Eating out alone as a woman

[Chocolattay]

I’m not judging anybody who eats out alone, I think it should be normal and the stigma is pathetic. But people on Mumsnet only speak positively about it. I had a terrible experience of it and surely it can’t have been unique to me, as the stigma exists. Or is it really me?

I was in London for an important appointment a few years ago, and I had the whole day to kill. It was my first time ever in London and I didn’t want to settle for a crap Big Mac or Burger King for lunch when I could have that at home, so I went to a hippy bohemian bistro type place in SoHo. I had to talk myself into it. I’d eventually convinced myself it’d be fine and thought they probably got loads of business people in alone anyway. But it was fucking awful. Even though I had specifically said table for 1, they didn’t seem to grasp that. I was waiting an hour just to order a drink. I’d make eye contact with the waiter but he’d just smile awkwardly. Eventually I spoke up and asked to order when he was rushing past. He asked if I was waiting for anybody. I said no. He looked like he’d seen a ghost ffs. He was actually quite rude to me in the service afterwards, and blunt. As if he’d decided there must be something wrong with me for me to be alone. It was horrible.

I vowed never to do it again. Weirdly enough I’ve done it a couple of times post-baby with baby in tow and haven’t felt awkward at all. It’s like the mere presence of a pram is going to be proof to people that I can’t be that weird if somebody has had a baby with me, therefore I’m ‘allowed’ to eat out alone.

DH does it regularly though and says nobody has ever battered an eyelid, which makes me wonder if it’s a gender/misogyny thing. It’s fine for men to enjoy their own company but women should always have a group of ‘girls’ to chat with? Is that what it is? Or am I massively overthinking it?

It's not complicated: the waiter was having an off day, and the OP assumed it was about her when it most likely wasn't, and has extrapolated that to some sort of society-wide issue 🤷🏻‍♀️

IntermittentParps

The waiter was shit

But who on earth waits for a whole hour trying to get the attention of a shit waiter via eye contact only. Surely if eye contact fails after a few minutes, you use words, "excuse me can I place an order please". If they are still being shit and slow you walk out and find somewhere else not sit there being a martyr. It is all a bit pathetic.

@DillonPanthersTexas

IntermittentParps

The waiter was shit

But who on earth waits for a whole hour trying to get the attention of a shit waiter via eye contact only. Surely if eye contact fails after a few minutes, you use words, "excuse me can I place an order please". If they are still being shit and slow you walk out and find somewhere else not sit there being a martyr. It is all a bit pathetic.

The OP was nervous about it and had to talk herself into it. Whatever you think of that in itself, it no doubt contributed to her ability to assert herself.

The whole thing sounds unbelievably wet.

Japanese counter service or long shared table places are the easiest. I had a lovely solo meal at Engawa.

I think crap service combined with your fears and youve conflated the two things.

It was years ago

You definitely need to get over this! I've eaten out loads on my own over the years; never had an issue. Would even consider it anything to worry about.

Go and book yourself a nice lunch or dinner somewhere.

No doubt the waiter thought you were very odd not because you were eating alone, but because you waited an hour without saying anything, instead choosing to make eye contact with the waiter in silence.
You say he "looked like he'd seen a ghost" when told you weren't waiting for anyone else to arrive. That would be because he was both shocked and baffled that you'd sat there in silence for an hour instead of calling him over and telling him you were ready to order. It was your own behaviour that was peculiar, not the waiter's. The normal thing to do is to get the waiter's attention (i.e. the first time you "make eye contact") and then you speak!

What I sometimes do while being seated is say something like 'this is great, thanks, could I get a bottle of mineral water please? then I scan the menu while they are getting it. When they return with it I say 'thanks, I'm ready to order', so no waiting and trying to catch the eye of the waiter. At lunchtime, (at least when I have a reasonable idea beforehand of what I want to eat, it saves me time.)

@JellybabyGina87

I probably wouldn't go to a restaurant alone. It's something social I like to do with other people because I'm enjoying their company, not really for the sake of eating the food. I've been in places like McDonald's and cafes before on my own when I've been on a lunch break or had time to kill before an appointment but I wouldn't purposefully take myself out for a meal.

Have you NEVER travelled anywhere by yourself, for work or otherwise? I find that very strange.

It sounds like it was just a mistake. IME, whether you are alone or waiting for someone, it is normal to be asked if you want a drink within minutes. Most people dont want to sit there twiddling their thumbs so would like a drink while they wait and the restaurant doesn't want people sitting there waiting there for an hour without consuming something... The fact that you weren't even offered a drink suggests this was just poor service rather than misogyny.

I've never encountered anything like this but I have had strangers and staff who felt it is okay to tell me how "brave" or "confident" I am or make some other comment about me eating out alone. I bet no one ever said anything like that to a man.

@theleafandnotthetree
I find eating alone poor value for money. Because if I had a group..we’d all order different things and try each other’s stuff.
Maybe I’m just stingy.
I’m also generally unimpressed by restaurant food. If travelling I wouldn’t spend on it unless desperate or someone else was paying 😂

You all try each other's stuff?!

SHITSHOW DOESN'T SHARE FOOD

we’d all order different things and try each other’s stuff.

You would lose your hand if you tried that if I was at the table

I've eaten out alone lots of times both in the UK and while travelling alone (and in a wide variety of different types/locations of restaurants) and never experienced anything even close to this, I think you were just wildly unlucky with the restaurant / waiter unfortunately .

@DillonPanthersTexas

we’d all order different things and try each other’s stuff.

You would lose your hand if you tried that if I was at the table

Since having toddlers I agree lol but if its a new restaurant you'll never return to, how else do you try more than one thing?

Not sure why OP is getting picked on for things other people do, or have said about how they feel, when she's said they aren't her own views. I personally am fine with going to the cinema/eating alone (although prefer to do so with others), but know loads of women who would never do so in a million years, and who used to do room service when they had to travel for work to avoid it. I know women who won't go to the shops/gym alone! My friend won't sleep in her house on her own when her DH works away, and I've seen threads on Mn saying the same. And these are all women, my male friends/colleagues have never done the same. So there must be some reason for it, whether internalised fear of being judged, or external.

I do also know women like me who aren't bothered, but would say there are in the minority. Agree there's perhaps a bit of overlap between personalities/hobbies - my wild swimming/hiker friends were just enthusiastic when I said I went on holiday alone and told me about their own solo adventures, my colleagues in work were a mix of pitying/scared for me!

It’s not that I feel women shouldn’t do these things! I want to do them myself!

But in my personal life, I know plenty of men who go for a casual drink in the pub/to a restaurant alone but not women. Do women just generally not do it for fear of being harassed?

I worked in a restaurant as a teen as well and again only saw male solo diners.

The thread has inspired me to try it again though. DH is taking the baby away to a relative’s for a night soon so I’ll have another go.

I've eaten out alone several times in a variety of restaurants and never had any problems apart from one, where the maître d' led me, in a half empty restaurant, to a small table set for one which was jammed up against the server's station. There was much clanking of cutlery etc and the waitress looked embarrassed. He pulled out the chair, which I ignored and walked out of the restaurant.

I eat out alone while working a lot and it's one of the few things I never have any issues with, I think you might have had a dickhead waiter.

A few years ago - and you're still dwelling on it?

Eat out by myself frequently, wouldn't think twice about it - except maybe a Michelin or top end restaurant, because you're paying over the top for the experience, and I'd probably enjoy that more with a friend.

He was probably horrified because he'd let your sit there for an hour believing you were waiting for someone and you hadn't said anything.

I've never had this problem anywhere from a cafe, to a pub type place to really very nice restaurants

After years of paying for 4 every time we ate out, the bill is always a pleasant surprise when I'm on my own

@TheUsualShitshow

You all try each other's stuff?!

SHITSHOW DOESN'T SHARE FOOD

Hahaha yes! Most of my friends, my DH and my mum are all like me in that you often are between 2 things to order off the menu. Like if I am between X and Y and DH is between X, Y and Z we will often order X and Y and then try some of each other's. That way you each get to try both of the things you wanted. Even if we are both clear on what dish we each want we try each other's.

Really difficult to keep reminding myself when I'm out with the odd friend who doesn't like sharing though, I don't want stabbed with a fork!

Give it another go OP, you are putting restrictions on yourself by buying into this nonsense. I also have friends like yours so I can relate - they would turn up late to meet me then express shock that I did not stand outside the bar or restaurant waiting in the freezing cold. Going for a meal alone is really nice. Sometimes I do meet someone I know and I say "I really didn't fancy cooking" which is true. I go to the movies alone too. I have plenty of friends. There is nothing strange about it.