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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with my 13 year old daughter?

384 replies

GeekyGirl42 · 22/02/2022 01:56

Had to work late one evening this week and daughter said she wanted this evening. So I worked whilst she got on with her evening (I WFH). She had a shower, and came to say goodnight.

I finised work around midnight; when that happens I like to unwind in the shower... Except this evening after 30s it went freezing cold. I squealed. My daughter came out of her room and shouted at me for waking her up.

I told her (this is not the first time by any means that this has happened) that she must remember to think about whether she's used the hot water up, because I don't mind as long as I know to put it on again. It is ridiculous that this would be necessary, as is just the two of us and the tank is massive.

She went bonkers.... Threw stuff around the room and shouted at me. I told her that if she was going to keep arguing with me about whether she should have been more mindful about the hot water, then she can choose between taking another shower now or loosing her phone for a day.

She went to take another shower and when she realised how cold it was she said she couldn't do it. So I told her to be more thoughtful next time, and that tomorrow she will have to have her shower at the gym after her tennis lesson.

She went nuts. She hates me and wants to live with her Dad. I've sent her a text saying that I am hurt by her unkind words and that there are consequences for saying things like that to people... In this instance, she'll find that I've taken back half of this week's allowance.

AIBU? I am so sick of the shower being cold. And she's been really horrid the last few days... I feel like she's walking all over me

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 22/02/2022 07:51

Don’t bother even trying to argue with a 13yo DD, who has just been woken up, never going to end well.

Kanaloa · 22/02/2022 07:51

But obviously if op had said ‘stick your hand in that, see how cold it is?’ That would have been a completely different situation. That’s not what happened, so irrelevant.

BananaSpanner · 22/02/2022 07:53

@Rosehugger

I'm amazed at how many people are minimising the kids actions here

Because it's something you could have a talk with them about in the morning with calm tones, if you seriously think you should get a child out of bed at midnight when they have school tomorrow to yell at them and punish them for forgetfulness or a lack of thought about something then how do you escalate it from there when they have done something really wrong?

I suspect many people here are not parents, and not parents of teenagers. Yes, 13 is old enough to have consideration for others but sometimes they forget, as adults do. The first order of parenting should be love, kindness, patience and understanding and carrot works much better than stick.

She. Didn’t. Get. The. Child. Out. Of. Bed.

She didn’t get the chance to speak calmly in the morning because she was too busy dodging shower gel bottles.

GrazingSheep · 22/02/2022 07:53

Do you pay for water?

wishmyhousetidy · 22/02/2022 07:53

@Rosehugger

You sound like a nightmare and abusive.

Waking a 13 year old up at midnight, working until midnight? It sounds like you have no time or consideration for her. It's annoying about the hot water, but frankly your boiler is shit if one person having a shower runs all the water out. Get that sorted or frankly just have a shower in the morning like a normal person when it has warmed up again.

And if someone woke me at midnight, squealing in the shower, and made me get in the shower I'd fucking throw things, likely taking their fucking head off with them as well. Poor girl, I feel really sorry for her.

wow, did you even read the post. She didn’t make her daughter get in the shower. It’s never okay to chuck stuff at people.. You seem angry and yet you are moaning at the Op for being angry! Other posters have said there is an element f treating your daughter as a flat mate sometimes and. a child. This needs to be addressed as it’s confusing for a child. I have an only child and it’s easy to get into this habit and it is not healthy- I think it’s confusing for the child. But you can work on that. The teen years are HARD and I think it is important for the adult to calm down their behaviour to set a good example- but it it can be so difficult.
DoingAway · 22/02/2022 07:54

This dramatic escalation is never going to get you anywhere but a whole load of resentment. 13 yo girls can be tricky and I feel your pain believe me but we have to try to take a step back from it. A statement of fact in the morning ‘there was no hot water you must have used it all up’. Get a timer. My dd had a habit of leaving a door open which allows the cat to come and wake me up in the night. I say to her ‘the door was open’ and she will apologise. It never happens now. They should want to try to be considerate not be punished into it.

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/02/2022 07:54

I’m really surprised by the responses here. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a tiny bit of thought and consideration from your daughter- she’s 13, not 3. And to then shout at you and start throwing things is really not on at all. If my mum had been working til midnight presumably to put a roof over our head and pay our bills I would never act in this petulant, self centred way… I wouldn’t have dared. The amount of dire behaviour from children that some PPs are falling over themselves to excuse is ridiculous and really worrying.

Jeanluc · 22/02/2022 07:56

I'm still confused with daughter wanted this evening.

ChiselandBits · 22/02/2022 07:56

She didn't 'decide' to squeal.. Usually they are involuntary and the dd has said she wasnt asleep. The op didn't 'choose' to work late, she had to. She didn't force her to stand under a freezing shower, she put her hand under it and decided not to. Losing your phone is tough punishment for a 13 year old but she could absolutely have chosen that. Ridiculous OTT answers on here about abusive parenting. She wants to live with her dad who can only be arsed with her 6 weeks a year and probably Disney dads his way through that rather than the parent who makes her do homework, eat vegetables and be vaguely considerate to others. Shocker 🙄

crimblecrumbles · 22/02/2022 07:56

She should not have yelled at you but I do feel that taking a shower at midnight is a little inconsiderate. You need to wind down but she needs to sleep. I think you were both a little unreasonable and tiredness played a part in both your reactions.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 22/02/2022 07:57

@LuckySantangelo35

I’m really surprised by the responses here. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a tiny bit of thought and consideration from your daughter- she’s 13, not 3. And to then shout at you and start throwing things is really not on at all. If my mum had been working til midnight presumably to put a roof over our head and pay our bills I would never act in this petulant, self centred way… I wouldn’t have dared. The amount of dire behaviour from children that some PPs are falling over themselves to excuse is ridiculous and really worrying.
I think people are being realistic.

A thirteen year old is never ever going to be rational all the time - especially if they're jolted awake in the middle of the night by their mum "squealing".

It then escalated into a massive row in the middle of the night - totally unnecessary and as the adult, OP should have de-escalated the situation and dealt with it in the morning, not threatened her DD with daft consequences and then text her to continue the issue!

Wartywart · 22/02/2022 07:59

You sound awful actually. You told her to choose between having a cold shower or having her phone taken away, and then when she said she wanted to live with her dad you told her you'd take away half her pocket money? Fantastic job OP. Not sure how much of a relationship you're going to have with her when she's older.

ChiselandBits · 22/02/2022 08:01

And she said she could shower at the gym, not 'deny her a shower at all'. A gym that the op pays for along with the tennis lessonsand the hot water. I'm not saying it was a perfect response or reaction but it certainly wasn't abusive. That word gets thrown around way too easily for any incidence of assertive parenting. No wonder people are terrified of instilling some discipline and consideration for others if doing so gets responses like some of these.

mudgetastic · 22/02/2022 08:02

Op is human not a robot

Op is working till midnight to keep home and hearth together

The child would not have been wakened by the shower if she hasn't run it cold

Children need to learn actions have consequences and they need to learn that adults can get tired and hurt and mad

They also need to learn what to do after that - sit down , talk

As part of that You do need to work on the holiday arrangements - she is almost old enough to have a say and old enough to be left on her own a lot of the time

ChiselandBits · 22/02/2022 08:02

Oh and half her pocket money after throwing things, being incredibly rude and ungrateful would be getting off lightly.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 22/02/2022 08:05

Op is human not a robot

And so is her teenage daughter.

Op is working till midnight to keep home and hearth together

Correct, but working long hours isn't an excuse to wake everyone up at midnight by taking a shower and starting an argument.

The child would not have been wakened by the shower if she hasn't run it cold

But she didn't know she'd run it cold because OP says the shower was hot/warm when she originally got in.

Children need to learn actions have consequences and they need to learn that adults can get tired and hurt and mad

Yes - and OP needs to learn that kicking off at a teenager at midnight is never going to go well Wink

AlexaShutUp · 22/02/2022 08:05

OP, I mean this kindly, but you are going to have a really tough time through these teenage years if you don't learn to communicate more effectively with your dd. Good parenting is not just about rigid boundaries and imposing consequences, which seems to be your main focus. There are actually much better ways of teaching a child to be more considerate towards others than taking away their phone or forcing them to have a freezing cold shower. If you make it that adversarial, she will inevitably push back, and the point that you're actually trying to make will get completely lost amidst her anger about the perceived injustice of it all. In her mind, you will become the bad guy and she will have no headspace left to see what you're saying or reflect on her own behaviour.

Focus on building the relationship. Clear, calm, honest communication. Trust. Mutual respect. Ditch the harsh punishments and really talk to her instead. Get her to understand your perspective and make sure you understand hers.

Turning things into a power struggle is doomed to failure. It sets you up as opponents on opposite sides, when at this age, she really needs to know that you're on the same side.

Quartz2208 · 22/02/2022 08:05

I think you need to take a deep breath this morning and reflect that both of you handled this badly because arguing at that time of the night is never going to go well.

I agree there are moments where you do treat her like an adult and there are times that rather than act like a teenager she acts like a much younger child. But ultimately you are the parent and you need to go in and apologise first and come up with a better way of handling things that this

Gowithme · 22/02/2022 08:06

I just want to know why anyone would get in a shower without checking the temperature with their hand first?

Nietzschethehiker · 22/02/2022 08:07

Ignoring the pearl clutchers I think the majority of that was very much just a teenage v tired mum row. I think you know the option of the cold shower was well over the line. I get that you were angry and cold but it wasn't OK. I fully realise it was said in the heat of the moment but it sounds like this was what backed you both in the corner. You know damn well making her take a cold shower would have crossed the line into borderline abusive.

I realise you didn't expect her to call your bluff but she did and you needed to back down on insisting she take the shower. It's a relief she chose not to.

I would apologise for that and that alone. The rest of it she was being inconsiderate and dramatic. I suspect you will find if you apologise for that she may (or may not depending on her other struggles as you mentioned ) meet you half way.

You lost your temper, it happens but you are searching for not being wrong in this at all. The reality is you pushed it too far after a fairly standard teenage tantrum occurred.

She absolutely needs to apologise for shower bottle throwing.

speakout · 22/02/2022 08:12

OP, I mean this kindly, but you are going to have a really tough time through these teenage years if you don't learn to communicate more effectively with your dd. Good parenting is not just about rigid boundaries and imposing consequences, which seems to be your main focus. There are actually much better ways of teaching a child to be more considerate towards others than taking away their phone or forcing them to have a freezing cold shower. If you make it that adversarial, she will inevitably push back, and the point that you're actually trying to make will get completely lost amidst her anger about the perceived injustice of it all. In her mind, you will become the bad guy and she will have no headspace left to see what you're saying or reflect on her own behaviour.

Completely agree.
Alternative approaches are possible.
I sailed through the teenage years witout a single punishment- never needed.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 22/02/2022 08:12

@Gowithme

I just want to know why anyone would get in a shower without checking the temperature with their hand first?
She did.

It was warm until it "went freezing cold" (OP's own words).

Which is why I don't understand everyone jumping on the daughter. If it was warm when OP got in, presumably it was warm when the daughter got out, so how would she know she'd used all the hot water?

InTheNameOfAllThatIsHonest · 22/02/2022 08:12

Your DD is being entitled and rude. You've asked her nicely multiple times and she's ignoring you.

Orangade · 22/02/2022 08:13

Haven’t RTFT however how is your daughter supposed to know that you will be taking midnight showers?

I think if you know you will be taking a shower, it’s your responsibility to put the hot water on half an hour beforehand.

It’s unreasonable to expect your 13 year old daughter to be able to gauge how much of the available water she’s using, or predict when you will want showers. Take responsibility for your own showering.

mudgetastic · 22/02/2022 08:14

If you sailed through the teenage years with no punishment you either have a particularly compliant child or you have raised a selfish nightmare

Not all children are the same

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