Eating out alone as a woman

[Chocolattay]

I’m not judging anybody who eats out alone, I think it should be normal and the stigma is pathetic. But people on Mumsnet only speak positively about it. I had a terrible experience of it and surely it can’t have been unique to me, as the stigma exists. Or is it really me?

I was in London for an important appointment a few years ago, and I had the whole day to kill. It was my first time ever in London and I didn’t want to settle for a crap Big Mac or Burger King for lunch when I could have that at home, so I went to a hippy bohemian bistro type place in SoHo. I had to talk myself into it. I’d eventually convinced myself it’d be fine and thought they probably got loads of business people in alone anyway. But it was fucking awful. Even though I had specifically said table for 1, they didn’t seem to grasp that. I was waiting an hour just to order a drink. I’d make eye contact with the waiter but he’d just smile awkwardly. Eventually I spoke up and asked to order when he was rushing past. He asked if I was waiting for anybody. I said no. He looked like he’d seen a ghost ffs. He was actually quite rude to me in the service afterwards, and blunt. As if he’d decided there must be something wrong with me for me to be alone. It was horrible.

I vowed never to do it again. Weirdly enough I’ve done it a couple of times post-baby with baby in tow and haven’t felt awkward at all. It’s like the mere presence of a pram is going to be proof to people that I can’t be that weird if somebody has had a baby with me, therefore I’m ‘allowed’ to eat out alone.

DH does it regularly though and says nobody has ever battered an eyelid, which makes me wonder if it’s a gender/misogyny thing. It’s fine for men to enjoy their own company but women should always have a group of ‘girls’ to chat with? Is that what it is? Or am I massively overthinking it?

I think that was one bad experience. I eat alone or with my toddler a few times a week (London too) and haven't had a bad experience

I never encountered this idea before MN. I have never thought twice about eating alone. If I fancy eating out and I'm on my own, I just go!

Having said this, I mentioned this once to an older (65) woman I know that people on MN don't eat out alone and she confirmed she never would. She also won't go on trains alone or drive on the motorway. She's never travelled by herself except driving locally to work/shops. It makes me feel inexpressibly sad to think about the pointless mental chain she has fettered herself with.

I’ve eaten alone many many times, usually in work lunchbreaks. The staff have usually been lovely (except in the middle east where they tend to assume that a woman alone in a smart hotel is a prostitute looking for clients 😐).

Sounds like you just had a crap waiter who was deprioritising you because were a small order.

It is true that restaurants don’t like lone diners though, they give up a 2-3 person table for a 1 person fee which is a bad deal for them. So, if it’s a busy day you may pick up a grumpy attitude from them for being alone. Your DH probably just doesn’t notice.

@Dibbydoos

I've found it really hard to just do a walk-in on my own before now.

I boycot all restaurants that have done this - I've even had this when they've been ultra quiet in case anyone talks about why would they accept 1 person as a walking when they can get 2 etc.

In Europe, I've never had a problem.

During and post pandemic, forget eating out alone, you can't easily book single dining.

I honestly don't do this often, but I find it tricky unless I go to a chain restaurant. It's the time I rue being a widow and kick myself for not actively looking for a new partner...!

My mum is a widow. My father had parkinsons for many years so eating out at all was impossible in the end. After he died she decided she was going to squeeze the absolute maximum out if the life she had left. The only time she has ever had an issue was at the start of her new life . She went to a nice restaurant for lunch and asked for a table. The waiter said "Are you alone ?". It wasn't a horrible question, it was purely logistics, but it pulled her up short. Yes she was alone, her husband of 60 years was gone. She had to sit for a minute and compose herself. She has no interest in finding another partner. She is free of other people's needs and wants and she wants to stay that way. She is aware of keeping herself safe when out at night at the theatre etc but during the day she eats wherever she wants and wouldn't think twice about asking for a table anywhere. My father has so many hang ups/ social anxieties about every damn thing that eating out alone is a lot less stressful than eating out with him.

I travelled overland across Europe to Italy when I was 16 for work. Since then I've visited countless countries, including many in the middle and far east, totally on my own. If I'd had your attitude I would have starved to death years ago.

I'd be ashamed to be as precious as you.

Nope, I'd eat alone in a heartbeat and have never had this issue. I'd say it was a simple "poor service/bad waiter" issue rather than an eating alone issue.

I Do this a fair bit (food and drink alone on Sunday just gone in my local pub)
Used to do it as a tradition when DH went away for work, I went to a local Italian alone. 6 years straight and enjoyed not washing up, never bothered by anyone once. Waiting staff new me, but even then I'd still just get on and do it in other venues. I like doing it in fact.

@lomoloko

I never encountered this idea before MN. I have never thought twice about eating alone. If I fancy eating out and I'm on my own, I just go!

Having said this, I mentioned this once to an older (65) woman I know that people on MN don't eat out alone and she confirmed she never would. She also won't go on trains alone or drive on the motorway. She's never travelled by herself except driving locally to work/shops. It makes me feel inexpressibly sad to think about the pointless mental chain she has fettered herself with.

I think your 65 YO woman is not typical of her age though. I am 68 and have been travelling and going places alone and eating out alone since about age 13/14. First in London, then to and from the Midlands for college then in various places in the world. It was just the norm, something you didn't even think about. Apart from one person who had an actual anxiety condition, I have never known any woman in my age band who would limit herself in such a way.

I eat alone a lot for various reasons. When DD was born, it would be my me time escape, then when working I would go out too lunch so I didn’t eat at my desk/work through my lunch and sometimes, working in central london, if the tube was going to be rammed I would have dinner before heading home.

I’ve only once had a bad experience where myself and a male solo diner sat near by were neglected in a new restaurant in Reading. It felt like they thought we weren’t as important probably due to them thinking we wouldn’t be a £££ table. However if they had been attentive they would have realised they would have had us in and out and freed up two tables and had more people in.

I'm a server. I have no opinion whatsoever of people coming in alone (male or female) and I've never heard any of my colleagues comment on it either. I ear out alone whenever I get the chance.

A couple of months ago a woman came in for a table for one but when I spotted her at the door there was another woman standing behind her so I thought they were together. I said "table for two?" and she looked really embarrassed and said "no, just for one please". I felt absolutely awful I had no judgement whatsoever on her eating alone but I made a stupid assumption and probably made her think that I did. And made her feel like shit too. I tried to be really nice to her and chatted to her about how I love eating out alone for the peace and quiet etc but I don't know if I made her feel any better. For all I know she could have been one of those women who is anxious to eat out alone and decided to give it a go and I shattered her confidence and made her want to never do it again.

@Chocolattay

It’s not my personal belief that women should only be with friends. I love my own company.

But yes, I find myself second-guessing. And I’ve known friends who wouldn’t even go into the cafe to sit wait for me to arrive, they’d wait in their car.

But know plenty of men who casually go to the pub alone to socialise with other punters. I’ve never heard of a woman doing it.

Maybe I do have internalised misogyny which I should work on. I often find myself thinking of things I’d do if I was a man. A lot of it is a safety thing but also a portion of it is because I’ve only ever heard of men doing such things alone. Like certain hobbies or hiking etc

I think you’re right, you’ve internalised misogyny, OP, and you also seem to have a social circle with quite restricted beliefs and behaviours, if your female friends really won’t go into a café alone or go hiking solo. I’m not in any way exceptional, and I’ve walked part of the Pennine Way alone, used to be an after work regular at a nice pub close to an old workplace, and in fact ate out by myself two nights ago in London before a concert (at a good Italian in Soho, where I had excellent service.)

I think the fact that you sat there for an hour without ordering made busy staff think you were waiting for someone.

Whenever I’ve done it, I’ve taken something to read, book or paper.

I tend to pick the older style of pub, where I’ve never been made to feel uncomfortable.

There is no stigma for women eating alone. I see it all the time and have done it millions of times across the UK and Ireland and no one batted an eyelid and I used to be incredibly shy and worried people thought I had no friends

I’ve had some good experiences and some bad. The bad has usually been because of inexperienced or shitty staff such as being the only person in a pizza express and then two mums with babies being sat at the table next to me when there are about 25 free tables and I just want peace and quiet to read my book or not getting check backs after mains have been served.
I’ve never felt awkward, just seen it as shit service that I would have got if I’d been with someone else anyway

Every Sunday afternoon I drop off FS for CV ticket practice and have to pick him up 2 hours later. It is too far away to drive back home then drive back again so I pop into to a Wetherspoon's pub order a meal, eat it, have a coffee, look at my phone for a while then pop back and collect child. I have never had any issues at all.

You're massively overthinking it. I think the stigma of eating out or going to the cinema alone only exists for teenagers.

I have never had a bad experience. Making eye contact with a waiter to just be smiled at is definitely bad service. I've had that happen to me several times when in a group, but not alone.

It’s just cringeworthy
To be so preoccupied
By what others think

I always eat out alone, don’t see an issue with it.. heck I even prefer it

I may be overinvested in this thread. Perhaps it's because this kind of internalised misogyny and feebleness ( is that a word?) makes me so angry. Getting bad or indifferent service isn't a horrible experience. Getting raped, groped or assaulted is. I know women to whom this has happened ( I am one of them) and we still don't let the "stigma" stop us from eating out alone. How pathetic do you have to be to not go to Costa alone, when women are literally travelling alone in war zones?

I eat out alone occasionally and I think it's a bit more complex than it's absolutely fine/no issue whatsoever or completely terrible.

If it's a cafe or cheap pub in the daytime it's not an issue whatsoever, people go there with laptops, hang out, call friends, men and women sit on their own and it's just not even eye-worthy.

If you go out to more formal dining, outside of say London, then it might raise eyebrows. In London and the very big cities, lots of people are there for business or passing through or on hols, and so women or men on their own are not unusual, but there are places which are much more 'dinner out as a couple or with friends' and those places you won't find lots of other people sitting alone and you will slightly raise eyebrows. I don't mind this though, and I'm happy to sit in hotel restaurants alone, often I find the waiter extra attentive and other diners quite chatty, it all depends if you look embarrassed.

I wouldn't sit waiting for a drink whether on my own or in a group or with my family for an hour anyway, so this would never happen!

These things aren't black and white, and I've been both a bit self-conscious and completely relaxed eating out alone, depending on where/what type of place/time of day.

Those saying women are traveling in war zones- yes but in some war zone countries, there are very strong social norms about how women are allowed to socialize! If you break those and go to a traditionally male establishment, or eat out alone when women are usually found in family or friend groups, then it can cause more than raised eyebrows. Social norms are very strong, and at times veer towards socially sanctioned rules which you break at your peril.

We are lucky here that a woman eating alone is fine, but it isn't the norm, IMO, in the evening outside the big cities.

@AngelinaFibres
Dibbydoos
I've found it really hard to just do a walk-in on my own before now.

I boycot all restaurants that have done this - I've even had this when they've been ultra quiet in case anyone talks about why would they accept 1 person as a walking when they can get 2 etc.

In Europe, I've never had a problem.

During and post pandemic, forget eating out alone, you can't easily book single dining.

I honestly don't do this often, but I find it tricky unless I go to a chain restaurant. It's the time I rue being a widow and kick myself for not actively looking for a new partner...!
My mum is a widow. My father had parkinsons for many years so eating out at all was impossible in the end. After he died she decided she was going to squeeze the absolute maximum out if the life she had left. The only time she has ever had an issue was at the start of her new life . She went to a nice restaurant for lunch and asked for a table. The waiter said "Are you alone ?". It wasn't a horrible question, it was purely logistics, but it pulled her up short. Yes she was alone, her husband of 60 years was gone. She had to sit for a minute and compose herself. She has no interest in finding another partner. She is free of other people's needs and wants and she wants to stay that way. She is aware of keeping herself safe when out at night at the theatre etc but during the day she eats wherever she wants and wouldn't think twice about asking for a table anywhere. My father has so many hang ups/ social anxieties about every damn thing that eating out alone is a lot less stressful than eating out with him.

Widowed here too and absolutely not seeking a partner. I lost the best man in the world, why would I settle for less? My late DH was quite clear when his life was ending that he wanted me to enjoy my life and not waste it so heaven help the person who judges me or tries to stop me doing things alone if I want to.

Sounds like a problem with that waiter/restaurant. I eat out alone fairly often and have never had any issues or felt judged. I do/have done tons of stuff alone, theatre, opera, cinema, travelling, no one has ever taken any notice.

Maybe it's a London thing - I've noticed my hometown (Norwich) friends have far more hang-ups about being seen out alone. I've also noticed whenever I go to visit my home town, people at other tables get very nosey and starey (compared to where I love now, where people respect you and leave people alone), so I can understand why they feel like that.

I was once watching a TV show with my mum, and a character was at a small music concert by herself. Mum made a comment about how "that's ridiculous, no woman would EVER do that!". I was mainly because I do it several times a year without a second thought, but also because it made me so sad for her - imagine internalising the idea that, as a woman, nothing was worth experiencing unless you were accompanied? I often feel like some groups of women are prevented from ever experiencing adulthood for these reasons.

@FarFarFarAndAway

Those saying women are traveling in war zones- yes but in some war zone countries, there are very strong social norms about how women are allowed to socialize! If you break those and go to a traditionally male establishment, or eat out alone when women are usually found in family or friend groups, then it can cause more than raised eyebrows. Social norms are very strong, and at times veer towards socially sanctioned rules which you break at your peril.

We are lucky here that a woman eating alone is fine, but it isn't the norm, IMO, in the evening outside the big cities.

How is social norms in war zones relevant here?