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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dealing with racial microaggressions from white male manager

133 replies

Quirkyme · 21/02/2022 15:07

Hi,

There's so much going on at work now.

In addition to those issues , my manager has been making racial comments.

So started in this team a few months prior and I noticed in my first team meeting that he kept referring to a "black woman" in an advert, (he emphasised this about 3x) but her ethnicity had nothing to do with the point he was making about said advert.

Following that, every interaction after he would drop in the name of black rappers and singers he knew, despite the fact we weren't talking about rappers/singers or music or anything related to said artists.

These exchanges were via Teams.

Recently, we had a team lunch, in person, he asked me my heritage - and when I said it, he said he "knew it" because we all "looked the same and have the same features". I was taken aback by this visibly , and said "oh wow okay"

I replied saying along the lines of "actually, a lot of people don't often guess correctly where I'm from, some have thought I'm from "insert different regions of Africa" or that I'm Caribbean", he then was taken aback and said "Caribbean?!' - as if he was some expert on what Caribbeans look like.

He then went on to tell me his "best friend was black", that he has "black friends" and listed where all of them were from.

Wtf.

I'm literally waiting for him to tell me next that he has had "black girlfriends". It's weird as hell.

Has anyone dealt with this with management?

I've dealt with this before in the past with friends and white men who tried it on and I've very quickly nipped that in the bud, and left that there.

But this guy is my manager.
I'm tired of this.

OP posts:

Daydreamsinsantafe · 21/02/2022 17:09

@starfro

Racist people don’t say they have black friends etc?? They definitely definitely do. It’s textbook in fact.
Racist people also have black family, spouses, children... you live under a rock.

GreenClock · 21/02/2022 17:11

This is cringe-making and I’m sorry you’re having to read/hear it. What an abject tool.

ShineTogether · 21/02/2022 17:12

He sounds awful and needs to be dealt with. Sorry OP.

A few pp say that being white means no one ever asks where your family hails from etc. I'm white and I get asked this regularly as part of getting to know you chit chat, and I ask others. I live in London so maybe it's just because in a city lots of people have come here through life rather than staying where they started out? I just found it surprising that several pp say this conversation doesn't happen when you're white.

But none of this detracts from the fact that OP's boss is creepy and inappropriate.

Thoosa · 21/02/2022 17:12

Sounds like that awful, cringeworthy, anxious racism you get from people who have never left their all white remote village before. HR need to have a word and provide some kind of training. You can’t be expected to put up with that.

CorrBlimeyGG · 21/02/2022 17:14

@ShineTogether You get asked what your heritage is, and told you all the look the same? Of course you do. Absolutely happens everyday to white people.

(In other words, what a load of BS.)

Thoosa · 21/02/2022 17:14

@Hoppinggreen

Jesus is he David Brent? The only people who try so hard not to be racist are people who are actually racist The difficulty is that taken in isolation each comment isn’t terrible but as a combination it’s awful. Could you just refuse to answer or change the subject and hope he stops?

David Brent! That’s exactly what it sounds like.

MunchyMonsters · 21/02/2022 17:14

Urgh sorry you have had to deal with this shit OP.

Honestly, you've tried to address it, now it's time e to go to his manager / HR.

ChargingBuck · 21/02/2022 17:15

@ShineTogether

He sounds awful and needs to be dealt with. Sorry OP.

But none of this detracts from the fact that OP's boss is creepy and inappropriate.

& when you answer people's question with "London", do they then double down with "but where are you really from?" @ShineTogether?

Of course they don't.
Because you are white.

ClariceQuiff · 21/02/2022 17:15

Not acceptable. I would suggest listing the incidents and contacting HR. This shouldn't be your problem to deal with - your manager's manager needs to take it in hand.

Thoosa · 21/02/2022 17:18

[quote CorrBlimeyGG]@ShineTogether You get asked what your heritage is, and told you all the look the same? Of course you do. Absolutely happens everyday to white people.

(In other words, what a load of BS.)[/quote]
TBF, certain white groups do get similar. Irish, Jewish, travellers, Italians… In fact those groups have historically often been classified as “non-white” to make the racism easier. See early 20th century USA for an example.

So whatever the specific example, it’s ignorant to suggest pale skin is an automatic pass from racial discrimination.

Charley50 · 21/02/2022 17:19

I agree he is being unprofessional and racially offensive, whatever his motivation, he now has a pattern of being offensive to you, about your colour/ ethnicity. I would make a note of the dates and incidents and take it to HR. Some people might talk directly to him, not sure it I'd do that, as it would make me feel uncomfortable.

On the asking about heritage generally, yes, white people do get asked it, by other white people, and by people of colour. I'm white, not 'full English' and get asked what my heritage is all the time.
This alone doesn't bother me, but if I had the constant reference to my heritage and 'culture' that this man is doing to OP, yes I would find it offensive.

ClariceQuiff · 21/02/2022 17:22

David Brent! That’s exactly what it sounds like

Yes - it's like the episode where he follows his black colleague round saying things like 'Sidney Poitier is my favourite actor'.

Awful and depressing that the OP is being subject to this behaviour in real life.

Charley50 · 21/02/2022 17:26

When I say I'm from London, they say 'yes, but what's your heritage?' They like to guess the country/ culture. Am I Mediterranean or Jewish? Which country? Can I speak the language? If not, why not? Can I make are your mum and dad both from there?

As I said before, people from any culture will ask me the above questions; white, black and brown. They frequently get my parent's country mixed up with other countries, even when I tell them.

Thoosa · 21/02/2022 17:27

@ClariceQuiff

David Brent! That’s exactly what it sounds like

Yes - it's like the episode where he follows his black colleague round saying things like 'Sidney Poitier is my favourite actor'.

Awful and depressing that the OP is being subject to this behaviour in real life.

At least it should be quite clearcut for HR to deal with.

Photolass · 21/02/2022 17:29

I'm mixed race and have had to deal with people trying far too hard, by saying idiotic things about having black friends. It's just as insulting as being overtly racist.
Would he say to someone who is tall, ''I've got nothing against tall people. Some of my friends are tall."
When you substitute 'tall' or 'blonde' or any other description, you can see what a crass remark it is.

Soontobe60 · 21/02/2022 17:31

Crikey, has this man had his head buried for the past few years? Maybe suggest he has a bit of diversity training? I bet he has ‘BLM’ in his Twitter profile too 😳

miltonj · 21/02/2022 17:32

Definitely report to HR. Some of it can be swept under the rug eg 'oh I was just talking about rappers' etc. (Not that it's ok, but he could get away with that) but the comment about all looking the same, will be taken seriously by anyone with an iota of sense! I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

starfro · 21/02/2022 17:33

[quote Daydreamsinsantafe]@starfro

Racist people don’t say they have black friends etc?? They definitely definitely do. It’s textbook in fact.
Racist people also have black family, spouses, children... you live under a rock.[/quote]
How can you be best friends with someone if you're racially prejudiced towards them?

Flammkuchen · 21/02/2022 17:35

I'd speak to HR and suggest they have a word. No wonder you feel uncomfortable.

FWIW, my workplace had diversity training where we were instructed that we should be asking colleagues about their race and their heritage, and that not speaking about race was in itself, racist. I could see how that could go so badly wrong.

ChargingBuck · 21/02/2022 17:35

How can you be best friends with someone if you're racially prejudiced towards them?

In exactly the same way a man can be married to a woman & be a misogynistic twat to her.

Anyway - this type of racist doesn't claim 'best friend' status.
It's usually more like "my cousin's dentist's boyfriend is black" ...

Soontobe60 · 21/02/2022 17:35

@ShineTogether

He sounds awful and needs to be dealt with. Sorry OP.

But none of this detracts from the fact that OP's boss is creepy and inappropriate.

I sometimes get asked where I’m from - when I’m in a training situation where everyone has come from all over the uk. The implications is ‘what city / town did you travel from to get here today’, not ‘what country are you from’. One is general chit chat, the other is ignorance based on a persons’ skin colour (aka racism).

Bootothegoose · 21/02/2022 17:40

HR HR HR HR HR HR

Fucking disgraceful he thinks that’s acceptable conversation.

Are you the only POC in the office, OP? If not I’ll put my mortgage he says racist shit to them as well.

unname · 21/02/2022 17:40

Why does his motivation or intent even matter? OP is being made uncomfortable by her manager talking to her in a personal way, about nonwork related topics. It's likely to impede her work and is absolutely making her workplace uncomfortable. Whether he means well or not has zero bearing on this. It's inappropriate and very likely to make many people uncomfortable. It needs to stop regardless of how he might feel about it.

I would tell HR what's happening, then tell him once that it makes me uncomfortable. After that I would go back to HR.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/02/2022 17:41

My way of handling this type of shit at work is to totally ignore the question and change the subject entirely.
Keep doing this on repeat until he gets the message.
If he doesn't get the message report to his manager.

Daydreamsinsantafe · 21/02/2022 17:43

@starfro in the way that slave owners had mixed raced Christmas often from the black women they owned and raped.

In the way that my white family make racists remarks all the time but can’t be racist because I’m black...

Need I go on

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