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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just invited to “After” party

606 replies

Cantleave · 23/02/2022 10:21

My Dsis has a big birthday (60th) coming up next week. My DN messaged me to invite me to a ‘surprise’ party. She said the plan was for DN, her siblings and their DCs to take Dsis out to lunch and then to all go back to my Dsis and bil’s house where the rest of the guests would be for the ‘surprise’ part. I was asked to make something and bring wine for the party! I was happy to make something, but a bit miffed at being asked to take wine too (I don’t drink), as I had already bought my Dsis a lovely gift, which cost a lot more than I could really afford!

However, firstly I am disabled and no cars are allowed at Dsis’s house, which means I will have difficulty getting there and back. With the other costs, I can’t afford a taxi. Secondly I am really struggling with my mental health (I lost my dh a few months ago) and really struggle to be in large groups, especially with people I don’t really know very well. I have been trying to overcome the issues with my mental health, but I feel really unwell, even at the thought of going out alone!

I decided to ask my brother, if I could get a lift with whoever is taking them. My brother wasn’t in when I phoned, so I spoke to sil (who I don’t really get on with). She took great delight in saying that wouldn’t be possible, as they were going to the lunch! I just said to her okay, I would try someone else, to which she replied saying not to ask A,B,C and D as they were also going to the lunch!

I am so hurt that it isn’t just Dsis’s immediate family at the lunch as DN said, but a wider base of family and friends, just not me!😓 To be clear, ‘D’sis knows who is going to the lunch, but obviously not the party afterwards, so as far as she is concerned I am just not invited!

I really don’t want to go at all now, as apart from the issues I have described, I am really embarrassed that I don’t seem to matter to my ‘D’sis. I know if I go, I will be asked why I wasn’t at the lunch and if I don’t go, I will be accused of being petty!

I am not going to get in touch with DN (who is also my goddaughter) and tell her how hurt I am, but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

OP posts:
Eggshausted · 23/02/2022 13:54

I would casually say to your sister that you cannot make the party at her house. Oops.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 23/02/2022 13:54

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

This
redambergreengo · 23/02/2022 13:55

I would be honest and say you may not go and explain your reasons. I'd also say that you would rather have been invited to the meal and gone home than a big surprise party.

NameGoesHere · 23/02/2022 14:03

What a bunch of cows! Call them out as thus behaviour has really damaged the relationships already. And return the gift, get a supermarket plant instead.

Bigboysmademedoit · 23/02/2022 14:03

£150 is a lot of money to attend an after party! Downsize your gift - I did this recently - got someone a decent gift, enough that they couldn’t obviously complain but they got the message clearly. I’d put a lot of time and effort into previous gifts (and it came to be expected) but got totally crap vouchers back each time - no thought, no effort - so I replicated their approach. Don’t send a big gift - just send a small token, don’t buy wine and let them know why you’re unhappy. Make them uncomfortable but maintain contact even if it is reduced.

SpiderVersed · 23/02/2022 14:07

Don’t send a big gift - just send a small token, don’t buy wine and let them know why you’re unhappy. Make them uncomfortable but maintain contact even if it is reduced

What terrible advice! Either go in good heart or don't go - you certainbly shouldn't be pissing on her chips at her 60th birthday party!

Hold fire on anything until you've talked to your niece.

irene9 · 23/02/2022 14:07

Is it not that they need someone else in Dsis's close family to be 'the surprise' part?
Otherwise there's no 'surprise' it's just we all go to lunch and then back to Dsis's house.

LakieLady · 23/02/2022 14:07

@SpicePumpkin

This is awful! I wouldn't want to go either now. But I would message your Niece, also after the event I would have a quiet word with your sister about why you weren't there. Don't be embarrassed, they should be! Your SIL sounds like a twat too!

My own bridesmaid didn't invite me to the day part of her wedding. But her hairdresser and his boyfriend got an invite. After I went on a very expensive hen do with her and a group of girls I knew well. People are weird.

Going to the reception without having to sit through the ceremony sounds like a win to me!
Whatdramain2022 · 23/02/2022 14:08

What a thoughtless family! I'd be distraught if my family treated me like this, especially after being so recently bereaved. I'd send the message as suggested by PPs and add that you'd appreciate a phone call later.

Threeboysandadog · 23/02/2022 14:08

I’d phone your sister and ask her why you have not been invited to the meal but only the surprise after party.

That will save you £30 on a taxi as you’ll either be able to take your car or you’ll be uninvited!

Win win.

SmellinOfTroy · 23/02/2022 14:10

@Cantleave

To answer a few comments, they don’t want cars at the house as it would ruin the surprise element. My sister has a house out in the country, so nowhere to park nearby. If I had to, I could afford a taxi, but it would cost over £30 for both journeys, which is a lot of money to me. That would mean that, with cost of gift, making something and buying wine, total cost would be about £140 - £150 all in.

I think I will phone my DN later, when she is home.

well thats bollocks isnt it - 1 car isnt going to spoil the surprise
Bookworm20 · 23/02/2022 14:12

If you are excluded from the lunch and its not some huge mistake on someones part, then Instead of getting a taxi from home drive to the restaurant and park there and get a lift with family members from the restaurant to the afterparty :)
Then you'll just need a taxi back to the restaurant.

Oh and 'accidently' forget the wine. Or better yet take a bottle of whatever it is you drink, be that sparkling water or whatever and tell them you thought she meant that you should bring a bottle of what you want you drink.

As for food. You ran out of time and so grabbed a few packets of crisps on the way.

But why would they want food if they are all out to lunch anyway?
I think theres just been a huge misunderstanding. Perhaps even SIL has got it completely wrong and thinks they are going to the lunch when in fact they are not.

Wtfdoipick · 23/02/2022 14:15

1 car isnt going to spoil the surprise

It will do if the only place to park is at the house itself.

Good luck talking to your niece

TheOccupier · 23/02/2022 14:15

@Threeboysandadog

I’d phone your sister and ask her why you have not been invited to the meal but only the surprise after party.

That will save you £30 on a taxi as you’ll either be able to take your car or you’ll be uninvited!

Win win.

This is evil, but I love it Grin
Eddielizzard · 23/02/2022 14:17

Horrible. I would tell your DN that while it was kind of her to include you, you won't be able to make it for the reasons you've told us.

Heytheredemons · 23/02/2022 14:21

Ultimately you need to be mature about this and ask your niece why you haven't been invited when it appears the majority of the wider family have, was this an oversight and does your sister know you have been excluded?
You then have to go from their depending on the response, but being inwardly seething will do you no favours.

Why have adults lost the ability to communicate and explain why they are hurt without feeling like they are being petty.
Is there a major backstory where you regularly complain about meals, always have no money to pay your own way, gone low or no contact with much of the family. Are you a particularly passive aggressive person and they just have had enough? If genuinely there is nothing you can think of, you need to tackle this calmly but head on and get to the bottom of the issue, as clearly there is one and if there is nothing at all you know of causing them to behave like this then they are arseholes and maybe you should start distancing yourself from your family

plus3 · 23/02/2022 14:25

@Heytheredemons

Ultimately you need to be mature about this and ask your niece why you haven't been invited when it appears the majority of the wider family have, was this an oversight and does your sister know you have been excluded? You then have to go from their depending on the response, but being inwardly seething will do you no favours.

Why have adults lost the ability to communicate and explain why they are hurt without feeling like they are being petty.
Is there a major backstory where you regularly complain about meals, always have no money to pay your own way, gone low or no contact with much of the family. Are you a particularly passive aggressive person and they just have had enough? If genuinely there is nothing you can think of, you need to tackle this calmly but head on and get to the bottom of the issue, as clearly there is one and if there is nothing at all you know of causing them to behave like this then they are arseholes and maybe you should start distancing yourself from your family

Exactly this - you don’t need the pitchfork gang behind you, just talk to ether your sister or niece.
PainterMummy · 23/02/2022 14:32

I have not voted above because you’re both YANBU and YABU

YANBU to be hurt and upset that you’re not invited to the lunch. Strongly suggest you contact your Bruce, who had made the invitation to you and advise her that you cannot make your own way to their home due to your disability so contacted other family members to ask for a lift inky to be told they’re all going to the lunch. That you’re very surprised not to have been invited. Daffy, due to lack of transport and no family available to offer you a lift, you must decline the invitation

YABU to just not show up and last minute give excuse

If you know you’re not going, say so. You don’t know what has gone on behind the scenes about the lunch.

TheOccupier · 23/02/2022 14:33

@Cantleave

To answer a few comments, they don’t want cars at the house as it would ruin the surprise element. My sister has a house out in the country, so nowhere to park nearby. If I had to, I could afford a taxi, but it would cost over £30 for both journeys, which is a lot of money to me. That would mean that, with cost of gift, making something and buying wine, total cost would be about £140 - £150 all in.

I think I will phone my DN later, when she is home.

The solution there is surely to arrive at the party (in your own car) a few minutes after DSis. You would miss the "SURPRISE!" moment when she walks in, but those are always cringey as hell anyway.

I think you are right to talk to DN about this. Hopefully she will have an explanation.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/02/2022 14:38

@irene9

Is it not that they need someone else in Dsis's close family to be 'the surprise' part? Otherwise there's no 'surprise' it's just we all go to lunch and then back to Dsis's house.
Surely the DN would have told the OP if that's what she wanted her to do, she would have to arrange for her to have a key and told her how she wanted her to organise people etc? She would have had to have let her know if she was expecting her to be the "person in charge" of all the guests
Darbs76 · 23/02/2022 14:39

Can’t you arrive a bit later in which case the cars won’t matter as she will already know by then

Crunched · 23/02/2022 14:40

Ultimately you need to be mature about this and ask your niece why you haven't been invited when it appears the majority of the wider family have, was this an oversight and does your sister know you have been excluded?
Why have adults lost the ability to communicate and explain why they are hurt without feeling like they are being petty.

Sorry about your recent loss.
Please be upfront about how thoughtlessly your family have seemingly treated you. I don't think there is any way I could put treatment like this behind me, so be clear about your feelings in case there is a huge misunderstanding somewhere along the line which would put things right.

MichelleScarn · 23/02/2022 14:43

@Darbs76

Can’t you arrive a bit later in which case the cars won’t matter as she will already know by then
Probably most sensible option!!!
Pokersecrets · 23/02/2022 14:47

Please just ring your sister and explain that you feel sad and excluded that you weren't invited to the lunch. Then listen to what she says. Don't put words in her mouth or tell her what you think happened, just listen to her explanation. My husband's family are always having massive fallouts and it's invariably because someone has misunderstood something somewhere, made assumptions and haven't found out the full facts (e.g. X not invited to Y, because X always does Z on that day, then X gets really upset and takes it personally)

Scbchl · 23/02/2022 14:48

Id not be going, telling your dn you won't be coming as due to your disability you wouldn't be able to park elsewhere and walk the remainder and everyone you have asked including your brother is actually invited to the lunch so you will fibe it a miss and hope they have a great time and then is return her expensive present. Who needs enemies when you have family like that.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dh.