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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Okay to stay out when married?

554 replies

LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 19:22

So there's a situation with DH which I'm not sure whether he's unreasonable or not or whether it sounds a bit controlling/ what other people are comfortable with.

Basically he isn't really a go outer, he's much more introverted than me. I go out a lot more than he does with friends out into town or local for drinks things like that.

Some of my friends live a decent 20-30 min taxi ride away and so sometimes if it gets quite late (or early in the morning!) I'll think I'll just stay at my friends on their sofa or something. However whenever I suggest this to DH he is never happy about it and thinks I should come home regardless of the time. He really doesn't like the idea of me staying out. Whilst he'd never tell me I couldn't do it, I know he'd be in a bit of a huff the next day if I do.

Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair so I can understand why it makes him a bit nervous. But I'm not her and I feel like he should trust me now. We've been married for 3 years together for 6.

Should I just do what I want in this respect or should I make sure I'm home every time I go out?

OP posts:
Googlecanthelpme · 22/02/2022 22:36

He’d rather you get a taxi alone late at night or early morning than stay at a female friends house and then he pick you up the next day?

Ok.

He’s insecure, that’s sad but not your fault.

I bet if you said you were having a pamper night with drinks and pizza and staying over at a friends the replies would be different.

OP it doesn’t matter what other people think, YOU don’t want to get a taxi home in the middle of the night alone and quite fucking right too. I wouldn’t want to get murdered either.
So unless he’s happy to come and pick you up then he needs to pipe down

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 22:36

Remember anything remotely fun over the age of 25 is banned on MN, if you dare have any fun posters will ask if you’re a child.

Evidently!

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 22/02/2022 22:38

People on here are assuming that the OP is worth the attention they think she might be attracting. We have no idea how much (or how little) of a man magnet she is. Having fun with friends is one thing but IMV it's low taste to see and hear a group of half cut women shrieking and being loud and even, dare I say, eyeing up the odd attractive male even from a distance and betting who'll go up to get the next round and stand next to him.
Don't tell me no-one does this. They do, married or not. Out of sight and all that. Harmless fun.

How would you know so much about what women get up to when they’re out?

You must be out a lot to know so much.

It doesn’t really matter what OP looks like.
I don’t think she should only go out depending on how ugly she is.

I’ve been asked for my number 3 times in the last 2 days. I’m not a ‘man magnet’ and I wasn’t in a club or pub.

ChargingBuck · 22/02/2022 22:39

The whole set up sounds a bit like you're running away from something - kids free weekends twice a month; going out without dh; house parties after the pub.

Who knew - having a life outside of sitting indoors with your husband every night is "running away" from something. Can you not cope with the idea of a grown woman having friends & outside interests, @Uafasach?

ScottishNameChange · 22/02/2022 22:39

@LalaOIOI

Most mums aren’t out getting drunk and crashing on people’s sofas, they just aren’t, they’ve found better things to do

Do you know most mum's?

😆😆😆😆. Love it. You won't get everyone to agree with you here OP. Just talk to your husband, listen to his concerns and then tell him if and how you see it differently. He could be worried about your safety, he could really love mornings with you when the kids are away, he could have some strange old fashioned views that disappear when you tell him how you see it. He isn't a bad guy it seems so just say 'hey I'd like to make some time to talk about me going out and staying over at a friend's sometimes' and then agree to a time to sit and have an honest discussion about it.
Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 22:40

I don’t think she should only go out depending on how ugly she is

I know. Best only go out if I'm ugly, refuse to put on make up or brush my hair and wear nothing but an old tracksuit. Otherwise I may just win the advances of the attractive male I've been eyeballing and shrieking at.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 22/02/2022 22:40

I'd much rather you stayed safely at a friend's than took a long taxi ride home in the early hours.

Every couple of weeks sounds a lot though, as though you don't want to spend much social time (be that in or out) with DP.

AhNowTed · 22/02/2022 22:41

Wait till the posters hear that I work in a male dominated field and often stay in hotels with actual men.

And don't cook 😂

ChampionOfTheSun · 22/02/2022 22:41

@Scout2016 I'm with you, I'd much rather not be woken up by my DH coming in drunk!

Simonjt · 22/02/2022 22:41

@AhNowTed

Wait till the posters hear that I work in a male dominated field and often stay in hotels with actual men.

And don't cook 😂

Careful, you’ll get put in the cool wives club!
Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 22:42

@lottiegarbanzo

I'd much rather you stayed safely at a friend's than took a long taxi ride home in the early hours.

Every couple of weeks sounds a lot though, as though you don't want to spend much social time (be that in or out) with DP.

He doesn't want to spend it with me! I'd love to go do something with him and we do sometimes. But that's not his cup of tea for his down time / childfree time. He likes to be alone, tinker, get takeout and enjoy the peace and quiet. He sometimes gets excited when he knows I'm going out at the thought of having the house to himself 🤣 I don't get offended. We are just into different things.
OP posts:
lborgia · 22/02/2022 22:43

People are focusing on the wrong thing!

He is adamant he likes time to himself.
HE has no problem with her going out on those weekends.
The ONLY thing he has a problem with is her "sleeping over".

I'm not sure there's an easy way to say this to him, but he does know that if you were planning to sleep with someone you could go to bed with them at 8pm, and come home at midnight?!

The fact that you are spending the entire night away doesn't suddenly mean you are more likely to be unfaithful?!

I wonder whether he is happy until he going to bed, and then his brain starts playing tricks and he gets the anxiety from previous experience. I wonder if he finds it difficult to go to sleep knowing that you're not going to be there.

No excuse, he needs to resolve his issue, and not make it your fault.

AhNowTed · 22/02/2022 22:43

@LalaOIOI

I don’t think she should only go out depending on how ugly she is

I know. Best only go out if I'm ugly, refuse to put on make up or brush my hair and wear nothing but an old tracksuit. Otherwise I may just win the advances of the attractive male I've been eyeballing and shrieking at.

You're obviously gagging for it 😂😂😂

ChargingBuck · 22/02/2022 22:43

@Crazykatie

Reverse the situation would you be happy if he stayed out all night regularly!. You would be thinking what is he up to is he having an affair, is he thinking that about you??.
Of course she wouldn't. She'd be thinking "hope he's having a good night with Jim/Dave/Simon" ...

You know millions of people manage to have affairs without staying out all night don't you @Crazykatie?
It says more about your mind than OP's that you imagine staying with friends means cover for an affair ffs.

ChampionOfTheSun · 22/02/2022 22:44

@LalaOIOI YANBU at all, I've not been on a night out in ages for various reasons but if I did and I decided to stay out DH would have no issue with it, and vice versa.

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 22:44

@AhNowTed

Wait till the posters hear that I work in a male dominated field and often stay in hotels with actual men.

And don't cook 😂

Well I would of course hate to assume you're worth the attraction of those males! 🤣
OP posts:
yellowtwo · 22/02/2022 22:45

Maybe it would help if you had your friends round to yours for a few drinks one evening? If he hasn't met them he could put a face to the name.
I don't think you are being unreasonable, myself and my partner both do this if we are out with friends and not that near home, and we have young kids.

Whoevenknows79 · 22/02/2022 22:45

I think there is a difference between pre arranging to stay over at a mates and deciding to do so once you're out. The former I'd be fine with but the latter would annoy me if done on a regular basis.

newnameforthis76 · 22/02/2022 22:46

LOL at ‘Lois’ pretending to be a woman.

OP, I don’t know why people think it’s somehow unseemly for someone over the age of ‘early 20s’ to stay at a friend’s house after an evening out. I’m 46 and I see this as totally normal - it’s just a practical option to avoid the hassle of a long solo taxi ride home. The way people are talking on here, you’d think you were going on a three-day booze and drugs bender and waking up on a stranger’s floor! Staying in a friend’s spare room is a perfectly grown up and civilised thing to do IMO. My bloody MUM does this when she goes over to her friends’ houses for dinner and wine, and she’s 78 🤣

I can see why your partner has been affected by his previous partner’s infidelity, but that isn’t your fault and he needs to stop punishing you for his ex’s behaviour. He needs to be OK with you staying at a friend’s place now and again, or he needs to wait up for you until you’re ready for him to come and pick you up.

Scout2016 · 22/02/2022 22:46

@AhNowTed Gasp! Down with that sort of thing!

SprigofSage · 22/02/2022 22:46

@ScottishNameChange what good advice, I think you're right!

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 22:47

@yellowtwo

Maybe it would help if you had your friends round to yours for a few drinks one evening? If he hasn't met them he could put a face to the name. I don't think you are being unreasonable, myself and my partner both do this if we are out with friends and not that near home, and we have young kids.
I would, but he would loathe this! He doesn't really have any interest in meeting my friends although he has naturally met all of them at one thing or another, weddings, christenings etc...

Because yes even some of my friends are mothers and wives too! Grin

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 22/02/2022 22:47

It's quite sad that 'taking advantage' of a child free night means a piss up with your mates twice a month rather than spending quality time with your partner.

Grin Grin Grin

I know right? She's holding on to this marriage by the skin of her teeth, with only 353 - 341 nights a year to persuade her DH to cleave to her despite her wanton, friendship-keeping ways ....

I find it quite sad that so many PP view marriage as being joined at the hip to a partner they can't let out of their sight @redbigbananafeet

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 22:48

I wonder whether he is happy until he going to bed, and then his brain starts playing tricks and he gets the anxiety from previous experience

It could be yes! It would make sense.

The poster's who say I need to have a talk with him about his true issues are right I think. Thank you.

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 22/02/2022 22:48

@blanketyblanked

You can't really 'get over' adultery. It fucks up your subsequent relationships and trust issues, whether you want it to or not I think the OP could definitely take steps to empathise, minimise or make this easier for OP's h, not randomly sleeping away twice a month.
@blanketyblanked she’s hardly sleeping at any old random’s house she’s with her mates
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