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Original poster

Just invited to “After” party

606 replies

Cantleave · 23/02/2022 10:21

My Dsis has a big birthday (60th) coming up next week. My DN messaged me to invite me to a ‘surprise’ party. She said the plan was for DN, her siblings and their DCs to take Dsis out to lunch and then to all go back to my Dsis and bil’s house where the rest of the guests would be for the ‘surprise’ part. I was asked to make something and bring wine for the party! I was happy to make something, but a bit miffed at being asked to take wine too (I don’t drink), as I had already bought my Dsis a lovely gift, which cost a lot more than I could really afford!

However, firstly I am disabled and no cars are allowed at Dsis’s house, which means I will have difficulty getting there and back. With the other costs, I can’t afford a taxi. Secondly I am really struggling with my mental health (I lost my dh a few months ago) and really struggle to be in large groups, especially with people I don’t really know very well. I have been trying to overcome the issues with my mental health, but I feel really unwell, even at the thought of going out alone!

I decided to ask my brother, if I could get a lift with whoever is taking them. My brother wasn’t in when I phoned, so I spoke to sil (who I don’t really get on with). She took great delight in saying that wouldn’t be possible, as they were going to the lunch! I just said to her okay, I would try someone else, to which she replied saying not to ask A,B,C and D as they were also going to the lunch!

I am so hurt that it isn’t just Dsis’s immediate family at the lunch as DN said, but a wider base of family and friends, just not me!😓 To be clear, ‘D’sis knows who is going to the lunch, but obviously not the party afterwards, so as far as she is concerned I am just not invited!

I really don’t want to go at all now, as apart from the issues I have described, I am really embarrassed that I don’t seem to matter to my ‘D’sis. I know if I go, I will be asked why I wasn’t at the lunch and if I don’t go, I will be accused of being petty!

I am not going to get in touch with DN (who is also my goddaughter) and tell her how hurt I am, but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

OP posts:
Thebedistoohot · 23/02/2022 12:35

That’s absolutely horrible. I’d be so upset too. I think I would decline but invite your sister to yours, on her own, another time. I’m sorry. That must hurt a lot.

astoundedgoat · 23/02/2022 12:36

"Hi DNeice, the logistics mean I can't get to the party. I hope the day goes well and that DSis has a good time. Can you explain, though, why I am DSis's only sibling not to be invited to the lunch?"

They're being really shit to ou, @Cantleave. Definitely no need to bow out gracefully - I'd ask out straight WTAF their thought process is here.

ConfusedBear · 23/02/2022 12:37

I've only read the OPs posts so this might have already been asked.

Could someone have a more old fashioned view of mourning and think that you would not be able to attend a restaurant as you are recently bereaved? I would speak to your niece and ask why you weren't included. And if you still want to go to the after party spend the wine money on a taxi.

newbiename · 23/02/2022 12:39

I'd definitely be asking why I wasn't invited to the lunch.

PegasusReturns · 23/02/2022 12:41

Ring your sister.

Your niece will be mortified to receive the text suggested by @LittleOwl153 and so will likely respond with a “sorry to hear that” and you’ll never get to the bottom of the situation.

XiCi · 23/02/2022 12:43

@ShowMeTheSugar

I think I'd just ask outright. Passive aggressive messages feel good but are less likely to get to the bottom of it (and I'd want to know).

"Thanks for inviting me to the party. I spoke to A to discuss transport and was told A, B, C, D etc have all been invited to the lunch. Is there a reason I wasn't included? I'm quite hurt to be left out when other siblings are going. As it stands, I might struggle for transport to x's House if I'm travelling separately, but can let you know".

If you don't feel able to call this is a great message to send. The one a pp suggested just sounds really arsey and I don't think would even get a reply
FlouncerSIT · 23/02/2022 12:43

I am so sorry, if they have done this deliberately, they sound bloody awful, especially when you're having such a tough time anyway.

They'd get on well with my family, who periodically do things like this (at least, older sister does; she's around the same age as yours, funnily enough. Younger sister, late 40s, is a lot nicer and more inclusive in all ways. We often joke about how we take it in turns to be out of favour with our older sister, never finding out the reason why - she's a LOT like our mother).

One of the events that infuriated me the most was when I didn't get invited to my oldest nephew's wedding ceremony and had a token invite to the after party and he only lives an hour away! It's one of the reasons I like living hundreds of miles away from my family, most of the time - they've been less use than a bunch of chocolate teapots when I needed help, as I found out a couple of years ago. I'm still in touch but I lost a lot of respect and affection for them.

Thank God for friends - if this does turn out to be deliberate spite, I'd absolutely not go is there someone you could spend the day with, a nice friend maybe?

Some great suggested wording on many of the messages on this thread - sending you good thoughts.

nettie434 · 23/02/2022 12:43

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

Perfect response from LittleOwl123. I'm so sorry your sister has treated you so hurtfully, especially after your bereavement.
SockFluffInTheBath · 23/02/2022 12:43

I agree with sending the message back on page one if the thread. They should be upset about this, not you. Return anything bought for her and spend the money on something nice for yourself. And make plans for that day you’re unavailable and not moping at home. I’m sorry for your loss Flowers

maddy68 · 23/02/2022 12:44

I would say that the place they're going to would be unkind for a reason possibly mobility iasue to invite you to. But they want you to go to the family party afterwards.

Just decline and say you can't go as you will have difficulty atte nding

DenholmElliot · 23/02/2022 12:44

but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

Yes it would be unreasonable to say this because it's a lie.

Ask your niece why you weren't invited to the sit down meal, like all the other siblings. Depending on the answer to that question i'd make a decision on whether to go or not. I wouldn't lie about it though, I'd tell them straight. And then just send a card and a bunch of flowers

maddy68 · 23/02/2022 12:46

Another reason might be that they know you are strapped foro ey and the restaurant is somewhere out of your budget so didn't want to embarrass you?

maddy68 · 23/02/2022 12:47

Strapped for cash *

Letterasaurus · 23/02/2022 12:49

For goodness sake, just ring your sister! Presumably she's the one who should decide who comes to her birthday lunch so she can tell you whether you're wanted (and if not, why). You need to hear it from her, not from anyone else.

And I'm very sorry for your loss and wish you well for the future Flowers

starfishmummy · 23/02/2022 12:50

@bbtatoes

Could it be that they've chosen a special restaurant that DSis would love to go to, but the restaurant isn't accessible for you?
That's still awful.

We have a disabled dc and you have no dea how insulting it is to have people telling us places aren't accessible or thst theu think something will be easier for us. Which like the OP's case usually means everyone else gets asked somewhere and we don't.

Nemosaurus · 23/02/2022 12:50

@maddy68

Another reason might be that they know you are strapped foro ey and the restaurant is somewhere out of your budget so didn't want to embarrass you?
Yeah but even then they should have carefully planned how op was going to get to the after party, and explained the reason why.
Gardeningcreature · 23/02/2022 12:52

Another vote for what Littleowl has said.

JustLyra · 23/02/2022 12:54

Hmm.

That sounds a bit like you've been chosen to be back at the house organising the party while the rest all go out for lunch - you can't take food and wine to a restaurant and who is going to let the other party guests in while everyone is out?

Very insulting and quite a slap in the face, especially if the fact there were a lot of people going to lunch was going to be hidden until they all arrive back at the house.

I'd send one of the texts suggested earlier to your niece about the transport and then leave the ball with them.

Aprilx · 23/02/2022 12:58

I read the title and got half way through your first post thinking, hmm I think you are being a bit unreasonable; lunch with her children fair enough, you have to get a taxi well we all pay to get to places from time to time … then I read that your other siblings are invited and you are not!

Nope. Don’t go at all, take her gift back and treat yourself instead. Your family are appalling.

Momijin · 23/02/2022 13:01

If it was my sister, I would message her asking why i wasn't invited. She's the only one that can answer that one.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 23/02/2022 13:04

"sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there without my car and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

Yes - but I think it is OK to also say that you feel sad that you have not been invited to celebrate at the lunch. Just add - "to be honest with you I am feeling sad not to have been invited to that"

Sweetdealer · 23/02/2022 13:06

Wow. This is really shitty behaviour especially as your DH died and you could really use the feeling of love and support. I’d do what one of the other posters above recommended. Write “I won’t be able to attend the after party. I would need a lift to get there but everyone is apparently going to the lunch which I thought you’d said was immediate family only. Hope she has a nice birthday.. I’ll see you soon” then leave it and return the gift.

WonderfulYou · 23/02/2022 13:10

Totally missing the point but I'm baffled as to how/why cars aren't allowed at her house?!?

Because it’s a surprise party and it won’t be much of a surprise if there are loads of cars parked outside.
And I’m assuming OP can’t walk very far so can’t park down the road.

AnnesBrokenSlate · 23/02/2022 13:10

You need to speak to your niece.
It might be that she wants a trusted adult to be back at the house to ensure the 'after' party is set up properly and that they're not going to walk in to a shambles.

Sparkletastic · 23/02/2022 13:12

This is really shit. Even if DSis knows you are really struggling at the mo she should have at least given you the option to come for lunch. Are you normally close? Has she been your main supporter since your DH died?