Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just invited to “After” party

606 replies

Cantleave · 23/02/2022 10:21

My Dsis has a big birthday (60th) coming up next week. My DN messaged me to invite me to a ‘surprise’ party. She said the plan was for DN, her siblings and their DCs to take Dsis out to lunch and then to all go back to my Dsis and bil’s house where the rest of the guests would be for the ‘surprise’ part. I was asked to make something and bring wine for the party! I was happy to make something, but a bit miffed at being asked to take wine too (I don’t drink), as I had already bought my Dsis a lovely gift, which cost a lot more than I could really afford!

However, firstly I am disabled and no cars are allowed at Dsis’s house, which means I will have difficulty getting there and back. With the other costs, I can’t afford a taxi. Secondly I am really struggling with my mental health (I lost my dh a few months ago) and really struggle to be in large groups, especially with people I don’t really know very well. I have been trying to overcome the issues with my mental health, but I feel really unwell, even at the thought of going out alone!

I decided to ask my brother, if I could get a lift with whoever is taking them. My brother wasn’t in when I phoned, so I spoke to sil (who I don’t really get on with). She took great delight in saying that wouldn’t be possible, as they were going to the lunch! I just said to her okay, I would try someone else, to which she replied saying not to ask A,B,C and D as they were also going to the lunch!

I am so hurt that it isn’t just Dsis’s immediate family at the lunch as DN said, but a wider base of family and friends, just not me!😓 To be clear, ‘D’sis knows who is going to the lunch, but obviously not the party afterwards, so as far as she is concerned I am just not invited!

I really don’t want to go at all now, as apart from the issues I have described, I am really embarrassed that I don’t seem to matter to my ‘D’sis. I know if I go, I will be asked why I wasn’t at the lunch and if I don’t go, I will be accused of being petty!

I am not going to get in touch with DN (who is also my goddaughter) and tell her how hurt I am, but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

OP posts:
Neenawneenaw76 · 23/02/2022 13:13

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

I'd send this, she's a CF! I'm so sorry for your loss xx
WonderfulYou · 23/02/2022 13:14

If you can’t afford to pay for a taxi or bottle of wine then you’re not going to be able to afford a meal out which will probably cost twice as much.

I wouldn’t refuse to come like PPs have suggested as then you miss out.

Just ring or text and ask why you haven’t been invited to the meal.

Ohdearthatwasntgreatwasit · 23/02/2022 13:16

@AnnesBrokenSlate

You need to speak to your niece. It might be that she wants a trusted adult to be back at the house to ensure the 'after' party is set up properly and that they're not going to walk in to a shambles.
This is horribly reminiscent of the original ‘gluezilla’ thread, in which the OP was expected to decorate a wedding venue for her ‘d’friend’s nuptials, while not being invited to the actual wedding.
OkayCoral · 23/02/2022 13:23

I’m so sorry to hear about your DH, OP. Flowers

And what an unkind thing your family have done. Your SIL sounds very mean. Might it be possible that she planted a seed in this decision, perhaps advised your sister or niece that you can’t go or that for some reason shouldn’t be invited? I feel that something is amiss here as it is such extraordinarily unkind behaviour and I would personally want to get to the root of it. Even if the root of it is that they’re all very cruel.

In this situation, personally I would take a very direct and honest approach and phone my sibling direct and soon (phone rather then text or email). I would be honest about how I was feeling and I would ask them to tell me very honestly why I hadn’t been invited to the lunch.

It does appear that your family are all treating you abysmally at a very low point in your life and when you really need them but before making a decision about your future relationship with them, I would firstly have a very open and honest discussion direct with my sibling about the reason why she/they reached this decision which has understandably caused you a lot of hurt.

It’s incredibly difficult to go out and celebrate with others after a bereavement and I totally understand how you feel.

We all need family and loved ones around us especially during tough times so I would definitely make this call and encourage a very frank discussion. Depending on the reasons given for not inviting you, you can then decide on what level of unkind they have been, who was involved in it and you can make a decision about future involvement with them. Perhaps they are just all very unkind but I don’t think you’ll ever know unless you speak directly to your sister.

Good luck. Flowers Hope this helps.

ScottishNameChange · 23/02/2022 13:23

Are you sure there hasn't been a mistake and that they aren't expecting you at the lunch?

WouldIwasShookspeared · 23/02/2022 13:24

If large groups and finances are a decision someone is making on behalf of the op then what is better - small family group at lunch or party with lots of people op barely knows?

Given the sister doesn't know about the party she only knows op is the only one not invited to the lunch so she thinks op is not invited to anything.

CurzonDax · 23/02/2022 13:27

This is disgraceful.
Fair enough, if it was just DSis and her children, and then everyone else at the after party. But no way would I invite some of my siblings, and not the others - especially if the one being left out has recently suffered a horrible loss, and is grieving.

I am so sorry OP, for both your loss and this crap. If I were you, I wouldn't go full stop, and I definitely wouldn't make some nice food and take some wine (when you don't even drink it - your DN is a CF!).

ivykaty44 · 23/02/2022 13:29

If you want to cancel last minute then do that, but on the other side of it don't expect things to change

Id text dear niece and say, ive contact x y z and a b c and it seems they are all invited to the lunch - is there a good reason why I haven't been invited?

Give the problem back to them - otherwise they'll always behave in this manner which has upset you.

WomanStanleyWoman · 23/02/2022 13:29

@WonderfulYou

If you can’t afford to pay for a taxi or bottle of wine then you’re not going to be able to afford a meal out which will probably cost twice as much.

I wouldn’t refuse to come like PPs have suggested as then you miss out.

Just ring or text and ask why you haven’t been invited to the meal.

But why haven’t they let OP decide whether she can afford it or not? It really isn’t up to her family to decide what she can and can’t afford.
Ponypizzy · 23/02/2022 13:32

I’d call them out on the bullshit leaving you out I think it’s awful. I hate the priority list that comes with celebrations. I get real anxiety around Christmas and Birthdays because of how family have behaved in the past.

Original poster
Cantleave · 23/02/2022 13:35

To answer a few comments, they don’t want cars at the house as it would ruin the surprise element. My sister has a house out in the country, so nowhere to park nearby. If I had to, I could afford a taxi, but it would cost over £30 for both journeys, which is a lot of money to me. That would mean that, with cost of gift, making something and buying wine, total cost would be about £140 - £150 all in.

I think I will phone my DN later, when she is home.

OP posts:
WindsweptPidgeon · 23/02/2022 13:36

OP I wouldn't take as gospel anything you've been told. So many opportunities for misunderstandings and Chinese whispers. It happened to me and caused a family fall out. I would speak to your sister directly and hear it from the horse's mouth. If does turn out to be the case you're not invited but everyone else is, then tell her to shove her lunch where the sun don't shine.

RosiePosieDozy · 23/02/2022 13:36

That is nasty OP. Really upsetting. I wouldn't be going if I was you and I would make your DN aware that you know everyone else was invited to the lunch and you are incredibly hurt.

WonderfulYou · 23/02/2022 13:36

But why haven’t they let OP decide whether she can afford it or not? It really isn’t up to her family to decide what she can and can’t afford.

But they might see that as more unfair to her to invite her and she’ll have to turn it down because she can’t afford it and feel bad for doing so.

She is already upset that they’ve implied getting a taxi and buying a bottle of wine when she can’t afford it so it would be pretty bad of them to invite her to a meal knowing she can’t go/can’t afford it.

OP has said they all get on so I can’t see any malicious intent behind it so she just needs to speak to them.

redbigbananafeet · 23/02/2022 13:37

@Nemosaurus

I can’t help wondering what your dh would have thought of this situation op.
Not helpful and really rather emotive and unkind.
FateHasRedesignedMost · 23/02/2022 13:38

I’d just cancel.

Maybe your sister knew you’d struggle/be unable to get to the restaurant and that’s why she didn’t invite you?

I’d also ask her why she excluded you, and make it clear it’s rude to ask someone to bring wine when you’re not inviting them to the main event!

Jolie12345 · 23/02/2022 13:38

Could you sister have been trying to save you the anxiety of going to the lunch?

hellithurt · 23/02/2022 13:41

How very unkind and thoughtless of them.

I wouldn't go, I also wouldn't ask why I was excluded, you just have been, which is unkind.

Keep away from them, they're not nice.

Ihaveroyallyscrewedup · 23/02/2022 13:42

I can’t believe how horribly they are behaving!
Im very blunt so I would tell them they’ve behaved appallingly not inviting you when everyone else has been invited, decline the invitation to the surprise part and return the gift, buy yourself something nice with that money.
Do not waste your time and effort on people that don’t value you!
I’d also probably tell them to get tae fuck but I’m not recommending that.

RosiePosieDozy · 23/02/2022 13:42

@WindsweptPidgeon has got me thinking now that what you have heard may have been misinterpreted.

Your SIL may have assumed they are invited to the lunch/invited themselves/demanded that they are invited. Or as you don't get on with her, she could be lying to upset you.

I would call DN and say who is going to the lunch? Get her to specify and clarify who is invited. If she says that your brother is and you are not, that's when you should tell her you are not coming to the party because of how nasty this all is.

MerryMarigold · 23/02/2022 13:43

I put YABU, just because I wouldn't make an excuse. If they really think you're 'Petty's for bit being invited to your Dsis meal then they are very weird. If DN is god daughter I would ask her why you're not invited. Maybe they thought they were being considerate. Maybe it's for bigger than immediate family just since she spoke to you. There could be a simple explanation which means all your hurt is unnecessary. However, if it was deliberate then they deserve to know you're upset and I wouldn't be spending much time with them in future.

BuanoKubiamVej · 23/02/2022 13:45

@Cantleave

To answer a few comments, they don’t want cars at the house as it would ruin the surprise element. My sister has a house out in the country, so nowhere to park nearby. If I had to, I could afford a taxi, but it would cost over £30 for both journeys, which is a lot of money to me. That would mean that, with cost of gift, making something and buying wine, total cost would be about £140 - £150 all in.

I think I will phone my DN later, when she is home.

So if they don't want any cars at the house, surely no one can get there?? How can a surprise party even happen, unless a special bus is being commissioned.

I think maybe this surprise party element is a bad idea. I get the impression that DSis wanted a small event with just immediate family, and more and more people have muscled in and the lunch has grown unmanagable, and now DN has realised that with the number of people coming to the lunch there are now loads of people just as close to your DSis who ought not to be left out and so is trying to organise the "Surprise Party" in order to include everyone who hasn't elbowed their way on to the lunch guest list. Whereas actully maybe your DSis doesn't want an after party at all and just wants to go home and have a quiet evening once the lunch is over.

It also sounds like you wouldn't really enjoy either the lunch or the after party either.

I think you politely decline the invitation to the after party and ask your DSis if you can arrange a meetup with just the two of you to celebrate her birthday in a quieter and more sedate manner that you can both enjoy, some other day that isn't too close to this big event.

MzHz · 23/02/2022 13:49

If this was a supposedly kind gesture then surely someone would have explained why @Cantleave isn’t included in the lunch

As you say, this lunch has your dsis knowledge but you’re not there

Honestly send the gift back and scale back

Given how you’ve lost your DH recently too, I think this is unforgivable - I’d scale back on Godmother stuff too.

Could you arrange something to do with a close friend.

7eleven · 23/02/2022 13:50

I’m not surprised you feel upset. Let’s hope there’s a really obvious mistake been made in their part. Flowers

Thundercats77 · 23/02/2022 13:50

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

Definitely this
Swipe left for the next trending thread