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AIBU?

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Original poster

Okay to stay out when married?

554 replies

LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 19:22

So there's a situation with DH which I'm not sure whether he's unreasonable or not or whether it sounds a bit controlling/ what other people are comfortable with.

Basically he isn't really a go outer, he's much more introverted than me. I go out a lot more than he does with friends out into town or local for drinks things like that.

Some of my friends live a decent 20-30 min taxi ride away and so sometimes if it gets quite late (or early in the morning!) I'll think I'll just stay at my friends on their sofa or something. However whenever I suggest this to DH he is never happy about it and thinks I should come home regardless of the time. He really doesn't like the idea of me staying out. Whilst he'd never tell me I couldn't do it, I know he'd be in a bit of a huff the next day if I do.

Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair so I can understand why it makes him a bit nervous. But I'm not her and I feel like he should trust me now. We've been married for 3 years together for 6.

Should I just do what I want in this respect or should I make sure I'm home every time I go out?

OP posts:
hellithurt · 23/02/2022 03:53

@Viviennemary

If a man did this on a regular basis there would be a whole chorus of Ltb. Good old MN double standards again.
Totally agree.

Can you imagine it?

My ex cheated on me by saying he was crashing at a mates on his sofa, I then found out he had an OW.

New DH has started doing the same when the DC are with their DGP. He knows this make me anxious and does it a couple of times a month regardless. These are not pre planned events, he just goes drinks too much then crashes.

It would be an outcry of how UR he is, not taking into account OPs feelings blah blah. He had an alcohol issue.

I've stayed over often at friends pre planned, gone on holidays alone, very occasionally stayed over not pre planned. But twice a month sounds a lot IMHO, especially as it causes friction.

I don't think he sounds "controlling", he just doesn't like that aspect. He's willing to pick you up pre midnight, he's not putting an early curfew on you.

Neenawneenaw76 · 23/02/2022 05:45

I'd tell DH he has a choice and it's his alone to make. If he really doesn't want you to stay over he has to stay up and come and get you. If he decides to go to bed at midnight and not get you then you'll assume he's fine for you to stay out.

mrsrat · 23/02/2022 06:10

Why did you get married so early in life if you still want to go out to after parties ? I didn't have kids until i was 39 because I wasn't ready to settle down . I still go out with my mates once a month but Amy child free time is spent shagging Hubble with no interruptions

hellithurt · 23/02/2022 06:56

@Neenawneenaw76

I'd tell DH he has a choice and it's his alone to make. If he really doesn't want you to stay over he has to stay up and come and get you. If he decides to go to bed at midnight and not get you then you'll assume he's fine for you to stay out.
Can you imagine a man insisting his DW pick him up in the early hours of the morning when he felt good and ready to come home! When he felt like stopping drinking?

So it's like this DW it may be 2 or 3 am, but I want you to wait up and chauffeur me about. I call you when I see fit.

Double standard MN to the extreme.

MinnieJackson · 23/02/2022 06:57

Op said she always tells him if she's staying out.
The kids aren't at home, so he doesn't have to deal with them solo.
They do stuff together.
His insecurities regarding his ex are valid, but OP isn't his ex.
I'm quite shocked at some people thinking a woman in her 20s going on a night out is just to attract attention from men. When you get married you don't just stay at home all the time because you're not allowed to go out with your friends Confused

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 23/02/2022 07:08

Christ. Of course it's okay.

This website is bonkers sometimes. You can be married and want to spend time apart occasionally - it doesn't mean the world is caving in Grin

It's also not OP's job to pander to her husbands' insecurities.

LimeSegment · 23/02/2022 07:23

Thing is, you could cheat without staying out. Either he trusts you or he doesn't. If his ex cheated with someone at her work, would you have to quit your job?

Crazykatie · 23/02/2022 07:30

There is nothing wrong with staying out occasionally if it is planned ahead, maybe a couple of times a year, should not cause problems. If the OP stays out every couple of weeks it will start to erode the marriage, it’s not a question of controlling to expect your partner to come home after a night out

If my partner stayed out overnight regularly I would not be happy at all, it’s the staying out that’s the problem.

phoenixrosehere · 23/02/2022 07:45

OP has said she does it twice a month. The nights the kids are at sleep overs. Wouldn't it be nice to have a few kid free nights and mornings with husband?

Once or twice and her DH likes the alone time.

Why does it shock some that not all couples want to be together 24/7 regardless if they have kids or not or want a house alone to themselves once in awhile. It wasn’t until lockdown that my DH and I spent more than 8 hours together daily and we had been married for seven years and together for 9. He went out almost every weekend including when we had kids. He asked me several times if it was all right and I said yes because it was. I enjoyed having the house to myself while the kids slept. He texted every time to see if I was ok and if I wanted any food.

Her going out isn’t really the issue, his lack of trust is. Anyone can cheat anywhere given the chance. Go down that road there is many opportunities for someone to cheat without it involving going out at night. Anytime a spouse leaves the house can be an opportunity to cheat.

Original poster
LalaOIOI · 23/02/2022 07:53

@Divebar2021

Jesus. Where did all the surrendered women come from? Blessed be the fruit.
May the Lord open 🙏
OP posts:
Original poster
LalaOIOI · 23/02/2022 07:54

OP has said she does it twice a month. The nights the kids are at sleep overs. Wouldn't it be nice to have a few kid free nights and mornings with husband?

Please at least read my posts before replying.

OP posts:
Original poster
LalaOIOI · 23/02/2022 07:58

@PixieLaLa

So when your kids are staying ‘elsewhere’ as you put it, you go on a bender and get pissed. What about spending quality time with your partner? Honestly you sound like a dick and if you were a guy people would be saying the same! Have a bit of self reflection.
Please read my posts. If you can.
OP posts:
Original poster
LalaOIOI · 23/02/2022 07:59

@PixieLaLa

The double standards on MN is hilarious. Can you just imagine if a guy dared to stay out for the night and his partner was at home with a child….bloody hell some people are so self centred on here
Okay so evidently you can't read then. Because I've already explained my children aren't at home.

I'm honestly not going to go over it all again, it's all there in typed words for you to go back and read if you want to.

OP posts:
Original poster
LalaOIOI · 23/02/2022 08:05

@mrsrat

Why did you get married so early in life if you still want to go out to after parties ? I didn't have kids until i was 39 because I wasn't ready to settle down . I still go out with my mates once a month but Amy child free time is spent shagging Hubble with no interruptions
Oh I'm sorry, can you not go to a party when you're married? I honestly hadn't realised. Will my marriage even be legally binding if we didn't include this in the vows?! Worried now.

I guess I should call social services on myself as well and tell them I leave the house when my children are safely with their grandparents. I'm sure they'll drop everything to attend to me immediately.

OP posts:
Original poster
LalaOIOI · 23/02/2022 08:07

So it's like this DW it may be 2 or 3 am, but I want you to wait up and chauffeur me about. I call you when I see fit.

I don't actually expect this. But then I don't think he then gets to insist I get a taxi alone in the middle of the night either if I'm not comfortable with that. If he really wants me home that badly then he can come and get me if he likes.

OP posts:
Original poster
LalaOIOI · 23/02/2022 08:11

Again, for the people who seem incapable of actually reading (there is a see all button under my green posts, it would help if you at least read my posts).

I do not spend every childfree weekend out. Sometimes we do things together. A lot of the time though he prefers to have that time to himself. That's how he likes to spend it. And I don't mind because I enjoy seeing friends. That is how we both like to spend our time. He is not sat at home crying in a dark room because I don't spend any time with him. He doesn't want me there! Gets excited to have the house to himself so he can tinker and watch a film and eat takeaway! He is MORE THAN HAPPY for me to be out.

I do not stay out every single time I go out. Not even half. Sometimes I'm home by 11, sometimes I'm out later. Sometimes he picks me up. Sometimes it it's particularly late I prefer to take a friend's offer of sleeping at theirs instead of getting a taxi by myself.

Can people please stop going on about me staying out twice a month. This is not what happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
LalaOIOI · 23/02/2022 08:12

Oh and for the last time... My children aren't there. He isn't being left doing the morning routine by himself (the horror of a Dad having to deal with his own children by himself in the morning).

OP posts:
DottyDoge · 23/02/2022 08:22

Honestly, would people stop shouting at each other?

A: You're a saddo /slut if you stay out
B: No, you're a saddo / victim of a controlling relationship if you're not out partying.

Some people aren't keen on staying out too late, once they're married, some are. I fall in the former category, just because if one of us were to stay our regularly, it impacts our partners / spouses - someone else has to do the shopping, look after the kids, etc.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/02/2022 08:24

I love my own company but I also love the companionship of being in relationship with someone else whose company I also enjoy. We are very busy during the week and I enjoy spending time relaxing together on a Sunday morning. I’m sorry for you if you haven’t experienced that. It’s a nice thing there's a difference between "tbh we don't get much down time so I like to spend it with DP" and "I get lonely on my oney" imo. But sure, anyone who doesn't mind a quiet Sunday morning to themselves has never known as love as sweet and pure as the love you feel 😂😂

TravellingFrom · 23/02/2022 08:41

@LalaOIOI

To be absolutely clear because some people seem to have missed it... I DON'T STAY OUT EVERY TIME. I do not stay out twice a month, I don't even always go out twice a month. Yes we do things together sometimes but he also loves the opportunity to be home alone. Sometimes he does pick me up, sometimes I'm home by 11, sometimes I'm out later. My point was sometimes I'd find it easier to stay at a friend's rather than get a taxi alone very late.

It wouldn't matter if it was one every year or pre planned, he would not want me to do it.

@LalaOIOI I don’t think anyone can tell you what to do unless you have a chat with him to really understand what he is uncomfortable with. It might well be an irrational fear (you mention he had been cheated on etc…).

But then we all have irrational fears. I mean if you were afraid of heights, you wouldn’t want your DP to put you in a situation where you would see a huge drop in front if you, even a few times a year. In that respect, I think you should take that into account and avoid it until you (together) have found a way to deal with it.

I have to say I’m laughing at all the posters up in arms because you have children. And you repeatedly saying it’s ok because the children are with grand parents. It’s ok for anyone to go out and leave the dcs with the other parent. The world isn’t going to collapse because a mum is going out and is leaving the dcs with dad.

phoenixrosehere · 23/02/2022 08:45

Again, for the people who seem incapable of actually reading (there is a see all button under my green posts, it would help if you at least read my posts).

That’s MN for you unfortunately. Rather add, ignore or project more to a situation than actually comprehend what an OP says. I think it’s pure laziness at this point when the see all button is not that hard to spot.

chiiipsandsalad · 23/02/2022 08:51

Occasionally I wouldn't have a problem with it at all.

If it's a regular thing, like most times you go out, I wouldn't be happy. Not because of not trusting you but because we are a family unit with kids and it isn't fair to always be staying out and leaving the weekend morning to the other parent.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/02/2022 08:52

I don't even stay over at my parents. Since getting married, we make it a priority to spend time together and get ready for bed. Never would I consider staying somewhere else and not being in the same bed as him, neither does he.
How long have you been married @rainbowmix? Seriously no sleepover hen do, no girls weekend, no holiday with old uni mates or school mates for a catch up? No work trips or holidays with family alone?

SleepingStandingUp · 23/02/2022 08:53

@chiiipsandsalad

Occasionally I wouldn't have a problem with it at all.

If it's a regular thing, like most times you go out, I wouldn't be happy. Not because of not trusting you but because we are a family unit with kids and it isn't fair to always be staying out and leaving the weekend morning to the other parent.

The Kids Aren't There
TravellingFrom · 23/02/2022 08:53

Fwiw, the comments about ‘if you were a man and you were staying out for the night….’ are worth thinking about. Because they might give you a clue on how your DP is thinking and feeling.

Many women on MN are getting worried because their DP isn’t coming back home and ‘stayed with friends’. Usually these men let their DW know at the last minute or way after they have gone to bed.
They are worried about who they have spent the night with. They are wondering at what time they will turn up and which state they will be when coming back home.

Now I know All the stuff you do is above board. But those comments might be a good starting point on what to ask your dp.
Maybe he is worried about you having an affair (which was your starting point).
But he might also feel it’s disrespectful because you should be sleeping at your own house (regardless of whether you agree with that idea or not!).
He might feel he is left with dealing with the dcs/the house/you hangover too often.
He might just be anxious and unable to sleep well until you are back home because he is worried about your safety.
If he is really anxious about you staying over at some friends, it might also be that this is at the back if his mind every single time you go out. Is she going to stay at someone else or coming back? Etc….

Basically have a chat with him to see WHAT is an issue for him. It might be just the cheating he experienced before. It might more than that. It might be something different you hadn’t talked about.