Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Okay to stay out when married?

554 replies

LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 19:22

So there's a situation with DH which I'm not sure whether he's unreasonable or not or whether it sounds a bit controlling/ what other people are comfortable with.

Basically he isn't really a go outer, he's much more introverted than me. I go out a lot more than he does with friends out into town or local for drinks things like that.

Some of my friends live a decent 20-30 min taxi ride away and so sometimes if it gets quite late (or early in the morning!) I'll think I'll just stay at my friends on their sofa or something. However whenever I suggest this to DH he is never happy about it and thinks I should come home regardless of the time. He really doesn't like the idea of me staying out. Whilst he'd never tell me I couldn't do it, I know he'd be in a bit of a huff the next day if I do.

Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair so I can understand why it makes him a bit nervous. But I'm not her and I feel like he should trust me now. We've been married for 3 years together for 6.

Should I just do what I want in this respect or should I make sure I'm home every time I go out?

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 22/02/2022 22:18

Similar situation last week on MN, but it was the DH sofa surfing every couple of weeks, and the overwhelming opinion was that he was unreasonable and a manchild.....

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/02/2022 22:19

@LoisLane66

People on here are assuming that the OP is worth the attention they think she might be attracting. We have no idea how much (or how little) of a man magnet she is. Having fun with friends is one thing but IMV it's low taste to see and hear a group of half cut women shrieking and being loud and even, dare I say, eyeing up the odd attractive male even from a distance and betting who'll go up to get the next round and stand next to him. Don't tell me no-one does this. They do, married or not. Out of sight and all that. Harmless fun. 🙄
@LoisLane66 What an unbearable snob you sound
AhNowTed · 22/02/2022 22:19

@LoisLane66

People on here are assuming that the OP is worth the attention they think she might be attracting. We have no idea how much (or how little) of a man magnet she is. Having fun with friends is one thing but IMV it's low taste to see and hear a group of half cut women shrieking and being loud and even, dare I say, eyeing up the odd attractive male even from a distance and betting who'll go up to get the next round and stand next to him. Don't tell me no-one does this. They do, married or not. Out of sight and all that. Harmless fun. 🙄

You can't be serious.

We're all 50s and 60s. Believe me NONE of us expect to get eyed up.

We're out enjoying ourselves and each other. Couldn't give a toss if there's no men in sight.

What the fuck is this misogynistic nonsense.

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 22:20

@LoisLane66

People on here are assuming that the OP is worth the attention they think she might be attracting. We have no idea how much (or how little) of a man magnet she is. Having fun with friends is one thing but IMV it's low taste to see and hear a group of half cut women shrieking and being loud and even, dare I say, eyeing up the odd attractive male even from a distance and betting who'll go up to get the next round and stand next to him. Don't tell me no-one does this. They do, married or not. Out of sight and all that. Harmless fun. 🙄
What? I do not shriek and eye up males or make bets about who'll stand with him. Wtf are you talking about?

Women can go out without it being about men. Do you understand that?

OP posts:
YouCantTourniquetTheTaint · 22/02/2022 22:20

@LoisLane66

People on here are assuming that the OP is worth the attention they think she might be attracting. We have no idea how much (or how little) of a man magnet she is. Having fun with friends is one thing but IMV it's low taste to see and hear a group of half cut women shrieking and being loud and even, dare I say, eyeing up the odd attractive male even from a distance and betting who'll go up to get the next round and stand next to him. Don't tell me no-one does this. They do, married or not. Out of sight and all that. Harmless fun. 🙄
Wtf? Where does it say they're doing that?
LuckySantangelo35 · 22/02/2022 22:20

@AhNowTed couldn’t agree more! The internalised misogyny on this thread is unbelievable

ChaoticWoman · 22/02/2022 22:21

@CravelTube

10 year age difference.Could be part of the problem too. You still need to get dressed up out on the town and go out getting admired by other guys trying to chat you up. Why do you need this?
Where did she say she goes out so men can hit on her?

Do you apply the same logic to the men in your life too and think the only reason they go out without their partners and wives is because they need to chat up women/men they fancy?

mummykel16 · 22/02/2022 22:22

@WonderfulYou

I can see why it makes DH grumpy. It’s just a teenage / early twenties thing to do, most people have grown out of it by your age.

Attitudes like this makes me so sad.
I can only imagine it’s because they’re in controlling relationships.

Imagine getting to your mid-late twenties and thinking you can’t go out and fun anymore!

I wonder why they have club events on for over 25s? 🤔

The reasons women don’t do this more often is because they’re introverts, are too tired or they’re in controlling relationships - it’s got nothing to do with getting too old.

Priorities and tastes change, for some anyway.
CookieMunch · 22/02/2022 22:22

I would just go home. Unless it’s an hour away in which case I’d pre-plan it with him in advance

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 22:23

Knew I'd seen your username somewhere Lois. You're that misogynistic poster who got torn apart on the thread the other day. Your views on women were as shitty on that thread as they are here.

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 22/02/2022 22:23

@mummykel16 what are your priories and tastes then?

LoisLane66 · 22/02/2022 22:25

@Gurnther
They are the same as in she is doing what she wants even though he's uncomfortable with it and he's sulking which she's not happy about.
He can't help the way he feels. He's not shouting at her or beating her up or having an argument. He's dealing with it in a non-confrontational way...from what we're told. She doesn't have to like his sulks any more than he has to like her sleeping away.
I wonder what the reaction would have been on here if the positions were reversed. Would the man get any support?

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 22:26

What is it I'm not prioritising properly? Bearing in mind my husband likes me going out so he can do what he wants to do during that time. He's not sat at home pining for an evening together. He only wants me to come home (he doesn't care what time) because he doesn't trust me.

OP posts:
userxx · 22/02/2022 22:26

@LoisLane66

People on here are assuming that the OP is worth the attention they think she might be attracting. We have no idea how much (or how little) of a man magnet she is. Having fun with friends is one thing but IMV it's low taste to see and hear a group of half cut women shrieking and being loud and even, dare I say, eyeing up the odd attractive male even from a distance and betting who'll go up to get the next round and stand next to him. Don't tell me no-one does this. They do, married or not. Out of sight and all that. Harmless fun. 🙄

You been at the crack pipe ?

Scout2016 · 22/02/2022 22:27

@LoisLane66

People on here are assuming that the OP is worth the attention they think she might be attracting. We have no idea how much (or how little) of a man magnet she is. Having fun with friends is one thing but IMV it's low taste to see and hear a group of half cut women shrieking and being loud and even, dare I say, eyeing up the odd attractive male even from a distance and betting who'll go up to get the next round and stand next to him. Don't tell me no-one does this. They do, married or not. Out of sight and all that. Harmless fun. 🙄
Women, best be seen and not heard! Don't invite being seen and, if you are seen, FFS don't let it spoil your modesty.

Or...let your whole night revolve around swooning over a bloke.

Not sure which is being recommended here but nether sound great.

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 22:27

You been at the crack pipe ?

No she thinks I should be at home cooking for him in a little pinny and asking how his day was dear.

OP posts:
SprigofSage · 22/02/2022 22:28

@luckysantangelo35

No real reason other than I just like to know he's home safe and sound, and it means we're together in the morning to chat and start the day :)

I would never say no, and he does always endeavour to come home so never been an issue.

ChaoticWoman · 22/02/2022 22:29

I would come home but that's because I know alcohol will give me the shits the following morning so I'd prefer to be at home with my own toilet. Dh would pick my up no matter the time but wouldn't be bothered if I said I was staying at a friends. I just wouldn't after alcohol. A night in at friends with film and food, absolutely would and I do it with my sister and mother a few times a year, doing it this weekend actually.

ChargingBuck · 22/02/2022 22:29

Are you young? Unless quite young, this feels like behaviour more suited to uni age or early 20s.

I'm in my 60's & often stay over with friends, or have them stay at mine.
Why do you think this is a preserve of the young, @purplehairlady?

Scout2016 · 22/02/2022 22:30

OP, your husband's baggage over his ex is his problem not yours. You have been together years and he needs to get over it, it's unhealthy. Especially when it's impacting on other people (ie you.)

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 22:31

Dh would pick my up no matter the time but wouldn't be bothered if I said I was staying at a friends.

I wouldn't mind at all if he came and picked me up if he preferred. But he wants to go to bed by 11:30/12 which is fine but that then means I've got to get a taxi by myself. So on those occasions when a friend says "I've got a spare bed" or whatever it's easier / more comfortable for me to do that.

If he wants to wait until I'm ready to come home and come and get me because he doesn't trust me that much then he can.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 22/02/2022 22:32

Jesus Christ where's me slippers and nice cardi.

"Low taste".. I've heard it all now.

ChargingBuck · 22/02/2022 22:34

I wouldn't get married and have kids till I had grown out of that sort of thing and I would want my OH to have grown out of it too.

Gordon Bennett, staying with a friend isn't a behaviour to "grow out of" - it's fun, companionable, life-enhancing. Having kids needn't prevent it, so long as each partner gets equal chances to stay out.

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 22:34

Lois do you think women can't have a drink without shrieking and fawning over men? Genuinely curious.

OP posts:
Simonjt · 22/02/2022 22:35

Remember anything remotely fun over the age of 25 is banned on MN, if you dare have any fun posters will ask if you’re a child.

I personally wouldn’t have married someone who thought being married meant they could give their spouse a curfew, just as I wouldn’t have married someone boring.