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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Okay to stay out when married?

554 replies

LalaOIOI · 22/02/2022 19:22

So there's a situation with DH which I'm not sure whether he's unreasonable or not or whether it sounds a bit controlling/ what other people are comfortable with.

Basically he isn't really a go outer, he's much more introverted than me. I go out a lot more than he does with friends out into town or local for drinks things like that.

Some of my friends live a decent 20-30 min taxi ride away and so sometimes if it gets quite late (or early in the morning!) I'll think I'll just stay at my friends on their sofa or something. However whenever I suggest this to DH he is never happy about it and thinks I should come home regardless of the time. He really doesn't like the idea of me staying out. Whilst he'd never tell me I couldn't do it, I know he'd be in a bit of a huff the next day if I do.

Now I know it's a little bit of a sore subject as this is exactly what his ex wife did, told him she was staying with a friend and was actually having an affair so I can understand why it makes him a bit nervous. But I'm not her and I feel like he should trust me now. We've been married for 3 years together for 6.

Should I just do what I want in this respect or should I make sure I'm home every time I go out?

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 22/02/2022 23:27

@mummykel16 I don’t! I just don’t understand all the derision towards OP for preferring to stay at a friends house after a night out rather than make her way home on her own. I genuinely do not see the issue with it.

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/02/2022 23:28

Especially as the OP has stated it’s not even every week, or even every month!

mummykel16 · 22/02/2022 23:37

@lisaandalan

I would not like it if my husband did it, so therefore would not do it myself. X
Sums it up
mummykel16 · 22/02/2022 23:39

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@mummykel16 I don’t! I just don’t understand all the derision towards OP for preferring to stay at a friends house after a night out rather than make her way home on her own. I genuinely do not see the issue with it.[/quote]
It doesn't matter what any of us think or say but it does matter how her oh feels, probably should have been sorted before marriage and kids

SleepingStandingUp · 22/02/2022 23:39

If OP is awful for crashing on the sofa / spare bed / other half of her mates double, where do posters stand on weekends away with friends?

AhNowTed · 22/02/2022 23:43

I've been with my DH since teens, so 40 years.

I think our marriage just might survive a few nights on a friends sofa.

Divebar2021 · 22/02/2022 23:44

Jesus. Where did all the surrendered women come from? Blessed be the fruit.

OrganisedChaos22 · 22/02/2022 23:44

I would always always go home. Unless it was say, a night in a hotel for a hen or something which has never happened and tbh I'd probably not go.
I feel anxious if away or something.

However I have a married friend who stays out loads rather than a £40 taxi fare home. She doesn't drive. Her dh picks her up the next day

Your dh seems like he's tarnishing you with the same brush

OshaOsha · 22/02/2022 23:45

dare I say, eyeing up the odd attractive male even from a distance and betting who'll go up to get the next round and stand next to him.
Don't tell me no-one does this. They do, married or not. Out of sight and all that. Harmless fun. 🙄

I am 26. I don't go out to eye up guys at bars, I go out to enjoy being with my friends, have a dance, and a drink. On the rare occasion I have been approached, I have always knocked them down. Can't say I've ever "had bets with friends on who will go and get a drink and stand next to the hot guy". Even my single friends aren't hooking up with random guys on our nights out, I've never had it happen. I've had friends bring their own date out with them, but that's it. We just enjoy our time, then go back to one of our houses and enjoy ourselves some more.

What you've described sounds more like teenage girls to me.

Mistressiggi · 22/02/2022 23:47

My late MIL, bless her, once told me that married women should not go out without their husbands on a Saturday night. That was what Friday nights were for.
She was totally serious about this.
People have all sorts of ideas about how women should behave.

OshaOsha · 22/02/2022 23:47

probably should have been sorted before marriage and kids

It wouldn't occur to me to bring up to a potential partner that I would still like to go out overnight sometimes when it's viable with my friends or cousins etc. It wouldn't occur to me because that's normal behaviour in my book, I wouldn't think it's something I need to check he's OK with.

Mistressiggi · 22/02/2022 23:49

If OP's dh's ex had had the affair with someone from her gym, would he expect Op not to exercise? Etc etc

WonderfulYou · 22/02/2022 23:50

Wait till the posters hear that I work in a male dominated field and often stay in hotels with actual men.

And don't cook 😂

ShockShockShock

How dare you!
Go home to your husband and rub his feet and don’t ever work or have any friends.
You are a wife not a human being!

Liveandkicking · 22/02/2022 23:51

@LalaOIOI

And yes I always tell him if I'm going to stay somewhere. Id never just not turn up home.

It sounds regular but it's probably about once a month maybe twice I go out and I won't always be staying out every time.

One or twice a month staying overnight somewhere else is pretty frequent. It’s not something my DH and do and I’d be a bit Hmm if he wanted to that often to be honest.
Lovesacake · 22/02/2022 23:51

I have to admit whilst logically I agree with you op in reality I wouldn’t like it much if my partner regularly stayed out all night, I’m not sure why because I trust him and it is something we both do on the odd occasion, but it’s always pre planned. I think if he frequently went out on a Saturday night and didn’t come home all night I’d feel a bit lonely on the Sunday mornings

SleepingStandingUp · 22/02/2022 23:54

I’d feel a bit lonely on the Sunday mornings can you really bare your own company so little?

OshaOsha · 22/02/2022 23:55

My grandmother is in her 70s and even she doesn't have this uptight idea about what married people should do. If I said to her that my husband expected me to come home every time I went out, when I could just save money and come back in the morning, she would not have positive words to say about him. Wine Cheers granny.

I don't know where people get these ideas from about it not being proper behaviour when you're married or have kids.

mummykel16 · 22/02/2022 23:56

@OshaOsha

probably should have been sorted before marriage and kids

It wouldn't occur to me to bring up to a potential partner that I would still like to go out overnight sometimes when it's viable with my friends or cousins etc. It wouldn't occur to me because that's normal behaviour in my book, I wouldn't think it's something I need to check he's OK with.

Yet here we are
mummykel16 · 22/02/2022 23:58

This must have been the same before the marriage and children.

Couldn't have been a deal breaker then

Teenagehorrorbag · 23/02/2022 00:03

Totally not unreasonable. As long as he knows the friends and you message to say 'staying at x's tonight' before he goes to bed, then he really shouldn't have an issue.

Do you think he really has a luck of trust because of his ex, or is he just a bit controlling? If the former, maybe send him a pic of you with your mates at whoever's house, to 'prove' where you are? (You shouldn't have to of course, but perhaps it would help him relax).

And you're never too old for a night out and - if necessary - to crash at a friend's. I'm a lot older than you, and have teenagers, but DH would never object if I did that. (Mostly we do stuff together because he likes socialising too, but when I am out with the girls he'd have no problem with a last minute stay-out).

Newgalintown · 23/02/2022 00:11

@LalaOIOI

And yes I always tell him if I'm going to stay somewhere. Id never just not turn up home.

It sounds regular but it's probably about once a month maybe twice I go out and I won't always be staying out every time.

I don't like it if DH stays out, not a trust thing just prefer him home rather than a night out becoming the best part of a weekend. 1/2 times a month seems pretty regular to me if you gave young children. If they're not home wouldn't you rather take the opportunity to go out with DH? It's each to their own but my opinion is YABU.
PixieLaLa · 23/02/2022 00:13

So when your kids are staying ‘elsewhere’ as you put it, you go on a bender and get pissed. What about spending quality time with your partner? Honestly you sound like a dick and if you were a guy people would be saying the same! Have a bit of self reflection.

OshaOsha · 23/02/2022 00:16

So when your kids are staying ‘elsewhere’ as you put it, you go on a bender and get pissed. What about spending quality time with your partner?

She has already said that her partner has said he enjoys her being out of the house as he likes his alone time.

He does not care that she is out drinking. It's only the staying at a friend's house that is the issue, not her choice of leisure and social activity. Hmm

OshaOsha · 23/02/2022 00:17

You sound like a much bigger dick to me Pixie, but there we go.

Simonjt · 23/02/2022 00:19

@PixieLaLa

So when your kids are staying ‘elsewhere’ as you put it, you go on a bender and get pissed. What about spending quality time with your partner? Honestly you sound like a dick and if you were a guy people would be saying the same! Have a bit of self reflection.
Shock horror, some of us manage to spend time with our friends and our partners, who knew that was a possibility
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