Okay to stay out when married?

[LalaOIOI]

So there's a situation with DH which I'm not sure whether he's unreasonable or not or whether it sounds a bit controlling/ what other people are comfortable with.

Basically he isn't really a go outer, he's much more introverted than me. I go out a lot more than he does with friends out into town or local for drinks things like that.

Some of my friends live a decent 20-30 min taxi ride away and so sometimes if it gets quite late (or early in the morning!) I'll think I'll just stay at my friends on their sofa or something. However whenever I suggest this to DH he is never happy about it and thinks I should come home regardless of the time. He really doesn't like the idea of me staying out. Whilst he'd never tell me I couldn't do it, I know he'd be in a bit of a huff the next day if I do.

Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair so I can understand why it makes him a bit nervous. But I'm not her and I feel like he should trust me now. We've been married for 3 years together for 6.

Should I just do what I want in this respect or should I make sure I'm home every time I go out?

*This must have been the same before the marriage and children.

Couldn't have been a deal breaker then*

This! OP has said she is more extroverted than her DH. That rarely changes overnight.

Seems to be a ridiculous amount of rules from some posters. Constant threads here about leaving children with grandparents and fostering relationships and what not yet seems to be only if mum and dad want to spend time together not for either to do anything on their own.

@EveryAvenue But OP says she does both. Has quality 1:1 time with her husband but also enjoys nights out with her pals as well. Sounds a very happy and well balanced marriage to me

@SartresSoul

If my DH did this I’d assume he was cheating too. I do trust him but I know everyone is capable of being unfaithful and if he was regularly sleeping over at other people’s houses after a night out, that would be my first conclusion.

Then you have trust issues. Most affairs don't require an overnight stay. Think about it ...

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@EveryAvenue But OP says she does both. Has quality 1:1 time with her husband but also enjoys nights out with her pals as well. Sounds a very happy and well balanced marriage to me[/quote]
It’s clearly not a balanced happy marriage if this is causing such a disagreement between them.

EveryAvenue

ChikaCherryCola

Because presumably the kids are there? Time alone with your husband is absolutely not the same as time with your husband and kids. As OP clearly knows if she’s ‘taking advantage’ of the time they’re not there

Several posters have already intimated that it's unreasonable for her to go out and leave him with the kids. If she can't go out when the kids are there, and she can't go out when they're not, when is she allowed to go out?

Oh, she's not, is she?

Who said she wasn’t allowed to go out?

Why doesn't the damn quote function work consistently?

Posters initially said she shouldn't stay out and leave her dh to care for the kids. When it was clarified the kids weren't there, posters said that she shouldn't be going out when the kids aren't there, rather she should be spending time with him. So she can't win.

I agree @Ohwowhoho.

Even though circumstances are often different too (men who go out a lot, crash at friends etc are also often the types who refuse to take an responsibility for the dcs/family/house etc…).

But making compromise is also part of living together.
If it causes some real anxiety to her DP, I’d expect her to take into account when making her plans. I’d also expect her DP to realise it’s his anxiety talking and to look into that (putting things into perspective , seeing a counsellor, talking to the. OP, easing up into her staying over rather than just NO etc…)

@ChikaCherryCola I agree with your statement there.

MN a is weird some times.

@SleepingStandingUp

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE CLARIFY

I'm too old for crashing at my mates (40, 3 young kids) but what about a girlie weekend or holiday by myself? Volunteer work that requires overnights?

Yup. You are Bad & Wrong, @SleepingStandingUp.

You should have Grown Out Of This Behaviour before you had kids.
As soon as you married, you should have put 100% of your focus on needily cleaving to DH. FFS if you'd been able to get that one small job right, you'd have no time for women friends, which is as it should be.
Total co-dependency is the only way to go.

As to the volunteer work - it's just self, self, self with you isn't it? WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN you cannot expect them to be cared for by their father. You know what these overnight stays mean. You lose control of your legs, & fall onto the first available penis.

I don't even stay over at my parents. Since getting married, we make it a priority to spend time together and get ready for bed. Never would I consider staying somewhere else and not being in the same bed as him, neither does he

Is this for real?! People are just so fucking weird! Is this what marriage does to people who used to be normal?

I stay over at friends if I get a bit pissed - not a young people thing - I am 69.

@Ohwowhoho Ah DH just needs to get over it and realise he cannot control his wife to appease his own past wounds and insecurities. Most of us have been cheated on at some point but it’s key to not impose your insecurities on your current partner as then you can become inadvertently controlling and manipulative of them

@TravellingFrom

I agree *@Ohwowhoho*.

Even though circumstances are often different too (men who go out a lot, crash at friends etc are also often the types who refuse to take an responsibility for the dcs/family/house etc…).

But making compromise is also part of living together.
If it causes some real anxiety to her DP, I’d expect her to take into account when making her plans. I’d also expect her DP to realise it’s his anxiety talking and to look into that (putting things into perspective , seeing a counsellor, talking to the. OP, easing up into her staying over rather than just NO etc…)

FFS she already IS compromising. She goes out once & sometimes twice a month. She stays overnight on fewer than half of those occasions.

Go & read her posts before making sanctimonious pronouncements on what you reckon she's allowed to do.

I don't even stay over at my parents. Since getting married, we make it a priority to spend time together and get ready for bed. Never would I consider staying somewhere else and not being in the same bed as him, neither does he

Dear God, this is making me tense up just reading it! This sort of relationship would have me running screaming to the hills.

I know @ChargingBuck, I cant help it

I didn’t say I’d be fuming about him going out? I said I’d be fuming about him staying out

OK so you have overnight childcare. Your happy for DH to spend this time down the pub with his mates. That's fine. The issue is he must come back, drunk and not much use for loud screamy sex, because....?

@ChargingBuck Sums it up really well. Some awfully low opinions of women and internalised misogyny on this thread

I actually cannot believe the replies you’re getting OP. I too was unaware that staying out with friends became forbidden when you get married. I’ve just been on a week’s holiday with friends while my boyfriend was at home - clearly he should be dumping me because I’m so inconsiderate.

Of course you’re not doing anything wrong (and neither would a man be if he went out a couple of times a month!) Christ. So many people seem to have internalised the idea that marriage and kids mean surrendering your personality and independence into the bin. Why does it have to mean that? What’s wrong with wanting to retain a life for yourself as well as having a family? Nothing. Very depressing viewpoint in 2022! His trust issues are his issues.

FFS she already IS compromising.
She goes out once & sometimes twice a month.
She stays overnight on fewer than half of those occasions.

Go & read her posts before making sanctimonious pronouncements on what you reckon she's allowed to do.

Well said.

And as for "if this post was about a woman who didn't want her husband staying out you'd all be casting him as the villain". I disagree. If a woman drew a picture of a good relationship with a man who moved away from his friends to live with her, but she didn't want him to stay overnight with said friends because of being cheated on by a previous partner...I wouldn't think her partner was the unreasonable one for wanting to stay overnight. My views would be the same.

Have to hope that all these pearl clutchers posting today are blokes. Carry on enjoying your life OP - some of these posters are bonkers.

And it is not your responsibility to change your behaviour to appease his paranoias and insecurities.

Wow. I hope no one takes advice from MN to have a lasting marriage. The advice is SO different depending on if it's a man or woman. Of course anyone should take their partner's (reasonable) insecurities into account. Why wouldn't you try to if you are truly a team?!

@fuckoffImcounting

I stay over at friends if I get a bit pissed - not a young people thing - I am 69.

ALERT THE CHURCH ELDERS

@peaceanddove

I don't even stay over at my parents. Since getting married, we make it a priority to spend time together and get ready for bed. Never would I consider staying somewhere else and not being in the same bed as him, neither does he

Dear God, this is making me tense up just reading it! This sort of relationship would have me running screaming to the hills.

It also makes me worry how couples like this cope when there's a serious medical issue or one dies. When DS was born we didn't share a bed consistently for 18 months. We had shared hospital accommodation for the early months but once he was home and readmitted it was FOUR MONTHS of one of us sleeping hospital bedside a d one in parent accommodation. If he died tomorrow I'd be heartbroken but I know I have an amazing support network around me because I didn't ditch my friends for my husband

@purplehairlady

And it is not your responsibility to change your behaviour to appease his paranoias and insecurities.

Wow. I hope no one takes advice from MN to have a lasting marriage. The advice is SO different depending on if it's a man or woman. Of course anyone should take their partner's (reasonable) insecurities into account. Why wouldn't you try to if you are truly a team?!

I haven’t known one relationship where one person gets to do whatever they want and not consider the other persons feelings without it being at the detriment to the other. Agree, marriage is supposed to be a team.

I do think a good compromise would be the DH picking her up though, whatever the time.

Ah DH just needs to get over it and realise he cannot control his wife to appease his own past wounds and insecurities. Most of us have been cheated on at some point but it’s key to not impose your insecurities on your current partner as then you can become inadvertently controlling and manipulative of them

Agree. A spouse can have the potential to cheat the moment they leave their partner’s presence whether that be going to work, running errands, doing hobbies, or going to pubs, travel, etc but there’s no expectation that we never leave our spouses’ sides. You either trust your partner or you don’t, simple as that. If not and they haven’t given you a reason not to trust them, there’s a problem.

@purplehairlady

And it is not your responsibility to change your behaviour to appease his paranoias and insecurities.

Wow. I hope no one takes advice from MN to have a lasting marriage. The advice is SO different depending on if it's a man or woman. Of course anyone should take their partner's (reasonable) insecurities into account. Why wouldn't you try to if you are truly a team?!

Or he could work on his insecurities, a much healthier option round

Seriously weird responses here. You don't stop enjoying lots of time with your friends just because you're married.

I wouldn't have a problem with it, nor would DP - if planned in advance and the parenting wasn't dumped on the other person the next day