To find visiting my inlaws such a waste of time

[littlepieces]

I find going to my inlaws such a chore. DP always wants to go for the whole weekend when we go (Friday night to late Sunday night). He's really close with his family and their idea of spending time together is sitting on the sofa for three days watching football/F1/tennis or whatever sport is on. I just have to sit there going along with it, bored out of my mind, when I've got x100 other things I could be doing and would rather be doing. I'd also quite like a rest. His parents aren't the worst people, but not particularly enjoyable company either. MIL is hard work to talk to. She doesn't have any interests apart from TV, how great she is, and gossiping judgementally about her 'friends' and people she knows. I find it so draining, AIBU?

My parents live a couple of hours away but I'd never take DP to stay because everyone would get on top of each other and I appreciate DP wants to enjoy some of his weekend.

I know I only have to grin and bear this once every few months, but I really resent it and always come home feeling weirdly exhausted from doing nothing, and irritable with DP. Any advice on getting through these weekends better?

My parents live a couple of hours away but I'd never take DP to stay because everyone would get on top of each other and I appreciate DP wants to enjoy some of his weekend...I dont want to drag him away if that's what he considers quality family time?

Sooo.

You're respectful enough of your DP's time and preferences not to force him to go to your parents.

Why don't you have the same level of respect and autonomy for yourself? It sounds like you're the one pressuring yourself to go in the same way you WOULDN'T pressure your DP. (unless i've missed anything where you've said he's pressuring you.)

Why the double standard?

Sorry - you come across as quite snobbish, condescending and judgemental.

Tell them you are going for a walk - want to explore x and y and come back in. They do with their son what they like and you can dip in and dip out.

Honestly what are we talking 3/4 times per year.

I used to travel along way to see my in laws and we stay for a week+. This was my annual leave and whilst some bits were great other bits are not. I use the opportunity to do my 20000 steps per day - usually lose weight and explore the area - whilst engaging.

@Tigersonvaseline

Bear I don't think it would be possible that I'd ever be dealt the kind of hand I have had to tolerate. however God forbid there would be a second time around I wouldn't waste all the time I have doing things I don't want too , hosting miserable people etc...

Same here. I spent waaaaaay too many years people-pleasing. Not any more.

I say fuck the lot of them now, and only have 3 close friends, and my 2 DD, and my DH, and one cousin (and her 3 DD,) and one aunt who I am in regular contact with. Even my own brother only contacts me a couple of times a year, and I contact him a couple of times a year too. See each other every 3 years or so as he lives in Canada. No idea where DHs brother is and don't care. DH has contact with 2 cousins only.

Once our parents died - his mid to late 1990s, and mine late 1990s/early noughties, our families just sorta drifted apart, and fractured a bit, and we all only kept in touch with people we actually liked.

I have also binned off half a dozen or so friends this past few years who couldn't be fucked to contact me most of the time, and it was always me doing the running. The 3 close friends I have make as much effort as me, as do my aunt (in her 70s) and cousin (50s) and her 3 DDS (20s and 30s..) And of course, our 2 adult DD keep in touch as regularly as us too! 2-3 times a week contact, and see each other fortnightly. (They live 20-30miles away.)

Everyone else can fuck off now. I don't chase after anyone, and only have people in my life who care about me as much as I care about them. And I am NOT a people pleaser anymore. If I don't want to do something I don't do it. Learned to say NO very easily from around 45-46 years old.

I wish I had learned it many years before. I got roped into so many things I didn't want to do, and got used by people/used as a free childminder/a bank for relatives and friends who 'needed' money, and generally treated like shit by some people.

I also (as I said earlier,) spent EVERY SUNDAY for about 6 or 7 years, at DH's parents house, sometimes for 7 HOURS. And I really disliked them. AND I disliked his brother. NOW I would say 'LOL no! You go sit there for 7 hours if you want. I'm staying here.' I probably wouldn't go at all now... ever. Why should I spend my precious life with people I dislike?

When me and DH moved out of the area we grew up in (some ten years ago,) I ghosted a lot of people.

OP says

'never take DP to stay because everyone would get on top of each other and I appreciate DP wants to enjoy some of his weekend'

So those saying her DP doesn't want to visit her family, for all we know he might not mind it's just OP (right or wrongly) doesn't ask him to go. I don't think that reflects badly on him, if DP never suggested I went then I wouldn't.

Any double standards are OP's doing as she doesn't expect her DP to visit her family.

I don't understand why everyone is saying "3 or 4 times a year isn't too bad"

4 weekends a year is 8% of your total weekend time in the year. That's masses when you work full-time and your weekends are precious!

@Octomore
I interpreted it as the OP didn't invite her partner because she felt he would prefer to do be doing something else, not that he was invited and simply didn't go. If she would like him to also visit her parents with her, and he refuses/ makes it clear he doesn't want to , then that's obviously a different situation.

@Finallylostit

Sorry - you come across as quite snobbish, condescending and judgemental.

Tell them you are going for a walk - want to explore x and y and come back in. They do with their son what they like and you can dip in and dip out.

Honestly what are we talking 3/4 times per year.

I used to travel along way to see my in laws and we stay for a week+. This was my annual leave and whilst some bits were great other bits are not. I use the opportunity to do my 20000 steps per day - usually lose weight and explore the area - whilst engaging.

The OP doesn't WANT to go. Did you miss that bit? Did you also miss the bit where she said HE never goes to HER parents?

Another handmaiden are you @Finallylostit ??? Have to do what your DH wants? Don't really wanna do it, but suck it up anyway, and spend the time walking 20,000 steps a day, and buggering off so you're not with them anyway! PMSL.

Yabu - just take some books or something when u are there. Once every few months is like 4 times per year… u can go for a walk on you own while u are there.

When I commented initially, I somehow completely missed that this was a one way thing and he didn’t come with you to see your parents because ‘you know he wants to enjoy his weekend’. That’s nonsense. You don’t want to enjoy yours?! Why is your enjoyment less important than his?

Also, these visits don’t need to last the entire weekend. One night is entirely sufficient.

'but it's usually a very basic freezer dinner, chips and sausages or sausage rolls and crisps or something. Those are the family meal staples. I have offered to cook several times but they like to have their specific evening sausage based dinners'

Oh op, this gets even worse. Sausage based dinners. It's just too much. I'd LTB or go NC asap.

OP, can’t you arrange to see your parents the same weekend your DP sees his?

In honesty, it sounds miserable going to his parents so I simply wouldn’t bother to visit - maybe once or twice a year at most.

First, stop letting your DH off from visiting your parents. If you have to go to his, he has to go to yours.

Second, don’t go every time.

Third, go out in the local area. A walk, shopping, cafe, cinema. Just because they sit in, doesn’t mean you have to.

Fourth, take a book to read or an iPad with headphones and watch something you want to watch.

@Chonfox

What does your DP think of these weekends? Is he happy? what's he like at home with you on the weekend? I'd be worried that this could be your future if you have DC with this man... men often morph into their dad's on becoming fathers. So unless you fancy a future of football and colon cancer be wary!

And I also agree with this. I'd rapidly lose all respect for any man who was happy to spend whole weekends watching sport - whether he did it on his own or with his family.

1. Don't go.
2. If you go, why don't you look up if there's something interesting in the town or around the town to see and do some sightseeing?

@Octomore

I don't understand why everyone is saying "3 or 4 times a year isn't too bad"

4 weekends a year is 8% of your total weekend time in the year. That's masses when you work full-time and your weekends are precious!

Exactly ! Who are these people that are so important that you feel you owe it to them? Your dh is selfish expecting you to go there just for all of them to sit around like lumps staring at the TV the entire time. He doesn't even come to your family weekends. Just don't go. You won't be missing anything anyway.b

@Sweetlikejollof

When I commented initially, I somehow completely missed that this was a one way thing and he didn’t come with you to see your parents because ‘you know he wants to enjoy his weekend’. That’s nonsense. You don’t want to enjoy yours?! Why is your enjoyment less important than his?

Also, these visits don’t need to last the entire weekend. One night is entirely sufficient.

To be fair op says she doesn't take him. Not that he refuses.

Of course he enjoys a weekend to himself. Just like op does when he visits his parents without her.

Can you just find your own house-based entertainment?

Tell them you've gone vegan.
Hide the remote.
Laugh really loudly at every poor pun a sports commentator makes.
Shout offside every time a footballer makes a shot at goal.

How far away do they live?

Could you take yourself off for a long walk each day you're there? Or just go out somewhere anyway, even if they don't join you?

You need to find some way of easing your understandable boredom.

Just saying "don't go" isn't a solution. I am sure she tought about it herself before... but sometimes we must do stuff we dont want to do and it is ok to ask "how to make it easier."

Dear OP, I make a list of my life admins, you know the chores we need to do- mainly online stuff, even online food shopping, post to seperate ... bills to pay....do your tax even...

Sometimes I call people to have a catch up wit them while walk around their garden in laps....

Knit or do your hobby thing whatever it is....

I sometimes write xmas/easter cards while I am there ...whatever needs to be done requires sitting down...

Or have a good social media binge... read a book or a magazine .....

All the stuff that means you are in the room/house with them but miles away as well....

Sorry, to clarify, hes never said he doesnt want to go to my parents. I don't even entertain the idea of taking DP to stay at my parents because I understand that's probably not what he'd want to be doing with his weekend. He doesn't seem to get it though.

When there I would excuse myself for an hour or two .Oh I must get some plants while here ,what about a trip to nice little GC? or take myself into town now and then . If MIL would like to come maybe ask her sometimes .Also why are you nor seeing your own DP?

Sounds crap OP. Crap company, crap freezer food. I really don't like going to peoples houses and watching tv, especially relatives. What's the point? Stop going, maybe bear it twice a year, but no more.

@girlmom21

Can you just find your own house-based entertainment?

Tell them you've gone vegan.
Hide the remote.
Laugh really loudly at every poor pun a sports commentator makes.
Shout offside every time a footballer makes a shot at goal.

Amazing! 👏

Your inlaws sound exactly like mine. No interests, just want to sit and watch telly, no interest in food/eating, would sooner fly to the moon than go to a cage for tea and a slice of cake.

You need to take up knitting OP, it's the only thing which gets me through. Or drink. Or both.

Having read most of the thread I'm still not clear if there's something to do local to the DP's parents which the OP can do by herself: shop, walk, museum? Or, can you just join them for part of the weekend - how far is it, do you have your own car? Would they give you a hard time for not joining the sport, sausage & sofa experience?! They do sound quite contrary!

Seems to me you need to do something different to change this dynamic not just grin and bear it if it drives you mad (even if it's 3 or 4 times a year) as you may have years of this.