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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Okay to stay out when married?

554 replies

LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 19:22

So there's a situation with DH which I'm not sure whether he's unreasonable or not or whether it sounds a bit controlling/ what other people are comfortable with.

Basically he isn't really a go outer, he's much more introverted than me. I go out a lot more than he does with friends out into town or local for drinks things like that.

Some of my friends live a decent 20-30 min taxi ride away and so sometimes if it gets quite late (or early in the morning!) I'll think I'll just stay at my friends on their sofa or something. However whenever I suggest this to DH he is never happy about it and thinks I should come home regardless of the time. He really doesn't like the idea of me staying out. Whilst he'd never tell me I couldn't do it, I know he'd be in a bit of a huff the next day if I do.

Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair so I can understand why it makes him a bit nervous. But I'm not her and I feel like he should trust me now. We've been married for 3 years together for 6.

Should I just do what I want in this respect or should I make sure I'm home every time I go out?

OP posts:
TravellingFrom · 23/02/2022 08:56

@SleepingStandingUp it doesn’t matter anyway if the kids are there or not.
The OP isn’t the only one who can look after the dcs. And I’m pretty sure it’s ok for one parent to be in charge of the dcs on their own whilst the other has a lie in….

ChikaCherryCola · 23/02/2022 09:11

There's a lot of weird judgement on this thread. I don't think it's unreasonable at all to stay out. I'm late 40s and I do it myself fairly often. Dh doesn't care. I don't drive home with a hangover the next morning and I'm not hungover a day. It's not about getting shit-faced; it's just about being able to have a few drinks with friends. Sometimes we hit the hay at 11pm,.other times were still talking at 2am, so I'd never know what time to plan a taxi for, and wouldn't expect dh to wait up to pick me up.

I do think it sounds a bit controlling of your husband LalaOIOI, and whatever's happened in the past shouldn't impact on the way you choose to live your life.

SartresSoul · 23/02/2022 09:18

If my DH did this I’d assume he was cheating too. I do trust him but I know everyone is capable of being unfaithful and if he was regularly sleeping over at other people’s houses after a night out, that would be my first conclusion.

ChikaCherryCola · 23/02/2022 09:23

The double standards on MN is hilarious. Can you just imagine if a guy dared to stay out for the night and his partner was at home with a child….bloody hell some people are so self centred on here

Really? Some postersignt be outraged by that, others would think it's fine. It's not a double standard as far as I'm concerned. I stay out sometimes, he stays out sometimes. And when we're on our own, we care for our kids alone which we're both extremely capable of doing. I wouldn't be married to a man who couldn't take care of our children for a time on his own.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/02/2022 09:24

[quote TravellingFrom]@SleepingStandingUp it doesn’t matter anyway if the kids are there or not.
The OP isn’t the only one who can look after the dcs. And I’m pretty sure it’s ok for one parent to be in charge of the dcs on their own whilst the other has a lie in….[/quote]
I don't care where the kids are. I was telling chips because they seemed to be struggling to comprehend the many posts saying the kids weren't there by doing the "what about the kids?" confused face.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/02/2022 09:25

@SartresSoul

If my DH did this I’d assume he was cheating too. I do trust him but I know everyone is capable of being unfaithful and if he was regularly sleeping over at other people’s houses after a night out, that would be my first conclusion.
I don't think you can state you trust him if that would be your first assumption. What if he's late from work or takes too long at the supermarket? There's so many places he could cheat
ChikaCherryCola · 23/02/2022 09:27

if he was regularly sleeping over at other people’s houses after a night out, that would be my first conclusion

Really? Your first conclusion? It's not as if the op is going out and crashing and random people's houses. She stays with a friend. It so normal in my world and I've never once come to the conclusion that my dh is having an affair when he stays with his friend. And vice versa.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/02/2022 09:27

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE CLARIFY

I'm too old for crashing at my mates (40, 3 young kids) but what about a girlie weekend or holiday by myself? Volunteer work that requires overnights?

PurpleDaisies · 23/02/2022 09:28

I don't even stay over at my parents. Since getting married, we make it a priority to spend time together and get ready for bed. Never would I consider staying somewhere else and not being in the same bed as him, neither does he.

What, never? That sounds pretty unhealthy to me.

ChikaCherryCola · 23/02/2022 09:29

I don't think you can state you trust him if that would be your first assumption. What if he's late from work or takes too long at the supermarket? There's so many places he could cheat

Indeed, he could be scrolling Tinder or POF whilst staying in on a Saturday night.

ChikaCherryCola · 23/02/2022 09:30

@SleepingStandingUp

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE CLARIFY

I'm too old for crashing at my mates (40, 3 young kids) but what about a girlie weekend or holiday by myself? Volunteer work that requires overnights?

I can clarify that you're not too old to be crashing at your mates'. The rest is also fine. I don't believe there's an upper age limit for any of it.
SleepingStandingUp · 23/02/2022 09:35

Sorry Chika I meant can a good wife clarify 😂😉

ChikaCherryCola · 23/02/2022 09:36

Oh apologies SleepingStandingUp. Yeah, you probably don't want to take advice from the likes of me 😂

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/02/2022 09:43

“I don't even stay over at my parents. Since getting married, we make it a priority to spend time together and get ready for bed. Never would I consider staying somewhere else and not being in the same bed as him, neither does he.”

Why though? Do you think your marriage would crumble if you were to be parted from your DP for a night? It’s not nescessary to be with your partner 24/7 to have a healthy relationship
Get a life ladies!

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/02/2022 09:44

@SleepingStandingUp

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE CLARIFY

I'm too old for crashing at my mates (40, 3 young kids) but what about a girlie weekend or holiday by myself? Volunteer work that requires overnights?

Absolutely not too old for any of those things!
LuckySantangelo35 · 23/02/2022 09:45

@SartresSoul you clearly don’t trust him nor does he trust you.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/02/2022 09:50

@ChikaCherryCola

Oh apologies SleepingStandingUp. Yeah, you probably don't want to take advice from the likes of me 😂
Well I was away last weekend with friends and I'm away April and May volunteering and then holiday alone July so I just need to know if I should expect a divorce when I get back 😂
ChikaCherryCola · 23/02/2022 09:53

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@SartresSoul you clearly don’t trust him nor does he trust you.[/quote]
It's odd isn't it? "I trust my dh 100%, but if he were to stay out my first conclusion would be that he's being unfaithful". Confused So you trust him, but not when he's out of your sight? That's not really how trust works.

posey6 · 23/02/2022 09:56

My DH is currently on a 5 day holiday, I'm home with 3 young children. Seems really controlling to me that he's huffy with you when you want to stay over at a friends house.

ChikaCherryCola · 23/02/2022 09:57

Well I was away last weekend with friends and I'm away April and May volunteering and then holiday alone July so I just need to know if I should expect a divorce when I get back

I suppose it depends whether you're leaving him with any childcare or housework duties. He can't really be expected to do all that on his own when you're off doing goodness knows what Wink

SleepingStandingUp · 23/02/2022 10:00

@ChikaCherryCola

Well I was away last weekend with friends and I'm away April and May volunteering and then holiday alone July so I just need to know if I should expect a divorce when I get back

I suppose it depends whether you're leaving him with any childcare or housework duties. He can't really be expected to do all that on his own when you're off doing goodness knows what Wink

Kids are 6, 2 and 2. 6 year old has some additional needs. Twins are... Wildlings. I expect the house to be tidier on my return than when I leave it. Sometimes I go out and leave him all day (say 11-11( to get drunk with another man (alas only once or twice a year).
SleepingStandingUp · 23/02/2022 10:02

@posey6

My DH is currently on a 5 day holiday, I'm home with 3 young children. Seems really controlling to me that he's huffy with you when you want to stay over at a friends house.
Did he catch a plane because you know he's probably having an affair with the flight attendant right? Or he's secretly taken Louisa from accounts and is doctoring any photos he sends home 😂
WhatATimeToBeAlive · 23/02/2022 10:03

We're similar in as much as DH is a bit of a homebody, but I go out with friends a fair bit and am more social. I stay overnight very occasionally but I certainly wouldn't do it a couple of times a month, I feel it would be unfair to DH. I would get a taxi or DH will pick me up, or I would only have one drink.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/02/2022 10:05

What bit is unfair @WhatATimeToBeAlive?

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/02/2022 10:05

@hellithurt but he is putting a curfew on her really… what if OP doesn’t want to come pre-midnight? It would be early to be leaving a night out. Married woman don’t turn into pumpkins after midnight. And if she dare not come back with him pre-night and stays over at a friends she will have to endure him being huffy with her all day. To me that all feels very manipulative and controlling