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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just invited to “After” party

606 replies

Cantleave · 23/02/2022 10:21

My Dsis has a big birthday (60th) coming up next week. My DN messaged me to invite me to a ‘surprise’ party. She said the plan was for DN, her siblings and their DCs to take Dsis out to lunch and then to all go back to my Dsis and bil’s house where the rest of the guests would be for the ‘surprise’ part. I was asked to make something and bring wine for the party! I was happy to make something, but a bit miffed at being asked to take wine too (I don’t drink), as I had already bought my Dsis a lovely gift, which cost a lot more than I could really afford!

However, firstly I am disabled and no cars are allowed at Dsis’s house, which means I will have difficulty getting there and back. With the other costs, I can’t afford a taxi. Secondly I am really struggling with my mental health (I lost my dh a few months ago) and really struggle to be in large groups, especially with people I don’t really know very well. I have been trying to overcome the issues with my mental health, but I feel really unwell, even at the thought of going out alone!

I decided to ask my brother, if I could get a lift with whoever is taking them. My brother wasn’t in when I phoned, so I spoke to sil (who I don’t really get on with). She took great delight in saying that wouldn’t be possible, as they were going to the lunch! I just said to her okay, I would try someone else, to which she replied saying not to ask A,B,C and D as they were also going to the lunch!

I am so hurt that it isn’t just Dsis’s immediate family at the lunch as DN said, but a wider base of family and friends, just not me!😓 To be clear, ‘D’sis knows who is going to the lunch, but obviously not the party afterwards, so as far as she is concerned I am just not invited!

I really don’t want to go at all now, as apart from the issues I have described, I am really embarrassed that I don’t seem to matter to my ‘D’sis. I know if I go, I will be asked why I wasn’t at the lunch and if I don’t go, I will be accused of being petty!

I am not going to get in touch with DN (who is also my goddaughter) and tell her how hurt I am, but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 23/02/2022 18:13

Call your niece and say "please can you clarify what's happening regarding your mum's birthday as I may have misunderstood and I'm a little confused".

In other words, put her on the spot and just ask her to clarify and explain.

birdladyfromhomealone · 23/02/2022 18:15

You sister I law is a bitch

HTH1 · 23/02/2022 18:19

It could be a money thing, if Dsis isn’t paying for everyone (I’m guessing the lunch could be unaffordable to attend, as it may cost a lot more than the taxis).

Either way, it sounds like you have hugely overstretched yourself on the gift and Dsis has snubbed you in return so I would definitely swap it for something a lot cheaper if I were you, Maybe if you tell us what you bought, people could help you to come up with an alternative which would also work here.

Also, YANBU re the after party but I would ask DN straight out whether I was invited to the lunch part (and if she says no, I wouldn’t attend the after party either).

BluebellsGreenbells · 23/02/2022 18:22

So effectively it would be cheaper for you to go to the meal as you could drive and have a chat with your family and have a decent meal - than go to the surprise bit.

No wonder you feel short changed!

cherish123 · 23/02/2022 18:32

I would not want to go either.

Missing the point - but why are there no cars allowed at sister's?

peboh · 23/02/2022 18:34

At the first paragraph I definitely though yabu, due to it sounding like just her immediate family we're invited. However after finding out your brother is also invited, no yanbu.
I'd just message dn and explain that due to the circumstances you won't be able to make it.

CharlotteRose90 · 23/02/2022 18:39

Speak to your sister. As it’s a big birthday could her not inviting you be a selfish way of keeping the attention on her. Obviously your family would know what’s happened in your life recently so maybe she’s worried you’d take the attention away from her or bring the atmosphere down. That was my first thought anyway because surely if she didn’t invite you to the lunch she wouldn’t want you at the party I dunno.

saddowizca · 23/02/2022 18:40

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

Only a few answers in and Littleowl has nailed it.

"sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch"

Howshouldibehave · 23/02/2022 18:45

Pretty certain that my sister would have chosen who to invite to the lunch, as I am almost certain that my DN (also my goddaughter and she was my flower girl) wouldn’t have missed me out

But you think your sister would have?

Why? That seems odd you assume it’s her.

Are you not close? Is she closer to DB?

I would 100% send LittleOwl’s text rather than ring.

NeverChange · 23/02/2022 18:48

Why are most people going to the nuclear option?

This is secondhand information. SIL could be a shitstirrer, there might be a misunderstanding etc. I think Little Owls message would be good if you were certain of the facts but you aren't and it's passive agressive and will come across very badly if you are mistaken.

Just call, not text,your niece and say you probably can't come as you were looking for a life but SIL told you not to bother asking others as they are all going for lunch.

Don't ring your sister as you may ruin a surprise without having the full short.

@bbtatoes, your comment is unbelievable. If the story here is correct, there behaviour cannot be justified, for any reason, especially the r4ason you suggested.

Blossomtoes · 23/02/2022 18:50

Why are most people going to the nuclear option?

MN, innit? They always do. I dread to think what the world would be like if it was populated with them.

DryOldCaper · 23/02/2022 18:54

Agree with @NeverChange.

This thread is shining quite a light on why some people seem to struggle with relationships and friendships.

I know a lot of people on here are terrified of phones and phone conversations, but sometimes actually speaking to people really is the best way to get to the truth of the matter, clear up any misunderstandings, and smooth the waters.

And if there is no misunderstanding - once again - it’s a simple enough matter to decline the after party on the basis that the OP’s sister won’t miss her, anyway.

Beautiful3 · 23/02/2022 18:57

I agree with little owl. Just message explaining that you cannot attend due to being unable to get a lift. Just leave it as that.

sadpapercourtesan · 23/02/2022 19:09

I also think LittleOwl's response is perfect. Dignified and to the point.

If it is indeed your sister who has decided to exclude you, that's bloody awful.

Mirw · 23/02/2022 19:09

Get in touch with your sister and ask why you are not invited to the lunch. She is your sister!

JayAlfredPrufrock · 23/02/2022 19:17

I’d phone your sister and invite her out for lunch on her birthday.

GreenClock · 23/02/2022 19:27

I’d see what your niece has to say for herself. It may be a big misunderstanding.

Kerrie21 · 23/02/2022 19:31

I think phone your DN as you may feel better afterwards.

VaizyCrazyDaizy · 23/02/2022 19:36

As said previously, fuck the lot of them and suit yourself - stop stressing about running after thoughtless people and stop contacting them - just do something you want - stay home spoil yourself watch a film you want to see and make a nice dinner.

BeaLola · 23/02/2022 19:43

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

This

Don't make an excuse about being unwell - t hi s is polite and factual

AprilShowers82 · 23/02/2022 19:52

I agree with @LittleOwl153
I’d be really upset if I were you,OP. Hugs.

Workinghardeveryday · 23/02/2022 19:55

So sorry to hear about your Dh xxx

They are being arseholes!! Text and explain you would have loved to have gone but unfortunately (stating all the facts) you are unable to.

Selfish people they are.

maddening · 23/02/2022 20:00

Definitely do not leave it, they are not afraid to hurt your feelings, fick them.

Personally I would speak to dsis.

Original poster
Cantleave · 23/02/2022 20:01

I have spoken to DN. we both ended up in tears. When she invited me to the Surprise Party, it was supposed to only be my Dsis and bil, her, her siblings and their children at the lunch, making a total of 14. Everyone else (including my brother and sil) were only going to the Surprise party. However my Dsis decided she wanted her best friends to go as well and asked that they be invited. As the group they socialise with include my brother and his wife, they were also on the list for the lunch.

The Birthday lunch now comprises of 32 people and there are now only 18 for the Surprise (well 17 now, as I am not going). My DN said that when the plans changed and I wasn’t on the Lunch list she was really upset and didn’t know what to do and was dreading my finding out! She tried to say that her dm probably didn’t ask me because of dh’s death and not thinking I would want to go out, but I shut her down on that.

She asked me to give her some time to speak to her DM about inviting me to the lunch, but I have told her not to, as I definitely wouldn’t go now anyway, knowing that my “D”sis didn’t want to invite me. I have also told her I won’t be at the Surprise party and it is up to her whether she says anything to her DM about my non-appearance. She doesn’t want to upset her DM so nothing will be said.

I will send my sister a card and a bottle of wine, but I’m keeping the gift I had got her as it is something I really loved (but couldn’t have justified buying for myself).

OP posts:
NigellaAwesome · 23/02/2022 20:06

@Cantleave 💐💐

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