Eating out alone as a woman

[Chocolattay]

I’m not judging anybody who eats out alone, I think it should be normal and the stigma is pathetic. But people on Mumsnet only speak positively about it. I had a terrible experience of it and surely it can’t have been unique to me, as the stigma exists. Or is it really me?

I was in London for an important appointment a few years ago, and I had the whole day to kill. It was my first time ever in London and I didn’t want to settle for a crap Big Mac or Burger King for lunch when I could have that at home, so I went to a hippy bohemian bistro type place in SoHo. I had to talk myself into it. I’d eventually convinced myself it’d be fine and thought they probably got loads of business people in alone anyway. But it was fucking awful. Even though I had specifically said table for 1, they didn’t seem to grasp that. I was waiting an hour just to order a drink. I’d make eye contact with the waiter but he’d just smile awkwardly. Eventually I spoke up and asked to order when he was rushing past. He asked if I was waiting for anybody. I said no. He looked like he’d seen a ghost ffs. He was actually quite rude to me in the service afterwards, and blunt. As if he’d decided there must be something wrong with me for me to be alone. It was horrible.

I vowed never to do it again. Weirdly enough I’ve done it a couple of times post-baby with baby in tow and haven’t felt awkward at all. It’s like the mere presence of a pram is going to be proof to people that I can’t be that weird if somebody has had a baby with me, therefore I’m ‘allowed’ to eat out alone.

DH does it regularly though and says nobody has ever battered an eyelid, which makes me wonder if it’s a gender/misogyny thing. It’s fine for men to enjoy their own company but women should always have a group of ‘girls’ to chat with? Is that what it is? Or am I massively overthinking it?

@D0lphine

I travelled alone for extended periods pre- covid. I have also worked abroad multiple times.

I've eaten out, visited tourist attractions, cinema, night clubs, bars, airplanes, hotels, busses, moved into flats, started new jobs. All alone.

Never had a problem. Even in the Middle East.

It was a one off.

I don't want to sound show offy but yes, this. In real life women are travelling and eating alone worldwide. MN is really so weird.

I’ve had the being ignored experience occasionally. And I’ve travelled far and wide alone - not shy about eating / travelling solo.
OP - just put a notepad and pen on your table, adopt a general air of being a restaurant critic while making occasional “notes”. Works a treat.

I don’t worry about what’s expected of me by anyone. I suppose if you’re someone who does worry about that, you’re more likely to feel self conscious and read more into things than there is.

I wouldn't do it in my small hometown but would do it literally anywhere else in the world and have done numerous times. Never had an issue. In fact I've found many times wait staff have been extra nice in those situations- giving me a nice private table/booth, really attentive and chatty etc. I think you were unlucky.

I'm actually finding this entire idea quite amusing. I mean 'women are supposed to be chatting to their friends'. Really?
As though women aren't professionals with careers, who travel. We'd only ever be outside if we were meeting friends.
Like PPs I've travelled a lot with work and eaten alone. I've never been bothered or ignored.
There's been a few really odd threads like this on here lately. They're not usual for MN.

It’s not my personal belief that women should only be with friends. I love my own company.

But yes, I find myself second-guessing. And I’ve known friends who wouldn’t even go into the cafe to sit wait for me to arrive, they’d wait in their car.

But know plenty of men who casually go to the pub alone to socialise with other punters. I’ve never heard of a woman doing it.

Maybe I do have internalised misogyny which I should work on. I often find myself thinking of things I’d do if I was a man. A lot of it is a safety thing but also a portion of it is because I’ve only ever heard of men doing such things alone. Like certain hobbies or hiking etc

Honestly this is ridiculous. So you want to blame the patriarchy for one bad restaurant visit?! Are we as women too sensitive to be eating alone in the big bad world?

Do you think perhaps that isolated events being broadcast as normal has something to do with how the world is colored?

OP, respectfully, you and your insecurities are part of the problem. If this was years ago as you you say, why are you still carrying around 1 bad service experience?

And I’ve known friends who wouldn’t even go into the cafe to sit wait for me to arrive, they’d wait in their car

You need new friends. I have never known one woman like this, not once in my 48 years.

@Chocolattay

It’s not my personal belief that women should only be with friends. I love my own company.

But yes, I find myself second-guessing. And I’ve known friends who wouldn’t even go into the cafe to sit wait for me to arrive, they’d wait in their car.

But know plenty of men who casually go to the pub alone to socialise with other punters. I’ve never heard of a woman doing it.

Maybe I do have internalised misogyny which I should work on. I often find myself thinking of things I’d do if I was a man. A lot of it is a safety thing but also a portion of it is because I’ve only ever heard of men doing such things alone. Like certain hobbies or hiking etc

You need to expand your social circle. I hike alone and go to the pub alone.

I often find myself thinking of things I’d do if I was a man. A lot of it is a safety thing but also a portion of it is because I’ve only ever heard of men doing such things alone. Like certain hobbies or hiking etc.

What sort of hobbies would you really like to do?

Don't let your gender stop you doing things!

You don't have to hike alone! My friend goes hiking with a group of women every weekend!

I have to when away from work. I don't really enjoy it and feel awkward.

I find having my kindle or tablet out on the table is a good way of conveying that I'm not waiting on anyone.

I've been to the pub on my own. I've been hiking alone. Fgs OP women are out living lives, working in different countries, travelling for conferences, etc. Do you honestly think we're all hiding in our hotel rooms?
Yy you take precautions if you need to, but I have no idea who told you and 'your friends' that women couldn't eat or drink alone.

I used to eat out alone quite a lot when I was working away, pre-DC.

I used to ask for a quiet table in a corner if possible, take my book and have a delicious meal with no need to talk to anyone. It was bloody MARVELLOUS.

I could linger for ages if the restaurant wasn't busy. Let dinner go down. Order a big dessert. Scoff that too.

Aaaah I miss those days.....

Not being able to go into a Costa on your own is bonkers.

Also OP, even if the waiter was an arse, you have no idea if he's just generally an arse to everyone - it might have had zero to do with the fact you were on your own.

Was this Soho bistro Balans by any chance, on Compton St? The waiters in there can be total dicks to everyone. They're very reliant on tips, and a table for two occupied by one person might annoy them. (They also do very long shifts and function mainly on cocaine, which only ever makes people into worse dicks.) Anyway, it's not representative of normal dining!

@Chocolattay

Interesting responses, I probably was overreacting. Maybe the waiter was new or something. The experience stuck with me though. It was years ago

I deffo think there’s a stereotype though that it’s normal for men to like their own company but weird for women to do stuff alone.

Don't agree.. I think it's normal and accepted for women to eat out alone I've done it many times no problems

I wouldn't even wait half an hour for them to take my order before I got up and left and took myself to a restaurant that actually wanted my custom. Have done this on several occasions, none of them when I have been dining alone,

You need to be more assertive and expect better service than this.

You just got poor service on that occasion.

Like other posters I've been visiting pubs, bars, cafés and restaurants on my own in the UK and abroad for years without issues.

I'm quite surprised by the responses on this thread OP. I don't think it is normal practice to see women dining alone in restaurants. I think it depends what you mean though. Friday night in a popular place? Don't think you'll see many solo diners.

But I eat out for lunch alone quite a bit. The one time I took myself out for dinner alone in Italy, the waiter made a song and dance about me being alone, and asked if I wanted to meet after his shift!

@janeseymour78

Yes it seems the norm on Mumsnet but when I mention to people in real life that I did it once they go “Oh no, I couldn’t”

Sorry you had such a slack and snooty waiter. Don't let it put you off. As PPs have said, it certainly helps to be assertive. On the rare occasions I'm not attended to within the first five minutes, I get up and order at the counter.

The one place where I had a bit of fuss when dining alone was in Argentina. It might be different now, but when I was there in the '90s it was common for sex workers to sit at the window counters of cafes and wait for men to come and talk business. Amazingly, I in my hiking boots and souvenir T-shirt was sometimes mistaken for a professional. I learned to sit well inside or upstairs!

Battered eyelids 😬🤪

I think you had one bad experience and that's all. No one cares really. I wouldn't hesitate to go to the pub myself or for lunch or dinner. Admittedly i like a prop (book, crossword, crochet, something not my phone) but yeah, Go for it. I even went on holiday alone in my 20s.

No one cares.

I think you are overthinking it. I've done it lots of times both on business trips and for ensure. If you are waiting an hour for a drink you need to be clearer about things to staff and assert yourself.

I agree with you, OP, but we seem to be in a minority!

I did this once alone in 2013 and it was so rubbish I vowed never again.

I have been to Yo Sushi as you can sit at the bar area and not feel conspicuous but restaurants … no chance!

I’m in London and I often go in to restaurants and pubs by myself and I’ve never had a problem.
I would say that you cant be “the shrinking violet” and just sit there and hope to be noticed as you may be waiting a while.

If you can walk into a restaurant by yourself then you can speak up and get the attention of the server .

While the OP could have been more assertive I think it’s often only when you look back at things like that as a whole, when you see the whole picture and think ‘yeah I should have made a fuss then.’ I had a crap experience at a hairdressers once and when I look back I see I should have been firmer but at the time I kept thinking any minute I’d be rescued!

But I know when I ate out alone it was embarrassing as they just made a huge fuss about it. ‘It’s you? Just you? No one else? You want a table for one?’ Arghh. Never again!