Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dealing with racial microaggressions from white male manager

133 replies

Quirkyme · 21/02/2022 15:07

Hi,

There's so much going on at work now.

In addition to those issues , my manager has been making racial comments.

So started in this team a few months prior and I noticed in my first team meeting that he kept referring to a "black woman" in an advert, (he emphasised this about 3x) but her ethnicity had nothing to do with the point he was making about said advert.

Following that, every interaction after he would drop in the name of black rappers and singers he knew, despite the fact we weren't talking about rappers/singers or music or anything related to said artists.

These exchanges were via Teams.

Recently, we had a team lunch, in person, he asked me my heritage - and when I said it, he said he "knew it" because we all "looked the same and have the same features". I was taken aback by this visibly , and said "oh wow okay"

I replied saying along the lines of "actually, a lot of people don't often guess correctly where I'm from, some have thought I'm from "insert different regions of Africa" or that I'm Caribbean", he then was taken aback and said "Caribbean?!' - as if he was some expert on what Caribbeans look like.

He then went on to tell me his "best friend was black", that he has "black friends" and listed where all of them were from.

Wtf.

I'm literally waiting for him to tell me next that he has had "black girlfriends". It's weird as hell.

Has anyone dealt with this with management?

I've dealt with this before in the past with friends and white men who tried it on and I've very quickly nipped that in the bud, and left that there.

But this guy is my manager.
I'm tired of this.

OP posts:
ohhooh · 21/02/2022 15:10

I'm cringing reading that OP! I'm not able to offer advice personally - there is a black mumsnetters board I think, there might be some more knowledgeable people who have been in this situation and have the experience to advise if no one in AIBU is able to

Original poster
Quirkyme · 21/02/2022 15:13

@ohhooh

I'm cringing reading that OP! I'm not able to offer advice personally - there is a black mumsnetters board I think, there might be some more knowledgeable people who have been in this situation and have the experience to advise if no one in AIBU is able to
I know right... can you imagine how I feel experiencing this, honestly something else.

Ive posted there too

OP posts:
SalsaLove · 21/02/2022 15:14

“Considering your remarks perhaps this business could do with some diversity training. Shall I look into it? Or ask HR?”

User53724 · 21/02/2022 15:15

Urgh this sounds awful OP, I'm sorry :(

What do you think the intentions behind these comments are? Does he come across as though he thinks he's being 'inclusive' (while actually coming across as tone deaf) or does it come across as actual racist undertones?

Pixiedust1234 · 21/02/2022 15:17

I was taken aback by your post...what the hell? All I can think of he is using a form of mansplaining your race to you. Whats he like on other subjects, does he mansplain those too?

Mummytobe93 · 21/02/2022 15:18

Bloody hell, some people!
“I’ve got a black friend” doesn’t give you the right to be racist!

Completely unprofessional, I’d go to his line manager or whoever is higher up AND to HR

EmmaH2022 · 21/02/2022 15:20

How long have you worked there?

Experience tells me he is going to ask you out.

I refuse to answer the heritage questions but I think others would be shocked by that too. Have people seen him do this on Teams? Complain to HR?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/02/2022 15:20

Oh God how embarrassing. He is making a right tit of himself. I'm not black but I'm an older woman so lots of dumb ageist comments all the time. I am a master of immediately changing the subject the second anyone starts until they eventually give up and go away.

BananaBlue · 21/02/2022 15:21

Urgh hugs to you OP, it’s so bloody tiring.

Generally I tend to respond ‘why do you ask?’ to many of these sort of questions as it often stops the asker in their tracks.

I’ve no useful advice though but I really feel it for you.

BowerOfBramble · 21/02/2022 15:21

OP! This sounds fucking intolerable. He sounds like something out of The Office and that was made 20 years ago and it was mocking crap bosses then.

Honestly what I would do is write an email very much along the lines of the OP, listing dates if you have them, and send it to your manager’s boss asking them to have a word with him as it’s making things awkward for you at work. If you have a diversity officer or a union type I would either copy them in or forward the email to them as well. Hopefully he just needs someone to tell him to SHUT UP and stop being so racist and weird.

Btw I’m no expert but if you’re having trouble sorting through this shitshiw in your mind and you’re wondering what the most serious bit is in terms of management taking it seriously, I’d say the worst bit is “ Recently, we had a team lunch, in person, he asked me my heritage - and when I said it, he said he "knew it" because we all "looked the same and have the same features".”

Mrsmadevans · 21/02/2022 15:21

I have a feeling he is trying too hard to be inclusive tbh . I know you must be really annoyed about his behaviour and l don't blame you , it sounds as if he needs some training in diversity and inclusion.
So sorry you had to listen to this twerp OP Flowers

BowerOfBramble · 21/02/2022 15:23

I reckon he thinks he’s being both inclusive and charming. He probably fancies you as well. Honestly I want to kick him just thinking about him.

How have your colleagues reacted by the way? I’m not black but if I was in a lunch situation where this conversation was had I’d be chipping in in support of you. Or at least trying to shut him up.

Purplewithred · 21/02/2022 15:28

I'm with @SalsaLove and @Mrsmadevans. He sounds like Basil Fawlty trying not to mention The War (but not in a funny way).

mamajemma · 21/02/2022 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eightiesfan · 21/02/2022 15:32

Ah, that old chestnut “some of my best friends are black’ basically translates as “I’m a racist tosser”

Gonnagetgoing · 21/02/2022 15:33

Where do you work? Could you suggest racial diversity etc training? I have had this in government contracts and whilst most companies should offer this I'm aware that a lot don't.

He really needs to be put right on this though by HR and be told that it's not ok or the correct way to go about it.

Hoppinggreen · 21/02/2022 15:33

Jesus is he David Brent?
The only people who try so hard not to be racist are people who are actually racist
The difficulty is that taken in isolation each comment isn’t terrible but as a combination it’s awful.
Could you just refuse to answer or change the subject and hope he stops?

murasaki · 21/02/2022 15:37

That is shit, OP, I'd be off to HR with a diversity training request as said. You shouldn't have to put up with that. I've never had any manager ask me (white ) where I come from. Although if I did, I can guarantee that they'd question why I didn't have a brummie accent, always happens on social occasions. But it is totally not the same thing. Its completely unacceptable that you should have to put up with this.

FlushTheLoo · 21/02/2022 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

GlowBuzzers · 21/02/2022 15:39

God he sounds like David Brent from the Office who did the same thing. Except David Brent is supposed to be an embarrassing dick, whereas your boss is doing it seriously! Hmm

FlushTheLoo · 21/02/2022 15:42

He sounds awful. Sorry you have to put up with this shit OP. Stamp it out!

Nanny0gg · 21/02/2022 15:42

@Quirkyme

Hi,

There's so much going on at work now.

In addition to those issues , my manager has been making racial comments.

So started in this team a few months prior and I noticed in my first team meeting that he kept referring to a "black woman" in an advert, (he emphasised this about 3x) but her ethnicity had nothing to do with the point he was making about said advert.

Following that, every interaction after he would drop in the name of black rappers and singers he knew, despite the fact we weren't talking about rappers/singers or music or anything related to said artists.

These exchanges were via Teams.

Recently, we had a team lunch, in person, he asked me my heritage - and when I said it, he said he "knew it" because we all "looked the same and have the same features". I was taken aback by this visibly , and said "oh wow okay"

I replied saying along the lines of "actually, a lot of people don't often guess correctly where I'm from, some have thought I'm from "insert different regions of Africa" or that I'm Caribbean", he then was taken aback and said "Caribbean?!' - as if he was some expert on what Caribbeans look like.

He then went on to tell me his "best friend was black", that he has "black friends" and listed where all of them were from.

Wtf.

I'm literally waiting for him to tell me next that he has had "black girlfriends". It's weird as hell.

Has anyone dealt with this with management?

I've dealt with this before in the past with friends and white men who tried it on and I've very quickly nipped that in the bud, and left that there.

But this guy is my manager.
I'm tired of this.

Surely you escalate this to whomever is above him or HR?

Totally inappropriate and unnecessary.

Sorry you're having to deal with this.

sadpapercourtesan · 21/02/2022 15:43

I'm cringing at the posters trying to guess the OP's heritage from the bloke's "you all look the same" comment. Unbelievable.

He's a dickhead, a creep and my suspicion would be that he fancies you in a revolting, fetishistic sort of way. He needs putting on his arse straight before he goes any further. I'd talk to HR/his manager depending on the structure of the company.

EmmaH2022 · 21/02/2022 15:44

@mamajemma

Wouldn't take it to heart, at all

Referring to someone as black or white isn't racist, it's just a fact

White person to white person it wouldn't be an issue to say "where did you originate from"... For example some Eastern European people have similar features depending on where their family originated from.

Some Somalian women also have similar features so you can sometimes take a guess at where some people come from/originate from

This is the same all around the world no matter the colour of your skin

The fact he is asking and showing an interest in your family culture and it being turned around as somehow racist speaks volumes about what's wrong with the world today

The last time I objected to someone asking me these questions, he responded the same way.

I feel like I want to point out he was not English and had come from another country's branch of the company so he would have had very different training.

I politely suggested that he stick to work talk but he was quite baffled, he did it to other staff and HR ended up having a word. He went back home thinking we were all horrible, I think!

I did try to say my "family culture" is English but he wasn't having any of it.

goodwinter · 21/02/2022 15:46

@mamajemma

Wouldn't take it to heart, at all

Referring to someone as black or white isn't racist, it's just a fact

White person to white person it wouldn't be an issue to say "where did you originate from"... For example some Eastern European people have similar features depending on where their family originated from.

Some Somalian women also have similar features so you can sometimes take a guess at where some people come from/originate from

This is the same all around the world no matter the colour of your skin

The fact he is asking and showing an interest in your family culture and it being turned around as somehow racist speaks volumes about what's wrong with the world today

Can you point me to where he is trying to learn about OP's "family culture"? All I can see is a strange fixation on race, brought up constantly and out of nowhere.