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Original poster

Dealing with racial microaggressions from white male manager

133 replies

Quirkyme · 21/02/2022 15:07

Hi,

There's so much going on at work now.

In addition to those issues , my manager has been making racial comments.

So started in this team a few months prior and I noticed in my first team meeting that he kept referring to a "black woman" in an advert, (he emphasised this about 3x) but her ethnicity had nothing to do with the point he was making about said advert.

Following that, every interaction after he would drop in the name of black rappers and singers he knew, despite the fact we weren't talking about rappers/singers or music or anything related to said artists.

These exchanges were via Teams.

Recently, we had a team lunch, in person, he asked me my heritage - and when I said it, he said he "knew it" because we all "looked the same and have the same features". I was taken aback by this visibly , and said "oh wow okay"

I replied saying along the lines of "actually, a lot of people don't often guess correctly where I'm from, some have thought I'm from "insert different regions of Africa" or that I'm Caribbean", he then was taken aback and said "Caribbean?!' - as if he was some expert on what Caribbeans look like.

He then went on to tell me his "best friend was black", that he has "black friends" and listed where all of them were from.

Wtf.

I'm literally waiting for him to tell me next that he has had "black girlfriends". It's weird as hell.

Has anyone dealt with this with management?

I've dealt with this before in the past with friends and white men who tried it on and I've very quickly nipped that in the bud, and left that there.

But this guy is my manager.
I'm tired of this.

OP posts:
Daydreamsinsantafe · 21/02/2022 17:43

Mixed raced children that should read

Daydreamsinsantafe · 21/02/2022 17:44

And omit the ‘often’. My phone is having fun today

Soontobe60 · 21/02/2022 17:44

@Member869894

isn't he just being a bit dim rather than racist? '
You do know that being racist isn’t always something someone consciously sets out to do? His ‘dimness’ as you so graciously put it has resulted in him behaving in a racist manner and whether he realises it or not, it still needs to be addressed.
starfro · 21/02/2022 17:50

[quote Daydreamsinsantafe]@starfro in the way that slave owners had mixed raced Christmas often from the black women they owned and raped.

In the way that my white family make racists remarks all the time but can’t be racist because I’m black...

Need I go on[/quote]
So a white person being best friends with a black person is the same as owning slaves and raping them?

Jammysod · 21/02/2022 17:51

Regardless of whether he's trying too hard to be inclusive or just plain old racist, it needs to be addressed.

If you feel comfortable, could you raise it with him & discuss how it's coming across?
If you don't feel like he can be challenged, raise it with HR.

Nobody should be made to feel that way.

Hopefully he'll be open to the conversation & take on board what you're saying.

Appleseesaw · 21/02/2022 17:54

@starfro
“How can you be best friends with someone if you're racially prejudiced towards them?”

Because the best friends ‘aren’t like the rest of them’.

Soontobe60 · 21/02/2022 17:55

[quote Daydreamsinsantafe]@starfro

Racist people don’t say they have black friends etc?? They definitely definitely do. It’s textbook in fact.
Racist people also have black family, spouses, children... you live under a rock.[/quote]
Absolutely - it is usually preceded with ‘I’m not racist…’ and followed with a classic racist comment. Eg
“I’m not racist, my best friend is Black, but I don’t think we should allow any more people from (insert any African or Middle Eastern country) into our country because they’re not real refugees.”

Daydreamsinsantafe · 21/02/2022 17:57

@starfro I answered the question you asked. Now you are asking another and going off on a tangent to be deliberately obtuse.

Perhaps a more relatable example to yourself is the commitment of some to defend racism. I find those to be equally as offensive as the overt ones.

RickRude · 21/02/2022 18:01

starfro

Wow, just wow. I can’t tell if you’re being deliberately obtuse or if you really feel like that. Don’t know which ones worse.

iklboo · 21/02/2022 18:01

I know he is an arsehole but you probably want to keep your job and not upset your boss. It's difficult to know what to say or do which won't fire him up and make him worse.

The Equality Act 2010 would know what to say. OP shouldn't raise concerns because she 'wants to keep her job'? She shouldn't speak in case it 'makes him worse'.

Jesus fucking Christ. OP, best keep you head down to stop rocking the boat. Know. Your. Place.

VivX · 21/02/2022 18:03

My sympathies, OP. It's definitely racist. He needs to be taken aside and have it explained to him.

For those who don't think it's racism, or that this person was being "friendly" or somehow mean well, think yourselves lucky you've never been on the receiving end of such BS.

Ignorance is never an excuse or defence for racism.

Also, most comments that start with, "My friend/best friend/neighbour/whatever is black/asian/brown and so on... because of course, you can't be racist if you know a black person, can you Hmm

LakieLady · 21/02/2022 18:03

@Member869894

isn't he just being a bit dim rather than racist? '
The two aren't mutually exclusive. In fact, they often go together.
Original poster
Quirkyme · 21/02/2022 18:04

@RickRude

starfro

Wow, just wow. I can’t tell if you’re being deliberately obtuse or if you really feel like that. Don’t know which ones worse.

Agree @starfro give it a rest and stop taking the piss. Interesting how you chose to ask a Q comparing what you did, but ignored what the person had also mentioned about their family members.

Seriously, give it a rest.

OP posts:
starfro · 21/02/2022 18:05

[quote Daydreamsinsantafe]@starfro I answered the question you asked. Now you are asking another and going off on a tangent to be deliberately obtuse.

Perhaps a more relatable example to yourself is the commitment of some to defend racism. I find those to be equally as offensive as the overt ones.[/quote]
You're the one that brought up "raping black women". I'm not sure you really meant to do that.

You are perfectly entitled to find anything you want to offensive. You can think that the whole population is full of evil people trying their best to be as horrible to each other as possible. I am a more positive person and try to see the good in people.

Most people are nice and try and get along with others. Almost all of the time disagreements happen inadvertently rather than maliciously.

Zillamop · 21/02/2022 18:11

Next time he blathers on about a random black person he once met, tell him about a random white person you met. Continue every time he mentions ethnicity for no reason. He went shopping with his aunt's black boyfriend? You went shopping with your Indonesian half brother, your South African second cousin twice removed, your Japanese next door neighbour and your black cousin. After a while he will ask why you're telling him this. You say 'You always say what ethnicity everyone is so I thought it was especially interesting to you'. He might not do it again after that.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 21/02/2022 18:12

How is "you all look the same" not racist?

Honestly, some people seem to think nothing short of setting a cross on fire on someone's front lawn can be considered racist.

No. Fucking. Clue. 🙄

titchy · 21/02/2022 18:14

Almost all of the time disagreements happen inadvertently rather than maliciously.

Inadvertent racism is still racism. And should be called out.

mummykel16 · 21/02/2022 18:43

@Jammysod

Regardless of whether he's trying too hard to be inclusive or just plain old racist, it needs to be addressed.

If you feel comfortable, could you raise it with him & discuss how it's coming across?
If you don't feel like he can be challenged, raise it with HR.

Nobody should be made to feel that way.

Hopefully he'll be open to the conversation & take on board what you're saying.

Best comment
Cherrysoup · 21/02/2022 18:48

‘You all look the same’?! Holy hell, that’s massively objectionable! Seriously, get yourself to HR!

Daydreamsinsantafe · 21/02/2022 18:49

@Jammysod with all due respect no one would suggest OP have a quiet word with the guy at work who was sexually harassing her. ‘Maybe tell him you prefer him not to slap your arse as you walk by’.

It’s exhausting living with racism. What energy is left shouldn’t be spent on helping out the racist. OP doesn’t owe him a polite conversation of any sort. I can guarantee that if she went down that route he would take great pleasure in gaslighting her.

Muckycat · 21/02/2022 18:53

Christ what an awkward and embarrassing man. I'm not sure whether his motivations are ingratiating himself or deliberately othering you, but he seems to have been asleep for the past decade if the thinks that 'all people from X look the same' etc is acceptable.

I would advise against addressing this with him face to face without seeking advice first. He will likely take offence, attempt to minimise and justify his comments, and this could have repercussions for your work environment.

Instead, I would make a list of all of these comments and incidents, with rough dates in order to show the full picture, and arrange a call with HR or the diversity lead to plan next steps, hopefully extra training will be offered to him. Follow this up in writing.

In the meantime, why not try and make him feel more included by breaking into a bit of Cliff Richard or Englebert Humperdinck whenever he is nearby?

Jammysod · 21/02/2022 18:55

At what point did I say 'help the racist', or even make the conversation polite. I said address it...if you can't do it directly with the person responsible, do it via the official channels at work.

VivX · 21/02/2022 18:59

Where are you really from? :

Daydreamsinsantafe · 21/02/2022 19:04

@Jammysod you suggested she ‘raise it with him and discuss how it’s coming across’.
I made the assumption that you would be speaking to him calmly to convey her point. I apologise if you didn’t mean that.
A conversation with what we all agree to be a racist is fruitless. At this point she should only be considering herself & not assisting with his understanding of his own behaviour.

VivX · 21/02/2022 19:14

@starfro
I am a more positive person and try to see the good in people.

Most people are nice and try and get along with others. Almost all of the time disagreements happen inadvertently rather than maliciously.

Why are you trying to make excuses for OP's racist manager?

His remarks are racist. It doesn't matter if he was "inadvertently" racist. It is still racist.

But do you really believe that the comment all "looked the same and have the same features" was him being "nice"?