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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just invited to “After” party

606 replies

Cantleave · 23/02/2022 10:21

My Dsis has a big birthday (60th) coming up next week. My DN messaged me to invite me to a ‘surprise’ party. She said the plan was for DN, her siblings and their DCs to take Dsis out to lunch and then to all go back to my Dsis and bil’s house where the rest of the guests would be for the ‘surprise’ part. I was asked to make something and bring wine for the party! I was happy to make something, but a bit miffed at being asked to take wine too (I don’t drink), as I had already bought my Dsis a lovely gift, which cost a lot more than I could really afford!

However, firstly I am disabled and no cars are allowed at Dsis’s house, which means I will have difficulty getting there and back. With the other costs, I can’t afford a taxi. Secondly I am really struggling with my mental health (I lost my dh a few months ago) and really struggle to be in large groups, especially with people I don’t really know very well. I have been trying to overcome the issues with my mental health, but I feel really unwell, even at the thought of going out alone!

I decided to ask my brother, if I could get a lift with whoever is taking them. My brother wasn’t in when I phoned, so I spoke to sil (who I don’t really get on with). She took great delight in saying that wouldn’t be possible, as they were going to the lunch! I just said to her okay, I would try someone else, to which she replied saying not to ask A,B,C and D as they were also going to the lunch!

I am so hurt that it isn’t just Dsis’s immediate family at the lunch as DN said, but a wider base of family and friends, just not me!😓 To be clear, ‘D’sis knows who is going to the lunch, but obviously not the party afterwards, so as far as she is concerned I am just not invited!

I really don’t want to go at all now, as apart from the issues I have described, I am really embarrassed that I don’t seem to matter to my ‘D’sis. I know if I go, I will be asked why I wasn’t at the lunch and if I don’t go, I will be accused of being petty!

I am not going to get in touch with DN (who is also my goddaughter) and tell her how hurt I am, but would I be unreasonable to just say at the last minute that I’m not feeling well so can’t go?

OP posts:
LikeABreathRipplingBy · 23/02/2022 16:03

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

Great reply - brief, with the advantage of being honest.

YouokHun · 23/02/2022 16:07

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

I agree with others, this is a good message. It’s clear and it gets across that you know about the lunch. No need to say anything further. Then concentrate on yourself.

I’m afraid that the cliche “you find out who your friends are” is true. My dad died a few months ago and I’ve been quite shocked at the lack of thought and sometimes callousness of people. Apart from largely ignoring a death during Lockdown (a whole other story) I’ve really noticed how friends of my mum’s just haven’t bothered; not even acknowledgement. It’s like she’s been snipped out of the picture because she’s sad and doesn’t fit. And I really can see how hard it is to socialise so I wish people would use their imagination and consider how tough it might be and facilitate the newly bereaved. But it is one of the tough lessons; the thoughtlessness of some people.

However, some people are wonderful and there are many supportive groups full of people who have been there and are somewhere on the same journey. I really hope you are finding those people @Cantleave and that you’re able to access support for both your grief and your MH difficulties Flowers

affairsofdragons · 23/02/2022 16:11

I would flat out ruin the surprise, tbh, if everyone was invited to the lunch except you ... oh and can you spend £££ on inconvenient transport as well and stump up for alcohol for everyone else, knowing you don't drink, on top of your very generous gift.

Niece could fuck right off, frankly.

I'd call your sister.

user1471538283 · 23/02/2022 16:20

This is awful. I would call your sister and tell her. Take the gift back.

themonkeysnuts · 23/02/2022 16:22

as ^^PP you are not invited to the lunch /cant get a lift
therefore gift gets returned and you have a lovely time doing something without them

Keepyourheadscrewedon · 23/02/2022 16:25

Do not ruin the surprise whatever you do op!

You will then become the bad guy, and the whole family will blame you for being so spiteful and unkind and ruining your sister's 60th birthday. Do not give them that satisfaction.
Please make sure you keep your dignity and rise above their behaviour, you do not deserve any of this, and I am so sorry you sound like you have been through so much already.

SugarAndCoffee · 23/02/2022 16:31

I agree don't ruin the surprise.

BringMeTea · 23/02/2022 16:36

Wow that is brutal. Unless there is a MAJOR backstory where you and your sister don't get on then this is unforgivable. So sorry OP. Flowers

Enough4me · 23/02/2022 16:37

Another vote to go with LittleOwls suggestion.

Blahblahblah40 · 23/02/2022 16:39

@Cantleave

To answer a few comments, they don’t want cars at the house as it would ruin the surprise element. My sister has a house out in the country, so nowhere to park nearby. If I had to, I could afford a taxi, but it would cost over £30 for both journeys, which is a lot of money to me. That would mean that, with cost of gift, making something and buying wine, total cost would be about £140 - £150 all in.

I think I will phone my DN later, when she is home.

I really feel for you OP. Exclusion is the most horrible feeling, especially with people you think you are very close to. What I can’t understand is why DN would say immediate family only for the lunch part knowing you’d likely speak to other family members about it all? It makes no sense?! If it were me I’d need to know why I’d been excluded. Don’t need to make a big song and dance, maybe just say you’d spoken to DB’s wife and are a bit confused as she said they’re going to the lunch so wanted to double check if you’re only invited to the party. If she says yes party only then that’s when you tell her you can’t make it due to costs to get there as you’d hoped to get a lift from DB. I agree you should do it by phone though, texts etc can come over antagonistic. Last thing you want is to ruin your relationship with DN if it’s not been her decision who to invite.
Valeriekat · 23/02/2022 16:53

"You know what WOULD be petty? Saying to the sister, "I know you don't want me at the lunch, but I just wanted to let you know I won't be at the surprise party back at your house, either." grin

No that wouldn't be petty and it would serve her sister right.

Dottychickens · 23/02/2022 16:56

I would ask the DN in case it’s a misunderstanding.

It could be that originally it was just her siblings going to lunch then others have invited themselves and it’s become a bigger thing and she’s forgot to mention it to you.

If you get on with them, then it doesn’t make sense why they would purposely exclude you.

I would go with the pp reply, of saying everyone you’ve asked for a lift is going to lunch so you can’t make the party.

DryOldCaper · 23/02/2022 17:03

@bbtatoes

Could it be that they've chosen a special restaurant that DSis would love to go to, but the restaurant isn't accessible for you?
I can’t believe someone would write this and genuinely think it seemed like a good explanation.

OP - this seems so far-fetched that there surely has to be some sort of misunderstanding. Surely.

Please call your niece, who it sounds like you have a good relationship with, and just ask her.

If you have been deliberately left out of the family event, then you can simply decline the after party which is too difficult for you to get to, on the basis that your sister won’t miss you anyway.

And they can fork out for their own bloody wine. Seriously - it’s the asking you to bring wine which tips it so far over into CF territory, that makes me think surely it’s a misunderstanding….

LostMyLastHatfulOfWords · 23/02/2022 17:13

It isn't petty to be very hurt by this. Flowers

If your omission from the original birthday party isn't a mistake or isn't down to your sister thinking that you would be unhappy about attending... then they are being mean!

Return the present and buy something lovely for yourself.
Meet friends and do something fun on the day itself.
Don't look back.

Alwayssupportingdifference · 23/02/2022 17:20

I am so sorry, this is beyond upsetting, especially after your recent loss. I hope it is nothing sinister but how horrible for you to have been left out by this. I hope it's just an error.

salcombebabe · 23/02/2022 17:22

@Lookingforatimeslip

I’m really sad for you OP. I would suggest texting your DN saying you’re struggling to get a lift to the party as everyone else is attending the lunch. Do you want to go to the party? I can see why you’d be really hurt.
I’d do the above! And I’d want to know their reasonings for not including you in the lunch. Then I’d make my own decision about whether to go to the party/continue with them as a family xxx
CharlesChickens · 23/02/2022 17:30

@LittleOwl153

I'd text niece and say "sorry I can't come to the after party. I can't get there and everyone I've asked for a lift is apparently attending the lunch".

And leave it at that and not go. How dare they leave you out like that. If your sister knows you're not invited to the lunch then I wouldn't bother going at all. And take a big step back from them as a family.

Yes I would do this. Really unkind way to treat you.
Chatwin · 23/02/2022 17:38

Agree with others, you have been treated appallingly by your family whilst you are grieving the loss of your DH.

I would send the message suggested and take a massive step back.

Lougle · 23/02/2022 17:40

If you are usually close, yanbu in the slightest.

DryOldCaper · 23/02/2022 17:46

Surely - if they are usually close - then there has been a misunderstanding.

Which is why a phone call to the niece is a good idea.

Then, if there hasn’t been a misunderstanding, the OP can decline, as her sister won’t miss her anyway.

liliainterfrutices · 23/02/2022 17:46

That is so hurtful - I am so sorry. I'd get a refund on the present and go out to lunch with a close friend.
You should be being looked after and cared for by your family in view of your recent bereavement. This is horrible behaviour. I hope those responsible see this thread.

honeyrider · 23/02/2022 17:51

What a shitty way to treat a family member going through a terrible time. Your sister has got to know who's invited to the lunch, surely she'd have suggested who she wanted at the lunch. Probably a case of not wanting someone who's grieving at a happy occasion.

As for the surprise surely most people would be very suspicious of a surprise being organised for their key birthdays and events unless they'd organised the party after the lunch themselves. I don't believe most people are surprised at a surprise occasion anymore as they're so commonplace.

It's your sister and not your niece I'd be contacting about the lunch.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 23/02/2022 17:58

Speak to DN

WonderfulYou · 23/02/2022 18:01

You know what WOULD be petty? Saying to the sister, "I know you don't want me at the lunch, but I just wanted to let you know I won't be at the surprise party back at your house, either." grin

No that wouldn't be petty and it would serve her sister right.

It’s a surprise for the sister! She has no idea it’s happening! So yes it would be very petty and very unkind.

Whatever has happened it’s not the sisters fault when she doesn’t even know it’s happening.

I’m sure it’s a case of misunderstanding and OP refusing to go or acting like a spoilt child isn’t going to help the situation.
The best thing would be to just ask why she wasn’t invited first.

Arabellla · 23/02/2022 18:03

Let us know what your DN says, OP.

I hope it’s just an oversight and that you are invited to the lunch.

If you’re not, I wouldn’t be going to the party, and I wouldn’t be sending a present.

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