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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just invited to “After” party

606 replies

Cantleave · 23/02/2022 10:21

My Dsis has a big birthday (60th) coming up next week. My DN messaged me to invite me to a ‘surprise’ party. She said the plan was for DN, her siblings and their DCs to take Dsis out to lunch and then to all go back to my Dsis and bil’s house where the rest of the guests would be for the ‘surprise’ part. I was asked to make something and bring wine for the party! I was happy to make something, but a bit miffed at being asked to take wine too (I don’t drink), as I had already bought my Dsis a lovely gift, which cost a lot more than I could really afford!

However, firstly I am disabled and no cars are allowed at Dsis’s house, which means I will have difficulty getting there and back. With the other costs, I can’t afford a taxi. Secondly I am really struggling with my mental health (I lost my dh a few months ago) and really struggle to be in large groups, especially with people I don’t really know very well. I have been trying to overcome the issues with my mental health, but I feel really unwell, even at the thought of going out alone!

I decided to ask my brother, if I could get a lift with whoever is taking them. My brother wasn’t in when I phoned, so I spoke to sil (who I don’t really get on with). She took great delight in saying that wouldn’t be possible, as they were going to the lunch! I just said to her okay, I would try someone else, to which she replied saying not to ask A,B,C and D as they were also going to the lunch!

I am so hurt that it isn’t just Dsis’s immediate family at the lunch as DN said, but a wider base of family and friends, just not me!😓 To be clear, ‘D’sis knows who is going to the lunch, but obviously not the party afterwards, so as far as she is concerned I am just not invited!

I really don’t want to go at all now, as apart from the issues I have described, I am really embarrassed that I don’t seem to matter to my ‘D’sis. I know if I go, I will be asked why I wasn’t at the lunch and if I don’t go, I will be accused of being petty!

I am not going to get in touch with DN (who is also my goddaughter) and tell her how hurt I am, but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

OP posts:
BigPurpleEgg · 23/02/2022 20:07

Good for you! Your sister sounds like a cow. I dont get on with my brother but I would never exclude him like that. Hope you enjoy your gift

Blahblahblah40 · 23/02/2022 20:08

@Cantleave

I have spoken to DN. we both ended up in tears. When she invited me to the Surprise Party, it was supposed to only be my Dsis and bil, her, her siblings and their children at the lunch, making a total of 14. Everyone else (including my brother and sil) were only going to the Surprise party. However my Dsis decided she wanted her best friends to go as well and asked that they be invited. As the group they socialise with include my brother and his wife, they were also on the list for the lunch.

The Birthday lunch now comprises of 32 people and there are now only 18 for the Surprise (well 17 now, as I am not going). My DN said that when the plans changed and I wasn’t on the Lunch list she was really upset and didn’t know what to do and was dreading my finding out! She tried to say that her dm probably didn’t ask me because of dh’s death and not thinking I would want to go out, but I shut her down on that.

She asked me to give her some time to speak to her DM about inviting me to the lunch, but I have told her not to, as I definitely wouldn’t go now anyway, knowing that my “D”sis didn’t want to invite me. I have also told her I won’t be at the Surprise party and it is up to her whether she says anything to her DM about my non-appearance. She doesn’t want to upset her DM so nothing will be said.

I will send my sister a card and a bottle of wine, but I’m keeping the gift I had got her as it is something I really loved (but couldn’t have justified buying for myself).

Oh @Cantleave I’m gutted for you. What an absolute mess of a situation. Do you have someone you could socialise with that day to take your mind off it all? I suspect DS will feel very guilty once she sees you aren’t at the surprise.
billy1966 · 23/02/2022 20:08

OP,

You are so vulnerable with grief that this is just so awful.

But you know what, compared with the loss of your husband it is nothing.

I am so pleased to hear you will keep the gift for yourself.

Your sister is thoughtless but let her off.

He daughter certainly sounds as if she has more decency and compassion.

Don't become overly focused on this.
Make arrangements to see someone you care for.
Also look at local groups to you that support and aid grieving.
I think you would find comfort there.

Post again if you feel like it.Flowers

Blahblahblah40 · 23/02/2022 20:09

Good on you though for confronting it head on!

goody2shooz · 23/02/2022 20:09

Awww, so sorry it ended this way for you, but glad you’re keeping that lovely gift for yourself. Oh hell yes!
Hope you can get out and do something nice with a friend on the day.

SeptemberAlexandra · 23/02/2022 20:10

You’ve done the right thing. You deserve to be treated so much better than you have Flowers

PinkiOcelot · 23/02/2022 20:10

That is absolutely shitty behaviour by all involved. How did your niece think you wouldn’t find out?! Just awful!

MrsLargeEmbodied · 23/02/2022 20:11

so it actually sounds like you dont socialise with your dsis

perhaps that will change your mind about popping along, in your own car, for the surprise, turn up late?

WobbleMolly · 23/02/2022 20:12

Maybe return the gift and get the money back. You'll look at the [thing] and not enjoy it, thinking of all this.

Howshouldibehave · 23/02/2022 20:12

Your sister sounds like a bitch! 32 for lunch as well-I hope she’s paying and it’s expensive. Enjoy keeping the present Flowers

SockFluffInTheBath · 23/02/2022 20:12

Well done for standing up for yourself OP. Your DSis sounds like a self-absorbed madam. Enjoy the present!

KaptainKaveman · 23/02/2022 20:13

Really sorry OP. You deserve better Flowers.

liliainterfrutices · 23/02/2022 20:13

I’m so glad you are keeping the gift and I’m so, so sorry about your sister. Xxx

Brefugee · 23/02/2022 20:14

sorry that it's not a happier outcome for your, OP, but it was brave of you to tackle it head on with your niece and find out the truth.

AgathaAllAlong · 23/02/2022 20:14

Well done for speaking up to your DN.

I honestly think your whole family is out of order. Once for a birthday meal of mine SIL mistakenly thought other SIL wasn't invited. (It was just DP being a wally and not having told them at the same time). She rang him straight away and said I can't come as don't want to exclude other SIL. Because that's what good family does. Hopefully there's some explanation like they thought it would be too much for you after losing DH. All poor form.

CurzonDax · 23/02/2022 20:14

Oh @Cantleave - I'm so so sorry that this ended up being the case. How douchy of your sister to invite her brother and not you. I get that brother and SiL were 'add ons' after she invited her friend, but then that was the point where you should have been added on too.

Well done for shutting down your DN's response to it being about your bereavement. What a horrid, horrid excuse to deliberately leave someone out (especially your own sister!).

honeyrider · 23/02/2022 20:16

Shitty thing your sister did, at least you now know the truth.

AgathaX · 23/02/2022 20:18

That was brave of you. Well done.
Crap of your sister. I don't blame you for not going at all now. You absolutely should keep and enjoy the present, your sister simply doesn't deserve it.

mrstrickland · 23/02/2022 20:19

Well done on speaking to your niece, it sounds like you have a close relationship with her. The rest of your family are vile treating you the way you have, and you are quite right to not go and to keep present for yourself. Hope you enjoy it !

AgathaAllAlong · 23/02/2022 20:19

I'm an idiot who can't refresh. Good on you OP you deserve the gift, sod them. Flowers

Strictly1 · 23/02/2022 20:20

Good for you and good decision on keeping the gift! Remember - it's them not you.

FlowerArranger · 23/02/2022 20:21

What a sad outcome but at least you now have clarity, @CantleaveFlowersFlowersFlowers

Glad to hear that you are keeping the thing you really loved but couldn’t have justified buying for yourself!!

RincewindsHat · 23/02/2022 20:23

I'm sorry your sister is so insensitive, and also sorry your SIL responded to you the way she did. Appalling behaviour from both of them. I would not even be sending wine. A card would be it. And maybe not that. You deserve to be treated better.

HotWaterAndLemon · 23/02/2022 20:27

Oh wow, so your niece knew the other sibling was invited to the lunch but just hoped you wouldn’t find out? Or worse, hoped you’d go to the party and find out after so you couldn’t do anything about it.

Awful.

harriethoyle · 23/02/2022 20:27

@Cantleave I think you have behaved with huge dignity and I'm really pleased that you're keeping the fab present for you. You deserve it much more than your sister.

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