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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Okay to stay out when married?

554 replies

LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 19:22

So there's a situation with DH which I'm not sure whether he's unreasonable or not or whether it sounds a bit controlling/ what other people are comfortable with.

Basically he isn't really a go outer, he's much more introverted than me. I go out a lot more than he does with friends out into town or local for drinks things like that.

Some of my friends live a decent 20-30 min taxi ride away and so sometimes if it gets quite late (or early in the morning!) I'll think I'll just stay at my friends on their sofa or something. However whenever I suggest this to DH he is never happy about it and thinks I should come home regardless of the time. He really doesn't like the idea of me staying out. Whilst he'd never tell me I couldn't do it, I know he'd be in a bit of a huff the next day if I do.

Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair so I can understand why it makes him a bit nervous. But I'm not her and I feel like he should trust me now. We've been married for 3 years together for 6.

Should I just do what I want in this respect or should I make sure I'm home every time I go out?

OP posts:
Lovesacake · 23/02/2022 00:20

@SleepingStandingUp

I’d feel a bit lonely on the Sunday mornings can you really bare your own company so little?
@sleepingstandingup Nope, I love my own company but I also love the companionship of being in relationship with someone else whose company I also enjoy. We are very busy during the week and I enjoy spending time relaxing together on a Sunday morning. I’m sorry for you if you haven’t experienced that. It’s a nice thing.
PixieLaLa · 23/02/2022 00:24

The double standards on MN is hilarious. Can you just imagine if a guy dared to stay out for the night and his partner was at home with a child….bloody hell some people are so self centred on here

OshaOsha · 23/02/2022 00:28

Can you just imagine if a guy dared to stay out for the night and his partner was at home with a child…

Not everyone has the same opinion. I absolutely don't care if my partner stays out with friends, except he doesn't drink, never has, completely dry, so he doesn't do the whole "meeting friends for drinks" and nights out etc.

I would like my partner to stay out some nights tbh, as I get the house and bed to myself Confused

OshaOsha · 23/02/2022 00:30

We are very busy during the week and I enjoy spending time relaxing together on a Sunday morning. I’m sorry for you if you haven’t experienced that. It’s a nice thing.

It is lovely, I agree. That doesn't mean I have to spend every Sunday morning doing it. You have your entire lives together presumably and would get upset if you missed a few Sundays? I find that sad myself.

PixieLaLa · 23/02/2022 00:39

@OshaOsha why are you so weirdly over invested in this thread? I wonder if your the OP on another account Grin

buddylicious · 23/02/2022 00:41

Whilst we should be able to do what we want when we are married, you have to appreciate that he's been cheated on previously in exactly the same situation.

Possibly you need to have an open discussion with him about doing this gradually or only staying out when it's been discussed in advance (at this stage).

Lovesacake · 23/02/2022 00:42

There’s missing a few sundays (which obviously happens in the normal course of things anyway) and then there’s having a partner who regularly stays out all night unexpectedly on a Saturday night and isn’t around on a Sunday morning. I’m not judging anyone who does that, I couldn’t care less what anyone else does with their weekends, but I’ve just said it’s not what I’d want in my partner. That’s ok isn’t it? Or am I supposed to pretend I’d be fine with it even though I wouldn’t?

Lovesacake · 23/02/2022 00:45

@Lovesacake

There’s missing a few sundays (which obviously happens in the normal course of things anyway) and then there’s having a partner who regularly stays out all night unexpectedly on a Saturday night and isn’t around on a Sunday morning. I’m not judging anyone who does that, I couldn’t care less what anyone else does with their weekends, but I’ve just said it’s not what I’d want in my partner. That’s ok isn’t it? Or am I supposed to pretend I’d be fine with it even though I wouldn’t?
This was @OshaOsha Also I literally don’t care if you think I’m sad, I’m not here for your approval
psychomath · 23/02/2022 00:45

Except he's not at home with a child, is he PixieLaLa? 🙄 If you actually read the thread you'd know OP is a wanton harlot who foists her children on her beleaguered inlaws while she goes out to shriek at men with all her wastrel friends Grin

OP, if it's his irrational fear of you cheating that's the problem and he's otherwise fine with you being out, do you think it might help if you agree to call him or send a picture or something as evidence that you really are with your friend(s)? Don't get me wrong, I think this is 100% his issue to deal with and you shouldn't have to prove anything, but unpicking all his psychological hangups is likely to be a slow and complex process and a practical solution might mean less grief for yourself in the meantime. Depemds how strongly you feel about the principle, I guess.

psychomath · 23/02/2022 00:47

I wonder if your the OP on another account

I doubt it, seeing as OP seems like one of the few people on this thread who actually has a life.

Chonfox · 23/02/2022 00:59

I have done this but one or twice a year - not a month. I wouldn't like it if my husband did this with such regularity, it's like living like a student and I feel we're past that stage when we have young DC. You are still quite young though so I do get it in a way, I was still doing this at your age but I didn't have DC so it seems different.

OshaOsha · 23/02/2022 00:59

why are you so weirdly over invested in this thread? I wonder if your the OP on another account grin

Because I had an ex who was genuinely controlling about this type of thing, and the idea that it's not right when you're married is truly shocking to me. It's not an idea I've ever come across.

Plus I'm up late and can't sleep Grin I'm also on a pubic hair thread, so don't worry, it's not just this one

PixieLaLa · 23/02/2022 01:04

@OshaOsha fair-a-muff Grin

Lovesacake · 23/02/2022 01:23

@OshaOsha I think it’s fair to say that it’s not right for some married people, but it’s fine for others as this thread demonstrates. I don’t know if marriage even has anything to do with it, I think for any couple who are cohabiting in a long term relationship they will have to establish what their norms and boundaries are in terms of things like this and as long as both parties are happy then who is anyone else to judge. But if, as in ops case, they aren’t happy then they need to either find a compromise or decide if it’s a dealbreaker for them

rainbowmix · 23/02/2022 01:26

@LalaOIOI

So there's a situation with DH which I'm not sure whether he's unreasonable or not or whether it sounds a bit controlling/ what other people are comfortable with.

Basically he isn't really a go outer, he's much more introverted than me. I go out a lot more than he does with friends out into town or local for drinks things like that.

Some of my friends live a decent 20-30 min taxi ride away and so sometimes if it gets quite late (or early in the morning!) I'll think I'll just stay at my friends on their sofa or something. However whenever I suggest this to DH he is never happy about it and thinks I should come home regardless of the time. He really doesn't like the idea of me staying out. Whilst he'd never tell me I couldn't do it, I know he'd be in a bit of a huff the next day if I do.

Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair so I can understand why it makes him a bit nervous. But I'm not her and I feel like he should trust me now. We've been married for 3 years together for 6.

Should I just do what I want in this respect or should I make sure I'm home every time I go out?

I don't even stay over at my parents. Since getting married, we make it a priority to spend time together and get ready for bed. Never would I consider staying somewhere else and not being in the same bed as him, neither does he.
Redruby2020 · 23/02/2022 01:33

@purplehairlady

Yes, I would personally always go home even if late (& I would not like DH staying out like that either).

Are you young? Unless quite young, this feels like behaviour more suited to uni age or early 20s.

It's not the type of behaviour that works if you have kids, so if you two are talking about having a family, this type of behaviour would be a red flag for me roles reversed.

But what if you are separated with kids but not young, are you not allowed to let your hair down whilst DC is with the other parent 🤔
YukoandHiro · 23/02/2022 01:36

It's more the staying out when you have children that I think is a bit weird. It's very unfair on him, to leave the whole morning routine to him because you went out on the lash the night before.

BottleOfSun · 23/02/2022 01:44

My husband doesn’t care what I do aslong as I’m safe, but I would say twice a month is quite regular. Might help if you prearrange to stay over too, he probably would feel reassured if he knew who’s house you are going back to (if he’s been cheated on previously his mind in bound to go to worst case scenario)

If this was reversed and a man was staying out all night twice a month mumsnet would say LTB.

Fizzorgin · 23/02/2022 01:44

I honestly don't get what the problem is here albeit I've not RTFT but did do the first 100 or so responses. Crashing at a mates seems to me to be the sensible thing to do Hmm

redbigbananafeet · 23/02/2022 02:26

@LuckySantangelo35

Especially as the OP has stated it’s not even every week, or even every month!
She said up to twice a month
SnowFlo · 23/02/2022 02:31

It's very unfair on him, to leave the whole morning routine to him because you went out on the lash the night before.

I don't think it is. Parents should be able to cope with doing the morning routine alone sometimes. If he has an issue with it, he could always tell OP he is having quiet time to himself of a morning so can do it herself at times too.

But then, OP said the kids aren't at home with him

redbigbananafeet · 23/02/2022 02:32

@OshaOsha

We are very busy during the week and I enjoy spending time relaxing together on a Sunday morning. I’m sorry for you if you haven’t experienced that. It’s a nice thing.

It is lovely, I agree. That doesn't mean I have to spend every Sunday morning doing it. You have your entire lives together presumably and would get upset if you missed a few Sundays? I find that sad myself.

OP has said she does it twice a month. The nights the kids are at sleep overs. Wouldn't it be nice to have a few kid free nights and mornings with husband?
Oswin · 23/02/2022 03:02

The op said she goes out once a month. Sometimes twice. She didnt say she stays out those times.

Hydrate · 23/02/2022 03:13

It is between you and your dh to discuss. Everybody has different boundaries for personal reasons, a couple should come to a plan both are comfortable with.

You both are insecure about different things, neither are unreasonable.

Are you nervous of the driver getting in an accident, or assaulting you?

cookiemonster2468 · 23/02/2022 03:17

Well there isn't any expected way to behave "when married", that is entirely defined by you and your spouse.

It sounds like he has a hang up from a previous relationship and doesn't trust you fully, so you need to talk about that and find a way forwards.