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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Okay to stay out when married?

554 replies

LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 19:22

So there's a situation with DH which I'm not sure whether he's unreasonable or not or whether it sounds a bit controlling/ what other people are comfortable with.

Basically he isn't really a go outer, he's much more introverted than me. I go out a lot more than he does with friends out into town or local for drinks things like that.

Some of my friends live a decent 20-30 min taxi ride away and so sometimes if it gets quite late (or early in the morning!) I'll think I'll just stay at my friends on their sofa or something. However whenever I suggest this to DH he is never happy about it and thinks I should come home regardless of the time. He really doesn't like the idea of me staying out. Whilst he'd never tell me I couldn't do it, I know he'd be in a bit of a huff the next day if I do.

Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair so I can understand why it makes him a bit nervous. But I'm not her and I feel like he should trust me now. We've been married for 3 years together for 6.

Should I just do what I want in this respect or should I make sure I'm home every time I go out?

OP posts:
Dramaticpenguin · 22/02/2022 21:58

You have children and you would rather stay out at friends when you get a night off, I can see why he might be upset if it's regular! But if he doesn't want to go out and you do, it's not unreasonable for you to go without him. But I'd come home.

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/02/2022 21:59

@Fedupbuyer

Why settle down and have kids if you just want to stay out partying,if you was a man people would be saying LTB or he’s having an affair!
@Fedupbuyer does ‘settling down’ with a partner, kids etc mean you can never see your pals, have a night out, get a bit tipsy, stay over with friends, etc? Is that the case for you? If so, what would happen to you if say you got divorced? Would you not be very lonely and isolated because you have martyred yourself to fit this outdated mould of what a married woman should be like. I’m ‘settled down’ but I still do all of those things. I wouldn’t be happy otherwise. I signed a register when I got my married I didn’t sign my life away.
Gurnther · 22/02/2022 21:59

I can't imagine a married woman thinking it's fine to sofa surf after a night out on the tiles.

Why can't you though? What's so terrible about it? No one's actually given a reason I can see just that it's apparently childish... To sleep at someone's house? Confused

PurpleDaisies · 22/02/2022 21:59

I can't imagine a married woman thinking it's fine to sofa surf after a night out on the tiles.

Confused It’s sleeping on a sofa belonging to one of her friends. She’s not exactly going home with randoms.
Crumbleburntbits · 22/02/2022 22:00

Your DH isn’t trying to stop you going out and having fun with your friends. I don’t think he’s being at all unreasonable to prefer you to go home, especially given his past history. I’m sure you can reach a compromise if you talk to him about it.

Gurnther · 22/02/2022 22:00

Some of you need to get laid honestly.

redbigbananafeet · 22/02/2022 22:03

@Gurnther

Some of you need to get laid honestly.
Much more likely to get laid in bed with my partner than on my mates sofa.
LuckySantangelo35 · 22/02/2022 22:04

@Totalwasteofpaper

I think its fine to do infrequently.

Me and DH did this maybe 3-6 times a year pre kids.

In all honesty my DH wouldn't want me travelling on my own at 2 or 3 in the morning on public transport or taking taxis across London.

He'd prefer me to be comfortable and safe.

@Totalwasteofpaper Comfortable can get really boring? And as for not ‘safe’…you’d be travelling on a tube or a train likely very busy not swimming in shark infested waters. He’d like you to be comfortable and safe…more like he’d like you home and where he can see you and not getting loads of attention from men as other PPs assume are women’s intentions on a night out. Perhaps you both need to live a little.
LoisLane66 · 22/02/2022 22:05

Well you can't have your cake and eat it. You get your way by going out and he shows his feelings by sulking. Each doing what you want. That's seems fair. You can't order him to feel a particular way any more than he can stop you going out.

Scout2016 · 22/02/2022 22:06

Last year I saw a music event I wanted to go to in another city. Bought a ticket, booked a hotel and went all on my own and over night. Shock horror.
Happy to report no discernible harm done to DH or child.
Likewise if I go away without them for a night or 2. Or 3.

Out of interest, if OP were just visiting a friend some distance away without the going out and drinking part, would she still be getting this flack? Or if she were away for work? Or is there a marital bed tether like there used to be a Victorian urinary leash?

mummykel16 · 22/02/2022 22:06

@LoisLane66

Well you can't have your cake and eat it. You get your way by going out and he shows his feelings by sulking. Each doing what you want. That's seems fair. You can't order him to feel a particular way any more than he can stop you going out.
That
LuckySantangelo35 · 22/02/2022 22:07

@MyDcAreMarvel

You need to grow up op.
@MyDcAreMarvel And you need to get a life
ZenNudist · 22/02/2022 22:07

I'd be pissed off if dh was out twice a month every month with his mates. I Have been out a few times lately and that seems more than enough. It gets expensive. I'm not bothered if every few months (maybe twice a year) we go away separately with friends for a weekend away.

I think if you are only staying overnight every other month or less then it's fine.

SprigofSage · 22/02/2022 22:08

Seems like you're already living your solution tbh, you occasionally stay out and DH doesn't stop you but sulks a bit because he can't help not liking it. I think that's the closest you can get on something you simply don't agree on.

I wouldn't like my DH staying out either so I'm a bit sympathetic to him, but if it's really a rare occurrence then I think let him have his huff and you have your night away.

WonderfulYou · 22/02/2022 22:10

I can see why it makes DH grumpy. It’s just a teenage / early twenties thing to do, most people have grown out of it by your age.

Attitudes like this makes me so sad.
I can only imagine it’s because they’re in controlling relationships.

Imagine getting to your mid-late twenties and thinking you can’t go out and fun anymore!

I wonder why they have club events on for over 25s? 🤔

The reasons women don’t do this more often is because they’re introverts, are too tired or they’re in controlling relationships - it’s got nothing to do with getting too old.

Gurnther · 22/02/2022 22:10

Out of interest, if OP were just visiting a friend some distance away without the going out and drinking part, would she still be getting this flack?

Obviously not. Because good little mothers and wives don't drink. They've all moved onto better things apparently. They may have one glass of white at a dinner party with their in laws of course.

Well you can't have your cake and eat it. You get your way by going out and he shows his feelings by sulking. Each doing what you want. That's seems fair. You can't order him to feel a particular way any more than he can stop you going out

Well no because one is doing something completely reasonable, just staying at a friend's house and the other is putting undealt with trust issues onto their partner and sulking when they do something completely unremarkable and normal.

They are not the same thing.

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/02/2022 22:11

@SprigofSage

Seems like you're already living your solution tbh, you occasionally stay out and DH doesn't stop you but sulks a bit because he can't help not liking it. I think that's the closest you can get on something you simply don't agree on.

I wouldn't like my DH staying out either so I'm a bit sympathetic to him, but if it's really a rare occurrence then I think let him have his huff and you have your night away.

@SprigofSage just out of interest why wouldn’t you like your like your DH staying out over at friends in the way that OP describes?
Jelly4444 · 22/02/2022 22:14

Oh OP! I do feel for you. Its horrible to be put in a position where you are being compared to your partners cheating ex. I also understand his fears however - try putting yourself in his position. I know I would be absolutely paranoid in his position too.

I think the best approach is that your nights out are well planned and DP is well prepared if you are staying out.

Gurnther · 22/02/2022 22:14

Much more likely to get laid in bed with my partner than on my mates sofa.

True. Might unwind some poster's a bit though.

Scout2016 · 22/02/2022 22:14

I can't believe these responses. Being a mum is of no relevance if the kids are elsewhere, and even if they weren't so what?
It's also just occurred me that as well as enjoying time out on my own I also bloody love having the house to myself, including the bed, and I don't like being disturbed by a drunk OH getting in in the middle of the night. I can't be the only one surely?

LoisLane66 · 22/02/2022 22:15

People on here are assuming that the OP is worth the attention they think she might be attracting. We have no idea how much (or how little) of a man magnet she is. Having fun with friends is one thing but IMV it's low taste to see and hear a group of half cut women shrieking and being loud and even, dare I say, eyeing up the odd attractive male even from a distance and betting who'll go up to get the next round and stand next to him.
Don't tell me no-one does this. They do, married or not. Out of sight and all that. Harmless fun. 🙄

Gurnther · 22/02/2022 22:15

@Scout2016

I can't believe these responses. Being a mum is of no relevance if the kids are elsewhere, and even if they weren't so what? It's also just occurred me that as well as enjoying time out on my own I also bloody love having the house to myself, including the bed, and I don't like being disturbed by a drunk OH getting in in the middle of the night. I can't be the only one surely?
Yes. Almost like some poster's are subtly replying you can't be a good mother if you do something as unholy as this. When your kids aren't even at home...

Ridiculous.

PurpleDaisies · 22/02/2022 22:15

@Scout2016

I can't believe these responses. Being a mum is of no relevance if the kids are elsewhere, and even if they weren't so what? It's also just occurred me that as well as enjoying time out on my own I also bloody love having the house to myself, including the bed, and I don't like being disturbed by a drunk OH getting in in the middle of the night. I can't be the only one surely?
No, we regularly have weekends away on our own. It’s great. Dh does a five day long school trip every year. I love that time at home alone.
Gurnther · 22/02/2022 22:17

@LoisLane66

People on here are assuming that the OP is worth the attention they think she might be attracting. We have no idea how much (or how little) of a man magnet she is. Having fun with friends is one thing but IMV it's low taste to see and hear a group of half cut women shrieking and being loud and even, dare I say, eyeing up the odd attractive male even from a distance and betting who'll go up to get the next round and stand next to him. Don't tell me no-one does this. They do, married or not. Out of sight and all that. Harmless fun. 🙄
What on earth?

Have you heard yourself?

katepilar · 22/02/2022 22:17

I feel that its a bit odd if you go out and stay overnight at friends if its more than once in a few months and/or its a something special as a class-get-together..
Its difficult when have so different expectations on how free time is spent.