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Original poster

Just invited to “After” party

606 replies

Cantleave · 23/02/2022 10:21

My Dsis has a big birthday (60th) coming up next week. My DN messaged me to invite me to a ‘surprise’ party. She said the plan was for DN, her siblings and their DCs to take Dsis out to lunch and then to all go back to my Dsis and bil’s house where the rest of the guests would be for the ‘surprise’ part. I was asked to make something and bring wine for the party! I was happy to make something, but a bit miffed at being asked to take wine too (I don’t drink), as I had already bought my Dsis a lovely gift, which cost a lot more than I could really afford!

However, firstly I am disabled and no cars are allowed at Dsis’s house, which means I will have difficulty getting there and back. With the other costs, I can’t afford a taxi. Secondly I am really struggling with my mental health (I lost my dh a few months ago) and really struggle to be in large groups, especially with people I don’t really know very well. I have been trying to overcome the issues with my mental health, but I feel really unwell, even at the thought of going out alone!

I decided to ask my brother, if I could get a lift with whoever is taking them. My brother wasn’t in when I phoned, so I spoke to sil (who I don’t really get on with). She took great delight in saying that wouldn’t be possible, as they were going to the lunch! I just said to her okay, I would try someone else, to which she replied saying not to ask A,B,C and D as they were also going to the lunch!

I am so hurt that it isn’t just Dsis’s immediate family at the lunch as DN said, but a wider base of family and friends, just not me!😓 To be clear, ‘D’sis knows who is going to the lunch, but obviously not the party afterwards, so as far as she is concerned I am just not invited!

I really don’t want to go at all now, as apart from the issues I have described, I am really embarrassed that I don’t seem to matter to my ‘D’sis. I know if I go, I will be asked why I wasn’t at the lunch and if I don’t go, I will be accused of being petty!

I am not going to get in touch with DN (who is also my goddaughter) and tell her how hurt I am, but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

OP posts:
Isonthecase · 23/02/2022 20:28

Well done for facing it head on and being honest and open with your niece. Such a shame your sister has turned out to be like this.

Mybestyear · 23/02/2022 20:28

@Cantleave

I have spoken to DN. we both ended up in tears. When she invited me to the Surprise Party, it was supposed to only be my Dsis and bil, her, her siblings and their children at the lunch, making a total of 14. Everyone else (including my brother and sil) were only going to the Surprise party. However my Dsis decided she wanted her best friends to go as well and asked that they be invited. As the group they socialise with include my brother and his wife, they were also on the list for the lunch.

The Birthday lunch now comprises of 32 people and there are now only 18 for the Surprise (well 17 now, as I am not going). My DN said that when the plans changed and I wasn’t on the Lunch list she was really upset and didn’t know what to do and was dreading my finding out! She tried to say that her dm probably didn’t ask me because of dh’s death and not thinking I would want to go out, but I shut her down on that.

She asked me to give her some time to speak to her DM about inviting me to the lunch, but I have told her not to, as I definitely wouldn’t go now anyway, knowing that my “D”sis didn’t want to invite me. I have also told her I won’t be at the Surprise party and it is up to her whether she says anything to her DM about my non-appearance. She doesn’t want to upset her DM so nothing will be said.

I will send my sister a card and a bottle of wine, but I’m keeping the gift I had got her as it is something I really loved (but couldn’t have justified buying for myself).

Excellent OP - good for you on keeping the gift for yourself. Take care of yourself Flowers
OkayCoral · 23/02/2022 20:30

Your niece sounds lovely, OP. Your sister has been thoughtless, insensitive and self absorbed, frankly. Clearly carried away with ‘it’s my party so I’ll do what I want to’ and not considering how her sister might be feeling.

I really hope that you have friends and family who are looking out for you.Flowers

bbtatoes · 23/02/2022 20:31

This is such strange behaviour from your Dsis, I'm wondering if something else is going on.

Is so strange for her to have that many people invited but not you.

Do you argue, or have quite a distant relationship? Do you see each other quite often?

Could she think that you actually had been invited?

grapewine · 23/02/2022 20:34

@Cantleave

I have spoken to DN. we both ended up in tears. When she invited me to the Surprise Party, it was supposed to only be my Dsis and bil, her, her siblings and their children at the lunch, making a total of 14. Everyone else (including my brother and sil) were only going to the Surprise party. However my Dsis decided she wanted her best friends to go as well and asked that they be invited. As the group they socialise with include my brother and his wife, they were also on the list for the lunch.

The Birthday lunch now comprises of 32 people and there are now only 18 for the Surprise (well 17 now, as I am not going). My DN said that when the plans changed and I wasn’t on the Lunch list she was really upset and didn’t know what to do and was dreading my finding out! She tried to say that her dm probably didn’t ask me because of dh’s death and not thinking I would want to go out, but I shut her down on that.

She asked me to give her some time to speak to her DM about inviting me to the lunch, but I have told her not to, as I definitely wouldn’t go now anyway, knowing that my “D”sis didn’t want to invite me. I have also told her I won’t be at the Surprise party and it is up to her whether she says anything to her DM about my non-appearance. She doesn’t want to upset her DM so nothing will be said.

I will send my sister a card and a bottle of wine, but I’m keeping the gift I had got her as it is something I really loved (but couldn’t have justified buying for myself).

This is so crap. I'm really sorry. But good that you stood up for yourself. Hope you enjoy the gift and have someone to spend that particular day with so you don't have to think about it.

Also very sorry for the loss of your husband Flowers

BearPear · 23/02/2022 20:36

What a mess OP, families - can’t pick ‘em sadly. So sorry for your loss x

grapewine · 23/02/2022 20:38

And actually, like a PP said, keep the wine too and share it with someone who cares about you.

Totalwasteofpaper · 23/02/2022 20:40

Brava!
Fair play OP Flowers

I think you have done the right thing there.

I cannot believe you didn't make it into the top 32 people to be invited to lunch Shock
At least you know where you stand re your sister.

JackieQueen · 23/02/2022 20:41

Such unkind behaviour. Enjoy the gift op. Flowers

JemimaTiggywinkle · 23/02/2022 20:42

You’ve handled it really well OP, not a nice way to be treated at all.

Feel sorry for your DN trying to arrange something nice and then have it complicated by her DM.

Even though it probably won’t change your mind about going, hopefully DN will speak to your DSis anyway and you might get some explanation or apology.

mcmooberry · 23/02/2022 20:42

Aw glad you haven't wasted your money on the gift and can enjoy it yourself. So insulting of your sister, thank goodness you found our before the event and didn't have the humiliation of being part of the "Surprise!" party. At this point with 32 at the lunch they may as well just have everyone imo.

Peasandcabbage · 23/02/2022 20:50

You have dealt with that extremely well op. You treat yourself and hold your head up. Thanks

EmmaGrundyForPM · 23/02/2022 20:50

It sounds as though your niece is trying to protect you from her mothers shitty behaviour.

I'm very sorry that you are being treated like this. If I were you I'd cut off your sister but keep in contact with your niece.

Unsure33 · 23/02/2022 20:51

I think you are very brave and your family should be ashamed of themselves. I agree I would not go either . I hope you have some good friends and if you have I would go out with them instead .

FunnyGoingsOn · 23/02/2022 20:51

It's a shitty situation and they have behaved very inconsiderately but I don't think it was necessarily done with malice. It seems like more of a 'not bothering' rather than a deliberate snub Iyswim. Your sister may have thought that you would never found out about it and that no harm would be done. Obviously it's still terrible behaviour.

I think I'd tell your sister that you are upset about it. She can apologise (hopefully) and you can move on. Considering what you've gone through recently I don't think it's in your interests to let this fester.

I'm sorry you have had to deal with this. It's horrible

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/02/2022 20:51

I’m so sorry. I’m disabled and it really hurts. So many people have cut me off. It sounds as if your dn is in a difficult position and cares a lot about you. Reading between the lines, I think perhaps your sister is a strong personality and your dn is not and doesn’t want to cross her.

Lime37 · 23/02/2022 20:56

Tbh your niece should of let your sister know about the party as it’s going to look bad to all the b list guests when 34 of them rock up after dinner

FirewomanSam · 23/02/2022 20:58

I feel really sorry for both you and your niece in this situation. What a hurtful thing for you and how difficult for your niece, who sounds like she is just trying to do a lovely thing and keep everyone happy, and has instead ended up feeling horrible and awkward and trying to mediate a situation that isn’t even if her own making.

Also, it’s a small detail but I don’t drink and I would be really unimpressed with someone asking me to bring wine to a party. I couldn’t care less what people drink around me but I don’t buy like to buy alcohol as gifts (just a personal preference) and would always bring chocolate or cheese or another suitable contribution instead. Asking you to bring something to share with everyone is fine but not a specific request for booze you don’t even drink!

Figgygal · 23/02/2022 20:59

Enjoy your gift to yourself op
Im really sorry youve been treated this way

lborgia · 23/02/2022 21:01

@EmmaGrundyForPM - my thoughts exactly. From what OP said, especially the "she won't want to upset her mum, so nothing will be said", I suspect niece has spent some of her life managing DS and her "ways".

I'm sorry, but so impressed by the way you've handled it. No trying to change things, no pressing to engage more, kept your dignity, and the present!

I hope you can spoil yourself a little, maybe get something really nice to eat, and rent a recent movie. Afterall, you've saved yourself at least £50! WineFlowers

Bunce1 · 23/02/2022 21:01

That’s horrid. But very very well done and being brave and calling them out on their SHIT.

BeaLola · 23/02/2022 21:02

You have behaved with dignity. I am sorry for the recent loss of your DH and hope you have good dear friends to support you going forward. You have a bunch of virtual friends here.

Not that you would want to go now but if she can invite 32 why not 33 ? I am glad you are not giving her the lovely generous gift as she so doesn't deserve your thoughtfulness and generosity.

I can't send real ones but these are for you DaffodilDaffodilDaffodilDaffodilDaffodilDaffodilDaffodilDaffodilDaffodilDaffodilDaffodil

UsernameInTheTown · 23/02/2022 21:04

Oh OP, you sound so lovely and deserve to be treated so much better than this. You have been so brave and honest tackling things head on. I'm so sorry for your loss and your wretched sister.
If you need distracting on the day, we are all here for you. Enjoy your gift, you truly deserve it Flowers.

Iloveacurry · 23/02/2022 21:05

This is awful. How ridiculous that lunch is now for 32, then the 18 second class family and friends get the after party. Not sure why they’re bothering. You’ve done the right thing by deciding not to go.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 23/02/2022 21:05

I hope you enjoy the gift you have given yourself. It sounds as though you deserve it more.

I’m sorry that you have been treated so badly.

Sit back and let her come to you to say sorry. I hope your wait isn’t too long. Flowers