Okay to stay out when married?

[LalaOIOI]

So there's a situation with DH which I'm not sure whether he's unreasonable or not or whether it sounds a bit controlling/ what other people are comfortable with.

Basically he isn't really a go outer, he's much more introverted than me. I go out a lot more than he does with friends out into town or local for drinks things like that.

Some of my friends live a decent 20-30 min taxi ride away and so sometimes if it gets quite late (or early in the morning!) I'll think I'll just stay at my friends on their sofa or something. However whenever I suggest this to DH he is never happy about it and thinks I should come home regardless of the time. He really doesn't like the idea of me staying out. Whilst he'd never tell me I couldn't do it, I know he'd be in a bit of a huff the next day if I do.

Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair so I can understand why it makes him a bit nervous. But I'm not her and I feel like he should trust me now. We've been married for 3 years together for 6.

Should I just do what I want in this respect or should I make sure I'm home every time I go out?

To be absolutely clear because some people seem to have missed it... I DON'T STAY OUT EVERY TIME. I do not stay out twice a month, I don't even always go out twice a month. Yes we do things together sometimes but he also loves the opportunity to be home alone. Sometimes he does pick me up, sometimes I'm home by 11, sometimes I'm out later. My point was sometimes I'd find it easier to stay at a friend's rather than get a taxi alone very late.

It wouldn't matter if it was one every year or pre planned, he would not want me to do it.

Of course it's fine. ( I say that as a boring git who prefers TV or a book to people)

But OP, it doesn't matter what we think. Anything is ok in a marriage, as long as there is respect and trust.

However, he doesn't have the right to sulk to control your behaviour, and he cannot hold you ransom because of his ex wife's behaviour.

HE has unresolved issues, which HE needs to sort out. I would have a proper sit down discussion about this. Sulking is so destructive in a relationship.

Perhaps as a compromised, you scale back a tiny bit on the staying over. I wouldn't stop though as it would be far too easy to slip into a situation where you hold up your end while he 'puts off' addressing his issues

I'm really surprised at the opposition to this. I don't get it. Youre married, he's not you're dad and you're not 16.

Although not yet married, I personally would rather get a taxi home than crash on a friend's couch for the night. Used to do it when I was your age, but have sort of grown out of it now. Which is sad in a way, as we had a lot of fun. I still love going on nights out though.
That being said, I don't think YABU. I can understand that he has been damaged by his ex, but he needs to work through those issues himself rather than trying to impose restrictions on you. Don't give up something you enjoy because someone else doesn't think it's the done thing.

You can't really 'get over' adultery. It fucks up your subsequent relationships and trust issues, whether you want it to or not I think the OP could definitely take steps to empathise, minimise or make this easier for OP's h, not randomly sleeping away twice a month.

@LalaOIOI

To be absolutely clear because some people seem to have missed it... I DON'T STAY OUT EVERY TIME. I do not stay out twice a month, I don't even always go out twice a month. Yes we do things together sometimes but he also loves the opportunity to be home alone. Sometimes he does pick me up, sometimes I'm home by 11, sometimes I'm out later. My point was sometimes I'd find it easier to stay at a friend's rather than get a taxi alone very late.

It wouldn't matter if it was one every year or pre planned, he would not want me to do it.

but you do so anyway so what is the problem? You want him to accept it?

You need to grow up op.

not randomly sleeping away twice a month.

Oh for goodness sake. Have you read my posts?

YANBU, you are not his ex wife, you are not doing anything wrong, and he shouldn't make you feel bad for staying over at a friends, because you can't drive due to having a few drinks.

But...
Is it a case of you telling him you're going out, and the next he hears from you is at 2am when you send him a text telling him you're staying with XYZ?

Or is it more planned in advance? So, he knows you're going to X Town, meeting XYZ, and might stay over?

I think it might boil down to not knowing, so when you go out, he doesn't know if you'll be home or not. Maybe you need a little more planning, so when you go out tell him you're going to stay with X friend, that way he knows you're staying out. Maybe that will put his mind at ease.

@blanketyblanked

As he's been cheated on in the past, I do sympathise with wanting you to come home & nor staying out the night. It's horrible lying alone in the dark, wondering if your other half is being unfaithful or not after having last experience. I think you should be more sensitive, to be honest

So she has to adjust her behaviour because he's insecure?

Absolutely not.

@MyDcAreMarvel

You need to grow up op.

In what way?

I'm a homeowner, with a good career, a loving mother who's children are thriving.

But because I like to go out late with friends sometimes I need to grow up?

I think you need to grow down by the sounds of it!

but you do so anyway so what is the problem? You want him to accept it?

I want him to not sulk the next day because of it yes.

OMG this thread is hilarious...my OH and I used to go out with friends on our own...there were times he wouldnt get home until 10am the next day. We have always had our going out together crew and separates. Works for us...i wont be inhibited about going out...we are in our 50s now and he is ill but with planning i still go out for late ones with friends or they come to mine( by late I mean up until 5am )

@blanketyblanked

You can't really 'get over' adultery. It fucks up your subsequent relationships and trust issues, whether you want it to or not I think the OP could definitely take steps to empathise, minimise or make this easier for OP's h, not randomly sleeping away twice a month.

It’s not her issue to solve. It’s his.

@hairymorag

OMG this thread is hilarious...my OH and I used to go out with friends on our own...there were times he wouldnt get home until 10am the next day. We have always had our going out together crew and separates. Works for us...i wont be inhibited about going out...we are in our 50s now and he is ill but with planning i still go out for late ones with friends or they come to mine( by late I mean up until 5am )

Oh my goodness you're married and you still like going out with your friends until late?! SOMEONE CALL THE VICAR.

Why settle down and have kids if you just want to stay out partying,if you was a man people would be saying LTB or he’s having an affair!

@Thewindwhispers

I can see why it makes DH grumpy. It’s just a teenage / early twenties thing to do, most people have grown out of it by your age. Not trying to be rude 🙈 just not sure how else to say it. Most mums aren’t out getting drunk and crashing on people’s sofas, they just aren’t, they’ve found better things to do. (And with the background here re his wife having an affair while pretending to stay at friends it seems pretty insensitive too.)

If you didn’t want to know what we all think, why ask?

@Thewindwhispers “They’ve found better things that to do” like what? Tidying up after their kids and iron their husbands shirts?! Surely ones perception of what constitutes better things to do is subjective? And surely it’s all about balance? Spending time with her Dh, with her kids and with her pals having a good night without having to worry about getting a taxi etc is all just part of a well rounded, full life? Or did you lose all your other roles and activities and interests in life when you became a mum?

I can't see the problem OP. You get to go out. He doesn't even want to so no loss to him. You see your mates and let your hair down which is healthy. You and husband get some time apart which is also healthy, and he gets time on his own which he enjoys. Also healthy. You save yourself the taxi fare and ride alone in a taxi that you dislike, not unreasonably. Your parents are happy and keen to babysit. He's not up early with kids, but, even if he were, that's the life of a parent. Sounds like it's only a few times a year anyway.
His baggage from his ex isn't your problem.
Utterly irrational too as you could cheat without staying out all night. Not that you are of course, just make it worse that it's illogical.

@Fedupbuyer

Why settle down and have kids if you just want to stay out partying,if you was a man people would be saying LTB or he’s having an affair!

Did I miss the memo or something? Can you only settle down if you're prepared to never leave your house without your partner again? Or if the only fun you have is going for a walk and a Sunday dinner?

Absolute boring fuckers on this thread. It's bonkers.

@MyDcAreMarvel

You need to grow up op.

Some folks must lead very dull lives.

I have a full time career, 2 now adult kids, a busy life.

If I want to go round my pals, dance around the kitchen and have a good laugh I will. And yes, occasionally crash in her spare bed.

Himself will cope very well without me.

Honestly this thread 🙄

What's the curfew for married settled down people? Is it 10pm if you don't have DC and it changes to 9 if you do?

I think its fine to do infrequently.

Me and DH did this maybe 3-6 times a year pre kids.

In all honesty my DH wouldn't want me travelling on my own at 2 or 3 in the morning on public transport or taking taxis across London.

He'd prefer me to be comfortable and safe.

SOMEONE CALL THE VICAR

😂😂😂

And as for "most Mums don't do this, they just don't"

Careful you don't fall the great height from your horse there.

@LalaOIOI
I can't imagine a married woman thinking it's fine to sofa surf after a night out on the tiles.
Would the OP be ok with her DH doing the same, given that he has reason to be uncomfortable with her staying out.
If the OP had had his experience in her past she might understand his discomfort.
Still, she's an adult and can do what she likes regardless of his feelings and I don't think he's controlling from the comments she has made, just uncomfortable with her staying out.