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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at my best friend

255 replies

1gem86 · 21/02/2022 21:11

Sorry it's a long one. I would love your opinions on this ..

Been friends with her for over 10 years.

She got married recently and I was her maid of honour. Organised her 2 Hens, helped her plan every aspect of her wedding etc. (At this point I had a young baby and I was juggling sleepless nights, trying to be a good mum, partner & a good friend at the same time) because she's my best friend I just did it all. Left my baby with my partner for 4 nights to attend her hen do etc (which I didn't minds as that's what friends do .. even though it was extremely hard to leave DS behind)

I'm getting married soon & she's just announced to me that she'll be heavily pregnant at my wedding or have a young baby by that point so she won't be attending anymore and has dropped her role of being maid of honour... she also won't be attending or plan my hen anymore 😐

I don't mind the not organising the hen anymore as my other friends can do it but The wedding is 40 mins from where she lives... shouldn't she make the effort to come? Or at least plan to and see where she is by then? I've said to her that if she has a baby .. we'll be more than happy for them to bring the baby and will go out of our way to accommodate.. but she said NO ! Decision made & her baby is now the most important in her life. Which I get .. I have a DS too and he's the most important for me but I would still make effort for a friend.
AIBU to be angry? Or would you do the same?

OP posts:
Original poster
1gem86 · 23/02/2022 15:34

Thanks everyone for your opinions
Sorry just to clarify a few things

She didn't make me leave my baby. He was left for 2 nights for hen 1 & 2 nights for hen 2 a month later. He was left with his daddy & my
Mum who made sure he had the best time & doubt he missed me very much. It was hard to leave him yes but I don't think I'm a bad mum for it. When I'm with him I give him 110% of me.

My friend asked me to organise both hens.. I didn't just offer. She would call me every other night asking questions and details etc

The reason I am angry with her is that whilst I was planning it all for her she used to say "ohh your turn after mine & can't wait to plan it all .. I have soo many ideas " - which put lots of pressure on me to get it right for her.

another reason is when I refused to go for drinks when my DS was 4 weeks old (as I don't drink anymore .. not enjoying it) .. she laughed at me telling me to "not be one of those" .. turns out that she's "one of those" (in her words meaning .. women who forget everyone after having Children)

Again.. I'm not upset what she doesn't want to be involved in the wedding party... or plan anything... I'm upset that she's not considering at least waiting to see where she is in a few months time. We've had a chat since this thread and again she's made it clear that her baby comes 1st! I replied with "that's exactly how it should be" and will now leave it. I won't insist anymore. That's her decision and I'm happy with it. I think it will impact our friendship massively but I will move on with planning my wedding & concentrate on my family and other friends 😊 x

OP posts:
DameHelena · 23/02/2022 16:30

Thanks for updating, OP. Sorry that she hasn't really turned out to be a 'best friend'. You sound as though you're surrounded by good people though, and you have your head screwed on.
Happy wedding planning!

Enough4me · 23/02/2022 16:33

OP, hold your head high, you did nothing wrong trying to be supportive of her when she asked for help and know that she contradicted herself and lacks empathy.

Keep wishing her well and look forwards. In a year's time I wonder if she'll contact you wondering why you aren't doing X,Y and Z for her...just be busy with new adventures!

Juniper68 · 23/02/2022 17:17

She sounded awful before then saying "one of those".

billy1966 · 23/02/2022 17:28

OP,
Of course you weren't a bad mum leaving the baby with it's father if you wanted to.
The issue is you didn't real want to put pushed yourself to.

Your update confirms you were used by her.

I think you are very wise to move forward with other friends and do not talk about your wedding and do not be available further for her.

Focus on your friendships that value you.

She will be one of those PITA mothers when her baby arrives, so you are well out of it.

Enjoy planning your wedding.
2 Hen's🙄....that should have been a clue.
Flowers

Amaksy · 23/02/2022 17:42

This happens and I think it’s good she’s given you a heads up. If you’re really friends surely you weren’t doing all that for her so she would do the same for you as that’ll be quite transactional. All the best with your wedding and congrats but cut her some slack.

CallmeBadJanet · 23/02/2022 17:42

@1gem86
"I guess you're right. She's just like a sister to me so I thought I would do whatever was asked of me (as hard as it was ) as I was convinced she'd do the same."

I've said this to myself about a friend for many, many, years and only realised recently we were on a one way street. I know it's painful now, but help your future self and walk away. Focus on your DH and DS and let your other friendships blossom. Congratulations on your wedding 💖

wingsanddreams · 23/02/2022 17:44

It feels awful when that happens. I invited my best friend a few months before I informed everyone else to make sure she have time to reserve the date. She told me a week before my wedding she decided to go on a trip with work colleagues. Well, she's climbed up her career ladder pretty high now. We are still close, but I'm still a bit sad she wasn't there for me.

Juniper68 · 23/02/2022 17:57

@wingsanddreams

It feels awful when that happens. I invited my best friend a few months before I informed everyone else to make sure she have time to reserve the date. She told me a week before my wedding she decided to go on a trip with work colleagues. Well, she's climbed up her career ladder pretty high now. We are still close, but I'm still a bit sad she wasn't there for me.
I'm amazed you're still close.
Lunificent · 23/02/2022 17:57

Shoe doesn’t sound nice and not just because of this incident. From what you’ve said about how she speaks to you, she doesn’t come across well.

Mandyjack · 23/02/2022 18:09

YANBU
I went to a wedding on my due date for my husband's work friends wedding. We went to the evening and it was about a 20 min drive. It does seem mean that she's not prepared to attend at all yet let you take the reigns when it was her wedding. I think it's best to leave it and just say you'd love for her to be there is she can and carry on planning and enjoy your day

ChargingBuck · 23/02/2022 18:17

Aaaaaw OP your last update confirmed what many PP suspected, despite all the cold-hearted posts about you having to suck it up because nobody made you be such a good friend, etc.

She sounds totally self-absorbed. But at least you know that for a fact now, & won't be walking her one-way street again. I'd be tempted to just leave all the running to her now, with a view to phasing the selfish twat out in the long run. Flowers

BigButtons · 23/02/2022 18:18

she sounds like a pretend friend, a user. I'd let her go and enjoy your wedding and future.

HotWaterAndLemon · 23/02/2022 18:25

She's just like a sister to me so I thought I would do whatever was asked of me (as hard as it was ) as I was convinced she'd do the same
This realisation is like a punch in the stomach. Sorry OP.

I’d accept her position and move on. I wouldn’t be interested in maintaining any relationship with her anymore.

DaggerIsle · 23/02/2022 18:28

Basically sound like she's doesn't want to to go, which is rather shit.
If she cared about you she'd definitely want to work round the situation.

A friend of mine had her due date on her sister's wedding. She lied about it so she wouldn't stress the bride and on the day was 9 months pregnant, danced till 3 in the morning and had a fab time. She said later only active labour would have made her miss her sister's big day!
She ended up giving birth 2 days later.

Bleachmycloths · 23/02/2022 18:30

YANBU but maybe you made too much effort for her wedding. Perhaps she would have accepted it if you’d stayed at home with DS instead of leaving him for 4 nights.
IME people will accept everything given to them and done for them especially if they’ve not asked for it.
Doesn’t mean your friend is ungrateful or not a nice person although actually not attending your wedding is pretty bad. IMO she should accept and only not attend if she’s in labour or the baby is only a few days old.
You will probably remain friends but I don’t think you’ll feel the same about her again. Sorry 😐

Original poster
1gem86 · 23/02/2022 18:31

Yes she definitely doesn't want to go

My friends seem to think there's another reason behind it and maybe she's just using the pregnancy as an excuse. Who knows

OP posts:
mummyh2016 · 23/02/2022 18:37

She probably reads on here where half of MN seem to think you can't leave the house for a few months either side of your babies birth!
OP I wouldn't contact her now, I think leaving it up to her to contact you will show how much she values your friendship. Don't plan her baby shower or even attend it. Her not attending your wedding might be for the best anyway, going from what you've said about her she seems just the type to go into labour whilst at your wedding to steal your thunder Grin

billy1966 · 23/02/2022 18:39

@wingsanddreams.....just why?

If you can afford to get therapy to find out why your self esteem is so low to want to still be close to someone who obviously wanted to cause you pain a week before your wedding.

That you would keep her close to you is just awful.
Flowers

Sazzlepop22 · 23/02/2022 18:39

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Not shocking/ overly demanding bride turns into self obsessed mother to be- don’t worry sure you’ll be roped in to plan a gender reveal and baby shower soon enough!
This! Steer well clear OP. Get practicing saying no now!

Have a wonderful wedding day.

Bleachmycloths · 23/02/2022 18:43

Dear OP - this is my second response after going back and reading all your posts. I agree with your friend who suspects something weird is going on. You don’t refuse an invitation to your BF’s wedding because you’ll be 32-34 weeks pregnant.
Put her right out of your mind, concentrate on your supportive friends, plan a fabulous wedding and have a wonderful day.
And DON’T text her or send photos of your wedding day or anything wedding related. If she’s flatly refusing to go she doesn’t deserve it. Good luck.

Mummadeze · 23/02/2022 18:46

I took my staff out for a Christmas party and danced until midnight the night before I gave birth. Admittedly it was probably not the most sensible thing to do. But I do think she is being inconsiderate to not at least try to come. I understand why you are upset.

KeepingAnOpenMind · 23/02/2022 18:51

I’d be stepping back - she doesn’t sound much of a friend

Sarbears28 · 23/02/2022 18:59

It is a shame. My sister planned her wedding the day after my due date (planned before found out I was pregnant) I told her I would try my upmost to be there for it as I was maid of honour and I was going to do a reading for them. The only thing that would have kept me away from her wedding was either baby born the day before or on the day of her wedding. But I had a lazy baby who was 2days late soon was able to waddle through.

janj2301 · 23/02/2022 18:59

Re travelling whilst pregnant. DH, git a job in bruseeks, I drove out two/three times a month until I was 8 months, then he cane home every weekend and I drove to pick him up/drop him off at Dover or Heathrow, I live in Essex

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