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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find visiting my inlaws such a waste of time

336 replies

littlepieces · 23/02/2022 10:47

I find going to my inlaws such a chore. DP always wants to go for the whole weekend when we go (Friday night to late Sunday night). He's really close with his family and their idea of spending time together is sitting on the sofa for three days watching football/F1/tennis or whatever sport is on. I just have to sit there going along with it, bored out of my mind, when I've got x100 other things I could be doing and would rather be doing. I'd also quite like a rest. His parents aren't the worst people, but not particularly enjoyable company either. MIL is hard work to talk to. She doesn't have any interests apart from TV, how great she is, and gossiping judgementally about her 'friends' and people she knows. I find it so draining, AIBU?

My parents live a couple of hours away but I'd never take DP to stay because everyone would get on top of each other and I appreciate DP wants to enjoy some of his weekend.

I know I only have to grin and bear this once every few months, but I really resent it and always come home feeling weirdly exhausted from doing nothing, and irritable with DP. Any advice on getting through these weekends better?

OP posts:
sillysmiles · 23/02/2022 12:42

I think the thing is you are not a guest - you are family and what your DP is doing is slotting into family life as it always was for him.
But this is not your family life so its hard for this set up to be comfortable for you.
My guess is that your DP isn't bored but relaxed - that it is like slipping on an old cardi when he goes home.

For them, the comfort is in being together - not necessarily in doing anything together - just being.

I find having a dog great - it gives me a reason to leave the house for long walks, then if I get soaked in the winter - that's another hour showering etc.

But also, you have a tongue in your head - get up and make yourself tea. Ask for cake when he's getting it. Break the silence.

RantyAunty · 23/02/2022 12:45

They sound boring. I hope your DH isn't as boring.

I'd just stop going. How often does your DH go over there by himself?

2Gen · 23/02/2022 12:46

If they don't make any effort to get to know you nor make you feel welcome, you don't have to go. Tell DH to go on his own and make some excuse if they ask, which they might not even bother to do, because by the sounds of it, they're not that bothered about you!
I haven't been near my MIL for years now, from even before FIL died, though she lives 10 minutes walk away and DH calls in occasionally. The reason wasn't so much because the inane chatter and constant subject changing irritated me, though it did, but because I realised that they only ever bothered with DH when they wanted something from him! They would ignore him for weeks (though he would call round, sometimes with me as well- even then they treated him like just some acquaintance; no warmth, no concern, no genuine interest), even months, ignore his birthdays, even milestone ones, but then hammer him when they wanted his services. I decided I was done with them and as far as I'm aware, it's never even mentioned that I don't go round there anymore. They bothered with me even less than DH so it's no surprise to me though.
Give yourself a break and stay away. I suspect they'd prefer your DH to themselves anyway and even if they do mind, feck 'em! They should have made more of an effort to make you feel welcomed and included then, shouldn't they?

Beautiful3 · 23/02/2022 12:48

I'd only go for the day.

WouldIBeATwat · 23/02/2022 12:48

I don’t go anymore. A 8-10 hour round trip to sit in silence (or worse just being told of people even DH has never met dying) isn’t how I want to spend my time.

DH and DC have just got back from such a trip. I had a lovely quiet weekend. :)

Craftycorvid · 23/02/2022 12:53

That would also be my weekend from hell, OP! How amenable to some carefully worded honesty might they be? As in ‘I’ll leave you to enjoy the sport; I’m afraid it’s not my cup of tea.’ I’d also use a bit of creative dishonesty; there’d be a ‘bad back’ that really required me to take myself for a long walk. I’d find sitting in silence watching TV pretty dull and lonely but it sounds as though it’s one of those family rituals your partner enjoys. Nowt as strange etc.

Sweetlikejollof · 23/02/2022 12:53

@littlepieces

Sorry, to clarify, hes never said he doesnt want to go to my parents. I don't even entertain the idea of taking DP to stay at my parents because I understand that's probably not what he'd want to be doing with his weekend. He doesn't seem to get it though.
Wait, have you actually told him ‘I don’t find hanging out at your parents’ restful’? Have you pointed out that, much as staying at your parents’ for a weekend wouldn’t be his weekend of choice, staying with his isn’t yours?

If not, then why not? If so, then what exactly doesn’t he get? What’s not to get about that?

MorrisZapp · 23/02/2022 12:54

Like everyone said, don't go.

But if you do decide to go, lay down the law. My DP used to expect me to entertain his mother with bright conversation while he indulged in wall to wall sport on the telly.

I politely told him I wasn't up for doing that and that if we visited her we took equal responsibility for making conversation.

She's lovely, just not very good at keeping her end up.

Momijin · 23/02/2022 12:55

I would kindly talk to him and tell him that of course he enjoyed spending time with them because they're his parents but you don't need to be there when all they're doing is watching tv. Much better for him to go and you can stay home and catch up with your jobs/inetesrets or visit your own family.

Geranium1984 · 23/02/2022 12:57

Fair enough if it's only 2 or 3 times a year. Could you try and make it more bearable by organising a couple of activities like visiting a national Trust property, out for a Sunday roast? That'd make the time go a bit faster. Or suggest you host them once a year if that is any better?? Then you could get some things done while they all sit infront of the TV 😄

burnthur5t · 23/02/2022 12:57

I wouldn't go but I have a spine

bunfighters · 23/02/2022 12:57

I would stop going (and did!). Why would you put yourself through this?

2Gen · 23/02/2022 12:58

@littlepieces

He actually goes to stay more often and I opt out a lot! He really wants me to go and his parents are always asking why I'm not there when he goes without me. They're a generation who think couples should be joined at the hip and if you're not, something is wrong.
Sorry OP I should have read all your posts before commenting. I'm very tired but still..! Even though they do ask when you don't go and DH wants you to come, that still doesn't mean you should go. DH needs to understand that you feel uncomfortable and drained and be more empathetic to you. You shouldn't have to have this hanging over your head all the time like a little cloud of Doom. You are an adult, you have valid reasons for not wanting to go and he should support you on this matter. It's wrong that he's trying to get you to go when he must surely know it makes you so unhappy. Tell him to make an excuse if he can't bear to tell them the truth. In your shoes I would just tell my DH to say I'm wrecked tired or something and haven't the energy for travelling nor mixing with people. That takes the personal sting out of it anyway. I suppose telling them that his DW isn't coming anymore because they bore the arse off her to the point she feels ill, wouldn't be very nice, lol!
FarDownTheRiver · 23/02/2022 13:01

@JaniieJones

'My favourite part of Sundays at theirs is when FIL religiously makes himself a cup of tea and a slice of cake at about 3pm and offers it to absolutely nobody else.'

So say oo I'll have some of that please! They maybe think you're dull and boring while you sit and seethe about everything they do or say.

I'm all for avoiding arseholes, difficult unpleasant people should not expect visits but your pils are harmless by the sounds of it. Just be nice.

I disagree. They sound rude and inconsiderate. That is unpleasant. And the treatment of OP does not sound nice to me.
Nemosaurus · 23/02/2022 13:01

It’s really not difficult to tell your dh that you don’t want to sit quietly on your arse for 2,5 days and watch TV. So what if he doesn’t understand, you can still want to do what you want to do even if he doesn’t get it.

(But I strongly suspect he’s playing stupid, because nobody could seriously be that stupid and not understand.)

Nemosaurus · 23/02/2022 13:03

And it should be minus one ’want to’ in that. Confused

Helendee · 23/02/2022 13:04

Go alternate visits or go and spend time doing things you enjoy.

Allsorts1 · 23/02/2022 13:04

Omg you’re not even married! I officially give you permission to only visit his parents for the weekend once a year. You can attend once every 6 months but just stay for one evening and then leave because you have a very important friends birthday to get to on the Saturday night (or other relevant excuse).

I would never do this for any DP and I wouldn’t have any that would expect me to! Or go and see your own family on his family weekends!

You can definitely opt out of this and sod them if they have an issue. If it’s a dealbreaker you’re better off finding out now before you have children and spend your whole life watching football in silence with children who are obsessed with sausages.

BluebellsGreenbells · 23/02/2022 13:10

How far away are they? Can you not escape to the nearest city?

I’d be board stuff as well!

HomeHomeInTheRange · 23/02/2022 13:13

How far away do they live? Can't you travel independently, at least one way, and you leave at the end of Saturday?

You need a 'hobby'. The one that takes up every weekend and holiday and absolves the participant from all and every family event and involves hours on Strava...you know the one, I believe women can occasionally d it too Wink

FarDownTheRiver · 23/02/2022 13:15

@Finallylostit

Sorry - you come across as quite snobbish, condescending and judgemental.

Tell them you are going for a walk - want to explore x and y and come back in. They do with their son what they like and you can dip in and dip out.

Honestly what are we talking 3/4 times per year.

I used to travel along way to see my in laws and we stay for a week+. This was my annual leave and whilst some bits were great other bits are not. I use the opportunity to do my 20000 steps per day - usually lose weight and explore the area - whilst engaging.

Is it really snobbish not to watch to sit watching telly for three days? I mean fine if that is what others enjoy but is it okay not to like somehting yourself/think it is a complete waste of time? I don't find OP snobbish at all. And the in laws don't like her dowing her own thing.
HomeHomeInTheRange · 23/02/2022 13:16

Hang on....are you Dave, married to Denise and the ILs are the Royle family?

Leftbutcameback · 23/02/2022 13:18

Why don't you treat it a bit as if you're at your own house or away for a weekend. So for example go for a run or swim, take some reading or work with you, spend some time on the phone to friends. Basically make yourself at home!

2Gen · 23/02/2022 13:25

@WonderfulYouThe OP's IL's make NO effort with her whatsoever, so she isn't close enough to them to be that forward! She shouldn't have to ask. If her FIL had any manners, he'd offer!

Fredstheteds · 23/02/2022 13:26

@Tigersonvaseline

This is where hosting skills also kick in.

No one should be expected at all to sit in silence watching telly Hmm for days.

Life is too short there is no way I'd expect my DC or DH to sit through hours of TV.

Agree but people do it
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