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Original poster

Just invited to “After” party

606 replies

Cantleave · 23/02/2022 10:21

My Dsis has a big birthday (60th) coming up next week. My DN messaged me to invite me to a ‘surprise’ party. She said the plan was for DN, her siblings and their DCs to take Dsis out to lunch and then to all go back to my Dsis and bil’s house where the rest of the guests would be for the ‘surprise’ part. I was asked to make something and bring wine for the party! I was happy to make something, but a bit miffed at being asked to take wine too (I don’t drink), as I had already bought my Dsis a lovely gift, which cost a lot more than I could really afford!

However, firstly I am disabled and no cars are allowed at Dsis’s house, which means I will have difficulty getting there and back. With the other costs, I can’t afford a taxi. Secondly I am really struggling with my mental health (I lost my dh a few months ago) and really struggle to be in large groups, especially with people I don’t really know very well. I have been trying to overcome the issues with my mental health, but I feel really unwell, even at the thought of going out alone!

I decided to ask my brother, if I could get a lift with whoever is taking them. My brother wasn’t in when I phoned, so I spoke to sil (who I don’t really get on with). She took great delight in saying that wouldn’t be possible, as they were going to the lunch! I just said to her okay, I would try someone else, to which she replied saying not to ask A,B,C and D as they were also going to the lunch!

I am so hurt that it isn’t just Dsis’s immediate family at the lunch as DN said, but a wider base of family and friends, just not me!😓 To be clear, ‘D’sis knows who is going to the lunch, but obviously not the party afterwards, so as far as she is concerned I am just not invited!

I really don’t want to go at all now, as apart from the issues I have described, I am really embarrassed that I don’t seem to matter to my ‘D’sis. I know if I go, I will be asked why I wasn’t at the lunch and if I don’t go, I will be accused of being petty!

I am not going to get in touch with DN (who is also my goddaughter) and tell her how hurt I am, but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

OP posts:
FatCatThinCat · 24/02/2022 08:23

This is just awful. Your sister is treating you so badly. And to be honest, so is your niece. She knew what was happening and was happy to go along with it. She's only crying about it because you've found out.

CurzonDax · 24/02/2022 08:29

Has DN considered how long a lunch can take with 32 people (even when telling the restaurant in advance what everyone has ordered)?.

Staff handing out 3 courses to 32 people, and clearing up between courses; 32 people eating at different speeds; 32 people all wanting drinks at various and different points; those who may want the coffee course at the end; 31 people trying to gently encourage your sister to leave (whilst not wanting to give away the surprise), but she wants to stay for 'just one more' to 'spend more time with everyone on my birthday' ... the list of things that could happen with such a large group ...

The 17 B-guesters could be left waiting a while for the surprise party to start.

SalmonEile · 24/02/2022 08:34

I think with the niece it got out of hand because of the surprise element
When it was just the Birthday Girl , her husband, their children and grandchildren it made sense - nice little lunch and then invite friends and aunts to the house for the party

Presumably when Birthday Girl was told about the lunch she maybe felt a bit underwhelmed and said oh well can I invite my friends too (which included brother and SIL) and of course DN can’t say no without having to fess up about the surprise
The whole thing is a mess and you’ve handled yourself with dignity OP
Enjoy your owl you deserve it Flowers

Ponoka7 · 24/02/2022 08:37

"Has DN considered how long a lunch can take with 32 people. The 17 B-guesters could be left waiting a while for the surprise party to start."

The DN hasn't put any real thought into this at all. She's just wanted a party and the kudos. Every year there's posts asking if you have to invite people to events just because they are family and everyone agrees that you don't. The DN has picked everyone else who the birthday girl didn't want to include in her birthday celebrations to be in her house when she gets in. This is a terrible idea.

SalmonEile · 24/02/2022 08:37

And actually @CurzonDax raises a good point , with 32 people DSIS won’t even get a chance to spend time with each person while eating because everyone will be seated across a few tables so they’ll want to mingle afterwards this has disaster written all over it

billy1966 · 24/02/2022 08:38

@cameocat

I don't drink and always feel annoyed if I'm told to supply alcohol.

I think you've done the right thing OP.

I think it will be awkward with the second tier friends at the surprise party.

If you don't drink and are invited to a party, it is perfectly reasonable to bring a bottle of your preferred non alcoholic drink.

I think a card is more than sufficient in these circumstances.

I think the whole two tiered system sounds very tacky as the lunch party is so large.

I think it will be awkward, but your sister sounds thick as mud so it may not register.

As a guest at the party, it surely will.

JingsMahBucket · 24/02/2022 08:38

I wouldn’t even bother sending an actual card.

Spectre8 · 24/02/2022 08:42

@Cantleave it looks beautiful

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 24/02/2022 08:45

"OP isn't on the B list as far as the sister is concerned, she is it not aware of the B list, OP is not on any list."

This is also a very good point.
As far as OP's sister is concerned, she's just not celebrating with OP At All. This makes the exclusion so much worse. :(

Unless, of course, the "surprise" party isn't that much of a surprise...

billy1966 · 24/02/2022 08:49

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

"OP isn't on the B list as far as the sister is concerned, she is it not aware of the B list, OP is not on any list."

This is also a very good point.
As far as OP's sister is concerned, she's just not celebrating with OP At All. This makes the exclusion so much worse. :(

Unless, of course, the "surprise" party isn't that much of a surprise...

I kept meaning to say this.

The sister in not knowing about the surprise party has simply not included OP in her birthday celebrations at all.

So awful, but at least the OP now knows where she stands.

MerryMarigold · 24/02/2022 08:51

OP, if you do like DN I would have a word. I think she's got potential to ruin a large number of friendships (17 to be precise!) for her Mum. I think your Dn's original idea was lovely but now it's been changed it's become 'people I like' and 'people I don't like as much'. If your sis is not aware of this 'second class' party it may be better to cancel it altogether.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 24/02/2022 08:59
Sad
Valeriekat · 24/02/2022 09:04

@WonderfulYou

You know what WOULD be petty? Saying to the sister, "I know you don't want me at the lunch, but I just wanted to let you know I won't be at the surprise party back at your house, either." grin

No that wouldn't be petty and it would serve her sister right.

It’s a surprise for the sister! She has no idea it’s happening! So yes it would be very petty and very unkind.

Whatever has happened it’s not the sisters fault when she doesn’t even know it’s happening.

I’m sure it’s a case of misunderstanding and OP refusing to go or acting like a spoilt child isn’t going to help the situation.
The best thing would be to just ask why she wasn’t invited first.

It is her sister who hasn't invited her to the birthday lunch.
CannaeRemember · 24/02/2022 09:05

@Ponoka7

"I do think that your niece has tried her hardest to make this a nice thing for your sister, but your sister has actually screwed it up."

I think that the niece has got it wrong. Her Mother wants a meal out for her 60th, she shouldn't have a surprise party thrust upon her, no-one should. Surprise parties are about the organiser, not the birthday person. Since when can't you invite who you want to your birthday lunch? We don't know if the OP is still grieving and people have to be sensitive towards her. The OP doesn't drink, the Sister might want a boozy lunch. If you can't ask for what you want at 60, when can you? The OP bought a gift with conditions attached. The surprise party is a stupid idea. After being out the Sister might just want to get in and chill.

Surely being sensitive to your grieving sister would involve asking her whether she'd like to come for lunch to give her the option to refuse if she wasn't feeling up for it? Rather than simply excluding her. And of course the sister can have a boozy lunch if she wants - does that mean that everybody else has to get wrecked too? I don't see that the OPs gift came with conditions.

I do agree with you, though, that the party is a daft idea.

BlondeDogLady · 24/02/2022 09:10

Blimey, I would hate this. Imagine having a big lunch and some wine, and you finally get home, hoping to chill, and there are 17 people inside your house, Uurgh!!

I spent my 50th in Jamaica, sipping cocktails on a white sandy beach.

grapewine · 24/02/2022 09:11

@FatCatThinCat

This is just awful. Your sister is treating you so badly. And to be honest, so is your niece. She knew what was happening and was happy to go along with it. She's only crying about it because you've found out.
Yeah, this. And she won't bring it up with her mother so she's not that bothered about OP's feelings either.
Justilou1 · 24/02/2022 09:13

If this IS a surprise party, then your DN is the problem, not your DS. She is the one who made the decision to cut you from the dinner and invite you to the after party. She’s just crying so that you feel guilty.

Lulu1919 · 24/02/2022 09:14

No cars allowed ....because of parking ?
Is it possible for you to take a car in this situation ?

OperationDog · 24/02/2022 09:16

A lovely thoughtful present …I think you should give it too her .
Two wrongs don’t make a right

It's not wrong to not send a present, and this is a special and expensive one. In fact it would be ridiculous to send it. I would just send a card, nothing else is necessary.

OP, I hope you have enormous pleasure from your owl. You deserve a treat to yourself.

Valeriekat · 24/02/2022 09:17

@Amnotamug

A lovely thoughtful present …I think you should give it too her . Two wrongs don’t make a right 💕💕🙄
No!
Shimmyshimmycocobop · 24/02/2022 09:19

I think its bizarre that the lunch party are a much larger group than the surprise party waiting at the house.
It seems an odd arrangement all round and you are best out of it op, although I expect it will hurt for a bit. I hope your owl gives you pleasure. Flowers

Nowomenaroundeh · 24/02/2022 09:22

I would do this.

And I'm so sorry op, they sound utterly horrible.

KerryWeaver · 24/02/2022 09:23

So 17 friends, who are not quite so 'nearest and dearest', could be waiting for hours for DSis and her 32 'nearest and dearest' friends to arrive home from a boozy lunch.

What could go wrong?

Yes, I think DSis will be surprised.

Lulu1919 · 24/02/2022 09:26

Sorry just scrolled back and saw the update ...
Good for you !!
Sod 'em
💐

Nowomenaroundeh · 24/02/2022 09:29

Oh I posted without showing who I was responding to sorry.

But anyway your plan is bang on OP. And yes it's going to be awkward at the party. With the complications of no cars it's unlikely all seventeen will show up to a house party. Let's say ten arrive. That's ten people who forked out for taxis who will rightly feel like b-listers when presented with thirty-three people coming from lunch.

Your niece sounds lovely, your sister sounds thoughtless and your sil nasty.