Okay to stay out when married?

[LalaOIOI]

So there's a situation with DH which I'm not sure whether he's unreasonable or not or whether it sounds a bit controlling/ what other people are comfortable with.

Basically he isn't really a go outer, he's much more introverted than me. I go out a lot more than he does with friends out into town or local for drinks things like that.

Some of my friends live a decent 20-30 min taxi ride away and so sometimes if it gets quite late (or early in the morning!) I'll think I'll just stay at my friends on their sofa or something. However whenever I suggest this to DH he is never happy about it and thinks I should come home regardless of the time. He really doesn't like the idea of me staying out. Whilst he'd never tell me I couldn't do it, I know he'd be in a bit of a huff the next day if I do.

Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair so I can understand why it makes him a bit nervous. But I'm not her and I feel like he should trust me now. We've been married for 3 years together for 6.

Should I just do what I want in this respect or should I make sure I'm home every time I go out?

Kids are 6, 2 and 2. 6 year old has some additional needs. Twins are... Wildlings. I expect the house to be tidier on my return than when I leave it. Sometimes I go out and leave him all day (say 11-11( to get drunk with another man (alas only once or twice a year)

(I seem to have lost the ability to quote)

A man?? Does your dh know this? You sound like a scoundrel tbh and you don't deserve him.

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@hellithurt but he is putting a curfew on her really… what if OP doesn’t want to come pre-midnight? It would be early to be leaving a night out. Married woman don’t turn into pumpkins after midnight. And if she dare not come back with him pre-night and stays over at a friends she will have to endure him being huffy with her all day. To me that all feels very manipulative and controlling[/quote]
She could get a taxi?

As I say can you imagine a man insisting his wife stay up until 2am or. 3am otherwise he wouldn't come home?

It wouldn't go down well!

I'm sure you'll say it's unsafe in a taxi alone, but lots of things are unsafe, going to pubs and clubs with drink spiking etc. it's all got unsafe possibilities.

@LalaOIOI

So it's like this DW it may be 2 or 3 am, but I want you to wait up and chauffeur me about. I call you when I see fit.

I don't actually expect this. But then I don't think he then gets to insist I get a taxi alone in the middle of the night either if I'm not comfortable with that. If he really wants me home that badly then he can come and get me if he likes.

But surely coming to get you would be controlling?

@mummykel16

This must have been the same before the marriage and children.

Couldn't have been a deal breaker then

@mummykel16 Exactly! So why should it be a dealbreaker now?!

I would get a taxi or DH will pick me up, or I would only have one drink

The one time my dh said he'd pick me up (it was an impromptu evening and I hadn't arranged to stay) he messaged at 10:30 to say he was tired so could he pick me up? Of course I said yes, taxis are ridiculously expensive but never again will I accept that offer! I'll stick to packing my overnight bag and settling in for the night, thanks. I do sometimes go for an evening and not drink, so drive home later. It's not about getting wasted, but I do love my stayovers with my friends and if dh had a problem with that then, well, we'd have a problem.

*She could get a taxi?

As I say can you imagine a man insisting his wife stay up until 2am or. 3am otherwise he wouldn't come home?*

Or she could stay at her friend's. Which is what she wants to do.

Im 33 and have an 11 month old baby and I go out at least once a month with my friends and it sometimes is a big night! I like going to clubs and often go back to house parties!!

I'm still the same person I was before I had kids

Her Dad is more than capable of looking after her and the odd time I just come home the next day as it's easier than taxi's or night buses across London!

Your husband just sounds like he doesnt trust you - what happened with his ex is nothing to do with you

So yes I take advantage of the time when they do have them over night.

Do they have them any other time over night so you can spend some time with your DH or are you always taking advantage of this time?

Sorry OP, I’m with your DH here, and I’m younger than you!! I would be fucking fuming if my parents had the kids once or twice a month and my DP spent even one of these nights sleeping over at his friends! Maybe once or twice a year when he’s gone out and gone crazy, yes. But when quality overnight time is scarce I would have a real problem with it and start to dread him going out.

FWIW, I go out with my friends in my home town a lot and I always come home. Even if it means a £30 Uber at 4am.

and the OP spends every other bloody day and night with her husband - they live together..so why can't they do things seperately sometimes

jeez

Also when are you telling him you’re staying out? Before you go out? Last minute? I think that really makes a difference and if it’s the latter I would be really annoyed. There’s lots of threads here about men deciding to stay out last minute and all posters are usually in agreement it’s out of order.

@Heyahun

and the OP spends every other bloody day and night with her husband - they live together..so why can't they do things seperately sometimes

jeez

Because presumably the kids are there? Time alone with your husband is absolutely not the same as time with your husband and kids. As OP clearly knows if she’s ‘taking advantage’ of the time they’re not there.

@PixieLaLa

The double standards on MN is hilarious. Can you just imagine if a guy dared to stay out for the night and his partner was at home with a child….bloody hell some people are so self centred on here

The lack of reading comprehension on MN is hilarious. Can you imagine PP banging on about OP leaving her DH at home with a child ... when that is not what happens?

The DC are at their GP's @PixieLaLa.
& DH looks forward to his occasional nights home alone - he is introverted, & enjoys them. He doesn't have any issue at all with OP being out with her friends.

@ChikaCherryCola

*She could get a taxi?

As I say can you imagine a man insisting his wife stay up until 2am or. 3am otherwise he wouldn't come home?*

Or she could stay at her friend's. Which is what she wants to do.

Yes she is doing what she wants to do, but just sometimes comprises need to be made? Isn't that how relationships work?

She could

Get picked up at midnight?
Get a taxi?
Go out on her own area and let the friends crash at hers?

@Heyahun

Im 33 and have an 11 month old baby and I go out at least once a month with my friends and it sometimes is a big night! I like going to clubs and often go back to house parties!!

I'm still the same person I was before I had kids

Her Dad is more than capable of looking after her and the odd time I just come home the next day as it's easier than taxi's or night buses across London!

Your husband just sounds like he doesnt trust you - what happened with his ex is nothing to do with you

@Heyahun You go girl 🙌

I would be fucking fuming if my parents had the kids once or twice a month and my DP spent even one of these nights sleeping over at his friends!

But he's not "fucking fuming" about her going out. And the op has already said he enjoys the evenings on his own. His issue is that he was previously cheated on by a partner who used "staying with friends" as an excuse. The op shouldn't be punished for this.

FWIW, I go out with my friends in my home town a lot and I always come home. Even if it means a £30 Uber at 4am

Which is fine for you. Others on this thread have said that they prefer to stay out. And that's okay too.

Age has nothing to do with it. You don't have any responsibilities on Sunday morning. Or none that are not also his. And it is not your responsibility to change your behaviour to appease his paranoias and insecurities.

FWIW I love it when my DP goes out for the night! I get time by myself, not having to make conversation, messing on my phone for hours etc. And no way am I dragging my ass out at 3am to pick him up, nor do I want him waking me up at that time either. If he is going to cheat he'll cheat. Making him come home every night won't stop that.

@ChikaCherryCola

I would be fucking fuming if my parents had the kids once or twice a month and my DP spent even one of these nights sleeping over at his friends!

But he's not "fucking fuming" about her going out. And the op has already said he enjoys the evenings on his own. His issue is that he was previously cheated on by a partner who used "staying with friends" as an excuse. The op shouldn't be punished for this.

FWIW, I go out with my friends in my home town a lot and I always come home. Even if it means a £30 Uber at 4am

Which is fine for you. Others on this thread have said that they prefer to stay out. And that's okay too.

You have to compromise in a relationship. If a woman made this post about how her DH prefers to stay out the responses would not be the same as this. As evidenced by the million multiple threads that have been made in similar circumstances.

What would be wrong with the dh being home with dc? He's also their parent and capable of caring for them.

It's not like op is saying she goes out every weekend and stays out while the dh has no option but to stay at home.

There is no problem with op staying at a friends house for convenience and safety, the dh is unreasonable and controlling. Being 'in a huff' over her staying out is controlling and unacceptable, it's a slippery slope from being 'huffy' about a partner staying at friends houses and a lab abusive controller.

I often stay out if I'm out with friends, it's a 40-60 minute drive and given the option of staying at a friends or a £60+ taxi alone I'll stay at the friends, dh is perfectly capable of taking care of our dc just as I am when he's out.

@YukoandHiro

It's more the staying out when you have children that I think is a bit weird. It's very unfair on him, to leave the whole morning routine to him because you went out on the lash the night before.

What morning routine? The kids are staying overnight with GC, who love to have them & beg OP for the chance ...

Because presumably the kids are there? Time alone with your husband is absolutely not the same as time with your husband and kids. As OP clearly knows if she’s ‘taking advantage’ of the time they’re not there

Several posters have already intimated that it's unreasonable for her to go out and leave him with the kids. If she can't go out when the kids are there, and she can't go out when they're not, when is she allowed to go out?

Oh, she's not, is she?

@ChikaCherryCola

Kids are 6, 2 and 2. 6 year old has some additional needs. Twins are... Wildlings. I expect the house to be tidier on my return than when I leave it. Sometimes I go out and leave him all day (say 11-11( to get drunk with another man (alas only once or twice a year)

(I seem to have lost the ability to quote)

A man?? Does your dh know this? You sound like a scoundrel tbh and you don't deserve him.

Tbh he's very good 😂 the house was so tidy Sunday, it's actually annoying. And he paid for the July holiday.

Hang on, maybe HE'S having the affair!!!!

I don't even stay over at my parents. Since getting married, we make it a priority to spend time together and get ready for bed. Never would I consider staying somewhere else and not being in the same bed as him, neither does he.

😂 People on here are so odd! So so odd...

@ChikaCherryCola

I would be fucking fuming if my parents had the kids once or twice a month and my DP spent even one of these nights sleeping over at his friends!

But he's not "fucking fuming" about her going out. And the op has already said he enjoys the evenings on his own. His issue is that he was previously cheated on by a partner who used "staying with friends" as an excuse. The op shouldn't be punished for this.

FWIW, I go out with my friends in my home town a lot and I always come home. Even if it means a £30 Uber at 4am

Which is fine for you. Others on this thread have said that they prefer to stay out. And that's okay too.

I didn’t say I’d be fuming about him going out? I said I’d be fuming about him staying out. That is my boundaries and my DP respects them. OP doesn’t respect her DH’s and that’s his issue here. I agree with PP responses would not be the same if this was the other way round.

@ChikaCherryCola

Because presumably the kids are there? Time alone with your husband is absolutely not the same as time with your husband and kids. As OP clearly knows if she’s ‘taking advantage’ of the time they’re not there

Several posters have already intimated that it's unreasonable for her to go out and leave him with the kids. If she can't go out when the kids are there, and she can't go out when they're not, when is she allowed to go out?

Oh, she's not, is she?

Who said she wasn’t allowed to go out?

@EveryAvenue

Also when are you telling him you’re staying out? Before you go out? Last minute? I think that really makes a difference and if it’s the latter I would be really annoyed. There’s lots of threads here about men deciding to stay out last minute and all posters are usually in agreement it’s out of order.

My dh does the opposite - plans to stay out then decides to come back home. Usually rather drunk. Pisses me right off