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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dealing with racial microaggressions from white male manager

133 replies

Quirkyme · 21/02/2022 15:07

Hi,

There's so much going on at work now.

In addition to those issues , my manager has been making racial comments.

So started in this team a few months prior and I noticed in my first team meeting that he kept referring to a "black woman" in an advert, (he emphasised this about 3x) but her ethnicity had nothing to do with the point he was making about said advert.

Following that, every interaction after he would drop in the name of black rappers and singers he knew, despite the fact we weren't talking about rappers/singers or music or anything related to said artists.

These exchanges were via Teams.

Recently, we had a team lunch, in person, he asked me my heritage - and when I said it, he said he "knew it" because we all "looked the same and have the same features". I was taken aback by this visibly , and said "oh wow okay"

I replied saying along the lines of "actually, a lot of people don't often guess correctly where I'm from, some have thought I'm from "insert different regions of Africa" or that I'm Caribbean", he then was taken aback and said "Caribbean?!' - as if he was some expert on what Caribbeans look like.

He then went on to tell me his "best friend was black", that he has "black friends" and listed where all of them were from.

Wtf.

I'm literally waiting for him to tell me next that he has had "black girlfriends". It's weird as hell.

Has anyone dealt with this with management?

I've dealt with this before in the past with friends and white men who tried it on and I've very quickly nipped that in the bud, and left that there.

But this guy is my manager.
I'm tired of this.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 21/02/2022 15:46

@mamajemma

Wouldn't take it to heart, at all

Referring to someone as black or white isn't racist, it's just a fact

White person to white person it wouldn't be an issue to say "where did you originate from"... For example some Eastern European people have similar features depending on where their family originated from.

Some Somalian women also have similar features so you can sometimes take a guess at where some people come from/originate from

This is the same all around the world no matter the colour of your skin

The fact he is asking and showing an interest in your family culture and it being turned around as somehow racist speaks volumes about what's wrong with the world today

Being white, I've never in my life been asked where I originate from (answer - East London)

However as many people thought my mother was Jewish, she had it from some family members. (answer - Yorkshire) but absolutely racist. Just wasn't considered so that many years ago

The OP's patronising manager (I'm down with the Black Culture, innit) is definitely racist.

And that's what's wrong with the world today

Hospedia · 21/02/2022 15:47

The fact he is asking and showing an interest in your family culture and it being turned around as somehow racist speaks volumes about what's wrong with the world today

Oh so he's just one of those nice racists, is he? Trying to be polite and friendly. Righty-ho then.

OP, I'd go to HR and deal with it via them. At best he needs some diversity training and for someone more senior to tell him wind his fucking neck in but HR will be best placed to know whether this is a training issue or whether its the latest in a series of incidents (my money is on the latter as I'd bet he has form for these sort of comments).

Arabellla · 21/02/2022 15:51

@mamajemma

Wouldn't take it to heart, at all

Referring to someone as black or white isn't racist, it's just a fact

Some Somalian women also have similar features so you can sometimes take a guess at where some people come from/originate from

This is the same all around the world no matter the colour of your skin

The fact he is asking and showing an interest in your family culture and it being turned around as somehow racist speaks volumes about what's wrong with the world today

Where's a facepalm emoji when you need one.

Quirkyme · 21/02/2022 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes deleted post

MissAngorian · 21/02/2022 15:55

@mamajemma Did you wake up this morning planning to endorse a racist, or did it just happen?

Ihatesw · 21/02/2022 15:55

Your post reminds me of the chapter from one of my favourite books “why I’m no longer talking to white people about race”

In my experience- log everything and use it when you need to to reference the behaviours as well as impact on you

Arabellla · 21/02/2022 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes deleted post

mummykel16 · 21/02/2022 15:56

@Quirkyme

Hi,

There's so much going on at work now.

In addition to those issues , my manager has been making racial comments.

These exchanges were via Teams.

He then went on to tell me his "best friend was black", that he has "black friends" and listed where all of them were from.

Wtf.

I'm literally waiting for him to tell me next that he has had "black girlfriends". It's weird as hell.

Has anyone dealt with this with management?

I've dealt with this before in the past with friends and white men who tried it on and I've very quickly nipped that in the bud, and left that there.

But this guy is my manager.
I'm tired of this.

It's cultural, nothing to worry about

You could always ask him the same things too

ChargingBuck · 21/02/2022 15:57

[quote MissAngorian]@mamajemma Did you wake up this morning planning to endorse a racist, or did it just happen?[/quote]

CorrBlimeyGG · 21/02/2022 15:59

I've a feeling @FlushTheLoo's comment is a shocked response to @mamajemma's pile of racism. They do make a further comment saying how unacceptable it is.

Arabellla · 21/02/2022 15:59

@mummykel16

It's cultural, nothing to worry about

Cultural to be a racist knobhead?

BowerOfBramble · 21/02/2022 15:59

So @Quirkyme are you going to speak to his manager/your union/HR/a diversity rep? I hope you do. I'm sure you feel pressure not to kick up a fuss but honestly he needs telling not just for your sake - what if a new trainee came in who was less confident, it'd be a nightmare.

I too am willing to bet he's been doing this for years. And then will mysteriously wonder why no black people stay working for him for long.

BananaBlue · 21/02/2022 15:59

The fact he is asking and showing an interest in your family culture and it being turned around as somehow racist speaks volumes about what's wrong with the world today

What does the OPs family culture have to do with work/her manager?
I’m all for small talk in the office but there are limits.

He is othering the OP and hyper visualising her race.

It’s irritating.

Sexnotgender · 21/02/2022 16:01

God how embarrassing.

Can you raise it with his manager?

mummykel16 · 21/02/2022 16:04

That is not what I said at all, or what I meant

sadpapercourtesan · 21/02/2022 16:05

@mummykel16

That is not what I said at all, or what I meant

What did you mean? I'm genuinely intrigued, as I found your "it's cultural" post rather mystifying.

Member869894 · 21/02/2022 16:06

isn't he just being a bit dim rather than racist? '

BowerOfBramble · 21/02/2022 16:06

@BananaBlue

The fact he is asking and showing an interest in your family culture and it being turned around as somehow racist speaks volumes about what's wrong with the world today

What does the OPs family culture have to do with work/her manager?
I’m all for small talk in the office but there are limits.

He is othering the OP and hyper visualising her race.

It’s irritating.

Exactly. No one ever asks where I'm from, because I'm white. All my friends who aren't white, even if their names are far more "british" than mine, get asked ALL THE TIME. Especially in every new job.

Racism apologists like to pretend we ask everyone "where are you from?" and then if the answer is somewhere in Britain we ask "where are you really from?" or "where are your parents from?" but - duh - white people seldom get this. It's Not Normal to enquire into the heritage of all new joiners, OP is getting "special treatment" because she's black. It's obviously not at all the same as people's background/heritage coming up normally in conversation.

I have heard the best way to get someone to change their behaviour is to model it yourself. E.g. the OP could constantly refer to the "white man" reading the news or the "white children" in an advert. She could bring random white singers, maybe Ed Sheeran or Dolly Parton, into the conversation for no reason. And of course she could ask where her boss is from and when he says "Plymouth" say "I knew it, everyone in Plymouth has the same face."

Bakedbanana · 21/02/2022 16:07

Would be interested to know how old your manager is. My mum talks in a similar way . She's in her 70s (and white). She actually did some anti racist stuff in our area in the 70s and 80s, albeit in a paternalistic way. But her version of things is that people's culture/ background needs to be mentioned and acknowledged and celebrated and discussed but it sometimes comes out...badly. It's really cringe and I have to often say 'but that's not relevant'.

mummykel16 · 21/02/2022 16:08

@BowerOfBramble

So *@Quirkyme* are you going to speak to his manager/your union/HR/a diversity rep? I hope you do. I'm sure you feel pressure not to kick up a fuss but honestly he needs telling not just for your sake - what if a new trainee came in who was less confident, it'd be a nightmare.

I too am willing to bet he's been doing this for years. And then will mysteriously wonder why no black people stay working for him for long.

He is probably trying so hard to prove he is not racist he is making himself look an idiot - racist, lots of whites do it. Low expectations etc

Arabellla · 21/02/2022 16:10

@Member869894

isn't he just being a bit dim rather than racist? '

And this is why it keeps happening, because people will always make excuses for white people who do this crap.

BowerOfBramble · 21/02/2022 16:12

That's interesting @Bakedbanana - mine's similar. I think they grew up with so much really obvious overt racism (e.g. offensive terms thrown around by all white people, used at work, no discrimination law etc) that their version of "not being racist" is talking about race but doing it in a positive way. So if a white family came in my mum would once have said "a family came in" but a black family would always be "a black family came in." The idea of just not commenting on someone being black or Asian because - y'know - it's not relevant in that context, was harder to grasp, she got there though because she actually didn't want to offend. This boss twat though is another matter.

starfro · 21/02/2022 16:17

Sounds like he's trying too hard to be friendly and inclusive.

Not everyone is perfect in their social interactions, but 99% of the time they mean well.

Arabellla · 21/02/2022 16:19

On what planet is saying 'you all look the same and have the same features' friendly and inclusive?

Another thread to prove racism is well and alive on MN.

FlushTheLoo · 21/02/2022 16:19

@CorrBlimeyGG Yes, sorry! I was just shocked, I wasn't asking OP the question! Sorry.

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