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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- No overnight stays

363 replies

Satsuma2019 · 22/02/2022 18:06

Hello, me and my DH are on different pages with regards to sleepovers at grandparents (or anybody really) house. My MIL and my mum have asked a few times and I have said no because tbh I don’t really see what they are gaining by having them sleep. I’m more than happy to drop DDs off at their house for them to spend the day whilst I get on with some errands and pick them up at a convenient time. My MIL thinks I’m being selfish but I think since I’ve done all the hard parts like night feeds, teething and the troublesome twos without any help and the DDs are now easier to watch, why shouldn’t I reap the rewards and enjoy their time rather than palming them off. Plus if I say yes to one then how can I say no to everyone else and then what time will I get to spend with them?

Aibu?

OP posts:
DickMabutt73962 · 22/02/2022 19:32

@rogueone

DickMabutt73962 well my inlaws did enjoy the 'blub' of a baby. Enjoyed having us over and staying at weekends and MIL would jump up to take baby in the morning to let me have a rest. It was my favourite breaks as I new I would get support. I wasnt looking for anyone to wake during the night but having a lie in was brill, food made etc was all part of support.
Of course many do enjoy babies (as do I) I was just making the point to OP that maybe her parents didn't, which is ok
oblada · 22/02/2022 19:32

@Satsuma2019

I’m not bitter at doing the hard parts. I never asked for help and just got on with it with little help from DH too. But DGPs had very little contact during this period. Was never really bothered about visiting etc they were offered quality time but always had a reason why they couldn’t see us and now suddenly they want phone calls every day, visits every week and now sleepovers. Just a bit convenient it’s now that the children are easier they want to be involved Blush
Well....yes what not? They are grandparents not parents. They get to pick and choose what they want, surely that's part of the deal? I never expected my parents or MIL to handle the shit times with my kids and I'm happy that no my kids are easier and can spend quality time with them. You have add way of looking at things.
worriedatthemoment · 22/02/2022 19:32

@mummykel16 very sexist attitude and also assuming many parents both parent the child , if one is a sahm then yes they will look after them more by default
Your point wouldn't stand up in a court of law if parents split mums don't automatically get all the say just because they gave birth

oblada · 22/02/2022 19:32

"an odd" not "add"

Darbs76 · 22/02/2022 19:32

Having a strong relationship with a grandparent is really important and staying overnight of course helps with that. I think you are being unreasonable yes

findingsomeone · 22/02/2022 19:32

I predict my PIL will be far more interested in DD when she isn't in nappies and can have a conversation. Trouble is I don't think she will be very interested in them by that point, because they've spent practically no time with her in her little life so far.

I 100% get where you are coming from by them not being there for the shit bits. They sound like good time Charlie's. No thanks...

joliefolle · 22/02/2022 19:33

YANBU to feel resentful. You could try to gently get that off your chest with your parents and let them know why it rankles so much that they are now calling you selfish. I think your resentment will fester if you don't communicate that in a non-aggressive way. And then let them do a sleepover every now and then, when it suits you, and plan something really nice for yourself on those evenings that you don't get to do when you are enjoying your time with your lovely DDs. And get the GPs to drop the kids back or DH to pick them up. It should be a treat for you.

phoenixrosehere · 22/02/2022 19:33

I’m not bitter at doing the hard parts. I never asked for help and just got on with it with little help from DH too. But DGPs had very little contact during this period. Was never really bothered about visiting etc they were offered quality time but always had a reason why they couldn’t see us and now suddenly they want phone calls every day, visits every week and now sleepovers. Just a bit convenient it’s now that the children are easier they want to be involved

Yea. I wouldn’t be handing them over either if GPS weren’t bothered to be there when they were younger.

mummykel16 · 22/02/2022 19:33

@saraclara

At some point a decision must be made, mom should get final say.

I'd love to know your reasoning for this thinking @mummykel16

My reasoning would be the mother carries the child gives birth to the child and most likely looks after the child the most, there may be exceptions but it's a good general rule.
needmoreshinys · 22/02/2022 19:34

@Satsuma2019

I’m not bitter at doing the hard parts. I never asked for help and just got on with it with little help from DH too. But DGPs had very little contact during this period. Was never really bothered about visiting etc they were offered quality time but always had a reason why they couldn’t see us and now suddenly they want phone calls every day, visits every week and now sleepovers. Just a bit convenient it’s now that the children are easier they want to be involved Blush
I get this, but its also up the grandparents about what they think they can manage, my mum refused to look after DS alone when he was going through his I am trying to kill myself in the most interesting way as soon as you blink phase, she just couldn't keep up with him.

Whereas my sister loved it and would take him out for fun days out,

If you are not comfortable with them going for sleepovers, say no, but you are going to have to explain to your husband why no and hope he agrees with you, otherwise you are always going to butt heads on it

Original poster
Satsuma2019 · 22/02/2022 19:34

I never expected the DGPs to do night feeds etc but a phone call here and there to find out how they’re doing or how we’re doing would have been nice especially as now the kids are older this is what’s expected. They call every day now. I’m not complaining at doing the night feeds teething etc but how comes we were never invited round for visits during this time but now suddenly we are. I just think being a grandparent should be consistent not a pick and choose situation.

OP posts:
Doratheexploret · 22/02/2022 19:34

My kids have never stayed at their grandparents. They’ve never wanted to. However I don’t really get on with either my parents or my husbands. If I had a better relationship with my parents I wouldn’t have an issue with it.

FavouriteFortnight · 22/02/2022 19:34

Obviously it’s your call but it sounds like you are cutting of your nose to spite your face. You just sound like you want to punish the GPs for being less interested earlier on.

I would dearly love for our GPs to be more involved with our DC, both because of the opportunity for my DC to build that relationship (all my GPs died before I was born so I never had the opportunity), and because I the chance for a child free evening with DH and a lie in NEVER happens.

You don’t know how lucky you are.

EvilPea · 22/02/2022 19:34

I had the best time sleeping over at my grandmothers. Midnight feasts (at about 8.30), massive breakfasts of our choice. All sleeping in her big bed. Using her fancy toiletries, watching blind date / Noel’s house party together
It was THE best

Mine never have slept over but that’s because no grandparent wants them. It means they’d never slept away from home until the year 6 trip. So that was tricky for one of them, the other way fine.

stimpyyouidiot · 22/02/2022 19:35

Unless you have a reason to not trust them, I'd probably take advantage of the offer!

Darbs76 · 22/02/2022 19:36

Your question about them not being interested during the tough bits, this is completely normal. Many grandparents would like to take the kids from 3 onwards when it’s a bit easier. That’s completely normal.

romany4 · 22/02/2022 19:37

Well I must be strange then
My colicky teething 5 month old grandson is staying this weekend for the first time as his parents are having the first night away since his birth.
And I'm the MIL.
I'm predicting I'll get no sleep and spend the night walking up and down soothing him and cuddling him. I can't wait!
But my DIL loves me and totally trusts me with the wee one.
YABVU

worriedatthemoment · 22/02/2022 19:37

@Satsuma2019 you never said this in oroginal OP though and your dh seems keen
Maybe you need to say to them why its now a no as you feel they weren't there at the beginning, maybe they may have a valid reason why and can explain or maybe not
What so your daughters want to so as ultimately if they don't even want to go then it would be pointless anyway

oblada · 22/02/2022 19:38

At the end of the day you should really think about what's best for the children.
Loads of people struggle to be interested in other kids before the talking stage, thats just life. My parents and MIL were around and interested I suppose but not much help until kids got older.

blueoranges · 22/02/2022 19:38

How old are they? What do they want to do? Have you even asked them? Given you and DH can't decide between you I'd let them decide.
We give DD the choice, she's 2.5, she loves staying at GP's house but she's chosen not to a few times.

Coffeepot72 · 22/02/2022 19:38

It’s entirely up to you OP, you don’t need to justify yourself

Ganymedemoon · 22/02/2022 19:38

I absolutely loved my sleepovers at my Grandfathers! Loved waking up in his home and having breakfast with him. What I would do for my kids to have that, but not possible for us.

It's really up to you and your DH to find a compromise. I really cannot see a problem. You mention that the GPs only getting the good bits while you did all the hard work, well that's the difference with GPs and parents. Your parents did all the hard work with you so why not let them just enjoy the lovely bits with their grandkids, that's the best part of been a GP!

Maybe agree to a trial and see how it goes and how you feel after?

theremustonlybeone · 22/02/2022 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummykel16 · 22/02/2022 19:39

I'm giving my opinion I'm in no way saying it's law.

UnCivil · 22/02/2022 19:39

I remember a few occasions when I stayed with my aunt or my great aunt and uncle. I don’t think I every stayed overnight at my Granny’s house but I do remember spending special time with her, watching her bake etc. One of the things I remember is getting to have my evening well sitting in the living room with a tray table! Just spending time, whether it was accompanying them when they visited someone in hospital or just going up the high street shopping with them made me feel special and grownup as I was getting the chance to see a side of their everyday lives that I didn’t normally see. In the evenings we would play cards or dominoes or just chat and I would hear stories about my mum and dad from the hen they were younger. It’s happy memories to have over 45 years later