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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- No overnight stays

363 replies

Satsuma2019 · 22/02/2022 18:06

Hello, me and my DH are on different pages with regards to sleepovers at grandparents (or anybody really) house. My MIL and my mum have asked a few times and I have said no because tbh I don’t really see what they are gaining by having them sleep. I’m more than happy to drop DDs off at their house for them to spend the day whilst I get on with some errands and pick them up at a convenient time. My MIL thinks I’m being selfish but I think since I’ve done all the hard parts like night feeds, teething and the troublesome twos without any help and the DDs are now easier to watch, why shouldn’t I reap the rewards and enjoy their time rather than palming them off. Plus if I say yes to one then how can I say no to everyone else and then what time will I get to spend with them?

Aibu?

OP posts:
Abraxan · 22/02/2022 19:24

At some point a decision must be made, mom should get final say.

Why?
Why can't dad get the final say, as an equal parent?

BoredatHome321 · 22/02/2022 19:24

@mummykel16 you're not answering the question though. Why should mum get more of a say than dad?

Bakewelltart987 · 22/02/2022 19:24

So dh wants them to stay out. I agree with him. Have you asked the dc if they would like a sleepover? Even if they stayed at your mums 1 night a month then 1 night in mil that's only 2 nights a month. So off course you still have plenty of time with them.

AngelinaFibres · 22/02/2022 19:25

My parents didn't have my children to stay over until the youngest was 3. At the time I found it difficult but years later my mother said that it was because she was terrified of cot death. It was the time when Anne Diamonds son Sebastian had died. SIDS and 'back to sleep' was all over the news. She couldn't deal with the responsibility and the devastating consequences if something happened . Cot death was far more common than it is now. I completely got that once she explained. But ,even without that knowledge, I just accepted that babies are absolutely knackering and older people cannot cope with that level of work. When the boys were slightly older they stayed over often. Dad and my youngest brother took them fishing,played board games and table football with them. They read so many stories to them. They had time and endless patience. Don't punish people who want to help. It's daft.

Mamamia7962 · 22/02/2022 19:25

Angelina - what a lovely post.

Classicblunder · 22/02/2022 19:25

It must be so hard having so many willing babysitters

rogueone · 22/02/2022 19:25

DickMabutt73962 well my inlaws did enjoy the 'blub' of a baby. Enjoyed having us over and staying at weekends and MIL would jump up to take baby in the morning to let me have a rest. It was my favourite breaks as I new I would get support. I wasnt looking for anyone to wake during the night but having a lie in was brill, food made etc was all part of support.

CallMeNutribullet · 22/02/2022 19:26

What's the issue op? It actually sounds like you want to punish your family for not being there during the "hard parts".

Tequilabeliever · 22/02/2022 19:27

@Satsuma2019

I just don’t understand how they can be so little involved during the tough parts and suddenly want to be so involved now that the children are more interesting that’s what I meant in my OP by reaping the rewards. Obviously it seems I’m being unreasonable but based on my parents, my in laws and siblings all offering to have DDs overnight I don’t think it’s extreme to think it will be a constant thing being badgered.
They are your children, not those of your parents or inlaws, therefore it stands to reason that you will shoulder the tough times.

My parents never wanted to even have my children for an afternoon, never mind overnight, so I’d jump at the chance of an overnighter.

There could be other info that you’ve not told us, behind your decision, but I would let them go. Your children may really enjoy it. If they don’t then you don’t have to repeat it. Enjoy the break, maybe think about whether your children would have fun, rather than how you feel about it.

worriedatthemoment · 22/02/2022 19:27

@mummykel16 well then not much hope in a relationship is there if they can't compromise and agree
Then dad could do what he wants in his time I suppose
Just ridiculous that you think a mum has more say than a dad, legally thats generally not true
The Op only seems to have an issue as they never had them when young , maybe the kids don't even want to stay so thats issue over maybe they really want to

Tonsiltrouble · 22/02/2022 19:27

I think the dynamics of this changes massively depending on the geography and closeness of the relationship. My PIL are 2 hours away so even if they did have them overnight it’s not exactly helpful to us who would have to drop off and pick up. My parents are even further away. I think it works well for those families who are just around the corner from each other.

Thisisit2022 · 22/02/2022 19:27

I struggled massively with my baby - mostly because of Colic. The baby time was awful. I barely slept and it was bloody hard work. I kept that away from my parents (though I would have gone to them for help if I felt it was unmanageable). They'd raised their children and I wanted them to enjoy grandparenthood, which they have. It wasn't their job. Jeez. Oh and sleepovers with my own grandparents were magical.

esloquehay · 22/02/2022 19:28

@Satsuma2019, did you need/reach out to ILs et al for time out from your DC when he/she/they were younger? If so, was it forthcoming? Has CoVid Climate had an impact on family being backward in coming forward with offers of help?
Honestly, I wish I had family TO help out, as solo Mum to twins (now 4) and my bio family are dead, so not sure I understand why you're feeling annoyed about people asking to have your DC overnight, when I would have thought it's pretty obvious that it's easier for family to have (aka cope with;) 2+ DC overnight than babies and younger toddlers? 🤷
I would compromise/agree to it, as long as there are boundaries in place that you are comfortable with.
It's SO beneficial for our children to spend different pockets of time with family, as long as relationships/connections/attachments are healthy.
I think you are being a little selfish, thinking about this solely from your perspective, not how it might (would!) benefit DC.

positivevibesonly22 · 22/02/2022 19:28

So little involved during the tough parts ..... how exactly would they help then? Come and do a night shift when they're not sleeping properly, sort out the weaning? Most of the tough parts are dealt with by the actual parents. GP's getting the enjoyable, easy bits is kind of Grandparents prerogative and loads of people don't even get that offer Hmm So odd you're response to them wanting them to stay. Enjoy it, enjoy the quality time it gives you and your DH.

Subbaxeo · 22/02/2022 19:28

OP, I had no grandparents.I would’ve loved the chance to have sleepovers like my friends did. Please don’t let your child miss out on precious sleepovers with them-they’ll have lovely memories when they grow up.

findingsomeone · 22/02/2022 19:28

YANBU. I totally get the resentment of no fucker helping for the hard times and wanting the nice times. If it suits you go for it, if it doesn't, don't.

I never slept over at my grandparents houses. I had plenty of sleep overs at friends growing up and had lots of fun.

alexis4theppl · 22/02/2022 19:28

My son didn't stay overnight with my mum until he was 8months old as was breastfed and quite a clingy baby. He then stayed overnight every month or so, so me and OH could have some time to ourselves and they both have a great time together. Now at 3 he only really stays with my mum, has stayed with my Dad twice and in-laws once. He isn't really comfortable with them as doesn't see them much as they live quite far away.
I had a very close relationship with my own GP's and stayed with them loads growing up as did all my cousins. It's a special relationship and I am so thankful for the memories.

If you have no concerns with how they would care for your child then I don't see the issue. It's a lovely relationship to have. Looking after young babies is different to toddlers or older children so they may not have felt confident or comfortable to do it at that time.

Enjoy the break if you do x

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 22/02/2022 19:29

@Satsuma2019

But they could spend quality time with the grandchildren during the day. I just don’t see what quality time they would be getting when the children are asleep? Plus we don’t live locally to parents so would then have to drive back the next day to collect the next morning. We do bend over backwards so everyone has a fair amount of time with our DDs but I just think it’s unfair to be digged at and called selfish over something I’m not completely comfortable with …
Well, what quality time do you think you're getting putting them to bed every night? I'd imagine it would be the same for them.

I would never tell anyone to do something they don't feel comfortable with. I would ask WHY you are uncomfortable because it sounds only about your feelings and not how it could benefit the children. I don't see any safe guarding issues you've mentioned. Plus, they're your children, obviously you did the night feeds.

kirinm · 22/02/2022 19:30

Personally I'd take up the offers but we have no family close by and have never left our DD with anyone overnight (she 3.5) because there isn't anyone (and she sleeps terribly).

DickMabutt73962 · 22/02/2022 19:30

So they can't agree a compromise, with some things that's not possible, what next?

Rock, paper, scissors.

mummykel16 · 22/02/2022 19:30

So who decides?
The mother because she is the one who carried the child gave birth to the child and most likely looks after the child the most

Beseen22 · 22/02/2022 19:31

I wouldn't have expected either GP to take my children whilst they weren't reliably sleeping through to be honest. So I guess I did the hard parts but it was my job. Plus my MIL was working, looking after elderly parents (stroke and dementia) and caring for my DN and DN at least twice a week. We don't really get the offer of a sleepover even though the 5yo will often pack a bag just in case they ask. He's desperate to stay. When we stay at my inlaws they always want to put the kids down for us so we can go out with friends and they love the bedtime cuddles and nonsense. Bit of a novelty for them I guess. The time DS did stay she did him breakfast and ipad in bed and he was spoiled rotten, he loved every second! It's important for me that he can be as close to them as he can be. And when she helps me out she does it because I would help her out in a heartbeat with the elderly unwell dear greatgrandparents. That's just how family works for us.

SunshineCake1 · 22/02/2022 19:31

YABU

I struggled with mine staying at the PIL but I did it for the kids. They are now 16, 18 and 20 and the oldest and youngest stay over still. One in the holidays and the other when they are home from uni.

I'm pleased they have a good relationship with their grandparents and ignore my feelings about it.

MajorCarolDanvers · 22/02/2022 19:31

Staying with grandparents is a joy for both child and grandparents.

I think it would be a real shame to deny both your child and the GPS of this.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/02/2022 19:31

@Satsuma2019 - sleepovers with the grandparents are lovely experiences for the children - as previous posters have said, it is a new experience, they have fun, and it builds confidence.

My dses all went and had sleepovers with my wonderful MIL - and they absolutely loved it! They had one on one time with her (she and my FIL were divorced), they got to be the only child in the house, they had some great days out with her, and they all built up some wonderful memories of an amazing woman. Sadly she died of cancer 5 years ago, but they all have their special memories of her.

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