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Original poster

Just invited to “After” party

606 replies

Cantleave · 23/02/2022 10:21

My Dsis has a big birthday (60th) coming up next week. My DN messaged me to invite me to a ‘surprise’ party. She said the plan was for DN, her siblings and their DCs to take Dsis out to lunch and then to all go back to my Dsis and bil’s house where the rest of the guests would be for the ‘surprise’ part. I was asked to make something and bring wine for the party! I was happy to make something, but a bit miffed at being asked to take wine too (I don’t drink), as I had already bought my Dsis a lovely gift, which cost a lot more than I could really afford!

However, firstly I am disabled and no cars are allowed at Dsis’s house, which means I will have difficulty getting there and back. With the other costs, I can’t afford a taxi. Secondly I am really struggling with my mental health (I lost my dh a few months ago) and really struggle to be in large groups, especially with people I don’t really know very well. I have been trying to overcome the issues with my mental health, but I feel really unwell, even at the thought of going out alone!

I decided to ask my brother, if I could get a lift with whoever is taking them. My brother wasn’t in when I phoned, so I spoke to sil (who I don’t really get on with). She took great delight in saying that wouldn’t be possible, as they were going to the lunch! I just said to her okay, I would try someone else, to which she replied saying not to ask A,B,C and D as they were also going to the lunch!

I am so hurt that it isn’t just Dsis’s immediate family at the lunch as DN said, but a wider base of family and friends, just not me!😓 To be clear, ‘D’sis knows who is going to the lunch, but obviously not the party afterwards, so as far as she is concerned I am just not invited!

I really don’t want to go at all now, as apart from the issues I have described, I am really embarrassed that I don’t seem to matter to my ‘D’sis. I know if I go, I will be asked why I wasn’t at the lunch and if I don’t go, I will be accused of being petty!

I am not going to get in touch with DN (who is also my goddaughter) and tell her how hurt I am, but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

OP posts:
Gilmorehill · 23/02/2022 22:06

Op you’ve handled the situation perfectly. I’m sorry you have such a thoughtless family.

Phobiaphobic · 23/02/2022 22:07

I'm so sorry, OP. You family has behaved appallingly. All of them, that is, that have gone along with this.

Ionlydomassiveones · 23/02/2022 22:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

LizzieSiddal · 23/02/2022 22:16

I feel for you Flowers

The only thing I can think in defence of your sister is that she genuinely did think a lunch would be too much for you, after losing your dh. However she should have invited you and let you make that decision!

I suspect your DN will say something to her mum or dad, as she won’t want to leave you in this situation. I do hope your sister or BIL apologise profusely to you and manage to persuade you to come to the lunch. Flowers

Rosscameasdoody · 23/02/2022 22:21

Firstly my sincere condolences on your loss. I’m disabled and a wheelchair user, and my first thought on reading your post was that maybe the restaurant was difficult to access for you and it was just thoughtlessness on their part. I lost my partner some years ago and invitations to various events dried up for a while afterwards because of the mistaken impression that I wouldn’t be able to manage on my own. If this isn’t the case and there’s no back story of previous issues I think you have to address what’s in front of you.

I don’t think a cover story of not feeling well is a good idea. I think you should contact your niece and tell her that everyone you asked for a lift to the after party is going to the lunch, and that as a result you won’t be able to go - thereby letting her know that you know she lied when she told you the lunch was just for immediate family. If your sister isn’t aware that there is a surprise party after the lunch, then it would appear she’s not bothered by the fact that her own sister has no part in the celebration of a significant birthday. As others have said, you’d think you’re recent bereavement would be even more of a reason to make sure you’re included and taken care of. It’s not you who should feel embarrassed, it’s them. It’s a shitty way to treat anyone, let alone your own family, so take a step back from them for now. Definitely get a refund on the gift and be good to yourself with the cash. Just one question - given that you’re disabled, why are cars not allowed at your sisters’ house ?

Rosscameasdoody · 23/02/2022 22:27

Sorry OP, just read the update. You handled that really well. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this upset. You’ve been honest and straightforward and they’ve treated you appallingly. I do hope you manage to sort it all out. Enjoy your gift to yourself, you deserve it.

Thewindwhispers · 23/02/2022 22:28

Sorry you were put in that situation OP. V mean of your sister.

For what it’s worth I think you handled it all well.

marble1 · 23/02/2022 22:43

What a cockup! You poor thing OP. SIL is a cow - ignore her from now on. The only thing I can possibly think of is that as sister is unaware of afterparty she thought it was just a birthday lunch with some family and friends that she sees regularly and that doesn't include you ( due to distance or whatever) and hasn't really given it anymore thought. I mean it's incredibly stupid of her but may not have been meant with malice as she doesn't know about the after party ( which sounds like it will be a disaster btw - surprise! oh look there's all the people she really likes that have already been out to lunch with her and here are us 17 standing around like plonkers). Just trying to put it out there that it may be thoughtlessness rather than malice. Doesn't make it any better for you OP. And I am very sorry for the loss of your husband.Flowers

Smileyaxolotl1 · 23/02/2022 22:48

You sound lovely. Your sister sounds like an immature selfish bitch and your niece seems nice but very weak.
Enjoy the present. Sod the wine and just send her this card….

Just invited to “After” party
Spectre8 · 23/02/2022 22:55

Sod her. I know want to know what the gift to yourself is Grin

girlonamission · 23/02/2022 22:56

OP you can hold your head high, youve done the right thing and there is nothing more to say. Enjoy the present!

AfterSchoolWorry · 23/02/2022 22:57

Your sister should be ashamed of herself.

Nasty behaviour.

CantGetDecentNickname · 23/02/2022 23:12

I thought it would turn out to be a simple misunderstanding on their part or that SIL was stirring things up and your call to DN would sort it out. I am shocked and sorry to find the truth. Most of us would have invited you to the lunch but stressed that we’d understand if you changed your mind at any time. It sounds as though your DSis thought you might spoil her lunch and didn’t think about you at all which is horrid. She must have realised that you’d find out about it at some point. DN was placed in a difficult situation but should have spoken up for you. I’d ignore any calls for a few weeks and continue with your plan to send a card and wine and enjoy the gift yourself (would love to know what it is).
Flowers

HenryIV · 23/02/2022 23:14

I think you’re avoiding a very awkward ‘surprise’ party. Your SIL is going to be blindsided when faced with 17 people who weren’t important enough to attend the lunch, particularly with an entourage of 32. You’re best out of it but I’d love to be a fly on that wall. You sound lovely OP and have behaved with absolute dignity. You’re niece, btw, sounds lovely, as do you and you deserve better.

EveningOverRooftops · 23/02/2022 23:16

I am wondering, and this is based purely on experience of my own sister, if your sister wanted all the attention on her not you given your loss as you would be comforted by the wider group at some point as is normal and decent of human beings especially if there are people there you know in passing or have met previous.

This is exactly the sort of thing my sister would do and has done. Many name changes ago I posted about a ceremony my sister had and it all really was an excuse to be the centre of attention after other siblings had the spotlight in them.

I’ve also not been invited to many family lunches and seen my own mother post pictures online of ‘my lovely family’ with all of my siblings, niblings and in-laws but no me and DC. I’m an arsehole and would regularly reply ‘not your whole family because I wasn’t invited again was I?’ Or words similar but likely more sweary.

I am NC with them all now no have been for over a year. With long periods of NC previously. This time it’s for good though.

Well done for shining up your ovaries and making it known you’re unhappy with what’s occurred me sorry you have shit relatives like mine.

Original poster
Cantleave · 23/02/2022 23:26

@Spectre8

Sod her. I know want to know what the gift to yourself is Grin
Probably not exciting to a lot of you. It is an Owl Edge Sculpture. I got the Ginger Cat Sculpture, from my colleagues, when I had to give up work and absolutely love it 😍
OP posts:
Amnotamug · 23/02/2022 23:27

I think you handled this really well…head held up high.Unfortunately your family look like a bunch of tossers .
Am sure your sister will be shocked and mortified !

Amnotamug · 23/02/2022 23:29

A lovely thoughtful present …I think you should give it too her .
Two wrongs don’t make a right 💕💕🙄

whynotwhatknot · 23/02/2022 23:32

I wish hadnt been right op-you sound like a good person though sorry for the loss of your dh

Original poster
Cantleave · 23/02/2022 23:35

@HenryIV

I think you’re avoiding a very awkward ‘surprise’ party. Your SIL is going to be blindsided when faced with 17 people who weren’t important enough to attend the lunch, particularly with an entourage of 32. You’re best out of it but I’d love to be a fly on that wall. You sound lovely OP and have behaved with absolute dignity. You’re niece, btw, sounds lovely, as do you and you deserve better.
I hadn’t actually thought that through, but yes, I think it is going to be awkward. Unfortunately, I think my DN will be the one left embarrassed, rather than my sister.
OP posts:
ralanne · 23/02/2022 23:42

@HenryIV

I think you’re avoiding a very awkward ‘surprise’ party. Your SIL is going to be blindsided when faced with 17 people who weren’t important enough to attend the lunch, particularly with an entourage of 32. You’re best out of it but I’d love to be a fly on that wall. You sound lovely OP and have behaved with absolute dignity. You’re niece, btw, sounds lovely, as do you and you deserve better.
This! The whole thing is a disaster! So everybody at lunch says goodbye, pretends they're going home? How do they secretly get to the house before DSis? Or do they all come back with her and then, surprise! Here are 17 other people you didn't want to invite! The lunch will surely come up, you can't expect the 32 to keep quiet about it, so then the 17 will feel as you did.

They are horrible. They have treated you appallingly. DN should have intervened before now or cancelled the whole surprise thing.

The only positive is that you found out in advance so you can keep the lovely gift for yourself and you won't go to trouble or expense for these people.

HenryIV · 23/02/2022 23:45

Cantleave It's definitely going to be awkward. Your DN had lovely intentions with the surprise, but I can only feel extreme embarrassment coming for your DS. It will be a very interesting end to the birthday lunch. This is on your DS and not your DN (and you're best out of it!). Also, enjoy your gorgeous (self) gift, you definitely deserve it more than the original recipient 💕

BeenHereForAges · 23/02/2022 23:46

I'm so sorry you've been treated this way. It always seems to be the lovely people who are treated appallingly in these situations. Well done you for not putting up with it & sticking up for yourself. You deserve better.
I've googled your sculpture as it's so beautiful. Enjoy.

DryOldCaper · 23/02/2022 23:47

@HenryIV

I think you’re avoiding a very awkward ‘surprise’ party. Your SIL is going to be blindsided when faced with 17 people who weren’t important enough to attend the lunch, particularly with an entourage of 32. You’re best out of it but I’d love to be a fly on that wall. You sound lovely OP and have behaved with absolute dignity. You’re niece, btw, sounds lovely, as do you and you deserve better.
The niece asked the OP to bring wine to the after party, knowing full well that the OP wasn’t invited to her own sister’s actual 60th birthday event.

And, presumably, knowing that the OP doesn’t drink.

She doesn’t sound that lovely.

Juniper68 · 23/02/2022 23:50

Sounds like you've dodged a bullet. What a shower they are.

Enjoy your gift Smile