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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at my best friend

255 replies

1gem86 · 21/02/2022 21:11

Sorry it's a long one. I would love your opinions on this ..

Been friends with her for over 10 years.

She got married recently and I was her maid of honour. Organised her 2 Hens, helped her plan every aspect of her wedding etc. (At this point I had a young baby and I was juggling sleepless nights, trying to be a good mum, partner & a good friend at the same time) because she's my best friend I just did it all. Left my baby with my partner for 4 nights to attend her hen do etc (which I didn't minds as that's what friends do .. even though it was extremely hard to leave DS behind)

I'm getting married soon & she's just announced to me that she'll be heavily pregnant at my wedding or have a young baby by that point so she won't be attending anymore and has dropped her role of being maid of honour... she also won't be attending or plan my hen anymore 😐

I don't mind the not organising the hen anymore as my other friends can do it but The wedding is 40 mins from where she lives... shouldn't she make the effort to come? Or at least plan to and see where she is by then? I've said to her that if she has a baby .. we'll be more than happy for them to bring the baby and will go out of our way to accommodate.. but she said NO ! Decision made & her baby is now the most important in her life. Which I get .. I have a DS too and he's the most important for me but I would still make effort for a friend.
AIBU to be angry? Or would you do the same?

OP posts:
WobbleMolly · 22/02/2022 17:37

Just like with dating, some men will string a woman along to get what they can out of it, but not actually care about her - just like that guy 'is just not that into you', your friend has shown by their actions that they are glad to take what you give, but don't really give a rat's arse about you.

Giraffesandbottoms · 22/02/2022 17:38

@phishy

Sorry, my point was that it’s actually quite far away from the due date and she’s very very unlikely to have a baby by then or be in labour/I don’t see why she can’t attend.

I fully agree re her rudeness too!

annaB2 · 22/02/2022 17:48

@Giraffesandbottoms

Is everyone missing that the wedding is 3 weeks before the due date?!
Not at all.

I don't think anyone would ever expect her to do anything she's not comfortable with surrounding her pregnancy/baby.

However the way she has handled this, and rudely made it clear that she wants no part in any of the lead up or anything, is what is making most people feel she's being a rubbish friend and basically just very selfish and uncaring.

I couldn't imagine treating a friend like this or speaking to her that way, no matter my circumstances.

annaB2 · 22/02/2022 17:52

I don't really understand the people who are like you should tell her it's ok etc, that you'd love her there in any way possible, and that you understand etc etc... but are also telling OP she was ridiculous for going out of her way to make an effort for the wedding when she was bridesmaid.

The friend has spoken to OP in such a rude, uncaring, unfriendly manner.... but OP is expected to go back and fawn over her?? Why? Surely that behaviour is likely to just add fuel to the fire in a one sided friendship, where one gets away with putting in zero effort.

Giraffesandbottoms · 22/02/2022 17:53

Ok I think my post didn’t come across clearly! I meant 3 weeks is plenty of time before a due date to attend a big nearby event!

DameHelena · 22/02/2022 17:59

I do think being heavily pregnant at a wedding might be quite hard/tiring (never been pregnant so willing to be corrected!)
And the logistics of a newborn at a wedding, even if the couple were as sweet and accommodating as the OP is prepared to be –again, I can imagine that being a bit daunting to say the least.

I think she's been abrupt, harsh and black-and-white about it though. She could have been much kinder, explained her reasons, said she'd see how she felt when it actually came to it, asked if there were little things she could help with...
I'd be upset too, OP.

looklikeanelephant · 22/02/2022 18:05

It is a bit crappy of her I think tbh. My brothers wedding I was his best (wo)man, his wedding was 25th august, my due date was 24th, as it happened DS was actually born 10th august but unless I was in labour i would have made an effort to go even if only for an hour or so.

Giraffesandbottoms · 22/02/2022 18:07

i do think being heavily pregnant at a wedding might be quite hard/tiring

Why? Most of a wedding is sitting on your arse. Some of it is sitting on your arse eating. I would absolutely roll myself there, sit at the church, demand a seat between church and food and then eat food. There is then the option to leave for the party element, which I probably would as tired. I don’t see it’s a hardship and it’s just a nice show of support!

Giraffesandbottoms · 22/02/2022 18:07

@looklikeanelephant

THAT is punchy timing 😆

Tequilabeliever · 22/02/2022 18:17

I don’t blame her for not attending or opting out of the whole wedding shebang. But conversely I wouldn’t have been as accommodating as you were about her wedding either.

Good luck with your wedding 💐

BoredZelda · 22/02/2022 21:18

Is everyone missing that the wedding is 3 weeks before the due date?!

No, they’re seeing it, just that usual thing that pregnant women are supposed to drag their arses to do anything because, you know, pregnancy isn’t an illness and I climbed Kilimanjaro when I was 8 months pregnant

BoredZelda · 22/02/2022 21:20

However the way she has handled this, and rudely made it clear that she wants no part in any of the lead up or anything

No indication that she did it rudely, and again, since when were people not in the wedding expected to do anything to organise the wedding?

Bethany7 · 22/02/2022 21:34

I feel for you O.P. and your thread reminds me of my previous best friend who I realised was actually quite selfish and only became apparent when I happened to get her engaged before her, pregnant before her etc. Couldn't be happy for me.
Anyway, I understand your sadness but I think in time you will be glad you have seen her true colours. Do not let this overshadow your joy and excitement at all the fun things you have to look forward to related to your hen and wedding. I also think in time you will look back and be relieved she wasn't your bridesmaid as she doesn't sound like a very nice friend and in time you would have seen that so better now than later. You sound like a wonderful friend and a lovely person so try your best to try and move on from this. Keep the friendship low key and in time I would let it fizzle out completely. You sound too good for her.
Enjoy your wedding and hen etc with all your other family and friends :)

Heartofglass12345 · 22/02/2022 22:16

You sound like you're better off without her, that must hurt Sad
The fact that she had 2 hens and you planned them both says it all to me.
I'm glad you have other friends to confide in and have a fantastic wedding Thanks

Swonderful · 22/02/2022 22:50

Can't believe how many people are suggesting cutting her loose. Everyone's got different tolerances of what they can manage when pregnant. I would have felt really stressed going to a wedding near the due date with mine as I had really quick labours. 18 minutes in full labour with one of them and 1 hour from first contraction. And yes I was also early.

Heartofglass12345 · 22/02/2022 23:40

@Swonderful it's the fact that she doesn't even sound remotely bothered though. And just an outright no, not even attempting to see how it goes. She sounds selfish and inconsiderate.

Lunificent · 22/02/2022 23:45

She must have shown other signs of selfishness in the past.

mummypie17 · 23/02/2022 08:07

I was working up until 37.5 weeks as a Youth Mentor at a secondary school. My workplace was 40 minutes from home and it was a 9 hour day. A wedding would have been doable for me a few weeks before my due date (but I probably would have struggled in the bridesmaid role).

irene9 · 23/02/2022 09:21

Thing is that some people are more decisive and boundaried than others. The reason you two get on so well may because of that.
You are flexible and work hard to please people. She is more self oriented and doesn't necessarily take others feelings into account.
She's different to you. She makes her mind up and sticks to it. That makes her feel safe. What makes you feel safe is the opposite, it's that you know you can go along with what others want for the sake of harmony. It makes you a team player. For her, the function is not harmony, it's having control.
The timing is unfortunate but when the wedding arrives she be in a position to attend part of it.
You could keep an open mind. But let her know the sentiment behind it is that you value her friendship and when the time comes you'd love to see her.
She didn't ask you to go beyond your resources to help her big day. You chose that 'freely'.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/02/2022 11:33

[quote Giraffesandbottoms]@phishy

Sorry, my point was that it’s actually quite far away from the due date and she’s very very unlikely to have a baby by then or be in labour/I don’t see why she can’t attend.

I fully agree re her rudeness too![/quote]
Exactly, I was still working full-time 3 weeks before I had either of my children. To say she won't be able to sit down for a meal, 40 minutes away from where she lives 3 weeks before she's even due is precious and is certainly bad friend behaviour imho. Obviously if she was unwell around then or had the baby early the OP would understand fgs

Gonnagetgoing · 23/02/2022 11:49

@Swonderful and @irene9 - agreed with both of these but especially around @irene9's para re personalities/characters/boundaries etc.

I agree with both of you actually - OP hasn't come back but OP did give her time freely as you seem to be more of a people pleaser. Only OP and her best friend know about the other's characters and personalities the most, not MN but it looks like OP has decided to drop her best friend anyway due to this.

If it were me, if best friend had form for doing this time after time and generally being difficult and a shit friend then yes I'd ditch her. A one off I'd give her a pass or make allowances.

An example - DB's SIL had a best friend. She was a guest at SIL's wedding and a close but not best friend then. FFW a few years to SIL having just had a baby who was late in being born. Best friend was getting married and SIL was MOH and had organised everything. SIL was rushing around on the day attending a Hen's Breakfast but she couldn't attend the Hen Do Day as baby was only a week old if that. Then the wedding, SIL attended this and did her MOH duties, tired and still BFing but did her best - best friend seemed to be fine with this.

Then FFW to first lockdown (2020) where they both worked together on a project - best friend went home to her home country and SIL was living away from her home - they both fell out as best friend was very needy (always had been) but didn't seem to make allowances for SIL having a toddler and finding it hard to cope with working and looking after toddler. They've now fallen out/ended their friendship for good.

So if the situation here is with examples like above then yes, I would be annoyed.

BlondeWidow · 23/02/2022 14:32

Wow. She made you leave your baby for FOUR nights? My baby is 7 years old and I still haven't spent more than 1 night away from her! How unbelievably cruel of her........ Then to abandon your wedding? Unforgivable

PurpleDaisies · 23/02/2022 14:56

@BlondeWidow

Wow. She made you leave your baby for FOUR nights? My baby is 7 years old and I still haven't spent more than 1 night away from her! How unbelievably cruel of her........ Then to abandon your wedding? Unforgivable
The op chose to do this.
phishy · 23/02/2022 15:01

[quote Giraffesandbottoms]@phishy

Sorry, my point was that it’s actually quite far away from the due date and she’s very very unlikely to have a baby by then or be in labour/I don’t see why she can’t attend.

I fully agree re her rudeness too![/quote]
Gotcha, sorry 😊

koalalala · 23/02/2022 15:29

I actually think YABU but I understand why you're feeling hurt too.

I wouldn't have left my son for four hours let alone four nights! I absolutely would not have wanted to and he was EBF anyway so it would have been impossible.

Secondly I attended 2 weddings, one at 37 weeks and the other at 38. I delivered at 38+3 and to be completely honest both were incredibly uncomfortable and I didn't enjoy them at all. I was exhausted. However if I had my time again I'd have still gone to the second one. I'm glad I made the effort for a very close friend and she really enjoyed me being there. I left early and nobody batted an eyelid. I know she'd do the same for me.

Taking a newborn to a wedding would be really difficult. What on earth would I have worn that I would look presentable and could have got my boob out 150 times. Baby learning to breastfeed was hard going when I was sat at home on the sofa. I was exhausted and not sleeping and still recovering from an emergency section. What are they doing to do with a screaming baby half the day? Honestly I wouldn't and I think she's done the right thing by opting out now before you make any further plans.

If she's a great mate then stop judging her because of the choices you made in relation to her wedding. Support your friend.

I'd honestly reply, congratulations on your pregnancy and I understand your decision it can't have been an easy one to make. I appreciate your honesty at an early stage. I'll miss you but perhaps we can do something special to celebrate at a more convenient time.

I would throw away any meaningful friendship over a wedding!