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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we crazy - WWYD?

308 replies

Corneliafunk · 22/02/2022 08:00

DH and I have won a trip away for 3 nights towards the end of next month!! We have to decide soon what we will do, but taking the kids with us is not an option. We are thinking of leaving them at home alone. They are 13 and 15 years. I have confidence/trust that they will keep to the usual routine during this time and get themselves off to school on the bus etc. The eldest one does most of the cooking anyway, so can do dinners ok although we would keep everything simple while we were away. They do argue but say they will spend most of the time separately in their rooms. Their grandmother lives nearby and can keep an eye on them. Alternatively, she could come to stay but doesn't keep great health so we can't really rely on this. She is also v worried about Covid..
And Covid is in some of the local schools. We have been told to prepare them for remote learning if there aren't enough teachers available on-site (which we have done).

We have friends who could each take one, but the kids don't want to do this and it would mean mattresses on the floor and disruption for our friends, altho they wouldn't mind for the short time. The prize means the distance we will be away is a couple of hours by car, but then a short boat ride to an island in a lake which sounds very cool! Not sure about cell coverage, but suspect not.
Would you think the kids are old enough and just do it and leave them at home alone (which is what we want to do), or should we make some sort of arrangement for them where they are with adults even if it is just in the evenings? Would you think we could leave them even in the knowledge that remote learning could suddenly be required while we are away?

YANBU - leave the kids at home alone
YABU- don't leave the kids home alone

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 22/02/2022 10:09

I'm usually very relaxed but wouldn't leave my children home alone overnight until they were 16. Grandmother needs to sleep there at the very least.

fabulousathome · 22/02/2022 10:09

Don't do it. It's precisely that you don't know what could happen over the three days that you cannot do this.

For example (thinking of the weather) roof falling in/flooding.

Life is unpredictable.

cheninblanc · 22/02/2022 10:13

Quinkwashable yes she's very easily led and parties were my main concern plus the opportunity had never come up because of the covid restrictions. We have no family at all nearby so no one for her to turn to if needed. She has a lot of responsibilities like studies, work and we are often out till late but not all night till recently. Having a party would have been my main worry and her not being able to control a situation, she's much more mature now which is why I think the person asking should she leave a 15 year old is doing young

Trolleedollee · 22/02/2022 10:17

I'm leaving my 12 and 16 year olds alone ...............but I've also got my 19 year old looking after them and it's for 2 nights. I wouldn't do it without him there.

PortalooSunset · 22/02/2022 10:18

One night maybe, but 3 nights no. Not for the first time. I think dsis & I were 14 & 16 when we were first left overnight, then a bit older still for 2 nights. Ds was 17 when we first left him (would have been earlier but the pandemic cancelled plans), and I wouldn't have considered it fair to leave him in charge of younger sibling. Would only leave the both of them when I think youngest would be able to look after themselves.

Branleuse · 22/02/2022 10:21

not for 3 nights. Id consider an overnight at that age, but 3 days is neglect.

MinnieGirl · 22/02/2022 10:27

Are you serious?
Absolutely no way, that is neglect.

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 22/02/2022 10:29

I am an oldest child and was always seen as a leader and a sensible girl people could rely on, and as a result responsibilities were piled on me from an early age. I came to really resent all that was expected of me when I was still very immature. Teenagers put up a confident front but inside the responsibility can weigh very heavily. I would be asked to do things, I'd say yes to them without understanding how difficult it might be, and then I'd be anxious and worried. @Pluvia this was me too, and I always keep it in mind when dealing with my eldest.

neverbeenskiing · 22/02/2022 10:30

For context I have worked throughout the pandemic in the NHS, long hours ....my children were home schooling ...as were the majority of the population. Whilst everyone else was making soda bread and supervising school work I was at work....admittedly only 15 monutes away and contactable. Was I negligent? and what would you have preferred me to do?

That's not what this thread is about though. OP's situation is in no way comparable to yours. Unless you were at work for 72 hours at a time, a long car journey and a boat ride away and potentially uncontactable, your childcare arrangements during lockdown are completely irrelevant.

nokidshere · 22/02/2022 10:33

If you thought it was fine you wouldn't be asking.

13 & 15 and they argue/fight or stay away from each other, absolutely not.

That's a lot of responsibility to put on a 15yr old. It's not just about the unlikely 'what ifs' it's about minor ones. What if one decides they want to go out with friends? Or if one wants friends to come in? Or if they argued over 'who is in charge'? It sounds very stressful for them.

I read a story in the news some years back about 2 brothers of similar ages who were home alone overnight. Apparantly they argued over making some sandwiches, one hit the other forgetting he had a knife in his hand and accidentally stabbed the other. That was just 20 seconds that changed their lives.

Itsnotdeep · 22/02/2022 10:35

You can't leave them alone OP. If your MIL says no, you can't go - it's really simple. I know this from experience!

I went away last year for a week. My exH was meant to have my children, but because he's a twat he decided (after I left and without telling me) that my 16 and 13 yos would be ok alone (I found out after a day about this and he took the 13 yo to his house). Yes of course my 16 yo had a few friends over and drained my drinks trolley. And the neighbours complained about them singing in the garden. (when I found out about this, I got my 21 year son to move in for the rest of the week, my exH being a complete twat about it all).

But it wasn't that actually - she was lonely! and stressed about the house! It was too much for her. She said how hard it was to be without me, and to have the responsibility. And for me, it definitely tainted the holiday. I was worried about them. I spent too much time texting them, phoning them and chasing my ex up. It would have been much better if I had left them with an adult and then I could have relaxed.

My teens cook and clean and are responsible. But they aren't mature enough to be on their own. Not because of parties but because of how stressful it is to them. They're not mature and responsible enough, and it isn't fair to ask them to do this. And nothing went wrong when I was away.

starfishmummy · 22/02/2022 10:37

so their friends can't really drop in on them - it requires organizing and lifts in the car which is normally a bit of a pain, but in this case, gives us more assurance that other teenagers won't be calling by while we aren't there.

I can see that in the normal scheme of things that the average teenager would leave all the organising to Mum (and Dad) to do. However I imagine in the "mum and dad are away let's have a party/sleepover/whatever" you will find they are resourceful enough to organise this all for themselves with other parents being given no information whatsoever about your absence.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 22/02/2022 10:37

Hope you can get mil on board I agree too much responsibility even though what you say the eldest sounds mature but no not 3 nights . You need a adult for overnight.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 22/02/2022 10:37

Hell no - sorry can’t believe you’d consider it- 3 nights with a 15 yr old in charge of a 13yr old!!!

Bogofftosomewherehot · 22/02/2022 10:37

Totally irresponsible!!!
Where I work this would be reported as a safeguarding risk.

zingally · 22/02/2022 10:39

No. 13 and 15 is too young. I was 16, nearly 17 the first time I was left at home overnight, and I absolutely hated every second.

Hertsgirl10 · 22/02/2022 10:40

Why has it ruined your marriage?

Hertsgirl10 · 22/02/2022 10:41

Ignore that wrong post 😂

username1293948 · 22/02/2022 10:42

Really irresponsible idea. Especially considering you’re expecting them to get themselves to school and cook for themselves for 3 days…

SweetPeaGirl · 22/02/2022 10:44

I was left alone for a few nights aged 15. Also very mature, responsible for my age, and capable with cooking etc. I never said to mum, but it was pretty awful. I felt alone and out of my depth. I can't imagine that plus being responsible for a 13 year old and uncertainty over home learning.

You need someone to just be there. They don't necessarily have to 'take care' of them, but literally just be present in the house in the evening and overnight as back up. Nearby in their own home is not the same.

BIWI · 22/02/2022 10:45

You're going to do it though, aren't you, @Corneliafunk?

All the justification about your children cooking for you Hmm

There's too much risk here and it's also simply unfair to put the burden on to your older child, who is still not 16, of being responsible for your younger one.

oviraptor21 · 22/02/2022 10:45

No way. Not even one night and especially as they don't get on.
My hard line would be one night for a 16 year old, initially.

TillyTopper · 22/02/2022 10:48

No I wouldn't leave a 13 and 15 yo by themselves for 3 days. Also, why is your 15 yo doing the majority of the cooking? I would get someone else to stay - and double so because you can't just return (on an island and potentially no cell phone coverage).

Rebecca12356777 · 22/02/2022 10:48

Are you joking ? If i got left at 13 home alone with my sister for 3 nights id of had a massive party got pissed out of my head and no way would of gone to school. Even if your children are more sensible that’s way too long to leave them ?!

Realis · 22/02/2022 10:49

Lots of very sheltered people on this thread. I was definitely left alone at 13 for a few nights.

A good friend of mine had her own baby to take care of at 15, nevermind a 13 year old sibling for a few nights.