Eating out alone as a woman

[Chocolattay]

I’m not judging anybody who eats out alone, I think it should be normal and the stigma is pathetic. But people on Mumsnet only speak positively about it. I had a terrible experience of it and surely it can’t have been unique to me, as the stigma exists. Or is it really me?

I was in London for an important appointment a few years ago, and I had the whole day to kill. It was my first time ever in London and I didn’t want to settle for a crap Big Mac or Burger King for lunch when I could have that at home, so I went to a hippy bohemian bistro type place in SoHo. I had to talk myself into it. I’d eventually convinced myself it’d be fine and thought they probably got loads of business people in alone anyway. But it was fucking awful. Even though I had specifically said table for 1, they didn’t seem to grasp that. I was waiting an hour just to order a drink. I’d make eye contact with the waiter but he’d just smile awkwardly. Eventually I spoke up and asked to order when he was rushing past. He asked if I was waiting for anybody. I said no. He looked like he’d seen a ghost ffs. He was actually quite rude to me in the service afterwards, and blunt. As if he’d decided there must be something wrong with me for me to be alone. It was horrible.

I vowed never to do it again. Weirdly enough I’ve done it a couple of times post-baby with baby in tow and haven’t felt awkward at all. It’s like the mere presence of a pram is going to be proof to people that I can’t be that weird if somebody has had a baby with me, therefore I’m ‘allowed’ to eat out alone.

DH does it regularly though and says nobody has ever battered an eyelid, which makes me wonder if it’s a gender/misogyny thing. It’s fine for men to enjoy their own company but women should always have a group of ‘girls’ to chat with? Is that what it is? Or am I massively overthinking it?

I've eaten out hundreds of times alone and it's always been fine. You just had a weird waiter. I really can't get past the fact you waited a whole hour before speaking to the waiter. Before that you just made eye contact?! Really? Within 5 minutes of waiting I would have gestured to the waiter or called him over but you just sat there occasionally catching his eye. He probably forgot you said table for one and thought you were waiting for someone. I can't believe he was that astounded when he realised you were eating alone. If anything he was probably shocked that you'd waited so long. Maybe he felt bad for not serving you sooner or surprised that you'd just sat there without placing your order. I absolutely don't think this is an issue often faced by "women eating out alone".

I think I understand where you coming from, you were worried about it and maybe projecting thoughts and judgements onto the waiter that you were making on yourself. In London or a big city I would go for it but in my smaller town I would feel weird as I honestly can’t remember seeing a woman eating alone (not to to say they don’t though I might have just not noticed). I seem to get a lot of men coming to join me, asking if I would like a drink and unpleasantness so I tend not to go anywhere like a pub or bar this might happen. It’s shit that you don’t feel comfortable to eat out alone of course you know women are out there enjoying life unfettered I hope you get your confidence up to give it another go.

I’ve eaten out alone in London a lot over the years .I’ve only had good experiences.

Your overthinking it op and possible have some entrenched stereotypes in your head.

I don't think twice about eating out alone and do it fairly frequently. I've never had a bad experience in all that time. I am an avid reader though, so always take a kindle or read on my phone. I couldn't just sit there starring into space. What did you do op?

Are your friends who don't eat alone or go to coffee shops in couples or sahm? I've noticed since I stopped working I'm less likely to eat out alone- because I'm never alone, there's always one of them hanging out of me. And I'd never ask dh to take over at the weekend so I could go out for lunch by myself. We'd either all go out together or get a babysitter. So since my working life ended I'm way less likely to eat alone (unless alone with a pram- if smaller babies don't count) so maybe they're out of the habit of it?

I’ve often had lunch alone and that’s always fine. Dinner can feel a bit awkward however.

I probably wouldn't go to a restaurant alone. It's something social I like to do with other people because I'm enjoying their company, not really for the sake of eating the food. I've been in places like McDonald's and cafes before on my own when I've been on a lunch break or had time to kill before an appointment but I wouldn't purposefully take myself out for a meal.

You're massively overthinking something that happened years ago and has probably since been blown out of proportion in your mind. You had an idiot waiter, it happens.

London of all places is very good for eating out alone as no one, in my experience, bats an eyelid. That said, I usually travel alone and so obviously also eat out alone when abroad. It's generally fine. I remember in particular a tiny trattoria in a non-touristy part of Southern Italy: yes, the regulars stared, but so what? The food was good, and if they wanted to sit and gossip about the weird English lady travelling alone, it's no skin off my nose.

I got used to dining alone when I had to travel a lot for work. You quickly get over your fears when you’re in a nice city and your choices are a sandwich in your hotel room or some delicious local cuisine in a restaurant! I’d always take a book or my iPad though, something to keep me occupied so I’m not just staring around looking like I’m waiting for someone.

I would never have waited an hour to order a drink and would have walked out if I had been trying and failing to get someone to take my order for an hour.

I suspect your waiter looked shocked and was awkward with you because he realised he had left you waiting for an hour! Not because he assumed you were weird or a social pariah for eating alone. I mean this gently but nobody actually gives you anywhere as much thought as you think they do!

It's not misogyny, it's a stupid thing. What you met was a stupid waiter who couldn't understand what 1 meant. Clearly thought you were waiting for a date that didn't show. So yep stupid thing, just a stupid person who can't understand simple things, or anything really.

You'll always get people like that. Thankfully I've never experienced it, but if I did I'd have walked out a lot sooner than an hour. Can't be bothered explaining what 1 means to an idiot.

I eat alone in all kinds of restaurants as I travel a lot for work. I always take a book or tablet with me to keep me occupied. I never had any issues like the one you describe? I think it was an outlier- as in it happens sometimes when waiters/waitresses don’t get the message that a person is eating solo and mistakenly assume you are waiting for someone. I would not read any kind of “misogyny” or “sexism” into such a one off occurrence, especially as it could presumably equally happen to a man eating solo that a waiter thinks he’s waiting for someone by mistake.

I have always had excellent service when dining alone in many different countries and restaurants. I think you were really unlucky, but to sit for an hour waiting to order is quite bizarre.

I agree with pp too that you didn’t follow basic restaurant etiquette by passively sitting there for an hour. A friendly wave, or hand gesture with eye contact is how you signal you are ready to order or need assistance/the bill. Eye contact alone means nothing.

I’ve eaten out on my own probably 30-40 times, in the UK, France and Denmark. I’ve only had one negative experience where the restaurant obviously begrudged giving up a table to one person where there was room for two. I was rushed through, so quite the opposite experience to you OP.

Apart from that one time, my experiences have ranged from fine to absolutely brilliant.

Both my best experience and worst experience were in France. I was lucky that before the bad experience I had plenty of positive ones under my belt otherwise I can see that I might have written off dining out alone based on the one bad one.

And I’ve known friends who wouldn’t even go into the cafe to sit wait for me to arrive, they’d wait in their car.
That's bonkers. I'd struggle to take someone seriously if they said that.

I've eaten alone in restaurants all over the world as I used to travel a lot on business. It's never been a problem. I live in London and do it regularly here.

I'll also arrange to meet my DH or friends in a pub and am happy if I get there first to order a drink and enjoy some peace or read my book. However I do know women of my age (50s) and other ages who won't do that. They'll always suggest meeting outside rather than go in a bar or restaurant on their own. Which is a bit silly in my view.

I have lunch out alone often. Also dinner and staying in hotel when working. Doesn’t bother me. Once had an impromptu evening meal out alone in a pub when the other group members all cancelled last minute. I was starving. It was fine. They were extra solicitous of me, I think they thought I’d been stood up by a date!

Like pp I think you were just unlucky.

Never had an issue and I've eaten out alone hundreds of times. I love a coffee/ glass of wine/ lunch/ dinner out......if dh is working, that's what I do.

I think you were unlucky, I have had to eat alone loads of times on business trips and generally get quick, attentive service - if only so they could get the table cleared and ready again!

Not sure I would have waited an hour to get a drink ordered - my patience would have run dry after 10 mins & I would've walked out.

You're overthinking and had a weird waiter. I very much doubt having a pram with you makes people think you're 'normal', look at all the terrible people who are parents!

I used to eat out alone all the time, it's fine (don't travel so much now, post-baby). Waiting staff do sometimes forget about a table or think it's not their cover. And sometimes they're just rude!

@Chocolattay

I’ve had my own friends say they couldn’t even sit in Costa alone on their lunch break, which shocks me.

These people are fools. Eating out alone is one of life's small pleasures.

I can't bear the type of woman who feels she has to display her inner delicate wee flower status by declaring they can't eat a sandwich by themselves

London is the best place for a woman eating alone - any time of day as restaurants are used to it. This is a one off based on the waiter. I just pitch up, say I’m a walk-in and ask for a table for one. Dinner, lunch or breakfast. Kindle or newspaper and it’s brilliant.

I love eating alone in a restaurant, in London or anywhere else. Never had the slightest problem. Well, of course experiences vary, some waiters and some restaurants are better or worse, but no difference from eating with others. You had a twat waiter that time, that's all.

One bad waiter/place, years ago. I've lived in London a long time and frequently eaten out alone, day and night. Never an issue. Loads of people eat out alone.

Your friends who aren't capable of going to Costa alone may be skewing your thinking on this.