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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is there a medical diagnosis for hating people coming into your house?

154 replies

shelleyshell · 20/02/2022 21:01

Hello people,
it is my first post on here and am not sure if I am in the correct place but.....
I hate having people in my house! I like my mil but she comes in way to often, my 14 year old Daughter has a boyfriend that I see too often, nothing against him I just don't want him in my house - he is currently restricted to 2 days per week.....and the main one...

my husband has a friend I dislike and he comes over every month for the whole weekend, I always go away but I still hate himmin my house!!

OP posts:
deeplyrooted · 21/02/2022 09:38

You’re getting a very hard time OP. There could be many reasons for why you feel the way you do. But it’s hard to know from just that one situation.

My ds has autism and has very strong boundaries about home. He struggles to have people over, or to have school intrude into his home time as well. One way we’ve addressed this is to establish that his bedroom is sacrosanct and no one is allowed there. My granny used to keep her bedroom and a small sitting room out of bounds when we visited as dc now I think of it.

I don’t mind entertaining but I love the feeling when guests leave and it’s just our home again. I’m very sensitive to smell and can tell if someone has been in my home.

Iknowitisheresomewhere · 21/02/2022 09:40

Several family/extended family members (all female, not sure if that is relevant) over several different generations and not related to each other have had OCD and can't cope with non-immediate family members in their house without excessive cleaning afterwards.
It can make life extremely stressful for their children/partners because either there is a blanket 'no friends to the house' rule or friends do come into the house and don't have a clue that this is the case, and (I generally see it from the partner's point of view) the visit is stressful for the partner as they know that the house will then 'need' to be cleaned immediately after the visit.
If the person doesn't ask for medical help, all you can do is once you are aware of the situation either meet out doors, or in a cafe/musem/etc, or in the your own house. But I do feel sorry for the family members.

Original poster
shelleyshell · 21/02/2022 09:41

please stop going to other people's houses of you're not happy about them coming to yours

I don't actually do this...a handful of family are more than welcome but the don't visit too often or stay too long and Ihelp my Gran and Grandad out loads (they're 85 & 86) with cleaning/bills etc so am there quite alot....I am also a childs guardian so have to go into other people housed to facilitate contact etc...

It's just my house - I will hide in the bedroom or get in the bath for hours to avoid people, I really do try, just Saturday night my Daughter had a sleepover with 2 of her friends for her Birthday.

OP posts:
ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 21/02/2022 09:41

@Mollysocks surely people don’t get changed into pyjamas every time they enter the house though?
Just thinking of a typical weekend day with dog walks/kids activities/trips out/visiting relatives etc, I probably leave the house 6-7 times a day. Can you imagine getting changed every single time?!

Gowithme · 21/02/2022 09:42

I'm a bit like this, for me it's because if someone comes to my house it feels like there's a lot of pressure on me to entertain and make sure they are happy and enjoying their visit. If I go to someone else's house though I try to be a 'good' guest but don't feel the same level of pressure. I also love seeing other people's houses :-D

TheVolturi · 21/02/2022 09:44

I don't mind at all, if it's expected and I'm ready. If someone is coming then I do a tidy and clean. People seem to expect show homes all the time, which is not achievable really when you have little kids. Instagram and the the like has a lot to answer for!

Mollysocks · 21/02/2022 09:45

[quote ShallWeTalkAboutBruno]@Mollysocks surely people don’t get changed into pyjamas every time they enter the house though?
Just thinking of a typical weekend day with dog walks/kids activities/trips out/visiting relatives etc, I probably leave the house 6-7 times a day. Can you imagine getting changed every single time?![/quote]
This is why I was confused Grin

IsItTooHotInHere · 21/02/2022 09:47

TroysMammy Grin. Me too.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/02/2022 09:47

People who cannot bear having people in their houses….how do you function with things like friendships etc? Having family stay over if you don’t live close by to them? Does it not make you very insular?
And the sofa and outdoor clothes stuff is just weird

MrsOatcake · 21/02/2022 09:48

@ShallWeTalkAboutBruno

WTF are 'outdoor clothes'?

All my clothes are outdoor clothes. Am I doing clothing wrong?!

No, but most people have heating indoors and coats, hats, scarves and gloves are reserved for outside.
Original poster
shelleyshell · 21/02/2022 09:50

I don't actually have any friends...mums that I see at school etc but not close friends that want to come to my house or me in theirs....

Children attend Birthday parties etc, My family are my Friends, I am really close to my Mum and regard my Husband as my 'best friend', don't go the pub etc unless it's with family (we have 4 children and childcare is a nightmare anyway)

This sounds really sad but I am happy this way.

OP posts:
Arnia · 21/02/2022 09:53

I think lots of people are like this now. It didn't seem to be as prevalent a decade or two ago (perhaps that's just my experience though?) I think there's a class element too - is t there always Grin I grew up in a working class area where people popped around all the time. You would very rarely ring in advance/plan it, you just turn up.

Social mobility has been antisocial for me! Every thing is planned and scheduled and pedantic. I'm sucked in now though and also have started to feel somewhat affronted if people stop by unannounced. Although in my case that's probably mostly due to being a Slattern like a pp said and feeling mortified if my floors are unwashed!

Original poster
shelleyshell · 21/02/2022 09:54

I was asking if the is a medical term for it so I could understand and try to explain it to my household because no-one can understand it, it's not a choice I am making, it really is how I feel!

OP posts:
ABitOfAShitShow · 21/02/2022 09:54

I think the outdoors clothes thing makes more sense if you get on public transport and whatnot.

I used to be weird about an ex sitting on my bed in his ‘tube jeans’ Grin (when I lived in houseshares and we hung out in my room).

I probably still wouldn’t lie on the bed in clothes that have been rubbing all over the tube but generally don’t care in the rest of the house.

Ibizan · 21/02/2022 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arnia · 21/02/2022 09:56

Judging by your update, you're an introvert OP. You're most comfortable with your inner circle. Plenty are like that and it's not generally an issue unless it's driven by anxiety. If you're genuinely happy not having friends then it's not really a problem? However you have a family to think about and if it's upsetting your DC you really should force it sometimes for their sake or they may resent you for it.

Original poster
shelleyshell · 21/02/2022 09:57

I was asking if there is a medical term for it so I could understand and try to explain because no-one can understand it, it's not a choice I am making, it really is how I feel!

You don't know me Ibizan, I am asking for help and understanding. I am happy, I have 4 beautiful children, a Husband, my own house and we are stable, I am just trying to resolve and understand this problem I have!

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 21/02/2022 09:58

But what if something was to happen to your husband or family? It could leave you really lonely and isolated. 4 children or not, you deserve to have some time for you to cultivate friendships and your own hobbies etc away from family life

ThinWomansBrain · 21/02/2022 10:02

You don't like guests or visitors - fine, your choice (your family might disagree) - why do you need a medical diagnosis for it?

Original poster
shelleyshell · 21/02/2022 10:02

I used to go to a sewing bee, pre-covid, but never went back because I found the women friendly but nosey and gossipy. I still do my hobby at home, there is nothing preventing me cultivating friendships I just don't want to, don't have the time/don't want to make the time and then would they want to come to my house.

Although it is different if I personally invite someone.

OP posts:
Original poster
shelleyshell · 21/02/2022 10:03

@ThinWomansBrain

You don't like guests or visitors - fine, your choice (your family might disagree) - why do you need a medical diagnosis for it?
So I could show my Husband it's a real thing i'm experiencing not something I am making up.
OP posts:
madmomma · 21/02/2022 10:06

It's not a problem to be like this when you don't expect or use hospitality from others, but it's selfish and mean-spirited to just always expect others to host you and yours, when you're unwilling to extend yourself for visitors. Your home doesn't need to be perfect. Just the kettle on. It really doesn't have to be a big deal like a dinner party or a house tour. It's very frustrating when it's the same people hosting over and over again, with no reciprocation.

MrsOatcake · 21/02/2022 10:07

So I could show my Husband it's a real thing i'm experiencing not something I am making up.

That really is the problem. You shouldn’t need a medical diagnosis to ban a visitor you can’t stand from visiting all weekend every month.

Original poster
shelleyshell · 21/02/2022 10:09

I don't expect or use hospitality from others, I go where I'm needed not necessarily where I want to go, and I think my house is lovely, just don't want to host.

OP posts:
OhJesusEffingChrist · 21/02/2022 10:13

I too hate people in my house
It's a standing joke amongst friends and family, they all know what I'm like and 'oooh! You're honoured'! gets said if one of them do step over the threshold for tea and cake 🤣