Eating out alone as a woman

[Chocolattay]

I’m not judging anybody who eats out alone, I think it should be normal and the stigma is pathetic. But people on Mumsnet only speak positively about it. I had a terrible experience of it and surely it can’t have been unique to me, as the stigma exists. Or is it really me?

I was in London for an important appointment a few years ago, and I had the whole day to kill. It was my first time ever in London and I didn’t want to settle for a crap Big Mac or Burger King for lunch when I could have that at home, so I went to a hippy bohemian bistro type place in SoHo. I had to talk myself into it. I’d eventually convinced myself it’d be fine and thought they probably got loads of business people in alone anyway. But it was fucking awful. Even though I had specifically said table for 1, they didn’t seem to grasp that. I was waiting an hour just to order a drink. I’d make eye contact with the waiter but he’d just smile awkwardly. Eventually I spoke up and asked to order when he was rushing past. He asked if I was waiting for anybody. I said no. He looked like he’d seen a ghost ffs. He was actually quite rude to me in the service afterwards, and blunt. As if he’d decided there must be something wrong with me for me to be alone. It was horrible.

I vowed never to do it again. Weirdly enough I’ve done it a couple of times post-baby with baby in tow and haven’t felt awkward at all. It’s like the mere presence of a pram is going to be proof to people that I can’t be that weird if somebody has had a baby with me, therefore I’m ‘allowed’ to eat out alone.

DH does it regularly though and says nobody has ever battered an eyelid, which makes me wonder if it’s a gender/misogyny thing. It’s fine for men to enjoy their own company but women should always have a group of ‘girls’ to chat with? Is that what it is? Or am I massively overthinking it?

I think the reason that waiter reacted like that was because he knew he’d ducked up by making you wait. It was about him, not you.
Most things in life are tbh

I feel awkward eating in restaurants alone. I do take a book, but it's still not a pleasurable experience (but, you know, I still need to eat when traveling alone!).

Things like cinema are fine once you're in them, but I do find I'm usually asked if there is someone else coming when I walk in.

I don't feel at all weird about going in a cafe alone, or a airport, or a hotel.

I've done this loads, both when travelling for work and also when just spending time alone. I've never had this issue either. Why did you wait for an hour? You need to be a bit more assertive! I always order a drink at the point they bring the menu so you're not sitting empty handed for long

How very odd. You just had a crap waiter! No-one gives a hoot if you are a woman on your own, god, we aren't in the Victorian times any more!

Agree with everyone else.
I've eaten alone loads of times, no issue.
Waiter sounds useless. He could have at least come to see if you wanted a drink while waiting (if he indeed assumed you were waiting!)

@TheWestIsTheBest

How very odd. You just had a crap waiter! No-one gives a hoot if you are a woman on your own, god, we aren't in the Victorian times any more!

Yes 👍🏻 thank God we aren’t lol

Nobody looks twice if you are by yourself especially in London.

I find it so bizarre that this is even a ‘thing’ (and I suspect it’s only on Mumsnet). We are 50% of the population. We have to eat. I wouldn’t think twice about eating on my own, either for work or pleasure.

I had an experience like this years ago in Budapest. I'm happy to travel abroad alone, but in this one restaurant the waiter simply wouldn't come over to the point that even people on other tables were noticing my attempts to bet his attention and trying to send him my way. But it hasn't put me off as I've had plenty of solo meals which have been no issue at all.

Even if you were wanting for someone, you would normally order a drink.
It sounds like a crap waiter rather than anything else.

I've encountered weird behaviour when dining out alone. Once a man in a group came up to me and said, what a shame you're eating alone but at least the food is good. It put me off dining out alone the next time, I have to admit.

You had one bad experience.

Your friends are idiots.

—————————

I’m very comfortable eating out on my own for lunch. Not my first choice for dinner though. In the evening, I would prefer to eat with others but I can cope if I am travelling on my own.

@Grasping

I think the reason that waiter reacted like that was because he knew he’d ducked up by making you wait. It was about him, not you. Most things in life are tbh

This.

Most things in life are tbh

Things like cinema are fine once you're in them, but I do find I'm usually asked if there is someone else coming when I walk in

Really? That's so odd. I go to the cinema alone all the time and nobody has ever asked me that. I really don't understand why they would.

Personally I wouldn't wait an hour to be served. I would either have got their attention, or I would have left long before then.

If someone asks me if there is someone else coming, I say no and carry on with my day. This has worked everywhere across the world.

The only time I've felt self conscious eating alone was in Thailand. The waitress told me she felt sorry for me as it's traditional to eat in a group.

I eat out alone a lot.

And occasionally it is shit like you described. I've left without ordering a couple of times when the wait has been insane.

But mostly it's great and I just don't return where it's been shit.

I've had bad service when out as a couple or group occasionally too. Possibly more times than when eating alone.

I think you were very unlucky with your first attempt. The waiter sounds awful!! I’ve eaten quite a few times on my own and there was only really one occasion where I felt self conscious and as though people were staring, they’d sat me right in the middle so I do feel like I stuck out like a sore thumb but really it’s everyone else’s problem and even then, people probably don’t notice or think anything about you as much as you may think they do.

I’ve done it a lot. I’ve had bad experiences where people keep asking “are you waiting for someone?” Or bad people (men) at other tables come over and join me or chat to me, all I want to do is eat my food and read my book.

But that’s been few and far between, there really is ZERO to be ashamed of, anyone who thinks it’s sad, is actually the sad one for being uneasy in their own company.

I go to the cinema alone as well and it’s empowering and no one chats shit to you. But I am in London where a lot of people sit alone in the week. I go a lot so the cinema know me.

Had people, not BAD people hahaha

DH does it regularly though and says nobody has ever battered an eyelid

I should hope not, that sounds painful

Sorry you had a bad experience, I think it depends on your mindset and the waiting staff. I recently went to visit family abroad and did a stopover in an all inclusive hotel, I ate breakfast, lunch and dinner (making several trips to the buffet) on my own for 4 days, it was bliss. I also had an a la carte waiter service dinner a few times and that was great, amazing food, but you do end up talking to the waiters more when you’re on your own.

Interestingly DH just made a reservation for a meal on his own recently as I had an event for a pregnant friend and he had to repeat on the phone 3 times that he was eating solo 😂. But the meal itself was great he said, great service.

@Chocolattay

I’m not judging anybody who eats out alone, I think it should be normal and the stigma is pathetic. But people on Mumsnet only speak positively about it. I had a terrible experience of it and surely it can’t have been unique to me, as the stigma exists. Or is it really me?

I was in London for an important appointment a few years ago, and I had the whole day to kill. It was my first time ever in London and I didn’t want to settle for a crap Big Mac or Burger King for lunch when I could have that at home, so I went to a hippy bohemian bistro type place in SoHo. I had to talk myself into it. I’d eventually convinced myself it’d be fine and thought they probably got loads of business people in alone anyway. But it was fucking awful. Even though I had specifically said table for 1, they didn’t seem to grasp that. I was waiting an hour just to order a drink. I’d make eye contact with the waiter but he’d just smile awkwardly. Eventually I spoke up and asked to order when he was rushing past. He asked if I was waiting for anybody. I said no. He looked like he’d seen a ghost ffs. He was actually quite rude to me in the service afterwards, and blunt. As if he’d decided there must be something wrong with me for me to be alone. It was horrible.

I vowed never to do it again. Weirdly enough I’ve done it a couple of times post-baby with baby in tow and haven’t felt awkward at all. It’s like the mere presence of a pram is going to be proof to people that I can’t be that weird if somebody has had a baby with me, therefore I’m ‘allowed’ to eat out alone.

DH does it regularly though and says nobody has ever battered an eyelid, which makes me wonder if it’s a gender/misogyny thing. It’s fine for men to enjoy their own company but women should always have a group of ‘girls’ to chat with? Is that what it is? Or am I massively overthinking it?

I think he probably thought you were odd and assumed you were waiting for someone, as who else would wait an hour before asking to be served??

He then probably got annoyed when he realised you were solo as you had wasted an hour and taken a table without ordering anything for ages. Fewer tips for him if he is slower turning the table...

I eat out alone constantly, whether after a shopping trip, or work or just when I'm out and hungry! Never had any issue or any weird looks, and I think all of it is in your head most likely.

I can see three sides here - I eat out alone whenever I feel like and don't have a problem and I see other women doing it.

I can believe waiters think a single woman isn't going to tip much and that may be based on fact, I don't know?

And I've also experienced that friends will make arrangements so that none of us will walk into a restaurant alone, if we're eating out and particularly if we're going to the pub they will come and knock for me rather than meet at the pub. There are threads on here quite often about 'can I go to the cinema alone' etc. Women are taught that they are more likely to be unsafe alone. I remember a thread from a woman with a 19 year old daughter who had never let her go alone anywhere. She wanted her daughter to be safe so she took her wherever she needed to go and had no intention of stopping. I found it shocking but there are certainly cultures where that would be more normal.

I actually went to the theatre alone in New York. I remember queuing for tickets and an older woman said to me “oh wow, are you alone?! How old are you?!”

30, I replied in thick cockney accent, and this is nothing in London, and she was gushing how she was SO proud of me and her niece would never do the same etc. I asked where she was from and it was rural Texas. So location probably does make a huge difference to what you are used to.

I think yr reaction proves u need to do 8t again, this time being more mindful about YOUR experience of it, tuning out others' potential perception of you.

Ive done it in my curtain twitching home town in ireland! Nobody cares, i assure you. I would do it in a heartbeat in london.

I've been "ignored" by waiters when I'm with other people, you just have to be a bit assertive and ask to order.

I used to travel for work - a supermarket sandwich in your hotel room loses its charm after a few days so you eat out by yourself. It's fine, plenty of women do it.