AIBU- No overnight stays

[Satsuma2019]

Hello, me and my DH are on different pages with regards to sleepovers at grandparents (or anybody really) house. My MIL and my mum have asked a few times and I have said no because tbh I don’t really see what they are gaining by having them sleep. I’m more than happy to drop DDs off at their house for them to spend the day whilst I get on with some errands and pick them up at a convenient time. My MIL thinks I’m being selfish but I think since I’ve done all the hard parts like night feeds, teething and the troublesome twos without any help and the DDs are now easier to watch, why shouldn’t I reap the rewards and enjoy their time rather than palming them off. Plus if I say yes to one then how can I say no to everyone else and then what time will I get to spend with them?

Aibu?

OP I must be honest here and say I LOVED going to stay at my grandparents house. For the children it’s Annan adventure, it’s something different. I had my special bed and toys that were at my grandparents house….it was fun!

Obviously I don’t know your relationships with them. But I do find it hard to understand why you are so dead set against it? Did you never have a sleepover as a child?

It wasn’t like 8 went away every other weekend to my grandparents, to be honest it was probably once every school holiday if that. They were an hour away so we would make it a two day or two night trip and we would also go out to places.

Personally, I think you’re being a bit unreasonable. You should also be careful because there’s benefit to getting your children used to sleeping somewhere else without you present in case of emergency or other event.

Is it just anxiety that you won’t be there or do you just feel it’s a waste of time? On the surface it seems like a bit of a sad decision tbh.

@Satsuma2019

I just don’t understand how they can be so little involved during the tough parts and suddenly want to be so involved now that the children are more interesting that’s what I meant in my OP by reaping the rewards. Obviously it seems I’m being unreasonable but based on my parents, my in laws and siblings all offering to have DDs overnight I don’t think it’s extreme to think it will be a constant thing being badgered.

You’ve answered your own question - babies are cute but pretty boring, toddlers are hard work, why would they subject themselves to that, having done it all before, when they don’t need to, and are under no obligation to?

What a strange thread. Let your kids have a sleepover and enjoy a lie in. It might do you good...

Sorry if you are feeling sad at parting with your children for a night or two.
If the children would like to have a sleepover you shouldnt imho stop them just because you feel you want their company. On the other hand they shouldnt do it just because the grandmother wants them to stay.

@Satsuma2019

But they could spend quality time with the grandchildren during the day. I just don’t see what quality time they would be getting when the children are asleep? Plus we don’t live locally to parents so would then have to drive back the next day to collect the next morning. We do bend over backwards so everyone has a fair amount of time with our DDs but I just think it’s unfair to be digged at and called selfish over something I’m not completely comfortable with …

Ahh. So it’s not the time. The day. Nothing to be gained etc

It’s the fact that you’re not comfortable with it

Which is perfectly fine

But call a spade a spade.

Obviously it’s your call but it sounds like you are cutting of your nose to spite your face. You just sound like you want to punish the GPs for being less interested earlier on.

This ☝️

If you had concerns about how well they would care for your DC and didn't trust them, that's a different thing altogether. But it really doesn't come across like that. Maybe your DH just wants the 2 of you to have some quality time together? My 2 DC do sleepovers with GP's probably 3-4 times a year from when they were nearly 3yo. They absolutely love it, get spoilt rotten and get used to going to sleep without me or DH there. And we get a lovely 18 hours to ourselves. It's win-win-win!

It’s not about you and your struggle when DC were younger. You clearly trust the GP otherwise you wouldn’t leave them during the day. What you’re saying is you’re punishing the GP and DC because they didn’t offer sooner. It’s a different matter if you’re concerned for DC’s safety.
I loved the time spent with my grandparents. My DC had a lovely relationship with my parents up until their deaths. I’d never have denied them that time. You seem to be missing the ways this would be beneficial.

Well I must be strange then
My colicky teething 5 month old grandson is staying this weekend for the first time as his parents are having the first night away since his birth.
And I'm the MIL.
I'm predicting I'll get no sleep and spend the night walking up and down soothing him and cuddling him. I can't wait!
But my DIL loves me and totally trusts me with the wee one.
YABVU

You chose to be involved, these grandparents didn’t including not really calling, seeing how their grandchildren were or seeing them much in those days.

@Abraxan

Yes, but the mother should have the final say, obviously.

Why?
Mum and dad ought to be equal parents (ideally, obviously different in some situations) so neither has a greater say than the other.

Absolutely! People on here shout for equal rights etc etc etc etc for fathers...except when it suits them, obviously

@Satsuma2019 I get where you're coming from and understand why you're annoyed, but I honestly think you're only going to resolve this by addressing the underlying issue, which seems to be that - I'm assuming it's your in-laws? - your in laws were very unsupportive and disengaged when you were struggling. That's the problem here, the sleepover issue is only a symptom.

Are your own parents out of the picture? Is that one reason why this is difficult for you? My mother was dying when my kids were babies, I know I sometimes resented my mother in law for being in good health and having years of granny-time to look forward to. And my MIL is a nice woman who was always kind to me - if she'd called me selfish I think I would have booted her down the street 😅

I'd jump at the chance of my children going for a sleepover. Unfortunately none of my family are interested in doing anything like that. Be really grateful OP however in saying that they are your children so your choice if you want them to stay overnight or not

So you’re punishing your kids because you feel your parents and PIL should have helped you with night feeds?

You are sounding very controlling.

It’s your child so of course you should do the hard parts.

Don’t deny your kids fun because you have done weird issue that you don’t want your parents/PIL to have fun with your kids.

Oh and to make you feel better they would still find a young child quite difficult to have at a sleepover.

I think so fondly back to spending a week with my granny. I had family problems which meant my other grandparents didn’t give a shit. So me being loved and cared for by a family member. Ahh. Even now I absolutely adored those times with her.

I couldn’t imagine not letting my children go and gain memories like I did.

YABU.

Unless there are safeguarding or safety concerns, just go with it.

People and circumstances change all the time. Just go with this one… it’s normal and lovely.

Well your kids are more interesting now! Sorry that they didn't find staring at a blub of a baby all that engaging.

Not helpful. Not in the least.

Interestingly enough that tedious, 'blub of a baby' stage was the only time of DC's life in which DH's parents maintained anything resembling regular contact.

As soon as they'd passed the 'cute' baby stage, they were no longer interested.

Sleepovers at my grandparents houses were some of my best childhood memories. They don’t HAVE to stay over, but they won’t be making new life long memories by sleeping yet another night at home will they.

My mother demanded my baby at 3 days old (the day I got out of hospital)
She went loony when I said ‘no’ and refused to have her or any of her siblings out of pure spite
There where times I was on my knees with everything-daft thing is I was brought up by my granddad and have so many good memories of our time together
My other grandparents didn’t want to know us so no real memories there-their loss

My lot did go to stay with a good friend of mine who adored them-but she didn’t get the awful bits-that was for me as their mum-they had a blast getting spoilt rotten and staying up late

Kids get so much out of staying with people who are not their parents-I’m having a friends daughter to stay over soon and both of us can’t wait

They’re your children do whatever you’re comfortable with and don’t feel bad, enjoy them! Maybe you will take them up on their offer when the DC are a bit older, but do whatever you are comfortable with for now. You don’t owe anyone anything.

Obviously it’s your call but it sounds like you are cutting of your nose to spite your face.
You just sound like you want to punish the GPs for being less interested earlier on.

I agree!
And I don’t think it’s even a case of GPS not being interested but most very young children don’t like to be away from their parents or the parents are uncomfortable with them sleeping out, so they’ve waited until they’re at an age that’s more suitable.

My parents have my Dd twice a week. I realise how lucky I am. It's mid week both nights.

My mum gets to "mother" her granddaughter my dad plays games with her on the VR.

We are very close.

It gives me a chance to get the house straight, catch up on washing etc and my Dd and my parents love their time with DD.

I trust them completely

It works for us.

@ExtraOnion

What’s this “your child your choice” stuff. The children are only the OPs, not her OHs.

TBH, I’ve read some pathetic moans on this site, but this takes the biscuit. “I did the baby stuff” “I did the night feeds” - so what ? You get to dictate what happens next. Get down off your cross, as someone else needs the wood.

You are selfish in that you are denying your children of the opportunity if spending quality time with thier grandparents and vice versa - and your reasoning is “because I’ve done all the hard work” .. that’s it ?? There are no safeguarding issues, just your selfish attitude.

I am hoping this is a journalist fishing for a story, because it’s utterly tragic

This - about sums it up!

You are being selfish and precious about your kids. I don’t understand why you don’t want them spending more time and bonding with grandparents; unless you don’t trust them.

What are you going to do when they want sleepovers with their friends?

The more relationships they build the better for when they are older.

rather than palming them off.

It isn't palming your kids off to allow them to have sleepovers at their grandparent's house fgs.

I lived with my nan and her other grandkids (my cousins) loved coming to stay at nanny's.

I really don't see how could there be a down side.

Do you think it's "palming them off" if a parent were to have a night out with friends once in a blue moon?

I'd love it. I'd get a nice lie-in the morning before I went to collect them and a kid-free evening. I love my kids, but the odd break day/night isn't detrimental to anyone. Your kids would probably enjoy it.

Your first post reads like your children’s sole purpose in life is to entertain others. Isn’t it important what they want? Why don’t you just ask them if they want to sleep over?

The fact that this is even a conversation is baffling. If your GPS haven't really made an effort and are starting to make one now, why are you mad about it? I'd be thankful that they are now showing up and offering and being consistent. That's the most important thing here.

If you're so bothered by their lack of consistency and communication then raise that with them and be open and upfront.

You don't have to agree to having them overnight, but your reasons are quite hilarious and if you do sound very childish.

You're all adults. Have a conversation.... you know, communicate?