of the good and fair men in our own lives. The OP seems so determined not to be a martyr and to make sure she's not being treated badly that she is, in my view, being very unfair to her husband. I don't like cheeky fuckers, I care not what sex they are..

@TravellingFrom

I said working in childcare is nothing like being a sahm. Which it isn’t. I don’t know about office jobs or how long you can relax in them, but I’ve always managed to have a cup of tea, watch telly, relax etc when a sahm as well, so I don’t buy this ‘oh it’s actually easier to go to work than be a sahm to two children at nursery.’ In my experience it’s not true.

OP, did you say what he actually does as a job? Is it particularly physically demanding?

I totally agree with you. Make the most of your Friday. You have to for your sanity. Then you won’t resent him if he wants to go off and do something on the weekend. It’s a win win.

I don’t know why people’s heads start spinning about this kind of thing. It’s not a competition.

You are home for his convenience. He can go to work with a clear head, secure in the knowledge that you are default parent, come what may. I bet he has his lunches out and adult chat when he’s at work? When he has a free moment in between meetings or whatever - does he feel the need to start cleaning his workplace? No he does not.

[quote peboh]@ooooopsididit are weekends not family time though? Given he does 50/50 house work split, when we he see his children and spend quality time with them if you take the children out without him on the weekend?
I feel like you've had one poster who has said you aren't unreasonable, and now your backtracking on the fact that you previously agreed that perhaps he was right and you just hadn't though of it that way. [/quote]
I do agree that it's definitely split in my favour, and as I've said many times, I'm glad he's mentioned it. We'll talk about it and find a way forward that is fairer for him.

What has surprised me is how many posters are shocked that I would want some time to myself, time that doesn't consist of doing stuff for others.

DH has been doing more that his share in some areas and we will work towards balancing that. But why should I feel bad because my children go to nursery so I can have a bit of time to myself.

Christ. The way that some MNetters are desperately twisting themselves in knots in order to justify the OP's laziness simply because she's a woman is embarassing. If she was a man posting this she would have had her arse handed to her in every single response.

You're taking the piss OP. You know it and your DH knows it. Although judging from your responses you've clearly already decided you're in the right.

Sitting there counting the hours, making excuses about how much you do when he seems to do alot despite having a full time job. Stating your not giving up your freetime to scrub skirting boards. I have 4 DC and with my last i took longer mat leave. It was lovely pottering to the baby groups, going out for lunch with friends, went to baby friendly movies. Absolutley nothing like being at work. My job was stressful so i made the most of my time off. I did the bulk of the housework, laundry and meal prep. I enjoy cooking anyway. I dreaded going back to work as I enjoyed my life but hey ho it had to be done.

With your attitude i wouldnt be surprised your DH leaves as he gets resentful especially with your 'me time' and when he gets the kids 50/50 he realises he gets more of a break. You seem to think his 'me time' is when he is at work

@ooooopsididit I absolutely agree that as a parent you deserve time to yourself. I'm a sahm myself, and with dd in nursery (15 hours per week) I get plenty of time to myself, whilst also getting the majority of housework done too. My DH doesn't do much in terms of housework during the week once dd is in bed, as that's his alone time. He chips in more at the weekend with picking things up etc and that's when we do a more "equal" split because we're both at home, managing the house and caring for dd.

@toomuchlaundry

I don't have an iron, but this is how laundry (doesn't) work in this house;

admire empty laundry basket
kids dump laundry into basket that they have been hoarding in their rooms, for what looks like months
ask kids to carry very overflowing basket down stairs, because I can't
child carries basket down stairs a week later, dropping items the whole way, like hansel and Gretel
wash a load
string it on radiators and on line and put what is allowed in drier
put on second load
fold up dry clothes from drier
unload 2nd load into basket to wait for radiator and line space
it rains, but no where to put clothes so leave them on line
fold clothes from radiator into basket
put half wet clothes onto radiator
put clothes from line back in washer because they smell
unload
put clothes that were in basket waiting for radiator space back in washer because they now smell
repeat a few times
run out of baskets because no one is putting away clean laundry and there is a bottle neck and basket of clean and dry/clean but wet/dirty etc clothes all over the place

I have now stopped having a communal laundry basket and everyone has to do their own, but situation hasn't improved 🤣

@Perfect28

Man I get so annoyed at parents putting kids in childcare and then sitting at home doing nothing. I guess they are over 3 and getting funding? I don't understand why all kids get funding at 3 regardless of what parents are doing when that money could be better spent funding younger babies who's parents need to work.

All kids don’t get funding. It’s only if you earn under £100k

Chores can be done an hour a day if your totally on top of them.
I think you should be doing them all.
You oh spare time should be spent with the children .... bathing, bedding etc.

Nursery funding is there because its good for kids to socialise - it's not for the parents benefit but for the child's.
It doesn't exist to provide free childcare for wohp anymore than sah ones!

I do take my children out so he'd be perfectly able to have the house to himself for the day, if he wanted, or he could go out. He'd be free to chose, like I am on my day off

OP, you are being silly. He presumably wants to see the children at the weekends because he doesn't see them that much during the week, not through choice.

You have it all ways at the moment - you have the luxury of not having to go to work, plus the luxury of a day and a half entirely to yourself. Plus you spend lots of time with your children, so wouldn't understand the point of view of a parent who has barely seen them all week (if I hadn't seen my children all week, I wouldn't want their other parent to take them out on Saturdays).

You really are being very unreasonable here.

I won't be spending my free day scrubbing skirting boards.

OP what did you think being a SAHP entailed?

It’s not a free pass to do nothing all day.
Your ‘job’ throughout the week is to do the childcare and clean etc.
As your kids are in nursery sometimes you should find this easier than most SAHP.

On the weekend it should be 50/50.

@GemmaAlone

I do take my children out so he'd be perfectly able to have the house to himself for the day, if he wanted, or he could go out. He'd be free to chose, like I am on my day off

OP, you are being silly. He presumably wants to see the children at the weekends because he doesn't see them that much during the week, not through choice.

You have it all ways at the moment - you have the luxury of not having to go to work, plus the luxury of a day and a half entirely to yourself. Plus you spend lots of time with your children, so wouldn't understand the point of view of a parent who has barely seen them all week (if I hadn't seen my children all week, I wouldn't want their other parent to take them out on Saturdays).

You really are being very unreasonable here.

So what is the answer then?

I've already said I'm prepared to do more around the house so he doesn't have to.

I haven't gone back to work because I can't find anything that wouldn't impact his work, and will work Around our children's nursery hours. He doesn't want them to go full time and neither do I.

He has to go to work full time so we can actually afford to live. So I can't change that.

I've said he can have a day to himself at the weekend because that would be fair as I get a day in the week. But that's not good enough either because he hasn't seen the kids all week.

So really what shall I do? Short of putting more hours in the day, or an extra day in the week, what do you advise?

OP does he want some days where he can just come home and do nothing other than play with the kids and read them a story? Is that what he's saying?

Maybe agree on the days where the kids are in nursery you do bedtimes and one day at the weekend, then the days where you have them both at home and the other day on the weekend he does bedtime?

Why does he have to be at work full time so you can live? Clearly you have an excess as you can afford to not work and pay for childcare whilst you're at home for two children. Couldn't you both work part time to make things more equitable? You said you've worked for 20 years so what's stopping you going back to that?

When I was a SAHM I did most of the household chores. I think he's been very patient not to bring it up before

@girlmom21

OP does he want some days where he can just come home and do nothing other than play with the kids and read them a story? Is that what he's saying?

Maybe agree on the days where the kids are in nursery you do bedtimes and one day at the weekend, then the days where you have them both at home and the other day on the weekend he does bedtime?

Bed times are already split, with us alternating nights. So on the nights I put the dc to bed he has his own time.

He does vacuum and dust a lot but I've never taken Too much notice because they're things I'd do, if he hadn't already done them!

He's a good man and not one to mention much so I was surprised when he commented earlier. I'd been oblivious to it as I was just glad it was getting done. But now he's mentioned I'll be a bit more proactive.

He's also told me he's glad I get some time to myself 😊