Just invited to “After” party

[Cantleave]

My Dsis has a big birthday (60th) coming up next week. My DN messaged me to invite me to a ‘surprise’ party. She said the plan was for DN, her siblings and their DCs to take Dsis out to lunch and then to all go back to my Dsis and bil’s house where the rest of the guests would be for the ‘surprise’ part. I was asked to make something and bring wine for the party! I was happy to make something, but a bit miffed at being asked to take wine too (I don’t drink), as I had already bought my Dsis a lovely gift, which cost a lot more than I could really afford!

However, firstly I am disabled and no cars are allowed at Dsis’s house, which means I will have difficulty getting there and back. With the other costs, I can’t afford a taxi. Secondly I am really struggling with my mental health (I lost my dh a few months ago) and really struggle to be in large groups, especially with people I don’t really know very well. I have been trying to overcome the issues with my mental health, but I feel really unwell, even at the thought of going out alone!

I decided to ask my brother, if I could get a lift with whoever is taking them. My brother wasn’t in when I phoned, so I spoke to sil (who I don’t really get on with). She took great delight in saying that wouldn’t be possible, as they were going to the lunch! I just said to her okay, I would try someone else, to which she replied saying not to ask A,B,C and D as they were also going to the lunch!

I am so hurt that it isn’t just Dsis’s immediate family at the lunch as DN said, but a wider base of family and friends, just not me!😓 To be clear, ‘D’sis knows who is going to the lunch, but obviously not the party afterwards, so as far as she is concerned I am just not invited!

I really don’t want to go at all now, as apart from the issues I have described, I am really embarrassed that I don’t seem to matter to my ‘D’sis. I know if I go, I will be asked why I wasn’t at the lunch and if I don’t go, I will be accused of being petty!

I am not going to get in touch with DN (who is also my goddaughter) and tell her how hurt I am, but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

‘… was supposed to only be my Dsis and bil, her, her siblings and their children at the lunch, making a total of 14. ’

But you, her sister, was not included in the invitation to that family lunch?

Were you my sister who had recently lost her DH (my BiL) you’d be there.

Wise of you to sit this one out.

@UniversalAunt - but that was just the sister, her children and grandchildren - no wider family invited. OP's brother wasn't invited to the original lunch either.

I don’t understand why so many people think the niece seems lovely.

Inadvertently or otherwise she’s the one that’s caused this.

Once more people were added to the lunch part she should have scrapped the surprise plan and spoke to her mother.

She’s also the one that hid the lunch getting bigger from the OP and asked her to be the food & wine provider.

The apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree in that imo

Your poor DN. People are such arseholes.

@JustLyra

I don’t understand why so many people think the niece seems lovely.

Inadvertently or otherwise she’s the one that’s caused this.

Once more people were added to the lunch part she should have scrapped the surprise plan and spoke to her mother.

She’s also the one that hid the lunch getting bigger from the OP and asked her to be the food & wine provider.

The apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree in that imo

I am not sure she is lovely but I am not sure she is awful either...

She set up an immediate family lunch and a surprise party after for a larger extended group.
So far so lovely nice.

Her mother (OP's sister) then steamrollers the lunch plans when revealed and added a ton of people.
Ballooning the lunch to 30 something people.
DN then awkwardly went about actioning it while trying to keep the surprise.
*Brilliantly handled on her part, maybe not...but I'd say she was blindsided and trying to keep her mother happy for her milestone 60th birthday

I'm sorry your family has done this to you, as much as you can say feck them it hurts. It's hurtful and horrible how they have acted. The only saving grace is that you found out before hand, could you imagine being at the after party when your dsis and her entourage swanned in and then finding out about the meal. Thank your lucky stars that you found out and won't have to suffer through it. Enjoy your gift.

I agree that the surprise party will be incredibly awkward.

You’ve done the right thing.

How nasty of your sister though

@JustLyra

I don’t understand why so many people think the niece seems lovely.

Inadvertently or otherwise she’s the one that’s caused this.

Once more people were added to the lunch part she should have scrapped the surprise plan and spoke to her mother.

She’s also the one that hid the lunch getting bigger from the OP and asked her to be the food & wine provider.

The apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree in that imo

The wine thing I agree with you on. Assuming that was a specific request to the OP and not a blanket ‘BYOB’ request to the whole group, then yes that was not cool.

The rest, though… I can sort of see how it unfolded. Her mum asked for a small intimate birthday lunch with her kids and grandkids. Niece has the idea to throw a big surprise party afterwards. Then mum expands the guest list for lunch and suddenly niece is in the awkward position of having to ‘upgrade’ loads of guests from the surprise party (which mum doesn’t know is happening) to the lunch, leaving the remaining few party guests to straggle behind afterwards. It sounds like the situation has really got away from her and to be honest she probably should have just cancelled the surprise party when the lunch expanded instead of trying to keep the ruse going. I feel for her as whatever happened, she was going to have to have some awkward conversations at some point and end up offending some people, when she seems to have started out doing a nice thing.

Surprise parties are fraught with difficulty and your DN has allowed this to get out of hand. Absolutely ridiculous, too, to hold a surprise party with no visible cars allowed in the middle of the countryside. Durrr!

Sorry this has all been so upsetting OP.

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

This is perfect

@JustLyra
Apols!!!! I forgot about the "bring wine" and "make something" request which actually was fairly cheeky as if DN was hosting the party which she was, she should have arranged catering (especially as a couple of cases of wine can go inconspicuously in a car boot)

Yes, once the lunch expanded the niece should have spoken to her Mum about the party instead of forging ahead with HER plan.

They could have had a small lunch, and an evening party knowing that everyone was included.

@FirewomanSam yeah I can see how it got out of hand , if the niece canceled the surprise guests the people no longer invited would’ve probably heard thru the grapevine that an event (the lunch ) did go ahead after all and that would be hurtful and awkward

She should’ve come clean when the mother started wanting to invite her friends
Of course none of this explains why the OP was never invited by her sister at all and that’s the crux of it all I guess :(

She should’ve come clean when the mother started wanting to invite her friends
Of course none of this explains why the OP was never invited by her sister at all and that’s the crux of it all I guess

You’re right @SalmonEile, that would have been the best thing to do. ‘Mum, I’m sorry but I tried to do a nice thing and your revised guest list has thrown a spanner in the works…’

An intimate lunch for 14 people followed by a surprise party with dozens more guests sounds good (well, at least it does if you like surprise parties!) A raucous lunch with 30+ guests followed by the surprise addition of a few uninvited stragglers afterwards… yikes. Awkward.

And yes I’d be completely devastated if my sister had a birthday lunch and my brother was invited but not me. I’d be absolutely heartbroken, I’m so sorry OP

Surprise parties are a good idea on paper, but in reality they are almost impossible to pull off. it sounds like things have gone badly here. I think the DN would be better to just come clean with her mum about everything, but I'm guessing this may be awkward. Still, its better than all the upset that's been caused.

Ah I'm so sorry about that update OP, how awful of them to try to use your DHs death as a reason not to invite you as well, that's so hurtful

Your family sound toxic, esp the SIL who took delight in letting you know about lunch and that you were excluded.

I hope you have friends who support you x

Being very charitable towards the sister... it sounds like their brother is in an independent friendship group with birthday sister. Is it possible that she viewed the lunch as 'immediate family + friendship group X', i.e. all her tennis friends or something like that, and it happens to include their brother?

DH ended up in a situation like that at uni, his brother and he were involved in the same sport and ended up in the same friendship group due to his brother and best mate dating two room-mates. So if DH had had drinks for his birthday and just invited a 'friends' group, his brother would have been there, but not his sister even though he's actually closer to her.

Its already a big number of people for lunch. Its possible the sister is an arsehole, its equally possible she's thinking she'll arrange a special 1 on 1 lunch for her birthday as otherwise OP will be drowned out by a group of friends who she doesn't know that well on her own and she won't have time to make sure she's not feeling awkward. I'm saying this based on the assumption the lunch is immediate family and one particular friendship group, obviously if there's loads of random cousins or other people OP knows well that's different.

But either way agree OP has handled it well, and that niece is in a pretty awful predicament, even if it is a bit of her own making. She really really should confess to her mother at this point.

I do agree surprise parties are often not about the recipient. I had friends who insisted on throwing a surprise baby shower years ago which involved surprising our pregnant friend when she had returned home from a yoga class, sweaty and in leggings, with everyone else wearing summer dresses and all glammed up. I argued really hard against that - I had other reasons to think she wouldn't like it - but ultimately had to give up. A lot of people just can't put themselves in other people's shoes. I hope that the party sisters bad behaviour here only stems from maybe feeling the OP needs more looking after at the moment and she wants to be selfish at her lunch and have a proper celebration another time, but I guess only OP knows. Either way delighted you get to enjoy the present yourself and hope relations with your niece at least recover from all this.

That is absolutely horrible. My great aunt lost her son when he was 8 and her husband recently (who was granny's brother so auntie is relation by marriage) and she was always very good to me so she's always had her place at my birthdays (my 21st was a big family meal) and at my wedding. I wouldn't dream of treating her the way you have been treated. I also agree with Little owl. Forget them all. Its nasty and horrible.

I agree that the DN should have come clean to her mum about the surprise party when she was asked to add more people to the lunch, presumably the lunch was only to get her away from the house while all the surprise guests arrived and those guests would include her friends, BIL etc.

Also, lunch out for 32 people sounds horrendous chaos and will take much longer than planned, it’s really not the same as a party where you can mingle, you usually are sat next to your immediate family and don’t get to chat to anyone else.

Gosh, imagine being one of the 17 friends waiting in the middle of nowhere to surprise your friend on her birthday, only for her to arrive with all the people she actually wanted to be with, and realising you weren't one of them. 17 people going out of their way to make her birthday special and all of them getting a massive 'fuck you' in return.

I'd be slipping out the back door with my king prawn platter and they'd never see me again.

All the party-only guests will know they didn't make the cut for the lunch when the large lunch group turns up. Painful.

@Ihatebullies2022

Gosh, imagine being one of the 17 friends waiting in the middle of nowhere to surprise your friend on her birthday, only for her to arrive with all the people she actually wanted to be with, and realising you weren't one of them. 17 people going out of their way to make her birthday special and all of them getting a massive 'fuck you' in return.

I'd be slipping out the back door with my king prawn platter and they'd never see me again.

Haha, you’re so right though, you’d be very annoyed as one of the 17

[quote Totalwasteofpaper]@JustLyra
Apols!!!! I forgot about the "bring wine" and "make something" request which actually was fairly cheeky as if DN was hosting the party which she was, she should have arranged catering (especially as a couple of cases of wine can go inconspicuously in a car boot)[/quote]
That’s the clincher for me.

Got out of hand - fair enough

Awkward - fair enough.

Asking her aunt to provide food and drink knowing that most people will have eaten already - rude.

Yes it’s a pain to have to tell her Mum about the surprise, but these things happen.

Far better to have had to cancel saying “Sorry, mum found out and she doesn’t want a surprise” than let 18 people, including her aunt and godmother, get the surprise of discovering they were the minority not deemed close or important enough for the meal.

Nailed it