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Original poster

Dealing with racial microaggressions from white male manager

133 replies

Quirkyme · 21/02/2022 15:07

Hi,

There's so much going on at work now.

In addition to those issues , my manager has been making racial comments.

So started in this team a few months prior and I noticed in my first team meeting that he kept referring to a "black woman" in an advert, (he emphasised this about 3x) but her ethnicity had nothing to do with the point he was making about said advert.

Following that, every interaction after he would drop in the name of black rappers and singers he knew, despite the fact we weren't talking about rappers/singers or music or anything related to said artists.

These exchanges were via Teams.

Recently, we had a team lunch, in person, he asked me my heritage - and when I said it, he said he "knew it" because we all "looked the same and have the same features". I was taken aback by this visibly , and said "oh wow okay"

I replied saying along the lines of "actually, a lot of people don't often guess correctly where I'm from, some have thought I'm from "insert different regions of Africa" or that I'm Caribbean", he then was taken aback and said "Caribbean?!' - as if he was some expert on what Caribbeans look like.

He then went on to tell me his "best friend was black", that he has "black friends" and listed where all of them were from.

Wtf.

I'm literally waiting for him to tell me next that he has had "black girlfriends". It's weird as hell.

Has anyone dealt with this with management?

I've dealt with this before in the past with friends and white men who tried it on and I've very quickly nipped that in the bud, and left that there.

But this guy is my manager.
I'm tired of this.

OP posts:
Burgoo · 21/02/2022 19:25

What an utterly bizarre individual!

Whilst I would always err on the said of caution when interpreting someone's behaviour - they are also a rather odd things to come out with. We can suspect the intention all we like and it may well be that he thinks this is a way of bonding and showing that he has interests that may appeal to you. Of course its crazy to think that you would like things just based on race but that doesn't take away from the fact that many of these people are completely clueless.

I can see why you feel dismayed and angry about this. You gave him a good response and he didn't seem to pick up the hint. It may well be that a more direct approach to this may be helpful. Bringing to his awareness that his comments have left you feeling uncomfortable. I'd like to assume that there is no malice in this and at the same time if you don't correct him he will likely do it again.

Its a tough one. He may be mortified and he may also shrug and say you have the problem. I don't buy diversity training's effectiveness; if people are inherently racist, no amount of education will change that. I've sat through a variety of trainings with people nodding and agreeing, then walking out and saying "that was a complete waste of time" and putting the resources in the bin.

It shouldn't be your role to give this information to him and at the same time if you don't then nothing will change.

Where are your colleagues in this? Had I been there I'd have politely taken him aside and gently mentioned to him that what he said may not be as reasonable as he thought it was. Why didn't anyone intervene? It may well be that they are intimidated and worried about their job. It may be a culture in the office of accepting it. Either way I'm more interested in how the whole team didn't bat an eyelid. Its rather astounding.

Good luck! It sounds a deeply painful place to be.

HappyDays40 · 21/02/2022 19:57

He is trying to prove that he isn't "racist" although name dropping some black rappers and saying he has black friends is like the classic white person racist statement. What a price. Could you speak with another manager or HR?

HappyDays40 · 21/02/2022 19:58

Sorry not price "prick"

Natty13 · 21/02/2022 20:02

I want to say I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It isn't acceptable but its difficult to know how to navigate when he is in a position of power.

What do you think about saying "you dont need to bring up my race in every conversation you know" with a sme or a wink. I'm usually a very direct person (and get away with murder because I say everything with a genuine smile) so this is as hinting as I could bear to be.

Natty13 · 21/02/2022 20:09

@Burgoo

What an utterly bizarre individual!

Whilst I would always err on the said of caution when interpreting someone's behaviour - they are also a rather odd things to come out with. We can suspect the intention all we like and it may well be that he thinks this is a way of bonding and showing that he has interests that may appeal to you. Of course its crazy to think that you would like things just based on race but that doesn't take away from the fact that many of these people are completely clueless.

I can see why you feel dismayed and angry about this. You gave him a good response and he didn't seem to pick up the hint. It may well be that a more direct approach to this may be helpful. Bringing to his awareness that his comments have left you feeling uncomfortable. I'd like to assume that there is no malice in this and at the same time if you don't correct him he will likely do it again.

Its a tough one. He may be mortified and he may also shrug and say you have the problem. I don't buy diversity training's effectiveness; if people are inherently racist, no amount of education will change that. I've sat through a variety of trainings with people nodding and agreeing, then walking out and saying "that was a complete waste of time" and putting the resources in the bin.

It shouldn't be your role to give this information to him and at the same time if you don't then nothing will change.

Where are your colleagues in this? Had I been there I'd have politely taken him aside and gently mentioned to him that what he said may not be as reasonable as he thought it was. Why didn't anyone intervene? It may well be that they are intimidated and worried about their job. It may be a culture in the office of accepting it. Either way I'm more interested in how the whole team didn't bat an eyelid. Its rather astounding.

Good luck! It sounds a deeply painful place to be.

As depressing as it is, someone may have pulled him up on it. I have done this before and got brushed off so advised the member of staff next time to go to HR because a quiet word didn't work and clearly the manager thought they were in the right.
ShineTogether · 21/02/2022 23:04

@ChargingBuck
Agreed. Absolutely I don't get challenged on where am I "really" from. That is not something I have to put up with at all.
I was only referring to the people saying no one ever asks where they're from bc they're white. You and other pp are totally right that it's different tho.
Sorry if I've derailed.

And OP I hope you get supported at work to address this

nalabae · 22/02/2022 00:12

he seems to me he is tryng to fit in with you or he likes you and being totally cringe about it.

BornBlonde · 22/02/2022 01:22

OP that's shocking. I agree with highlighting this to HR or his manager with the examples given

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