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Original poster

Just invited to “After” party

606 replies

Cantleave · 23/02/2022 10:21

My Dsis has a big birthday (60th) coming up next week. My DN messaged me to invite me to a ‘surprise’ party. She said the plan was for DN, her siblings and their DCs to take Dsis out to lunch and then to all go back to my Dsis and bil’s house where the rest of the guests would be for the ‘surprise’ part. I was asked to make something and bring wine for the party! I was happy to make something, but a bit miffed at being asked to take wine too (I don’t drink), as I had already bought my Dsis a lovely gift, which cost a lot more than I could really afford!

However, firstly I am disabled and no cars are allowed at Dsis’s house, which means I will have difficulty getting there and back. With the other costs, I can’t afford a taxi. Secondly I am really struggling with my mental health (I lost my dh a few months ago) and really struggle to be in large groups, especially with people I don’t really know very well. I have been trying to overcome the issues with my mental health, but I feel really unwell, even at the thought of going out alone!

I decided to ask my brother, if I could get a lift with whoever is taking them. My brother wasn’t in when I phoned, so I spoke to sil (who I don’t really get on with). She took great delight in saying that wouldn’t be possible, as they were going to the lunch! I just said to her okay, I would try someone else, to which she replied saying not to ask A,B,C and D as they were also going to the lunch!

I am so hurt that it isn’t just Dsis’s immediate family at the lunch as DN said, but a wider base of family and friends, just not me!😓 To be clear, ‘D’sis knows who is going to the lunch, but obviously not the party afterwards, so as far as she is concerned I am just not invited!

I really don’t want to go at all now, as apart from the issues I have described, I am really embarrassed that I don’t seem to matter to my ‘D’sis. I know if I go, I will be asked why I wasn’t at the lunch and if I don’t go, I will be accused of being petty!

I am not going to get in touch with DN (who is also my goddaughter) and tell her how hurt I am, but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

OP posts:
HenryIV · 23/02/2022 23:53

DryOldCaper True! And even worse if the 17 are providing food and drink for the 32 who have previously been out for lunch. I was assuming DN was young, but guessing as it's a 60th she should know better.

DryOldCaper · 23/02/2022 23:56

Absolutely agree!

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 23/02/2022 23:58

Probably not exciting to a lot of you. It is an Owl Edge Sculpture. I got the Ginger Cat Sculpture, from my colleagues, when I had to give up work and absolutely love it

Rotten way you've been treated - but you come out of this with your dignity intact, unlike the rest of them @Cantleave. You've avoided an excruciating situation back at your sister's house when the B listers see the A listers and realise what's happened, and you now have the beautiful pair of 'the Owl and the Pussycat' sculptures too!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/02/2022 23:59

I'm SO glad that you phoned your niece and were able to have that conversation, which has both cleared up for you where the "fault" started for your omission from the lunch, and allowed you to back out of the arrangement entirely.

I do think that your niece has tried her hardest to make this a nice thing for your sister, but your sister has actually screwed it up. And since she was the one who omitted you from the "besties" list, then it's good that you can step away without worrying about upsetting her (since she clearly wasn't worried about upsetting you!)

A win for you overall though - now you no longer have the cost of a taxi or a large quantity of wine (one bottle is probably ok) - AND you get to keep the lovely thing! Plus you don't have to run the gamut of the many people at the party, when you're still not really feeling up to it. Thanks for you.

me4real · 24/02/2022 00:41

Well done @Cantleave . Enjoy your present. Smile

KosherDill · 24/02/2022 01:21

Good for you! Enjoy the gift!

Send a card and keep the wine for yourself.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 24/02/2022 02:18

@Ionlydomassiveones

Thanks for the update op. I wouldn’t even bother sending the wine - it’ll just get absorbed in all the revelry and won’t be appreciated. A card posted with a second class stamp will do for your selfish sister. If anything.

Shame your DN has been upset by being in the middle of it all.

Chin up. At least you haven’t got to endure some boring, self indulgent party and spend a fortune on a taxi. Enjoy your ‘present’. Wink

A card without a stamp so the spiteful sister has to pay to receive it. Or one of those Moonpig e-cards, a few days late.
PrincessNutella · 24/02/2022 02:48

I hope you have a lovely sister's birthday without being weighed down by that useless sister!

BOOTS52 · 24/02/2022 04:26

They are disgusting not to invite you to the lunch, I would not go to the party and would tell your niece that if your sis did not ask you to the lunch then you will not be attending the party. Your sil seems to take great delight in telling you not to ask abcd as they are all going to the lunch, trying to lord it over you, what a snotty cow. Return the gift and buy yourself something really nice. Get some goodies in or order a nice take away and relax with your feet up night of the party as I would not enjoy it anyway if it was me as would be so fed up that they left me out. Sorry for what you are going through now and hope you have some support and if not please try to get doctor's appointment and even ring up grief counsellor as it will help. Big hugs and feck the lot of them, sound vile.

BOOTS52 · 24/02/2022 04:29

Come on here if you need to talk to anyone and the ladies here will give you support. Be strong and if your sister asks you anything just tell her calmly you were not invited to the lunch and that is just not right then say sorry have to go busy. Keep your distance from them and don't let them take over your thoughts as not worth it all so selfish and thinking of themselves. Not nice people at all.

LetHimHaveIt · 24/02/2022 05:25

I think you've comported yourself wonderfully, OP.

Send a card. Don't send wine; keep the present.

'Two wrongs don't make a right' is glib, banal phrase used by glib, banal people. OP hasn't committed a 'wrong'. It's not a 'wrong' to not hand over an expansive present to someone who has behaved appallingly.

Also loving the poster who wonders why you can't afford a taxi if you can afford the meal: 'How come people can't eat and heat their homes?' 🙄

Billybagpuss · 24/02/2022 06:44

I think your niece sounds lovely I’m glad you were able to have an honest conversation with her.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 24/02/2022 06:46

Well done OP, I think you have done really well to avoid the whole sorry mess 💐

obstacalling · 24/02/2022 06:53

The whole thing sounds a total mess. They need to scrap the surprise element

Nobody should ever be the victim of a surprise party

Sister needs to understand the entirety of the event so she can make informed decisions

DryOldCaper · 24/02/2022 06:57

@Billybagpuss

I think your niece sounds lovely I’m glad you were able to have an honest conversation with her.
Again. The niece asked the OP to bring wine to the after party, knowing full well that the OP wasn’t invited to her own sister’s actual 60th birthday event.

And, presumably, knowing that the OP doesn’t drink.

She doesn’t sound that lovely.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 24/02/2022 07:05

I'm so sorry. @Cantleave. That's dirty behavior from your sister. It must sting 💐

Keepyourheadscrewedon · 24/02/2022 07:08

OP I am shocked at the update, I had hoped as you know it was a simple mistake.

It was not a mistake. You know where you stand now.
Do you have friends and other family members op? Your priority now is to increase your circle of support and love, join new things when you feel able and try and remember YOU are the decent person here.

How anyone can do this to their sister who is grieving with disabilities is absolutely beyond me. Your sister is a cruel and vindictive woman and if she were my sister I would never talk to her again.

Keepyourheadscrewedon · 24/02/2022 07:09

Please don't send wine op, a card is more than she deserves. Spend the wine money on yourself.

Keepyourheadscrewedon · 24/02/2022 07:13

By the way EVERYONE at that lunch will be sitting there wondering where you are, everyone will know what kind of person your sister is after that lunch. The party sounds utterly shit with just 17 people stood there like an after thought, if they turn up!

I would be distancing myself from someone like your sister after this, what a shocker.

SugarAndCoffee · 24/02/2022 07:19

How hurtful for you OP. You have handled it well though.

FirewomanSam · 24/02/2022 07:51

I agree that the surprise after party, while well intentioned by the niece to begin with (apart from the request for wine) is going to make things very awkward.

A colleague of mine actually had a similar situation happen recently with a baby shower (I know, I know…) she gave her friend a small list of people to invite, then decided she wanted a bigger thing so gave her a second list with some more people. She wanted everyone on both lists invited. Unfortunately her friend decided to treat these as two different tiers of guests and invited the first group to a lovely posh afternoon tea, and the second group just to to the ‘after party’ back at her house.

People in each of the groups were friends with each other and chaos ensued when people realised they’d been invited to different things. The grumblings eventually got back to my colleague, who turned up at work in tears one morning after realising that half her friends had been very blatantly told they weren’t as important to her as her other friends were. She had to send some very apologetic messages and ask her friend to actually invite everyone to the whole thing. Very awkward!

cameocat · 24/02/2022 07:55

I don't drink and always feel annoyed if I'm told to supply alcohol.

I think you've done the right thing OP.

I think it will be awkward with the second tier friends at the surprise party.

Mix56 · 24/02/2022 07:56

OP isn't on the B list as far as the sister is concerned, she is it not aware of the B list, OP is not on any list.
This whole thing is all going to go terribly wrong. Who actually enjoy an after party after going out for Lunch
Sister will discover that you are aware of the exclusion.
Probably will be horrified by the B party, & look like a cow to her other guests.
I very much hope that there is a conversation where you tell your sister she can take her apology & shove it up her arse

BorsetshireBanality · 24/02/2022 08:02

Does she have a problem with neighbours cats in her garden?
Ditch the wine and get her a box of lion poo!

Ponoka7 · 24/02/2022 08:18

"I do think that your niece has tried her hardest to make this a nice thing for your sister, but your sister has actually screwed it up."

I think that the niece has got it wrong. Her Mother wants a meal out for her 60th, she shouldn't have a surprise party thrust upon her, no-one should. Surprise parties are about the organiser, not the birthday person. Since when can't you invite who you want to your birthday lunch? We don't know if the OP is still grieving and people have to be sensitive towards her. The OP doesn't drink, the Sister might want a boozy lunch. If you can't ask for what you want at 60, when can you? The OP bought a gift with conditions attached. The surprise party is a stupid idea. After being out the Sister might just want to get in and chill.

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