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Original poster

Just invited to “After” party

606 replies

Cantleave · 23/02/2022 10:21

My Dsis has a big birthday (60th) coming up next week. My DN messaged me to invite me to a ‘surprise’ party. She said the plan was for DN, her siblings and their DCs to take Dsis out to lunch and then to all go back to my Dsis and bil’s house where the rest of the guests would be for the ‘surprise’ part. I was asked to make something and bring wine for the party! I was happy to make something, but a bit miffed at being asked to take wine too (I don’t drink), as I had already bought my Dsis a lovely gift, which cost a lot more than I could really afford!

However, firstly I am disabled and no cars are allowed at Dsis’s house, which means I will have difficulty getting there and back. With the other costs, I can’t afford a taxi. Secondly I am really struggling with my mental health (I lost my dh a few months ago) and really struggle to be in large groups, especially with people I don’t really know very well. I have been trying to overcome the issues with my mental health, but I feel really unwell, even at the thought of going out alone!

I decided to ask my brother, if I could get a lift with whoever is taking them. My brother wasn’t in when I phoned, so I spoke to sil (who I don’t really get on with). She took great delight in saying that wouldn’t be possible, as they were going to the lunch! I just said to her okay, I would try someone else, to which she replied saying not to ask A,B,C and D as they were also going to the lunch!

I am so hurt that it isn’t just Dsis’s immediate family at the lunch as DN said, but a wider base of family and friends, just not me!😓 To be clear, ‘D’sis knows who is going to the lunch, but obviously not the party afterwards, so as far as she is concerned I am just not invited!

I really don’t want to go at all now, as apart from the issues I have described, I am really embarrassed that I don’t seem to matter to my ‘D’sis. I know if I go, I will be asked why I wasn’t at the lunch and if I don’t go, I will be accused of being petty!

I am not going to get in touch with DN (who is also my goddaughter) and tell her how hurt I am, but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

OP posts:
LakieLady · 23/02/2022 15:03

Sorry for your loss, OP. Flowers

I think just asking your DN if they overlooked inviting you to the lunch is the best option.

Asking your DSis about the party and spoiling the surprise would be tempting though!

redandyellowbits · 23/02/2022 15:04

@Pokersecrets

Please just ring your sister and explain that you feel sad and excluded that you weren't invited to the lunch. Then listen to what she says. Don't put words in her mouth or tell her what you think happened, just listen to her explanation. My husband's family are always having massive fallouts and it's invariably because someone has misunderstood something somewhere, made assumptions and haven't found out the full facts (e.g. X not invited to Y, because X always does Z on that day, then X gets really upset and takes it personally)
Totally agree with this, they may have been trying to spare you a celebratory lunch so soon after the loss of your DH. Don't let a potential misunderstanding be a reason for a fall out with your sister at such a vulnerable time in your life. X
olympicsrock · 23/02/2022 15:05

So - perhaps they didn’t want to put you in the difficult position of not being able to afford the lunch.

Just arrive after your sister - no need to get a taxi and forget the bottle of wine. Food will be fine.

And if you just don’t want to go to the after party don’t go! It is an invitation not a summons.

Sending a hug xxx

Coffeepot72 · 23/02/2022 15:06

Definitely speak to niece, just in case there's been some monumental cock-up regarding the lunch invites. As someone said earlier, inwardly seething won't achieve anything. And your "what happens next " plan depends on your niece's response.

GreenFingeredNell15 · 23/02/2022 15:07

Definitely contact DN as above. Take the gift back. Do not go to the surprise party. Its very upsetting for you but maybe after its all calmed down you can talk to your sister about why you werent invited.

Nanny0gg · 23/02/2022 15:07

@Darbs76

Can’t you arrive a bit later in which case the cars won’t matter as she will already know by then
The point is, the OP hasn't been invited to the 'family' special lunch.
Fizzingmad · 23/02/2022 15:10

I agree just phone your Dn and ask, it could be that your brother etc have just invited themselves to the lunch?

WonderfulYou · 23/02/2022 15:24

Why are so many posters telling OP not to go - that’s not fair on her or her sister.

If she can’t get there she just needs to be honest and say that.

I don’t believe there is any malicious intention behind it so OP just needs to ask - not be petty and refuse to go.

Grandville · 23/02/2022 15:28

What a shit way to treat you. I would text rather than phone but you know which will be easier for you.

AngelDelightUK · 23/02/2022 15:28

I definitely wouldn’t be going, it’s so hurtful when family leave you out

ForeverSingle881 · 23/02/2022 15:30

YANBU to feel upset, that's pretty poor behaviour on their part. I'd be upset too.

SmolCat · 23/02/2022 15:35

Why are so many posters telling OP not to go - that’s not fair on her or her sister.
@WonderfulYou because

  1. her sister decided on the guest list and excluded the OP.
  2. it will cost the OP quite a bit to go.
  3. on top of excluding her they’re asking her to bring extras to the party (wine, making something).
  4. the whole thing has left the OP feeling upset.

For what it’s worth I don’t think the Op should immediately jump to not going. I think she should try and find out first if there’s an innocent explanation to all this - speak to the niece.

PriamFarrl · 23/02/2022 15:36

If they think that you won’t want to go because you won’t like the crowd, can’t afford it or won’t be able to access it then that is up to you to decide and not them. They should have invited you even if they know you might decline.

whynotwhatknot · 23/02/2022 15:41

Dont know how theyd been a cock up if dn specifically said it was only her and her family going to the lunch-then the sil comes out with oh theres others coming so they cant give you a lift

how can any of that be a mistake

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 23/02/2022 15:42

LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

Absolutely this, @Cantleave. I thought at first it might be a mix up out of concern you're grieving for the loss of your DH (so sorry for your loss) but not when you've been asked to bring food and even alcohol, when you don't drink. I really, really urge you to talk to your neice about it otherwise it will fester and make you more ill.

If you can't face talking, then text her exactly what Little Owl said.

TigerLilyTail · 23/02/2022 15:43

Good luck for the phone call. Thanks

DoleWhipFloat · 23/02/2022 15:43

Why do people do this? If my family arranged a surprise party for me and asked people not to bring cars incase they ruined the surprise, I’d suggest they need their head read.

All that money, inconvenience and guaranteed annoyance to surprise someone…in the middle of the countryside?! Ridiculous.

billy1966 · 23/02/2022 15:44

@MzHz

If this was a supposedly kind gesture then surely someone would have explained why *@Cantleave* isn’t included in the lunch

As you say, this lunch has your dsis knowledge but you’re not there

Honestly send the gift back and scale back

Given how you’ve lost your DH recently too, I think this is unforgivable - I’d scale back on Godmother stuff too.

Could you arrange something to do with a close friend.

This.

Truly awful behaviour.

@LittleOwl153's text is short and to the point.

I'm sorry for your loss.

GabriellaMontez · 23/02/2022 15:48

I'd ask your DN why she didn't tell you all the others were invited. Don't assume your sister knows about it all.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 23/02/2022 15:51

@Cantleave good luck , hope it’s just a misunderstanding

MillyMollyMandyMaybe · 23/02/2022 15:53

@whynotwhatknot

Dont know how theyd been a cock up if dn specifically said it was only her and her family going to the lunch-then the sil comes out with oh theres others coming so they cant give you a lift

how can any of that be a mistake

Yes, people seem to have missed this part - that the OP has not only been excluded, but has been deliberately lied to about the extent of the lunch party, so there’s no way to interpret it other than a deliberate act.

If they are doing it because they think it will be too much for the OP, or she might not want to celebrate having been so recently widowed, or that she might not be able to afford it, then they are still being arseholes, because she is the only one who should decide on these things. Or are you all suggesting that the disabled sister needs patronising, and other people to think for her? OP probably gets quite enough of that from strangers and officialdom, and should expect better from her own family.

If it was me in this situation, my family would never have dreamed of excluding me, and my brother would just quietly tell me he was paying so I didn’t need to worry about it.

OkayCoral · 23/02/2022 15:57

Good luck OP and do come back to update. Someone hasn’t been truthful, either your DN or your SIL... I do wonder if your SIL has either invited herself and her family along to the lunch, advised DN not to invite you or is otherwise somehow instrumental in this situation. She doesn’t sound like a very nice person and if you usually get on well with your sister then it is possible that someone else is behind this or there’s been a misunderstanding. I really hope that it turns out that your own blood family aren’t this unkind. Flowers Good luck!

nokidshere · 23/02/2022 15:58

I'm clearly not as nice as most people. I would message my sister and ask her directly why I haven't been invited to her birthday lunch.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 23/02/2022 16:00

@WindsweptPidgeon

OP I wouldn't take as gospel anything you've been told. So many opportunities for misunderstandings and Chinese whispers. It happened to me and caused a family fall out. I would speak to your sister directly and hear it from the horse's mouth. If does turn out to be the case you're not invited but everyone else is, then tell her to shove her lunch where the sun don't shine.
Yes, I was going to suggest asking the sister.

You know what WOULD be petty? Saying to the sister, "I know you don't want me at the lunch, but I just wanted to let you know I won't be at the surprise party back at your house, either." Grin

OP, you've tried your best to get to the party. Nobody would help you be there. It's not petty to not go.

AbsentmindedWoman · 23/02/2022 16:01

Oh this is so hurtful, I'm so sorry OP.

I would not go.

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