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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with my 13 year old daughter?

384 replies

GeekyGirl42 · 22/02/2022 01:56

Had to work late one evening this week and daughter said she wanted this evening. So I worked whilst she got on with her evening (I WFH). She had a shower, and came to say goodnight.

I finised work around midnight; when that happens I like to unwind in the shower... Except this evening after 30s it went freezing cold. I squealed. My daughter came out of her room and shouted at me for waking her up.

I told her (this is not the first time by any means that this has happened) that she must remember to think about whether she's used the hot water up, because I don't mind as long as I know to put it on again. It is ridiculous that this would be necessary, as is just the two of us and the tank is massive.

She went bonkers.... Threw stuff around the room and shouted at me. I told her that if she was going to keep arguing with me about whether she should have been more mindful about the hot water, then she can choose between taking another shower now or loosing her phone for a day.

She went to take another shower and when she realised how cold it was she said she couldn't do it. So I told her to be more thoughtful next time, and that tomorrow she will have to have her shower at the gym after her tennis lesson.

She went nuts. She hates me and wants to live with her Dad. I've sent her a text saying that I am hurt by her unkind words and that there are consequences for saying things like that to people... In this instance, she'll find that I've taken back half of this week's allowance.

AIBU? I am so sick of the shower being cold. And she's been really horrid the last few days... I feel like she's walking all over me

OP posts:
Wanttobeoverit · 22/02/2022 08:17

It’s completely bizarre that people have posted comments essentially making stuff up (the really long one from a PP from “the daughter’s perspective” especially). YABU to threaten the shower as punishment, of course, it just escalated the situation and sounded irrational. But it’s also completely unacceptable for your DD to come in and shout and throw stuff and anyone like “poor girl throwing shampoo bottles!” is living on another planet

AreWeThereYetMummy · 22/02/2022 08:18

I'm totally stuck on you making her take a cold shower or lose her phone.

THIS IS ABUSIVE.

None of the other details really matter. She is 13, not 23. She had a shower, she forgot to put the hot water on. It wasn't on purpose. It was warm when you got in, she didn't think because she is 13!

I think you need to take a long hard look at your parenting op or you will have no relationship with her as soon as she has the opportunity to choose.

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/02/2022 08:18

Honestly some of the replies here! OP you were clearly incredibly selfish and self-indulgent to have worked so late- that would be very difficult for your poor DD. And then to have had a shower at that time!! Even if you had been working hours and it was your only way of unwinding before bed, what about your poor DD!? You should wait til morning and only have one then if it’s convenient for your DD. And then when you got in said shower and it was cold you should never have emitted a noise, you should have suppressed that very normal human reaction on account of your DD. And then when she rampaged into the room to tell you off for waking her up, you dared show some again very normal human reaction. You’re going to damage your daughter OP- she’s going to start seeing you as a human soon and not just a robot there to facilitate her wants and needs.
Honestly, some of these posts are so mummy martyr its unreal

Metalguru22 · 22/02/2022 08:21

@Orangade

Haven’t RTFT however how is your daughter supposed to know that you will be taking midnight showers?

I think if you know you will be taking a shower, it’s your responsibility to put the hot water on half an hour beforehand.

It’s unreasonable to expect your 13 year old daughter to be able to gauge how much of the available water she’s using, or predict when you will want showers. Take responsibility for your own showering.

Maybe you should RTFT.
Itsalmostanaccessory · 22/02/2022 08:21

Your shoe lace gets loose. You cant loose your phone. You lose your phone. Those are different words.

Suggesting a cold shower as an option for a punishment isnt on. That's bordering on abuse. If you cannot handle teenage bad behaviour without restoring to abusive options for punishment then you need to get yourself some help.

You've undermined yourself here because now it is going to be very hard to have a conversation about respecting others in the household.

Your 13 year old should not be having showers which emort a full water tank. Why didnt you tell her to get out? Surely you must have heard how long she was in for.

Things clearly arent working as they are so you need a new system. Timer in the bathroom and give her 15 minutes in the shower. A lot of households have to limit time in the shower so everyone gets one or because they cant afford the hot water. Explain this to her. She has had her chance to tell you to boost the water but she doesnt and now she is screaming at you and throwing things around. That's totally unacceptable behaviour and you need to bring in punishments which are not abusive.

Limit her shower time so it is fair on everyone. Start punishing her aggressive behaviour without using abuse.

Porcupineintherough · 22/02/2022 08:21

Just buy a shower timer. No more long hot showers for her, she can have 3 minute ones. Using up a whole tank of hot water is ridiculous. As was the rest of her behaviour.

refraction · 22/02/2022 08:21

@Rosehugger

I'm amazed at how many people are minimising the kids actions here

Because it's something you could have a talk with them about in the morning with calm tones, if you seriously think you should get a child out of bed at midnight when they have school tomorrow to yell at them and punish them for forgetfulness or a lack of thought about something then how do you escalate it from there when they have done something really wrong?

I suspect many people here are not parents, and not parents of teenagers. Yes, 13 is old enough to have consideration for others but sometimes they forget, as adults do. The first order of parenting should be love, kindness, patience and understanding and carrot works much better than stick.

Totally agree. Their brains aren't developed properly ans they have raging hormones. There is better ways to deal with it.

Also never make it about you like yoy did with that text. I learnt that the hard way.

Ramalamadingdongs · 22/02/2022 08:21

Some of these responses are batshit. Child abuse my arse.

All she has to do is tell you if she's had a long shower. It's not hard. And damn right there should be consequences for being rude and throwing things. My 4 year old has consequences for that.

Holidays27 · 22/02/2022 08:22

YABU. She is only 13. Kids at that age need reminders all the time. Taken a shower in the middle of the night to wake the rest of the family up is very inconsiderate. I hate being waken up when I have just gone to sleep. No wonder she went bonkers.

Making her take a cold shower in the middle of the night is bullying/abuse.

I would have spoken to her the following day. No wonder she wants to live with her dad.

speakout · 22/02/2022 08:23

If you sailed through the teenage years with no punishment you either have a particularly compliant child or you have raised a selfish nightmare

Not at all.
My DD was head girl at school and now an intensive care nurse. My children were taught about respect from a very early age. To think about their actions and how that impacts others. To consider situations from other people's points of view.
My children have never been punished at home, and never at school either. If they were self centred brats I think I would have had that feedback from school.

DysmalRadius · 22/02/2022 08:24

Have you discussed changing the arrangements with her dad so that she gets some holidays to actually do the things she would enjoy?

ChiselandBits · 22/02/2022 08:27

then presumably speakout you did very well in the early years and got lucky with a nice kid. They do exist. And I simply can't believe that you raised a child to adulthood without every once, even as a toddler, having to impose some form of consequence for poor behaviour.

Bouledeneige · 22/02/2022 08:29

Put the hot water in before your shower. Try not to wake up a teenage at midnight on a school night. And don't have a shouty roe afterwards. And don't impose sanctions for such minor issues. Pick your battles.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 22/02/2022 08:32

I flipped and told her to take a shower in it or loose phone for 24 hours

Disgrace.

babyjellyfish · 22/02/2022 08:33

So you woke your 13 year old daughter up at midnight on a school night, and then made her get in a cold shower as punishment when she didn't need a shower?

And you're surprised that she wants to go and live with her dad?

StrictlySinging · 22/02/2022 08:35

A 30 minute shower (it that’s not exaggerated) is unreasonable: expensive and unenvrironmantal

Managing the hot water is your responsibility though so for me the rule would be 10 mins in the shower max. DH has put a three minute egg timer in the wall in ours lol enough said about that.

You are both unreasonable for carrying on a midnight spat into the next day. Apologise
For waking her up say the tank doesn’t cope with long showers and from now on both of you will limit showering to max x minutes. Problems solved.

ENoeuf · 22/02/2022 08:36

I wish I had imposed some sanctions and boundaries at this age because I am reaping what is owed with a selfish 19 year old who is entitled and rude and thinks they run the place. Team op. I spent far too much time listening to criticism of me and trying to resolve non issues and demands instead of putting my foot down.

StrictlySinging · 22/02/2022 08:36

Btw sending her for a cold shower in the night is very very unreasonable.

ENoeuf · 22/02/2022 08:36

‘ What I sowed’

cooldarkroom · 22/02/2022 08:36

OP, I feel for you, Both my Dc did this frequently. My water heats at cheap rate in the night.
I had to put on the hot water tank again in the early evening to ensure that I, as the last one in, didn't have a cold shower. This doubled the elec bill. I cannot afford this
DD would open hot water, then go & get her toothbrush & brush her teeth under steaming hot water before even starting to wash.. then there's shaving, & conditioning long hair....
We have 300l tank, which should be fine for 4 showers. (there's even a circulator, that means hot water comes immediately at peak use times to limit waste, & I washed up with cold water for years to allow for all the showers)
I said "I am paying for the electricity, if there is no hot water for me, then there is no hot water for you". & turned the hot water off....
They learnt fast

DrSbaitso · 22/02/2022 08:37

@ChiselandBits

From what I've read, YANBU op. I think if you'd phrased it slightly differently you'd be getting different answers. 'asked dd if sec wanted to have family time today or tomorrow. She chose tomorrow so I was working til midnight, a 16 hr shift. She had a long shower that she's been asked repeatedly not to do without telling me so I can boost the tank. I'm a single parent, old house, money is tight so need to be careful. End if shift I was startled by freezing water and squealed. She came running in yelling at me that it wasn't cold and throwing things. I asked her to test the water by sticking her hand in it or go a day without her phone. She did and agreed it was freezing but didn't apologise. None of that is different to what happened and I bet you'd had more YANBUs. Rude, entitled teen with zero appreciation for anyone else. I teach hundreds of teenagers. Not all of them are arseholes by any means.. Most are really quite nice. There's no imperative that they must be awful and there can be consequences if they are.
"If you'd phrased it slightly differently", meaning: "If you'd told it in a completely dishonest way that lies both explicitly and by omission."
Onlyhuman123 · 22/02/2022 08:37

she wasn't 'forced to stand under an icy shower'....read the OP updates...

Progress2019 · 22/02/2022 08:38

I haven’t read he whole thing, but if I were you, I’d have a break at around 6pm, and have my shower, then whatever happens with the hot water won’t affect you.

AlexaShutUp · 22/02/2022 08:39

@mudgetastic

If you sailed through the teenage years with no punishment you either have a particularly compliant child or you have raised a selfish nightmare

Not all children are the same

No, not so children are the same, but I have worked extensively with teenagers, including some very challenging, troubled ones. In my experience, harsh punishments never really work. No teenager responds well to an adult trying to assert their power in order to impose their will. They will generally push back against this, and you will just become the bad guy who is making their life harder for no good reason. They will absolutely lose the ability to engage with what you're trying to make them understand.

I have always found that you get much better responses from them when you adopt a calm, reasonable, respectful approach that focuses on communication not sanctions.

Ramalamadingdongs · 22/02/2022 08:41

So you woke your 13 year old daughter up at midnight on a school night, and then made her get in a cold shower as punishment when she didn't need a shower

The ops posts are highlighted. Maybe go back and have a go at reading them again.