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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just invited to “After” party

606 replies

Cantleave · 23/02/2022 10:21

My Dsis has a big birthday (60th) coming up next week. My DN messaged me to invite me to a ‘surprise’ party. She said the plan was for DN, her siblings and their DCs to take Dsis out to lunch and then to all go back to my Dsis and bil’s house where the rest of the guests would be for the ‘surprise’ part. I was asked to make something and bring wine for the party! I was happy to make something, but a bit miffed at being asked to take wine too (I don’t drink), as I had already bought my Dsis a lovely gift, which cost a lot more than I could really afford!

However, firstly I am disabled and no cars are allowed at Dsis’s house, which means I will have difficulty getting there and back. With the other costs, I can’t afford a taxi. Secondly I am really struggling with my mental health (I lost my dh a few months ago) and really struggle to be in large groups, especially with people I don’t really know very well. I have been trying to overcome the issues with my mental health, but I feel really unwell, even at the thought of going out alone!

I decided to ask my brother, if I could get a lift with whoever is taking them. My brother wasn’t in when I phoned, so I spoke to sil (who I don’t really get on with). She took great delight in saying that wouldn’t be possible, as they were going to the lunch! I just said to her okay, I would try someone else, to which she replied saying not to ask A,B,C and D as they were also going to the lunch!

I am so hurt that it isn’t just Dsis’s immediate family at the lunch as DN said, but a wider base of family and friends, just not me!😓 To be clear, ‘D’sis knows who is going to the lunch, but obviously not the party afterwards, so as far as she is concerned I am just not invited!

I really don’t want to go at all now, as apart from the issues I have described, I am really embarrassed that I don’t seem to matter to my ‘D’sis. I know if I go, I will be asked why I wasn’t at the lunch and if I don’t go, I will be accused of being petty!

I am not going to get in touch with DN (who is also my goddaughter) and tell her how hurt I am, but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

OP posts:
MumofBoys79 · 23/02/2022 21:09

You sound lovely OP. I feel really angry on your behalf. It's them, not you!

I think you should feel proud of the way you've handled this crappy situation. Do something lovely/indulge yourself on the day the party is happening, be glad you don't have to endure the stress of being there!

So sorry for your loss xx

peboh · 23/02/2022 21:09

Op you have handled this brilliantly. I am so sorry that the outcome is what you feared! However glad you found out now, instead of going to the party and finding out there. Now you don't have to make the effort for people who haven't put the thought into you!
Enjoy the gift, you deserve it ❤️

ZenNudist · 23/02/2022 21:11

That's really sad how your family have turned their back on you after your dhs death. I'm glad you stood up for yourself and your DN cares.

XiCi · 23/02/2022 21:11

So sorry OP, that is awful. So strange she would exclude you like that. Why on earth didn't your niece say something to her? There is no way id stand by and let my mum exclude my aunty without questioning her about it. Its all very odd.

tribpot · 23/02/2022 21:11

You can kind of see how this has snowballed and now your niece is stuck with a rather second rate surprise for her 'D'M, has alienated all those who only made the B list (who apparently the DM doesn't really want to see on her birthday, given she's expanded the lunchtime list so much) and could well end up getting it in the neck off her DM for making her do a surprise second party after lunch.

However, none of that excuses the thoughtlessness of your sister or the insensitive way your DN has tried to fob you off. "Sorry you're not invited, it's because you're a disabled, grieving widow" - it's not exactly high diplomacy, is it?!

If you think you can enjoy the present without it being tainted by memories of this, I think you're doing the right thing to keep it for yourself. Bollocks to the lot of them.

wizzler · 23/02/2022 21:12

Op I think you have handled thIs really well. Having the conversation must have been hard but it's so much better than a text exchange which can be misconstrued. You have kept your dignity and poise . Enjoy the gift

Eightiesfan · 23/02/2022 21:13

So all the special friends and family get to go to a birthday lunch and those excluded get to attend a surprise party with instructions to bring along both food and drinks, unbelievable.

XiCi · 23/02/2022 21:14

I think the worst thing is that your sister doesn't even know about party B so to her mind she's excluded you from her whole 60th birthday. That must be so hurtful

TracyMosby · 23/02/2022 21:17

Enjoy the gift!

StrongTea · 23/02/2022 21:17

Hope when other guests ask where you are she is really embarrassed.

MyOtherProfile · 23/02/2022 21:19

This is a sad. Would you ever speak to your sis about it?

Pixie2015 · 23/02/2022 21:21

Hope it’s a lovely gift that you enjoy, you deserve it x

StoneofDestiny · 23/02/2022 21:25

Awful behaviour of your sister. Just send a card and leave it at that. No point sending wine - and you are right to keep the gift.

capricorn12 · 23/02/2022 21:29

Could it be that they know that you are struggling financially at the moment and think that you wouldn't want to go to the restaurant because of that? I'm clutching at straws here I know but there may be an explanation and I would just ask your niece straight out. If there is a reasonable explanation she'll tell you , if not let her squirm.

Barbarolo · 23/02/2022 21:30

So sorry for the loss of your DH 💐 you do not need this nonsense from your family at this difficult time.

Your dignity and straightforwardness in the situation is admirable - I certainly couldn’t afford them this in light of what has happened.

Enjoy the gift; you deserve it and remember, you can choose your friends but not your family (unfortunately) 😓

peboh · 23/02/2022 21:30

@capricorn12

Could it be that they know that you are struggling financially at the moment and think that you wouldn't want to go to the restaurant because of that? I'm clutching at straws here I know but there may be an explanation and I would just ask your niece straight out. If there is a reasonable explanation she'll tell you , if not let her squirm.
If you read ops update, she has spoken to her dn this evening.
Lupinspotato · 23/02/2022 21:31

Absolutely agree to what littleowl said.

LesLavandes · 23/02/2022 21:34

So sorry you have been treated so badly. 🌺

Lupinspotato · 23/02/2022 21:35

You’ve been treated awfully. Absolutely keep the gift!

affairsofdragons · 23/02/2022 21:42

Well done for standing up for yourself calmly, OP.

Your sister is a cow.

And if she dares say anything to you for not accepting the lesser invitation, I'd quietly but pointedly tell her that you hope for her sake, should she lose her husband as you've lost yours, that her friends and family don't drop her like a hot rock, too, because it's a very lonely place to be. Made lonelier by selfish, insensitive people who are supposed to love you but instead pointedly exclude you from things you previously would have been included in.

ShowMeTheSugar · 23/02/2022 21:42

You have been treated terribly. Well done for asking outright about how this came about, as much as it sounds a horrible conversation you know where you stand.

Can you have a friend round the night of the birthday so you can enjoy a wine and company? You deserve much better than the way you've been treated Flowers

Choccyluvva · 23/02/2022 21:42

Tbh I would want to speak to my sister directly to understand the reason ( and to let her know I knew I was left off)
I always like closure on these things so someone knows why I’m no longer speaking to them etc your niece may not have the full picture

RandomMess · 23/02/2022 21:50
Thanks
Yaya26 · 23/02/2022 21:51

Good on you. Well handled. I'm sorry for your loss and this crappy treatment by your family xx

ScribblingPixie · 23/02/2022 22:02

I admire you, OP. You've behaved in a very straightforward, sincere way and you deserve better from your sister. I'm very sorry for your loss. This is the last thing you need now but you've handled it well.

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