Eating out alone as a woman

[Chocolattay]

I’m not judging anybody who eats out alone, I think it should be normal and the stigma is pathetic. But people on Mumsnet only speak positively about it. I had a terrible experience of it and surely it can’t have been unique to me, as the stigma exists. Or is it really me?

I was in London for an important appointment a few years ago, and I had the whole day to kill. It was my first time ever in London and I didn’t want to settle for a crap Big Mac or Burger King for lunch when I could have that at home, so I went to a hippy bohemian bistro type place in SoHo. I had to talk myself into it. I’d eventually convinced myself it’d be fine and thought they probably got loads of business people in alone anyway. But it was fucking awful. Even though I had specifically said table for 1, they didn’t seem to grasp that. I was waiting an hour just to order a drink. I’d make eye contact with the waiter but he’d just smile awkwardly. Eventually I spoke up and asked to order when he was rushing past. He asked if I was waiting for anybody. I said no. He looked like he’d seen a ghost ffs. He was actually quite rude to me in the service afterwards, and blunt. As if he’d decided there must be something wrong with me for me to be alone. It was horrible.

I vowed never to do it again. Weirdly enough I’ve done it a couple of times post-baby with baby in tow and haven’t felt awkward at all. It’s like the mere presence of a pram is going to be proof to people that I can’t be that weird if somebody has had a baby with me, therefore I’m ‘allowed’ to eat out alone.

DH does it regularly though and says nobody has ever battered an eyelid, which makes me wonder if it’s a gender/misogyny thing. It’s fine for men to enjoy their own company but women should always have a group of ‘girls’ to chat with? Is that what it is? Or am I massively overthinking it?

he wanted me to enjoy my life

And rightly so, but what is a bit annoying is those of us who are saying we just don’t enjoy eating out alone because of feeling self conscious are impatiently told how pathetic we are.

I was single for the best part of 20 years before I met DH and I had to do things alone, or I’d never have done anything. I went to the cinema, the theatre, travel and stayed in hotels alone. I’ve also gone pony trekking, camel riding and skydiving. I’m not a pathetic wimp. But I hate eating alone. I feel self conscious and I don’t really notice anyone else doing it although I am many miles from London.

@JanisMoplin

I may be overinvested in this thread. Perhaps it's because this kind of internalised misogyny and feebleness ( is that a word?) makes me so angry. Getting bad or indifferent service isn't a horrible experience. Getting raped, groped or assaulted is. I know women to whom this has happened ( I am one of them) and we still don't let the "stigma" stop us from eating out alone. How pathetic do you have to be to not go to Costa alone, when women are literally travelling alone in war zones?

Getting bad service can be horrible, I'm not white and have experienced rude service due to the colour of my skin.

@FarFarFarAndAway

Those saying women are traveling in war zones- yes but in some war zone countries, there are very strong social norms about how women are allowed to socialize! If you break those and go to a traditionally male establishment, or eat out alone when women are usually found in family or friend groups, then it can cause more than raised eyebrows. Social norms are very strong, and at times veer towards socially sanctioned rules which you break at your peril.

We are lucky here that a woman eating alone is fine, but it isn't the norm, IMO, in the evening outside the big cities.

It is round here. Perish the thought but women live alone by choice or circumstance outside of big cities and - perish the thought - but they even travel for business and stay in small country hotels where they- gasp- go to the bar alone and dine alone or if in a village or small town will wander out to sample one of the local excellent small restaurants JUST AS THOUGH THEY WERE A MAN in the same circumstances......whatever next??

So you sat there for an HOUR not ordering so they assumed you were waiting for someone. You finally order, declare you are alone so it looks like you were just killing time in their restaurant for 60 minutes

I’m reading a different thread (again.)

She tried to order a drink repeatedly.

She eventually flagged someone down.

They thought she was waiting for someone hence why no one came over to take her order before (which you know is a reasonably expected norm in restaurants.)

And they were rude to her.

But totally it’s the OPs fault

@BrambleRoses agreed

I think OP could have been more assertive but blaming her for bad service is unfair.

As someone who has previously worked in restaurants for years (big and small) we literally never batted an eyelid at tables for one!

I think you just went to the wrong place and got the wrong waiter!

The poor service and bad manners IS their fault not OPs but I wonder if OP was doing meaningful eyecontact to communicate take my order pls vs sitting there awkwardly staring at the waiter. Based on her comment about how she'd had to force herself to even walk in and it taking 60minites of sitting there to use her words

@godmum56 and @eldora I am from India originally and eat in India alone, where women are socialised to go everywhere in groups. Admittedly in the large cities where there are actually plenty of other women eating alone. Things have changed in many countries; it's so odd that British women are apparently still scared of going to Costa alone.

Obviously, since I am not white, have also experienced racism in the uk and elsewhere when eating alone. So what? I am not going to let that stop me.

But, no, I've never had issues eating alone in and out of London. I've actually made "evening" friends being sat next to another line eater when away for work. Cinemas, bars, restaurants, etc all done alone without comment.

I've never had a problem woth this. I think you were just unlucky. I wouldn't have tolerated waiting an hour just to order - I'd have left after about 15 minutes to be honest and told them why but I'm quite stroppy.

@Chocolattay

I’ve had my own friends say they couldn’t even sit in Costa alone on their lunch break, which shocks me.

They couldn’t sit in Costa on their own because….what would happen? What are they worried about exactly?

Line eaters (like in yo sushi) are a bit different though as designed for one.

(I want a yo sushi now!)

I often eat alone, my work takes me to many different towns, I don’t want to live on super market sandwiches. I choose nice restaurants every time.

Op your waiter was shit

i think you had a bad experience.
any good restaurant which is worth its salt just want your business. The only possible reason they could object to serving a lone diner is because they somehow think the "other" chair at that table could be making them money and unless they are super popular/famous it is unlikely they could sustain that sort of self-important business model.

I would try again i think your experience will be different if you go to a different restaurant.

Maybe I do have internalised misogyny which I should work on. I often find myself thinking of things I’d do if I was a man. A lot of it is a safety thing but also a portion of it is because I’ve only ever heard of men doing such things alone. Like certain hobbies or hiking etc

God, that’s depressing, OP - why are you constraining yourself? It’s definitely you and not society.

I go to the cinema, theatre, lectures, exhibitions and restaurants by myself. If it’s something I’m interested in and DH isn’t, why should I miss out? Sometimes I go with a pal but sometimes I choose to go on my own.

Except in small rural towns (which have their own peculiar mindsets) it hasn’t seemed to strike anyone as remotely out of the ordinary.

Free yourself, @Chocolattay - go try all the things you thought were just for men. Because unless it involves owning a willy, it’s not just for blokes, it’s for everyone!

I wonder if this is partly an age thing? I used to feel awkward eating alone when I was younger and would only ever do so somewhere very casual like MacDs. But nowadays I consider it a pleasure to eat alone in peace with my kindle. Come to think of it, it's since I've had children that this change has come about!

ive not read the full thread so sorry if someone has already said this but this thread has just made me think of the amount of people (men and women) who come into where I work to eat alone (pub) and not me nor anyone i work with has ever batted an eyelid at the fact they're alone

so many people do it, its not weird and i cant imagine why people would ever have a problem with it?

You were just unlucky. I travel sometimes for work and if I didn't eat alone I would go no hot food!

In practice it is easier to eat lunch or an early dinner on a weekday than an 8pm dinner on a Sat eve alone. On a weekday it is more acceptable as people may be at work or on a course.

Of course fast food places are different as lots of people eat alone or get takeaway.

Also it is easier to stay alone in a large city hotel than a smaller rural hotel when alone.

I had a work course 15 years ago and had to stay in a hotel in the suburbs. At breakfast the waiter wanted me to sit at a coffee table in the 'closed' bar area, as I would be 'more comfortable'. Groups were eating breakfast all around me. I said that I am paying double the price of the couples so I should get a proper table. I also said I get indigestion if trying to eat leaning over a coffee table. I got very annoyed over that.

If you are unsure about lunch in a place, maybe try and have morning coffee or 3 pm cake there. That way you get a feel for the place. If they make a song and dance about this then you haven't wasted money on a lunch which you won't enjoy.

Eating alone is not a 'London thing' 😆

I have had this. I used to travel a lot for work. In one hotel I was staying I went to eat in the hotel restaurant. I was completely ignored, others arriving after me got served etc. After waiting, I just left and made a complaint at reception, the hotel was used to business travellers so should have been much more switched on. Also somewhere else the serving staff were fantastic but a couple sitting nearby just seemed to be fixated on me eating alone, everytime I put my fork to my mouth I caught their eye! I found it amusing and very sad on their part.

@ArialAnna

I wonder if this is partly an age thing? I used to feel awkward eating alone when I was younger and would only ever do so somewhere very casual like MacDs. But nowadays I consider it a pleasure to eat alone in peace with my kindle. Come to think of it, it's since I've had children that this change has come about!

I don't think its an age thing. As I said earlier, I am 68 and I have been doing things on my own, including eating out alone since about age 14.... and no its not a MC/UC are more comfortable in their own skins thing either because my background is WC with knobs on. I do think, as with many things its the expectations that we are brought up with though.

Recently divorced, as an attractive (I like to think!) middle aged woman, I had not imagined what it's like to eat breakfast alone at a hotel. But my word, some people do seem a curiosity about it!

@user1471554720

You were just unlucky. I travel sometimes for work and if I didn't eat alone I would go no hot food!

In practice it is easier to eat lunch or an early dinner on a weekday than an 8pm dinner on a Sat eve alone. On a weekday it is more acceptable as people may be at work or on a course.

Of course fast food places are different as lots of people eat alone or get takeaway.

Also it is easier to stay alone in a large city hotel than a smaller rural hotel when alone.

I had a work course 15 years ago and had to stay in a hotel in the suburbs. At breakfast the waiter wanted me to sit at a coffee table in the 'closed' bar area, as I would be 'more comfortable'. Groups were eating breakfast all around me. I said that I am paying double the price of the couples so I should get a proper table. I also said I get indigestion if trying to eat leaning over a coffee table. I got very annoyed over that.

If you are unsure about lunch in a place, maybe try and have morning coffee or 3 pm cake there. That way you get a feel for the place. If they make a song and dance about this then you haven't wasted money on a lunch which you won't enjoy.

but that's poor service which can happen at some point to anybody anywhere.